Mitzi Moments

Category: i die

u and your 54 followers…

By on January 21, 2011 in i die, Mitzi- all day every day, never too grown, pocket full of dirty tissue

O-M-G! Just finished reading a story about a Sports Illustrated writer that decided to track down a couple of the people that left him extremely nasty, personal, online comments (including a picture of hard core porn) in response to an article he wrote. Check it out HERE.


HEE-LARIOUS.

Talking about, when the first guy answered the phone and realized it was the sports writer he had just cussed out and sent an x-rated picture- cause homeboy really did call both commenters on their home phones- it was an ENTIRELY different story than the crude, profanity filled tirades they had written online:

“Without invisibility or the support of his 54 Twitter followers or the superhuman powers supplied by a warm keyboard, Matt was meek and apologetic. ‘I was just trying to get a rise out of you,” he said. “You’re a known sports writer, and I thought it was cool. That’s all. I never meant for it to reach this point.'”

Or wait on it.. the one who still lives at home with his freaking mother:

“… along with contacting Matt, I also tracked down Andy, a 23-year-old aspiring writer who tweeted of me: “jeff Pearlman and billy madison share an intelligence quotient (because jeff Pearlman is a f—ing retard).”
When I dialed a number I found for Andy, his mother answered. (I admit, this brought me great delight.) Andy was even more apologetic than Matt…”

Uh huh, I’ll bet.

*falls out laughing*

Now don’t get me wrong, everyone is entitled to an opinion. And you’re absolutely free to comment on/disagree with any and everything I publish. (In fact, hearing a different side of the story makes me more informed.) So please share. But there’s a HUGE difference between disagreeing and calling names/sending pornographic images to illustrate your disdain.

DEAD FISH EYES

So lesson of the day for all the internet thugs runnin’ amuck & poppin’ ish from behind your new iPads: The keyboard will only protect you so far.

Lames.

2 steps back…

By on December 21, 2010 in end of days, i die, made for the maury show, why we as a people can't get ahead

Hmmm, so THIS is what musical gentrification has gotten us. Fantastic. Just fantastic.


*reaches for the stash of little blue pills & bottle of vodka*

Feel free to thank my homie, Miz Cooper for this gem.

the babies don’t want this for you…

By on December 16, 2010 in cuteness kills, i die, Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue

Okay can I tell you how excited I am that Nick finally confirmed that Mariah is expecting AND more importantly, that the couple are having twins??


Because not for nothing, if fertility drugs and wilding out on chicken wings were the ONLY reason homegirl is waddling around looking like she has a mini-fridge strapped to her once flat tummy, I was going to be so, so sad for her… and the plastic surgeon that has to try and put it all back to together.

*shrug*

I’m jussayin. That snapback ain’t same when you’re over 40.

But riddle me this Robin, what in the eyesore HELL is Mariah wearing in this picture?

I promise you, that fugly ass, long-sleeve, school marm dress is cut from some raggedy bedazzled, lace covered, Christmas quilt material made in a sweatshop in China. It has too be. And the placement of the droopy satin bow? Right under what have clearly become her ample size EFZ boobs??

No ma’am Miss Mariah. I cannot.

For this, I’d MUCH rather she be back in her something from her rainbow colored collection itsy bitsy bullshit ass stretch dresses . At least that tomfoolery, I’m already mentally accustomed. Cause this craziness right here, is making my nerves bad. Lord…

*reaches for a handful of the little blue and red pills*

PS. I’m EXTRA mad at Nick for standing there, skinning and grinning while his wife looks like bloody road kill. You’re wrong for that Mr. Cannon. DEAD ASS WRONG!!

ain’t it hunting season yet…

By on November 17, 2010 in desperate cry for help, i die, it's in the genes, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, why we as a people can't get ahead

Can someone PUH-lease explain to me why 16 year-old Willow Palin is on Facebook calling people that criticize her sister’s atrocious dancing skills “faggots” and “so gay?” Homophobic slurs from someone who has been raised in a home with supposed “strict Christian morals and values?”


Basic Home Training FAIL.

But wait on it… then Bristol, the baby mama with two left feet and lopsided body, co-signs on the crazy with her own 2 cents, “you’re running your mouth just to talk shit.”

Sources talking about they’re just baby bears protecting the Mama Grizzly.

BLANK STARE

Honestly? I can’t.

I mean, what is it with the Palin crew? Or they purposely creating an image of ignorance and ass-backwards-ness? Or is it that the stupid doesn’t fall too far from the tree? Don’t either of these girls have something better to do like I don’t know… go get knocked up by a guy with a G.E.D or perhaps look at Alaska from their front porch.

Standby for Trigg & Trip to pop and start beating down kids at the daycare in the name of defending their family honor in t-minus 5, 4, 3, 2, …

i don’t have the eye or stomach for it…

By on October 6, 2010 in cuteness kills, desperate cry for help, i die, work it white girl

When it comes to careers, I firmly believe everyone should take the time to figure out what they love and more importantly, what they do well. And then, once you have that info- MAKE IT HAPPEN.


Cause there is nothing worse than spending a lifetime toiling away at something you don’t give 2 shits about or worse, SUCK at.

Case in point: this photo from the Chloe Spring Summer 2011 runway shoe.

Now, I am willing to bet my LAST dollar that many naturally gifted fashionistas and stylists around the world are SWOONING over this overpriced piece of leather and plastic sewn together somewhere behind God’s back in China. Mmm-hmm… I can just hear the high-pitched squeals now.

BLANK STARE

I, on the other hand, am so distracted by the mangled toes on the model wearing said shoe, that I can’t even utter a word. Let alone imagine myself wearing it. Chunky, golden plated kitten heel and all.

*sucks back of the teeth LOUDLY*

I mean seriously, who beat this poor girl’s toes to a pulp like this? And with all the make-up artists on hand backstage, the best they could come up with was to throw some clear polish on them Fred Flinestone nails? As opposed to, I don’t know, some damn cover-up?

Uuugh.

Like I said, everything ain’t for everyone.

and kiss my ass puh-lease…

By on October 1, 2010 in going to hell in a handbasket, i die, made for the maury show, never too grown

My goodness, rainy Fridays are a drag. I thank God everyday for the ignorance that is YouTube. Without it, I just don’t know how I’d ever make it thru. Okay?


Now I first heard about the According to “ME” Cadillac Kimberly vlog series immediately after the Eddie Long scandal broke. But it wasn’t until I saw THIS video (thank you Michael) that I truly became a fan. Yes, the topic may be a bit old (Fantasia & T.I’s re-arrest) but homegirl’s hilarity is still fresh to death.

Enjoy.

sure wish life was this simple…

By on August 26, 2010 in i die, Mitzi- all day every day

Hmmm, lots going on but I was up way to late to write anything coherent about most of it. *kanye shrug* It happens.

Although, must admitI am kinda bugging about the Columbian FaceBook hit list. Three of the listed teens have alreay been killed and the cops have no suspects or concrete motive for those people selected. SMH.
Forreal, criminals using modern technology to threaten and intimidate feels like something taken straight out of a bad Will Smith action movie. I can only assume that the reason the police haven’t more proactive about investigating the killings is because they’re waiting for Bruce Willis to fly in and save the day? No?

It’s clear that technology is going to be the downfall of many more.
Shoot, just ask wackass Soulja Boy to tell you about his starring role on the most recent Kat Stacks hidden camera phone exclusive. BLANK STARE.
Mmm-hmm, come get ya stupid boy swag up close and personal in all it’s wobbly camera-phone glory. This uninspired indie features a coke-laced romp at the Atlanta Intercontinental, cringe-inducing chest & ear massages from dirty fake finger nails, and horrible cackling sound effects from the industry’s most scandalous video hooker herself. Good grief, he’s such a dummy.

*In the of the father, son and unlimited service with a data plan. Church, Let us unplug & pray*

dem bishes at sin city need to go sit down & take notes…

By on August 24, 2010 in end of days, i die, made for the maury show, tagging out

There are few things that render me COMPLETELY speechless. And by completely speechless, feel free to envision me sitting here with my mouth wide open, eyelids peeled back, straight dumbfounded. Mm-hmmm, that ugly kinda shock.


Well this video has officially done it.

And to be fair, I recognize that this is some sacred, ancient custom that according to my shaky bakey sources started somewhere near 12 A.D. Translation: it probably deserves a whole lot more respect than what I’m thinking but… oh well.

Yooooo, when the hairy, little fat man gets to doing his thing? And then the little boy proceeds to braid his own body all the way to the top of the pole?

*does a running swan dive in the shallow end of the pool*


Just so we’re clear. I have never in my ENTIRE life been even remotely sexually curious about the average Indian man. (Something about my sensitive sense of smell just wouldn’t even let me pretend to entertain the idea of getting that close.) But after watching this craziness, I just might have to reconsider. ‘Cause not for nothing, them little mo-f’kers are flexible as HELL.

BLANK STARE.

Oh and when you finally figure out how to pick your bottom lip up off the ground, feel free to thank G. Payton for this little gem.

don’t talk about it, be about it…

By on August 9, 2010 in i die, made for the maury show, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, using our powers for good

So has anyone NOT heard about the JetBlue flight attendant from Queens that not only cussed out a passenger and quit his job over the plane’s intercom but then had the balls to jump out the emergency evacuation chute as the grand finale??


*nosedives into the shallow end of the pool*

For those who’ve been under a rock for the last 24 hours: According to CNN, the incident took place just after the flight landed at JFK and was still taxiing. Apparently, an unnamed passenger ignored the time honored ‘remain in your seats until we have arrived at the gate’ rule and stood to remove a bag from the overhead bin. And well, it seems that poor Steven Slater (the attendant in question) had finally reached his limitation with the foolishness. So he picked up the intercom and started hurling expletives at ALL the passengers. Then when the plane finally reaches the gate, dude was quoted as saying, “I’ve been doing this for ten years and I’m out of here!” He proceeds to grab some beer from the beverage cart, deploy the emergency slide and hop his happy ass off that mo-fo like, BYE, BYE BEE-YATACHES!

PAUSE.

You know I LOVE him, right?

Cause NO judgement but doesn’t he just LOOK like the kid we all grew up with that got picked on mercilessly his ENTIRE life? You know, the classmate for whom there was never a closet big enough to hold him and his fa-la-laing ways?? And then to make matters worse, he isn’t even the cutest. So if the girls were anything like I remember, they prob weren’t even willing to let him be their gay BFF. Sigh. SMH. So tragic.

But then, just when you’ve counted him out.. He tells the world TO KISS HIS ASS over the intercom!!!

I. DIE.

Like seriously, even if Steven serves all seven years in jail for criminal mischief, reckless endangerment and criminal trespass-which we know he won’t- that man just lived out the greatest fantasy of all flight attendants around the WORLD. He is a freaking LEGEND.

*raises an overflowing glass of champagne*

congrats all around…

By on August 5, 2010 in desperate cry for help, end of days, i die, made for the maury show

There’s a lot to be happy about today:


The sun is shining.

The U.S. Court overturned California’s ridiculous same-sex marriage ban.

BP seems to have finally sealed the oil well in the Gulf.

Oh and none of us are 48 year-old, Jerry Douthett. And trust when I tell you that is this last reason is HUGE. Mmm-hmmm…

Because apparently, the Rockford, MI resident got soused off of 6 beers and several margaritas and promptly passed out. When Jerry finally woke from said drunken stupor, he discovered that the family’s pet Jack Russell Kiko, had completely gnawed off his rotten big toe.

“I woke up and the dog was laying alongside my foot, then I looked and blood was everywhere,” the drunk ass explains. “I ran to the bathroom and screamed for my wife Rosie to come. I went to the bathroom, rinsed it and it was gone.”

Let me repeat, IT WAS GONE.

*promptly throws up in mouth*

But wait on it… So although Kiko had eaten the big toe down to below the nail-line, the tests at the hospital revealed that an infection that Jerry had clearly been ignoring for some time would actually require a complete amputation of the toe. And here he go talking about, “In retrospect the incident explained a lot. It smelled, and I look back now and realize every time we’d visit someone with a dog, it would be sniffing all over my foot.”

Um, it smelled?

BLANK STARE

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