end of days | Mitzi Moments

my money is on the back-hand…

By Mitzi on October 13, 2010 in end of days, going to hell in a handbasket, it takes a village, made for the maury show, tagging out, too old for the road, why we as a people can't get ahead

Okay, so you know I’m like totally obsessed with this whole Chilean miner rescue situation, right?

Cause the lord knows that I can barely make it through twenty minutes in an MRI machine without having a claustrophobia induced panic attack, let alone 69 freaking days in a dark hole with no bathroom.

DEAD FISH EYES

Oh and, thanks to my Twitter fam @looseneck I’m really, really on pins and needles waiting on the rescue of the trifling miner who’s wife discovered his affair when she met his mistress of several YEARS at a vigil by the collapsed mine. Talking about, “she heard another woman calling out his name.”

BLANK STARE

I mean, can you even believe the audacity of this bish? Not only is she in an international forum laying claims to a married man but then she got the nerve to be out there carrying on and screaming louder than his damn wife?

When I tell you, 2010 is the year of the jump off?

And wait on it, here’s the BEST part: Apparently neither woman is backing down. Both the wife and the mistress have publicly vowed to remain on site and wait for him to be brought to the surface. And then he’ll have to choose. On international television.

*faints, regains consciousness and reaches for the popcorn*

Mark my words, SOMEBODY is getting their face smacked in on CNN before this is over.

got my fireproof panties on…

By Mitzi on October 8, 2010 in end of days, it takes a village, made for the maury show, why we as a people can't get ahead

Slow Friday for the sensational news… that is unless you count lame ass Chingy trying to refute the SECOND set of claims that he’s knowingly had sex with a transsexual. Exactly.

Personally, I’m already too tapped out from the three hours I just spent on the phone with New York State Government trying to correct a commuter tax payment error (their fault as usual) to even bother to comment. Negro if you like girls w boy parts, that’s your business. Stop apologizing for who you are.

BLANK STARE

Hopefully, things will pick up over the weekend. Or not. Nothing wrong with a nice quiet weekend every once in a while…

In the meantime, feel free to get a little laugh out of this photo. Cause you know I did.

peta shld be more worried abt this than my full-length…

By Mitzi on October 5, 2010 in end of days, going to hell in a handbasket, it's not a game out there, keep hope alive, tagging out

OMG, OMG, Oh My F’KING God!!! This video is crazy. I am so going to have nightmares for days behind this nonsense. Real talk, I can’t even breath I’m so freaked out.

How the hell did this fool sit there and tape this attack? And he was there with his children? Are you freaking KIDDING me??? Please believe that I would’ve been snatched up my kid and hit the bricks from the moment I saw blood being drawn on the first bite.

Those poor men. I am literally shaking right now.

When I tell you that my kids are NEVER going to step foot anywhere near a damn one-ring circus in LIFE?!?!?!

Lord have mercy… I wonder what the trainers did behind the scenes to those lions that angered them to that point. SMDH.

*makes a sign of the cross with the right as I reach for a sedative with my left*

laughing all the way to lockdown…

By Mitzi on September 30, 2010 in end of days, it's not a game out there, keep hope alive, tapped out, the internet is the devil

Wow. I just read the story about 18 year-old Tyler Clementi who apparently committed suicide after his punk ass roommate, Dharun Ravi and Ravi’s homegirl, Molly Wei used a hidden webcam to stream the Rutger University freshman’s make-out with another dude live on the Internet. And added bonus: announced the intention to do so on his Twitter feed.

DEAD FISH EYES

Seriously? This story completely breaks my heart. How nasty and mean of an individual can you be to videotape your own roommate and then put it up on the freaking internet? As a female, knowing how often it’s done to women, why would you ever co-sign on sexually exploiting anyone like that? Why is the idea of two men making out even funny? It’s just sex. Big damn deal. SMH.

So now, this promising kid, who was apparently a very talented violinist, just jumped off the George Washington Bridge and both your dumb asses are looking at least five years in jail.

Still funny now?

Uugh. No one deserves such an undignified outing of their sexual orientation.Ever. My heart goes out to his family.

burning my eyes…

By Mitzi on September 23, 2010 in end of days, keep hope alive, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

So yeah, not sure about you but personally I’m not really trying to go see The Social Network in theaters. Not saying it’s not interesting enough to add it to the queue when it hits Netflix but as for shelling out my hard earned $12.50 to see a movie that’s just prob to make me feel like I haven’t done ‘ish with my entire life- err-um, no thank you.

Howsomever, I do think that it’s pretty fantastic that Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is donating $100 million dollars to the Newark public school system. Yep, pretty fantastic and right on time. Cause I for damn sure needed something EXTRA SPECTACULAR to help my mind recover from the leaked cellphone pics of Eddie Long posing in his bathroom like Demi Moore wearing head-to-toe shiny black spandex and a Kangol.

BLANK STARE.

The Lord be coming through all day every day, I tell ya.

let the bonfire begin…

By Mitzi on September 22, 2010 in end of days, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

They say, a single look is worth more than a thousand words.

Mm-hmm… So, I’m thinking Sasha’s Obama’s laser beam side-eye at the paparazzi as the First Family walked back to the White House from church after this past Sunday morning service pretty much sums up how I’m feeling about greasy ass Pastor Eddie Long.

Cause here’s the thing: How are you going to be “one of the most virulently homophobic black leaders in the religiously based anti-gay movement” and then get caught up in some ish like coercing young male Church members to masturbate you??

HUH, Eddie??

For those who are unfamiliar, Eddie Long is the same ignorant fool who actively campaigned (and essentially convinced THOUSANDS of the poor Southern people that are members of his megachurch to vote) for George W. Bush’s re-election in 2004. Why he do that, you ask? Because according to this psychopath, John Kerry’s willingness to even CONSIDER giving gays the right to get married was more detrimental to the future of our country than the PROVEN facts that George Bush blatantly lied about the war, was robbing citizens of basic rights and sending our economy into the shitter.

I can’t.

But back to those old adages… Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. And I for one cannot WAIT to see this hateful S.O.B burn.

at least antoine is getting paid…

By Mitzi on September 7, 2010 in end of days, pocket full of dirty tissue, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, tapped out, the internet is the devil

Well lookey here- The ‘Bed Intruder Song’ (the tomfoolery based on Antoine Dobson’s hood ass interview after his sister was attacked in her bedroom that was cobbled together by a quartet of white musicians from Brooklyn) just hit the Billboard Hot 100 chart. Mind you, the track has sold more than 91,000 copies on iTunes and was at no. 39 on the iTunes chart last week.

Yo. Not to be funny but did Usher’s new single featuring Jay-Z even sell that much?

And wait on it… When asked by the NYT the reason for the viral video’s crossover success, one of the creators explained, “The bar is getting lower for creative artists to break into the mainstream.”

Mmm-hmm, just. like. that.

*makes the sign of the cross and pours out a lil’ licca for the careers of Ciara, Maya, Ameriee, Mario, Lloyd, & all the rest of the 1-name wonder wannbes.*

it’s the little things…

By Mitzi on September 1, 2010 in end of days, it takes a village, it's not a game out there, using our powers for good

Praise God!

Just when it seemed like we were living in a world full of psychopaths who

toss newborn puppies into a river for kicks and deranged sickos who drive heated nails and metal particles in to the legs and head of their own maid because she complained about being overworked, Cee-Lo saves the day by releasing the official video to his single, F*ck You! And, it is absolutely perfect.

*happy sigh*

Enjoy!

dem bishes at sin city need to go sit down & take notes…

By Mitzi on August 24, 2010 in end of days, i die, made for the maury show, tagging out

There are few things that render me COMPLETELY speechless. And by completely speechless, feel free to envision me sitting here with my mouth wide open, eyelids peeled back, straight dumbfounded. Mm-hmmm, that ugly kinda shock.

Well this video has officially done it.

And to be fair, I recognize that this is some sacred, ancient custom that according to my shaky bakey sources started somewhere near 12 A.D. Translation: it probably deserves a whole lot more respect than what I’m thinking but… oh well.

Yooooo, when the hairy, little fat man gets to doing his thing? And then the little boy proceeds to braid his own body all the way to the top of the pole?

*does a running swan dive in the shallow end of the pool*

Just so we’re clear. I have never in my ENTIRE life been even remotely sexually curious about the average Indian man. (Something about my sensitive sense of smell just wouldn’t even let me pretend to entertain the idea of getting that close.) But after watching this craziness, I just might have to reconsider. ‘Cause not for nothing, them little mo-f’kers are flexible as HELL.

BLANK STARE.

Oh and when you finally figure out how to pick your bottom lip up off the ground, feel free to thank G. Payton for this little gem.

u get no points for originality…

By Mitzi on August 17, 2010 in end of days, it takes a village, it's not a game out there, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out

So eer-um yeah, about the unemployed, single mother of three in South Carolina who just confessed to suffocating her two sons to death with her bare hands because she was stressed out, dead ass broke and felt overwhelmed? PAUSE. Oh and my fave part? That the 500-lb beauty queen tried to cover-up the murders by recycling a new version that crazy white woman, Susan Smith’s story about losing control of the car and it (along w the babies) would up at the bottom a nearby lake…. ‘Cept I guess she decided to skip the part about the carjackers, huh?

SIGH.

Um Precious…. kids are not kittens. You don’t bag ‘em up and toss them in the lake when the litter gets to be too much. You just don’t. Dummy.

I swear, I have Z-E-R-O sympathy for women that CHOOSE to have a whole gang of kids and when ‘ish hits the fan- they suddenly can’t cope. At All. Newsflash: being a parent is so much more than sperm meeting egg in your uterus. I don’t care what the Bible tells you, if your life is a shit show to begin with, don’t bring another helpless dependent into nonsense.

*looks directly at the pro-life zealots protesting outside of abortion clinics around the country*

Again, it’s craziness like this that should serve as a wake-up call to Republicans and conservatives who want to restrict access to birth control. Cause if didn’t nobody else figure it out; trust me, the good Lord himself knew that this woman didn’t have any business having THREE children. Raising them by her damn self. In poor ass South Carolina.

Geesh.

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