end of days | Mitzi Moments

gotta look good for the cameras…

By Mitzi on July 21, 2010 in desperate cry for help, end of days, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out

In case I never have the opportunity to tell you again, cuteness kills.

Exhibit A: my screwed up right knee.

See what had happened was … Instead of scaling back on the daily run when my knee started to ache and swell weeks ago, I stupidly decided to keep going. Why you ask? Um, cause my hardheaded self decided that just once I wanted to hit my exact weight loss goal. Now my dumbass is limping around the crib until I get the results from this MRI test I’ve scheduled for next week. (And no, I still ain’t hit anywhere near the target weight.)

So because of said screwed up knee I am now only able to use the recumbent bike. (You know the one where all the old ladies sit down, ride and gossip?) DEAD FISH EYES. Mmm-hmm… Oh wait, you hear that? MWAH. That’s the sound of me kissing my weight loss goal good-bye. Sigh. I know, I know.

But at least while I’m stuck on the bikes with all the little fat ladies, I have an excuse to indulge in one of my fave guilty pleasures- Maury. PAUSE. Don’t judge me. Ya’ll know I live for the drama and craziness that is trash talk TV (Besides, nothing says pedal faster than the fat asses that appear on that show).

And don’t act like you’re not just AMAZED at the ignorance these people are so willing to display for the cost of a paternity test. My fave from this morning? “That baby has blue eyes. I’m Puerto Rican. We don’t have blue eyes.” Um sir, the child’s mother is an Irish red head.

ROFL ROFL ROFL

Yo, where do these people come from? How do they still exist in 2010?

Honestly, not sure I’ll ever have an answer for any of those questions. But I can tell you one thing- I damn sure know where they’ll be shopping for clothes the next time they get knocked up by Rakim (or is it really his best friend Raheem’s baby?).

Mmm-hmm, thanks to Forever 21’s new maternity line, Love21 all the underage and barely legal moms-to-be can now cop stylish maternity clothes at bargain basement prices.

Isn’t this great? Aren’t you relieved that a company that fervently donates to the conservative right and takes the time to print the phrase John 3:16 on the bottom of their shopping bags is now making sure that teenage moms have access fly gear?

Nice.

I know I’ll sleep better at night.

yo, where are his clothes…

By Mitzi on July 20, 2010 in end of days, i die, it's in the genes, made for the maury show, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Oh. My. GOD. This video is so many things, and every last one a damn shame.

Real talk? Can’t nobody tell me that YouTube wasn’t created by the devil explicitly to drive people to commit social suicide. The. End.

“Can I be the one that hold you dooooown? Can I be the one that hold you doooown? “

Err-um 50 Tyson, wherever your mumble mouth ass is “uptown in Minnesota,” puh-lease stop the madness. Not now but RIGHT now. Sounding like a cross between an severely injured basset hound and a freshly paroled rapist on the prowl… Dude, neither this nor any of the SEVENTEEN other videos you got posted are the business.

Oh and just so you know, I blame the ENTIRE Republican party for this shit right here.

Mmm-hmm… Had they voted to extend jobless aid, this fool could’ve paid somebody to give him a shirt and clue. But no. Instead of looking for a job that requires the intelligence of a 1st grader, this neanderthal is spending his days trolling through the woods, looking like a mentally challenged serial killer, screeching made-up songs and threatening radio station djs.

(And all foolishness aside, this is the kind of illiterate nonsense that those crazy ass TeaBaggers play at their recruitment rallies to get hype. SMH. We have got to do better folks.)

*drops to my knees and prays*

its all so clear now….

By Mitzi on June 29, 2010 in end of days, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

So in case you weren’t keeping score: the devastation in Haiti remains unabated, the oil spill continues to gush in to the Gulf waters, Nikki Minaj won 3 BET awards without being able to spit a rhyme in front of the live audience and now we’ve got Russian spies (that “looked like regular Hispanics” to their brilliant neighbors) living in Montclair, NJ

Blank Stare.

With all of these going ons, it only makes perfect sense that one of the police officers that participated in the unwarranted shooting of Sean Bell is now counter-suing his family. Mm-hmm, of course it does.

Now, if you’ll excuse me while go cop Ron Artest’s new album. Because the way things are headed, I fully expect him to nominated at next year’s Grammy Award Show.

*slowly sips the kool-aid*

he needs to thank his mama…

By Mitzi on June 22, 2010 in cuteness kills, end of days, tagging out

So I went to a party this past weekend and met the 16 year-old cousin of a friend. He’s about six feet, super adorable, sweet but obviously young and more important, obviously underage.

Turns out, homeboy is dating a 20 year-old college junior. And wait on it… she’s really cute.

PAUSE

Now you know, at first I was like WTF?? Why in the world would a junior in college (who could clearly date men her age AND older) want to date was a damn junior in HIGH SCHOOL? I don’t care how freakin’ cute he is… It made no sense. I was so confused.

But that was Saturday night, before I saw the above picture of Puff’s son Justin chilling at the pool.

*blank stare with 3 looong blinks*

And for a hot second, I remembered all the energy that excited 16 years-old boys inherently have… Um, yeah. Can you say instant clarity?

Now, I’m not saying it’s right or that I would EVER, EVER,EVER get down like that… at 34. But real talk, if 16 year-old boys had looked anywhere NEAR this developed back in the day, it might’ve been a different story.

*kanye shrug*

Charge it to the game.

this aint a movie dawg…

By Mitzi on June 11, 2010 in end of days, i die, made for the maury show, why we as a people can't get ahead

Have I got a story for you…

So apparently my homegirl MB went out with some friend of hers that she hadn’t seen in a minute on Wednesday night. Naturally, the night went long and the number of drinks prob added up. No judgement. At the end of the wonderful evening the two young ladies went their individual ways. Everyone got home safely.

Now, the next morning MB’s homegirl wakes up a little hazy on whether she closed her car door BUT she distinctly recalls clicking the alarm. You know how the oddest details will stick in your mind the morning after a good time but you can’t remember major stuff? Like you won’t have the faintest idea what the name the person you were making out all night with but you’ll remember they had on a really nice watch? Exaactly.

Much to MB’s friend’s relief her SUV is in the same place she left it the night before. Praise god for the little things, right?

Anyhoo, she gets in her car. And almost immediately, she notices a distinctly sour odor. Like any normal person, she starts looking around the passenger side floor to see if she spilled any food the night before. Nope. Nothing. So she’s like okay well, maybe I just need some ventilation in here. She starts the car and opens all the window. Running a little late at this point, she makes mental note to hit the car was, gets herself together and begins to back the car out of the parking spot. Homegirl looks up in the rear view mirror…

AND SEES A FREAKING HOMELESS MAN DEAD ASLEEP IN THE BACKSEAT OF HER TRUCK.

*throws up in mouth while simultaneously dying of fright*

Mind you, this negro wasn’t sorta sleep. His ass had figured out how to lay the 2nd row of seats down so he could be SPRAWLED the hell out across the back of her car!!!

Can you f’kin’ imagine?? Honestly, I would’ve pissed in my pants if that ‘ish happened to me. And worse you done closed the door and locked yourself in with the seat belt?? OH HELLS NO!!!

I’m happy to report that MB’s girl is much more courageous than I. ‘Cause instead of pissing on herself or even calling the police, she was focused. She simply jumped out the car and started screaming at dude to get the hell out of her whip. Which he did… slowly. Talking about, ‘My bad. The door was open and I was tired.’

Um, I’m sorry. Did he just say, he was tired?

BLANK STARE W/ 3 LOOOONG BLINKS

See, this the kinda bullshit urban legends are made of. And like I told, MB- I’m just glad that dude was a hard sleeper. Cause can you imagine if he woke up before she looked up in the rear view mirror??? SMH.

senselesstragedy.com

lifetime supply of condoms, birth control & nicotine gum please…

By Mitzi on June 9, 2010 in end of days, it takes a village, tapped out

OMG, today’s video just broke my heart.

Like seriously, how do we live in a world where a grown ass man thinks turning his 18-month year old son onto cigarettes is not a big deal- ’cause the kid still looks healthy to him. Meanwhile, the wackass mother insists there is there’s nothing she can do about the now 2 year-old’s 40 cigarettes-a-day habit. SMH.

But wait on it, why does baby Artie know EXACTLY what he’s doing!?! Talking about he will only smoke one brand. And if he can’t get his cigarettes he throws a tantrum and bangs his head against the wall. What the hell?

BLANK STARE as visions of backhands and multiple ass whoopings dance through my brain.

Right.

And not to be funny but… who’s paying for all them damn cigarettes? ‘Cause last time according to the article in the NY Post, the father is a fishmonger (READ: glorified fisherman) and all ya’ll are living in a damn hut somewhere out in rural Indonesia.

FAIL.

How’s this for an idea? Instead of kicking out for Artie’s cancer sticks maybe, just MAYBE they should slap a nicotine patch on his back and try using that money towards some t-shirts that fit the lil’ fatty.

No offense.

thank you for being a friend…

By Mitzi on June 3, 2010 in end of days, moment of silence, pocket full of dirty tissue

It may not have the breathtaking panoramic ocean view but I gotta say, I am happy to be back home in the hood. Say what you want, but nothing says love like being accosted by your neighbor’s two playful (but overgrown) pit bulls as you struggle down the hall with luggage.

DEAD FISH EYES

Clearly, there was a lot going on while I was getting my tan on… Gary Coleman done bumped his head and died, Israel is blockading folks in the Gaza, Natalee Halloway’s murderer struck again, Detroit Tiger Armando Galarraga was robbed of a perfect game by the ump, the freaking oil spills on and now to add insult to injury, Rue McLanahan a.k.a Blanche from the Golden Girls done passed away. Damn.

Yo, I freaking LOVED the Golden Girls.

Not for nothing, I’m gonna need another day to readjust to all of this…

stolen scene from stand by me…

By Mitzi on May 26, 2010 in end of days, i die, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out

OMG, as if yesterday’s bus driver and spit situation wasn’t enough to make me wanna dry heave, then I clicked on ESPN.com and read about the 21 year-old freak from New Jersey who just got sentenced for VOMITING on a off-duty police officer and his 11 year-old daughter at a Phillies game back in April.

*back-flips in an open casket*

According to various reports, this fat, nasty mo-f’ker and his homeboy decided to get drunk beyond belief at the baseball game. Then Dumb and Dumber started needlessly harassing the people sitting in front of them. Unfortunately, those people just so happened to be Easton, PA Police Captain Michael Vangelo and his two daughters, aged 15 and 11.

So anyhoo, after a couple of innings of cussing, spilling beer and all around ridiculous behavior, the 15 year-old turned around and asked the two to stop. Well don’t you know, in response Clemmen’s buddy decided to spit on her???

*flatline*

But wait on it… In what can only be described as an epic show of restraint, the cop did NOT kick homeboy’s ass. BLANK STARE. No, instead he calmly went and got an park usher and had Clemmen’s buddy booted from the stadium. (Yeah, I don’t know those type of good samaritans either).

So in retaliation, this worthless bottom feeder starts yelling about how he’s gonna be sick, sicks not one but TWO fingers down his throat and BARFED on the cop and his 11 year-old daughter. Then starts starts throwing mad sucker punches at the cop.

*raises from the dead to kill myself again*

BUT WAIT ON IT… so another off duty-cop intervenes, breaks up the fight and restrains Clemmens until the actual Philly police arrived. At which point, this failed abortion (yeah, I said it) straight UP-CHUCKED on another cop.

*seals the bedazzled Walmart casket with super strength Elmer’s Glue*

PS. the ONLY encouraging thing that I can report about as it relates to this entire story is that is you look really, really closely at the tiny mugshot I was able to find, dude has a crazy black eye. Here’s hoping there was more of that to come after they took the mugshot.

this is gonna take more than a visit from Obama…

By Mitzi on May 17, 2010 in end of days, it's not a game out there, moment of silence, tagging out

So yeah, about that ridiculous City of Detroit SWAT team debacle that left the innocent 7 year-old girl, Aiyana Jones dead is beyond my comprehension this morning. The End.

This is the type of unnecessary tragedy that makes me physically ill. Like, I want to get back in the bad and stage a do-over on my entire life. Cause it makes it makes absolutely no sense. How can anyone honestly believe that this is the land of the free when clearly our most vulnerable citizens are clearly living under siege??

To read that her father was face down in his own daughter’s blood breaks my heart while the actual culprit was in another part of the building?? ??And then blame the grandmother for this unconscionable decision to shoot into a smoky room where you KNOW there are children??

I. CAN’T.

And, not for nothing, what the HELL kind of incompetent people are certified for the lead position a SWAT team, but can’t subdue an elderly woman without shooting her? Huh? *insert serious side-eye*

I’m just curious.. Where they do that at?

like sand in the hourglass…

By Mitzi on May 17, 2010 in end of days, it's not a game out there, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

WOW, I can’t believe it’s been almost a MONTH since the BP oil explosion and subsequent leak in the Gulf… And it’s still going strong. According to this morning’s NYT BP engineers finally achieved some success at containment on Sunday when they used a mile-long pipe to capture some of the oil and divert it to a drill ship on the surface of the well head. Some success? Hmmm… Now for the record, I’m all for keeping hope alive and whatnot. Howsomeva, not quite so sure that’s going to be much of a comfort when folks on South Beach are looking at smelly brown water with dead fish floating on the surface. I’m just saying.

BLANK STARE

*jumps online to buy stock in rubber water shoes and book personal vacays in Europe and Africa for the next decade*

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