tapped out | Mitzi Moments

he’s not the boss of me…

By Mitzi on May 12, 2009 in desperate cry for help, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Okay Rick Ross, first you’re outted as a fake drug lord and now you’ve been caught wearing the frugazzy Louis Vuitton sunglasses on the cover of XXL?? I am D-O-N-E.

Um Officer Ricky, I’m gonna need you to go sit down somewhere and be quiet.

Cause what you know about Louis Vuitton sending XXL magazine the xtra, xtra nasty letter about their recent cover? It’s so unbelievable, I have to post the notice/ pinktoe pimp slap:

Dear Editor:

We were dismayed to see the cover of the May 2009 issue of XXL Magazine, which features a photo of Rick Ross wearing a pair of sunglasses prominently featuring counterfeit Louis Vuitton trademarks. Because the photo has generated considerable confusion among your readers and Louis Vuitton customers among others, we feel it is important to clarify several points.

The first is that the sunglasses Mr. Ross is wearing were not made by Louis Vuitton, and in fact, are counterfeit. Louis Vuitton did not grant permission to Mr. Ross or to whoever did make the sunglasses to use our trademarks. The second is that no affiliation, sponsorship or association exists between Rick Ross or XXL and Louis Vuitton. The third is that counterfeiting is illegal.

Thank you for giving us the opportunity to correct the confusion.

Sincerely,

Michael D. Pantalony, Esq.
Louis Vuitton Malletier

Mmm-hmm, Jesus be the whiteboys that STAY lawyered up.

But seriously? What kinda shitshow are they running over there? Never in my nine years of journalism have I heard of someone wearing bootleg name brands on a freaking COVER. I mean sure, you can try and sneak it in a video but on a magazine cover? One that’s gonna sit on a newsstand for 5 weeks? And worse, people can take with them into the store? (Cause you know that’s how they got caught, right? Pookie and all his boys bumrushed their local LV store with cover in hand talkin’ bout, “We want dis right ‘ere.”

And as further proof XXL’s situation is 1-800-over, the mag’s website won’t allow folks to leave comments about or ping the post. DAYUM.

Unless… and you know this is just my conspiracy mind at work here but bear with me… What if the editors put him on the cover with the Canal Street special on purpose??? Uh-huh, yeah. You know, as a subliminal way of calling him a fraud?? Almost to say, if this fat fool really knew anything about the LV lines, he’d have known that he wasn’t rocking the real stuff??

No? Not so much? What you say? I’m over thinking it? Oh well, can’t say I ain’t try to help our folks out… NEXT.

karma is a 4-legged female…

By Mitzi on May 6, 2009 in honorary white woman, tapped out, team obama, that sense of entitlement, too old for the road, work it white girl

Damn Elizabeth Edwards! Why don’t you tell us how you really feel about your husband’s affair, mistress and the illegitimate daughter he now has??

Seriously, how many years has it been since the former Senator John Edwards dropped outta the presidential race because his mistress came forward with his love child? And his ole girl still ain’t ready to let it go?? Hmm, guess the answer to that question would be a resounding HELL NAW since she’s written an entire book about her husband’s messy extra-marital affair and how it basically obliterated his entire political career (under the guise of being an inspirational self-help guide, of course).

But wait on it… now she’s making rounds in TIME magazine and on Oprah’s couch to throw John even further under the bus; I mean, promote her new project. Hee-hee. Talking about, “I’ve seen a picture of the baby. I have no idea. It doesn’t look like my children, but I don’t have any idea.” Um, did she just call that woman’s child, IT???

Damn, that’s cold.

On the forreal, forreal, I feel horribly for Elizabeth Edwards. I can’t imagine what it must be like to discover that your husband is cheating on you with some no-count, golddigging, bottle-blonde while you’re trying to beat breast cancer. And then the whole messy situation is played out in the headlines? Yikes, no thank you.

But not for nothing… if she’s still so pissed, why stay? White woman in distress, don’t you know the whole world belongs to you? Pack yo shit, get your child and bounce. Otherwise ma, go sit down. Whatever you do, please stop hatin’ on the side-piece- it just make you look bitter. And Lord knows you already look like the cryptkeeper besides that man; no offense.

the height of stupidity….

By Mitzi on April 28, 2009 in desperate cry for help, it's not a game out there, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, too old for the road

See…. cuteness is a tool of the devil.

I KNEW I should’ve stayed my vain self at home on Sunday night, enjoyed the unseasonable warm weather and minded my bid-ness. But NO. There I go, worrying about this godforsaken bridesmaid dress that I have to squeeze my ass into in exactly 23 days… and I decide to drag my butt to a 6.30p bikram class.

Well wait on it… don’t you know some worthless ass heifer STOLE my damn flip-flops from the friggin’ studio??

Uh-huh, you read that right: Just like hilarious episode of Sex And The City, where Carrie grudgingly goes to the baby shower and her gorgeous pair of silver Manolo Blahniks get ganked, my BRAND NEW black flip-flops were G-O-N-E.

(Insert image of me doing the most not to lose my shit on all the hippy ass pink toes standing around at the moment of discovery talking about, ‘are you sure you wore them here? Did you look carefully? Oh, I’m sure it was just an innocent mistake.’)

Innocent mistake my ass! I even waited until every last person had come to retrieve their shoes- just to see what was left (and quietly, still hoping the person might return with my shoes) Well, guess what? There wasn’t ONE pair of shoes left. NOTHING. NADA. Translation: that dirty mo-fo took theirs AND mine.

OMG, who does that? Sure its a recession, times are hard but MY GOD. Who steals flip-flops in 2009??

But Jesus be a neurotic black woman and her shower shoes… because despite all the side-eye that I catch for wearing flip-flops in the communal shower stall(apparently, they encourage folks to go barefoot to reduce the amount of outside dirt), at least my ass had something to wear go home.

Otherwise, picture me stepping out onto 145th Street barefoot!!! Shiiiiitttt! No maam, not even on a damn dare…

viagra is the devil…

By Mitzi on March 23, 2009 in desperate cry for help, going to hell in a handbasket, honorary white woman, i'm not ready to be a grandmother, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out

Hold up, wait a minute! What you know about two old ass women coming to blows in the middle of the street over some 72-year-old piece a man?!?!?!

According to the police report filed by 78-year-old (yes, as in 7-8) Edith Mitchell: she was chillin’ in a car with her boyfriend of two years when some unnamed 73-year-old woman rolled up popping junk about that being her man and started punching poor Edith in the head!!! Mm-hmm, straight thumped her out.

Now you know, Edith ain’t get to be 78-years-old by mistake so she carried her ass in the crib, grabbed her shotgun and came out guns a-blazing on some old school western, let’s get it poppin’ bee-yatch type nonsense…

Unfortunately, the side chick was a little quicker on her feet than good ‘ole Edith. Apparently she snatched the shotgun from Edith and fired a shot. (Damn, just like that.) Thankfully, she missed Big E and no one else was fatally injured. Um, feel free to pick your face off the floor right now.

Okay seriously? There are sosososo many things wrong with this situation, I don’t even know where to begin. Forget the fact that there were two geriatric females slap boxing in the street. Lemme ask you this, where the hell was the alledged boyfriend when all this craziness was happening?? What, was he too old to get involved? And how in the world do you explain to your kids and GRANDkids what had happened to you? Uh-uh, I can’t.

Jesus come get your bey-bey kids…

negroes and flies…

By Mitzi on March 13, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, honorary white woman, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Between preparing for, hosting and recovering from the BFF and baby’s visit, I’ve been a tad out the loop. Which is the reason, I’m just now getting around to reading the story about the recently released text messages that stoopid ass Kwame Kilpatrick sent out on his government issued cell phone. And to be quite honest, we might all cringe at the arrogance of his behavior but on the low, low…

What you know about Kwame killin’ them hoes PROPER?

According to the court documents, there were 682 pages of text messages sent! Um excuse me, who got time to send that many damn text messages? Am I the only one who wants to know when the hell was this man ever WORKING??

Beyond the ridiculous number of texts, how ’bout what they actually said? In one breath he tells Christine Beatty (‘ole girl that’s still locked up behind this mess, while his ass was released early) that she is the “wind beneath my wings.” But like three exchanges later, he wants her “to talk to me while I do you. Tell me to lick faster, softer, higher, lower, etc.” Okay, perhaps I’m a little slow, but how you go from quoting Bette Midler to talkin nasty??

Then wait on it… 10 messages later, he’s telling the 2nd sidechick, Natasha Dooley that “my dick needs to be sucked. It’s been a while.” Oh yeah? Is that so Mayor Kilpatrick?

Granted, while all the above foolishness is popping off, the First Lady a.k.a Ms. I-Will-Beat A-Hoe’s-Butt-in-the-Mayoral -Office-If-I-Catch-U-Screwing-My-Husband inquires about the status of her Navigator. Jesus haf mercy.

Tyler Perry come get the script to your next straight to DVD movie!

Sidenote: Apparently, Kwame is now suing SkyTel for releasing the text messages. Umm-hmm… Talking about he wants $100 million for the violation of his privacy and constitutional rights. I swear I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to…

there are no words…

By Mitzi on March 4, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, it's not a game out there, tapped out

Hmmm… so do you remember when that videotape of a 2 year-old girl being raped by a grown ass 34 year-old man mysteriously popped up in the Vegas desert about two years ago ? It was around the time all those little girls were being kidnapped and murdered across the country… and there was the intense nationwide manhunt for the dirty looking white dude with greasy hair and those nasty looking striped bed sheets?

Then when the authorities finally located the all the parties involved it was real nightmare operation- something like at the time, the girl’s mom was broke and homeless. So they were crashing at some random girlfriend’s crib for a couple of weeks. The guy, Chester Arthur Stiles was the friend’s trifling live-in boyfriend and he raped the baby while the mom and the friend were out kicking it. Or something real ‘Gone Baby Gone/ trailer-trashy mess like that…

Anyhoo, don’t ask me why I taught this sicko was already locked up under a jail but apparently he was just sentenced yesterday afternoon. Mmm-hmm, dude is looking at 22 felonies that carry multiple life prison terms in addition to an upcoming federal trial for producing child pornography that when he’s found guilty will carry a sentence of 15 to 30 years. Good luck.

You know, if they’re not gonna send Chester the Molester back to God for a do-over (’cause some folks really do need their interventions directly from the Big Homie) then I really hope they release his ass in to general population. NO, not because I want to see him tortured (although that is definitely a bonus) but rather because this is NOT where I want to see my tax dollars at work. I don’t want this scumbag to have a private cell, separate meals, take a shower at a different time, scratch his balls, not one damn thing different from all the rest of the folks I’m already supporting.

the bigger the bark…

By Mitzi on January 27, 2009 in miracle on 169th street, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out

Question: why do owners of small and minature dogs think its appropriate to stand by and watch their pet attack a larger dog?

Every time I take Drama for a walk through the park, somebody’s little foo foo dog comes running up to growl and snap at her. Luckily, Drama could care less about other dogs so for the most part we just keep walking and eventually the little mo-fu will get tired and return to its owner. No harm, no foul. (Of course, there was this minature Yorkie that nipped her nose and drew blood… I won’t get into the specifics of what I promised the owner would happen if her pissant dog ever came near us again but let’s just say, it hasn’t happened since.)

So lemme tell you, my neighbor Glaydys owns two minature chihuahuas, Ruby and Brownie; as well as two pitbulls, Mindnight and Hannibal. (I know, I know it’s a lot but try not to get sidetracked with the details.) Anyhoo, Ruby hates Hannibal. Like, every single time Hannibal walks near by her little basket/ home, she jumps up, loses her little mind and attacks his legs, tail, nose, or whatever else she can reach. It’s a mess.

For the record, on numerous occasions I’ve warned Glaydys about letting Ruby run amuck. But everyone in the apartment laughs me off because she’s so tiny and Hannibal doesn’t pay her any mind.

Well you know what they say- all good things must come to an end.

I guess Hannibal was in a bad mood last night and finally snapped back. Don’t you know he grabbed her up by the neck, shook her around and tossed that little ass straight across the room. Mmm-hmm, just like that. There was no blood drawn but poor thing was shaking leaf for at least an hour afterwards.

Now you know… if you have a little nosiemaker for a pet, you better act like you love it. Cause they can get it.

not you…

By Mitzi on January 12, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Um, WHY did the Mayor of Baltimore just get indicted on 12 counts of accepting illegal gifts, four counts of perjury and two counts of theft over $500? Seriously? 8 measly days away from the first Black President being sworn into office and THIS is what you wanna do Sheila Dixon?

Talking about, “I am being unfairly accused. Time will prove that I have done nothing wrong, and I am confident that I will be found innocent of these charges.”

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we already know the story S-Boogie. They set you up. They MADE you take the gifts. Umm-hmm, okay Mayor Berry… I mean Dixon. My bad. I dont know why I keep getting the names of all the crackhead Mayors mixed-up like that. So sorry.

Can I tell you? Initially, in the spirit of having hope and believing in change, I really, really wanted to belileve that there was a misunderstanding. But once I read the list of ‘gifts': fur coat, travel and multiple gift certificates for an XBox, PlayStation2, camcorder and clothes… Fur coat and an Xbox? Man listen, lock that trick up under the jail.

I swear, this is just further proof that everybody ain’t gonna make it into the promiseland.

good for you…

By Mitzi on January 9, 2009 in cuteness kills, tapped out, using our powers for good

I see I’m not the only one who doesn’t like it when people show up at my apartment unannounced…

Apparently,a panda bear bit the crap out of a man who jumped in his pen to retrieve a toy that had fallen over the railing at the Beijing Zoo. Daaaammmmn… I thought panda were suppossed to be friendly, social-type creatures.

But bigger than the panda with an attitude, WHY was this man able to simply HOP a little fence?? What in the world? WHY was the fence that low?

And please don’t tell me it’s so people can get up close and personal with nature. Cause THAT is not nature. Not even on a dare. THAT is a wild animal that’s been caged up AGAINST it’s will for our amusement. What would make you think they’re remotely happy to see you? Mmm-hmmm, like ELsa used to tell me- keep playin’ if you want to.

Personally, my scary behind will take a good ole American zoo with triple layers of plexiglass and the sky-high electric fence enclosure with enough voltage to shock that ass to death if a strand of hair brushes against it any day of the damn week. If and when I want so see some “nature” I’ll go chill in Central Park and watch the shirtless white boys play football in the dead of winter. That’s enough wildlife for me, thank you very much.

let the countdown begin…

By Mitzi on December 30, 2008 in cuteness kills, made for the maury show, tapped out, too old for the road

Anyhoo, as usual, in the last 48 hours of the year I am running around trying to do all the things that should’ve been accomplished in the past 363 days. I’m trying to make returns, drop-offs at the Goodwill, find a new desk, clean the apartment from top to bottom, workout and of course, find the perfect dress for New Year’s Eve.

Which is exactly why instead of peacefully enjoying my “stay-cation” inside my apartment, I was out in the streets and visually assaulted at every turn with what I consider the biggest fashion offense of the year- rib-cage length cropped winter coats and sweater (a.k.a. the reinvented shrug). Yeah I said it. That bullshit needs to GO.

Seriously, what the hell is the purpose of this half assed cover-up? Especially when it’s your winter coat?? Just so I’m clear- you’ve got the long sleeves and and hood with the fur but not the actual coat part? Call me anal but doesn’t that defeat the purpose of the coat concept? Wait, lemme guess, only your boobs get cold in the winter?

I can’t.

And for the record, at five feet flat, I’m a huge fan of the standard waist-length cropped coats/ jackets/ sweaters/whatever. But NO ONE looks good in those Forever 21/ 5-7-9/ Marshalls bargain bin specials.

I don’t care if you’re not “fat” or eventechnically “chubby”- if you ain’t anerexic or rocking the certified six-pack, your stomach will poke out from under that mess. It will jiggle when you walk. It is sloppy and yes, you do look a hot ass mess.

Let the prayer circles commence, I’m tagging out.

Page 6 of 5 4 5 6 7 8

Mitzi Moments

CONTACT

Category: tapped out