Mitzi Moments

Category: end of days

the music gods have smite us…

By on May 12, 2010 in end of days, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

And in the latest lowbrow breaking news: Gucci Mane has been released from jail!!

And I’m so sure you’ll be happy to know that according to the prepared statement that he mumbled his way through, “the rap game is in need of substance and he’s here’s for the streets right on time.” Oh and my favoritest line of the painful, self-indulgent, three minute monologue- “Oh and now that I’m free. Ironically, I feel like the most wanted man in Georgia.”

*confused silence*

Um, who is this dude again? And more importantly, why in the unholy-illiterate- hell would his publicist EVER encourage him to read ANYTHING out loud in a public setting? SMH. Seriously? Two words- You’re. Fired.

Listen, will somebody please call Big Boi and tell him to get his ass off Martha Stewart’s morning show, go find Andre 3000 and get both their asses back in the studio TOGETHER? Not now but, RIGHT NOW. Thanks.

everyday a star is born…

By on May 4, 2010 in end of days, made for the maury show, Mitzi- all day every day

Okay, today’s post is courtesy of my homie G-Payton. Who bless his little heart, keeps my inbox full of the tomfoolery. For those who have had the pleasure of viewing the ‘Yes Dance’ video (an earlier GP jewel), you already know. So please do not ask me where, how or WHY he found this particular video. But please be clear- my mouth remains WIDE OPEN.


It’s just so… I’m feel so… I mean, are these dudes straight? Even if they’re not hetero, as grown men, how do you even coordinate something like this???

Wait, wait, I know! It probably went a little something like this:

Boy 1: “Yo, I got a dope idea.”
Boy 2: “What, what’s up?”
Boy 1: “Let’s strip down to our shorts and baseball caps and then gyrate for the camera.”
*There’s a moment of silence. and then…
Boy 3: “Yoooo, that’s hot son! That is so hot!”
Boy 1: “And hold up, hold up- we can even have solos and shit…”
Boy 3:”Word! I’m down!”
*Everyone gets hype and starts jumping around the dorm-sized living room. Except for…
Boy 4: “I don’t know ya’ll… Cause I’m still working on physique for bikini season.”
Boy 5: Okay, well you hold the camera. Just make sure you zoom in close on me when it my turn for the solo…”
Boy 6: Whatever my dude, just be sure you hold the camera steady when I get to dropping it like it’s hot.”
Boy 2: “True, true.”
Boy 4: “Trust me my dudes, I’mma make ya’ll famous!”
*Grabs the camera, cues the music and voila!

BLANK STARE

to the beat of the drum…

By on April 30, 2010 in end of days, it's in the genes, tapped out

Okay, see my boy RS told me about this craziness when it was first reported on Bossip. But it just so happened to be the same day as the whole Sandra Bullock loves the kids/ Oklahoma hates women/ white folks are importing serial killers from Russia stories popped off. And quite honestly, so I had reached my limit on tomfoolery for a single 24 hour period.


But now that CNN done broke it down in a video… I can sorta put it into words.

Basically- last Saturday night, this dude in Florida chopped off his mother’s head, put it in a bag, walked around the corner tossed it in a lot. Then woke up his demented ass up the next day and went to play the drums at church? The early service? And the neighbors describe him as a quiet, nice guy who loved God and his mama?

BLANK STARE

And then you wonder why the majority of my friends and I give overzealous, super-sanctified church folks a WIDE ass berth??? Man listen, all that Jesus talk and Bible beating then next thing you know, it’s off with your head. I. Can’t.

I sure hope dude who told me that his friends wouldn’t consider dating me b/c I don’t subscribe to the same faith got wind of this story. ‘Cause it seems to me, that they would want to be a whole lot less worried about my soul and a little more concerned with the state of mind of some of their fellow congregation members. I’m just saying.

*drops the mic and walks away*

won’t speak ill of the dead but the family…

By on April 29, 2010 in end of days, made for the maury show, tagging out

Hmm. People have a lot of ideas on the way they want to be buried- in their favorite outfit, with their signature glove, face down so the world can kiss their a**…. the list goes on. But one thing that’s pretty consistent, is that all of these personal decisions involve a casket. You know as in a body INSIDE the casket. Um, guess 22 year-old David Morales Colon’s family didn’t get that memo.


Apparently, they decided to bypass the casket and post their son’s body up on his favorite motorcycle. So that he’ll be happily riding for eternity.

BLANK STARE

It’s too early in the morning for this. No, I take that back. There’s NEVER a good time for this. The End.

its all about balance…

By on April 28, 2010 in desperate cry for help, end of days, it takes a village, tapped out, team obama, that sense of entitlement

Basic Hometraining Rule 101: Before you say something negative, it’s important to lead with a positive.


So let’s start the day by giving Sandra Bullock a HUGE shout out. Adoption, Oscar and Divorcing lame ass Jesse James? Homegirl is taking no shorts in 2010. Sure hope Elin is taking notes. And best of all, how serious is baby Louis’s side-eye game? Like,what? Straight out the N.O grilling the paparazzi like a rock star.

I am also L-O-V-ing the fact that not only will President Obama will be delivering the eulogy at Dorothy Height’s funeral tomorrow but he also ordered the American flags at the White House and upon all public buildings and grounds, at all military posts and naval stations, and on all naval vessels of the Federal Government in the District of Columbia and throughout the United States and its Territories and all possessions to be flown at half-staff on the day as well, “as a mark of respect for the memory.”

Take that, Take that.

Yes, I’m really glad that I had such encouraging and happy news to help balance out the craziness that is jumping off in mid-west right now: As if Arizona wasn’t enough, apparently despite two vetoes by the State’s governor, the Oklahoma Legislature has voted two new and even more restrictive abortion measures into law. One of which requires women to undergo an ultrasound and listen to a detailed description of the fetus before getting and abortion AND the other prevents women who have had a disabled baby from suing a doctor for withholding information about birth defects while the child was in the womb.

DEAD SILENCE

But wait on it, the new laws are way detailed. Like the first law, requires that the doctor or technician set up the monitor so that woman can see it and describe the heart, limbs and organs of the fetus. No exceptions are made for rape and incest victims. Okay real talk, how sick is that for someone to have to sit through the description of a fetus? Although, I’m not really sure what the hell they’re going to be describing since its just a mass of tissue and nerve stems for the first six weeks (which is when most women schedule the procedure). So perhaps they’ll just be making it up as they go along… You know kinda like the Teabagggers and the Birthers.

Seriously? All fun and jokes aside, what country are we living in right now? Is this a freaking extremist Muslim country where women’s reproductive rights are up for debate amongst a bunch of MEN?? I’m so confused.

So when there is a sudden rise in the number of abused and abandoned babies on Oklahoma, what then? Are these same lawmakers going to sign up to start taking them in? Cause clearly the whole overseas adoption movement is going to hell in a handbasket. Exhibit A: the couple in Virginia Beach who are now suing the nation’s largest adoption agency for sending them another little blond-haired psycho from Russia. Mm-hmm…

Apparently, lil Roman started out as a vision of normalcy. But over the course of six years, he has threatened his the couple’s 5-year old biological daughter with a steak knife and a two-by-four as well as held her underwater in a pool. Oh and did I mention the multiple therapeutic programs that have ejected the future serial killer for kicking, biting, hitting and most recently, on his 8th birthday, pulling out three of his teeth using a pen cap, fork or spoon?

*crickets*

Oh and NOW that the lawsuits are flying, the caseworker finally acknowledges that when she had said the doctor visited orphanages to “see the children” and review pictures, videos and medical information that did not necessarily mean that the doctor had actually examined. Matter of fact, in deposition, the same doctor said he had not practiced medicine for years and was a facilitator for the agency, not a medical screener. Word?

Feel free to throw up as I donate my ENTIRE life savings to Planned Parenthood.

ain’t nothing sexy ’bout this…

By on April 22, 2010 in cuteness kills, end of days, going to hell in a handbasket, it's not a game out there, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Gotta be honest, when I first saw the headlines about Naomi Campbell’s most recent attack my knee jerk reaction was to yawn. Like, so what? Another day, another backhand. It’s freaking Naomi Campbell for God’s sake. She’s probably just off her meds or some such nonsense.


But thanks to the wonders of insomnia, I find myself with the time and energy to find out who caught a bad one. And I gotta say…I’m kinda disgusted with Na-Na for this.

Apparently she slapped a camera out of the hands of the guy who was filming her for ABC News. The reason? The interviewer confronted her about her involvement with the war crimes trial of former Liberian strongman Charles Taylor.

For those who aren’t familiar with Taylor, he is the former President of Liberia and the mastermind behind a civil war that ultimately led to an ethnic conflict of EPIC portions. In addition to embezzlement, this maniac has been accused of the widespread conscription of children as soldiers, assisting rebel forces in Sierra Leone with weapon sales in exchange for blood diamonds, and ordering acts of atrocities against civilians that have left many thousands dead or mutilated, with unknown numbers of people abducted and tortured.

READ: This negro is the mother f’kin’ SPAWN OF SATAN.

But back to Naomi- It looks like back in the day when C.T was the President of Liberia; him, Naomi and her homegirl Mia Farrow were invited to vacay w Nelson Mandela. While there, it’s alleged that dude gave Naomi some ridiculously huge diamond as a token of his affection. Must be nice, huh?

As luck would have it, because of its unique size this particular stone is one of the few with a history that can be traced directly back to the conflict in Sierra Leone and the illegal slave trade. And in essence, send this psycho to jail for life.

But wait on it… ya favorite diva is refusing to testify. Uh-huh, talking about, Mia is a liar (b/c Mia is testifying that Ms. Campbell bragged about the gift at breakfast the morning after), she never received the diamond and further more she’s not going to speak about it. The End. And oh yeah, BAM. She smacked the camera to the floor.

*crickets*

Now, I really, really want to give Na-Na the benefit of the doubt on this and say that she never received any such gift. Cause it’s one this to be a raging, bi-polar, glamazon bitch who truly believes she’s so fabulous she’s above the law. But it’s another thing to aide and abeit a dude that co-signed on training babies to be killers and chopping folks hands off with machetes. So God forbid, if that skinny heifer is just lying to keep in good graces with that uber rich and powerful clique that she runs with…

BLANK STARE

all the money in the world…

By on April 19, 2010 in desperate cry for help, end of days, made for the maury show, tagging out

Money can really bring out the worst in people… especially folks like Douglas Spink.


When times got bad for this former 90s venture capitalist and admitted adrenaline junkie he was like what the hell, I think I’ll become a drug kingpin. And don’t you know dude basically started transporting millions of dollars worth of coke and marijuana back and forth across the Canadian border.

CRICKETS

And when that 2nd career choice didn’t exactly pan out (he was arrested back in 2005, then quickly snitched his way into a lenient 3 year sentence. So much for the code of silence, huh?), dude said fuckkit, guess I’ll just start a bestiality farm.

DEAD FISH EYES

Uh-huh, you read that correctly.


Business was so crazy, when the investigators raided the hideout they seized THOUSANDS of images/ videos of folks having sex with the animals. ‘But wait on it… one of the videos featured a man having sex with a dog. And don’t you know that same man was at the farm the day of the raid? Wearing the same outfit that he had on in the flick????

I swear, I couldn’t make it up if I wanted to.

Now here’s my only question… Where the hell is PETA and all those crazy folks that were calling for Michael Vick’s head NOW? How come they aren’t rallying around the jailhouse in Washington demanding that this man be sent to the electric chair behind this craziness? Say what you want but I’m willing to bet that grown men weren’t shoving mice up each other’s asses ANYWHERE on Michael Vick’s property.

The End.

no return postage due…

By on April 16, 2010 in end of days, made for the maury show, moment of silence

Even though there’s no such thing as a weekend for the self-employed, I really do love the idea of a Friday. Yep. Love ‘em almost as much as I hate psychopaths, rapists, child abusers. Blank Stare. ‘Cause I don’t care who snatched your teddy bear from you as a child, I simply will never have any sympathy for those who get off on hurting other people.


Today’s example: 24 year old Brandon Joshua-Frederick Hayes.

This wack ass white boy systematically beat and tortured his girlfriend’s 4-year old son to DEATH. Why? Because the kid had nightmares and couldn’t stop wetting his pants. Oh, that and he was salty because the little boy’s father refused to pay child support so it ‘became his burden.’ (As if this illiterate fool had a real job. Apparently, he sold drugs out of their apartment for a living)

DEAD FISH EYES

You know, I think we can all pretty much agree that Brandon and the mother need to go have a seat in an electric sometime very soon. Cause I simply behooves me how any woman could continue to willing live with a man that’s beating your own flesh and blood so viciously that he winds up brain dead. So perhaps, a quick trip back to God will help you do better on the next go round. I’m just saying.

But not for nothing, I think there’s definitely something to be said about the unnamed dead beat dad as well. I wonder if men realize that when they walk away from their kids they leave them susceptible to this type of abuse. Like, even if you wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with the mother, its still your baby. How can you show such a complete disregard for your own offspring? I just don’t get it…

How are you gonna live with yourself knowing that this creep used your lack of character and responsibility to MURDER your own son?

Good luck.

keep ya enemies close…

By on April 12, 2010 in desperate cry for help, end of days, i die, keep hope alive, using our powers for good, work it white girl

I went to bed thinking that I was going to HAVE to write today’s post about the ridiculousness that is the new VH1 reality show, Basketball Wives. I mean, how can the show honestly say it offers an insider’s view of the trials & tribulations that accompany marriage to a high profile basketball player when only one of the six participants is married. And even more importantly, I don’t recognize her husband at ALL (shoot, there’s not even a wikipedia entry on dude).


BLANK STARE

Seems like the show should be described as an insider’s view of NBA bitterest baby mamas, ex-girlfriends, ex-fiancees and ex-wives. Cause it certainly looks like the game got the best of this group of women. I don’t care how much money or plastic surgery you have, it won’t ever disguise that run-thru / over-compromised appearance of woman whose been used up in her prime and discarded with zero respect. I’m just saying.

But THEN, I saw the CNN news story about the latest beef between the United States State Department and the Russia Government. Apparently Russia is threatening to shut down ALL adoptions to families in America not now but RIGHT NOW. Why you ask?

Well, apparently some random white couple in middle America decided that the 7-year old Russian kid they adopted was some type of violent psychopath. Talking about the little boy had a list of people that he wanted to hurt and number one on the list was his American mom.

WOAH

And so they what? Sent that little serial killer right back to the motherland all by his damn self. Mmm-hmm… just. like. that. But wait on it… Before putting him on the plane the adoptive father, Torry Hansen packed a one-sentence note in homeboy’s backpack talking about:
“I am sorry to say that for the safety of my family, friends and myself I no longer wish to parent this child.”

OMG, if this ain’t the damn storyline from Orphan, I don’t know what it is. SMH. Tell you what, I’ll take me a little knucklehead from the hood a million times over before I start searching for some damn foreign baby that can’t even say I hate you in English. No offense.

*starts tossing holy water like I’m popping champagne*

one angry woman…

By on April 8, 2010 in end of days, it's not a game out there, keep hope alive

So for the record, this whole jet lag thing is NO joke. Not for nothing, I’m not necessarily working with a full deck until at least 10 o’clock in the morning. So please believe when I tell you that 8 am hasn’t felt this early since I was in college trying to make it to a Chemistry class the morning after an A Phi A jump-off…. But I digress.

Anyhoo, now add to to the muddled equation that for the next two days, I’ll be sitting for jury duty.

FAIL

Oh jeez, they’re calling us… Wish me luck!

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