tapped out | Mitzi Moments

he’s a fatty…

By Mitzi on September 25, 2009 in cuteness kills, it takes a village, tapped out

So I’m in the supermarket last night and I swear, every other person that passed me by was either pregnant or pushing a stroller. It was the most bizarre thing. And I don’t know if it’s the PMS or what but, I could not stop wishing oohing and awwing like a damn fool.

You know that annoying girl who can’t help but say how adorable every single baby in sight is? Yeah, that was me. Sigh.

But then, I got online this morning and read an article about a woman in Indonesia who just gave birth to a 19-pound baby boy and I almost threw up in my mouth! NINETEEN POUNDS?? I can’t even lift a ten pound dumbbell without bitching and complaining and this lil’ sumo wrestler came out of the womb weighing NINETEEN pounds??

Um, just what in the-made-for the-maury-show- hell is anyone supposed to do with that?

Poor woman is prob gonna throw her back out just trying to carry him home from the hospital. And let’s not talk about what it’s going to cost to properly feed that child. Uh-uh, no ma’am…

Thank you NY Daily News, my biological clock is officially SHUT DOWN.

makin’ it hot for real victims…

By Mitzi on September 18, 2009 in desperate cry for help, end of days, tapped out, too old for the road, why we as a people can't get ahead

OMG, I was so blown when I heard that the Hostra chick who cried gang rape was straight up lying. Like, who does that?? Um hello, this is 2009. If you want to get it poppin’ with 5 boys in the bathroom at school dance then that’s ya business. Granted, you wouldn’t be no friend of mine but still… go ‘head ma.

The whole situation is tragic. Putting those boys and their families through the ringer b/c she didn’t want her boyfriend to find out that she was a lil’ fast ass? When all along homegirl was more than a willing participant in the amateur porn shenanigans.

Not for nothing, if it was MY son that was accused of some random mess like this, I’d press criminal charges in the blink of an eye AND then sue the shit outta that loony tune. Of course, this is after I beat fire outta him for even being involved in some foolishness like running a train with four of his friends. Sigh. I. Can’t.

Jesus be the camera phone that set them free.

pants on fire…

By Mitzi on September 3, 2009 in desperate cry for help, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, too old for the road

Um, so what a minute. Just so I’m clear- that whole story about pioneer female rapper Roxanne Shante negotiating to get a Ph.D as part of her payment from the record company is a lie??? Well damn, I don’t even know what to say.

Not for nothing, I JUST saw her being honored at this Women in Hip-Hip Achievement dinner thingy not too long ago… Sigh. It’s just so sad when people lie to get attention and then get caught out like this.

Kinda reminds me of good ‘ole Tyler Perry. Remember how long he was running around here insisting that he was heterosexual? Oh wait, he’s still talking that ‘ish. My bad.

lowest common denominator…

By Mitzi on August 28, 2009 in desperate cry for help, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out

Okay- so in the pure, unadulterated tomfoolery of the day: the unnamed Tunisian woman who earlier this week claimed to be pregnant with twelve kids via IVF has been exposed as a fraud. And surprise, surprise, suddenly homegirl and her aiding and abetting husband have gone into hiding. Whatever.

I know everyone wants to famous/ special and important but who-in-the-worthless-excuse-for-a-life hell lies about being pregnant with 12 kids? No ma’am, this type of foolishness is a perfect example of what happens when folks start talking just to hear the sound of their voices.

Jesus be the overbooked looney bin.

actually, a king’s son is a prince….

By Mitzi on July 22, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, never too grown, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, that sense of entitlement

I must say, yesterday was a lot. First, waking up to the sound of pouring rain and then realizing that my cable/ internet wasn’t working definitely blew me. But in the grand scheme of things, it could’ve always been worse.

Shoot, I could’ve been famed African-American scholar and Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. who got arrested for disorderly conduct after forcing open the jammed front door of the house he LIVES in. Mmm-hmm…

All I can say is thank god today is another day. The sun is shining, the Yankees are tied for 1st place in the Division and apparently Kelis finally delivered her son with Nas. Yes, let the choir sing. ‘Cause I am beyond tired of hearing about those angry twits from the web and reading about the messy divorce proceeding… yeah, I said it.

Not for nothing, if Kesha Nichols can get over being dumped via text message by lame ass, e-thug Richard Jefferson less than a week before their wedding, then my god- its time to pull up your big girl panties and move on the hell on.

Real talk? You skimmed through his first baby mama’s book just like the rest of us… You knew who you married. You rocked your matching satin ‘NIGGER’ jacket with pride. Spare us all the indignant outrage, ridiculous $20,000 a month child support demands and just carry your ass back to the studio.

please revist parenting 101…

By Mitzi on June 23, 2009 in cuteness kills, i'm not ready to be a grandmother, it's in the genes, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, that sense of entitlement

Err-umm, I know most parents stop whooping their kids when they get old enough to comprehend but real talk? Some of these hard headed mo-fo’s need to be beat all the way up until they turn 21 years-old. And preferably with a large, thick, you-gonna-remember-this-one-right-here leather belt like the one my Dad used on my lil’ ass back in the day… Uh-huh, yeah, I said it.

‘Cause if more teenagers understood that they could still catch a bad one from their parents, we damn sure wouldn’t have bored children enlisting to become assassins in Mexican drug cartels, playing themselves out in ridiculous reality shows like NYC Prep or walking into tattoo parlors talking about, “hi. I want you to tat up my body to the point where the only place I’ll ever be able to work is a circus.”

Because in what can only be attributed to a lack of fear of the parental beat down, 18 year-old Kimberley Vlaeminck decided to have 56 freaking stars etched into the side of her FACE. And to no one’s surprise but her own, her father completely lost his shit when that fast ass got home.

So naturally, like all immature, adolescents under pressure Ms. Kimberley went straight into denial mode.

Don’t you know, this silly child had the nerve to insist that she’d “only asked for three stars, feel asleep in the chair and woke up with a galaxy on her face.” You ONLY asked for three stars on your FACE??? Feel free to insert the blank stare with 2 blinks.

But wait on it… Her parents actually believed that bullshit!

I mean to say, not only did they believe it but they proceeded to hire a lawyer and press charges against the tattoo artist/ parlour. As if any sober person in their right mind could sleep through 56 stars being inked on his/her face… I. can’t.

Needless to say, not even a week later homegirl got caught on a hidden camera admitting that she knew all along what the tattoo artist was going to do. So she’s had to issue an apology, retract her statement, lost the almost $18,000 her parents put into making the claim/ hiring a lawyer, et al.

So ummm, I’m just going to go out on a limb and say, this right here. This is what happens when “time outs” go horribly wrong. No offense

not even the CL pumps can save her…

By Mitzi on June 11, 2009 in desperate cry for help, going to hell in a handbasket, it ain't easy, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, tapped out, the internet is the devil, why we as a people can't get ahead

Here’s the thing, I’m all for fashion forwardness. I love seeing new trends emerge (so about to cop an adorable one-piece pantsuits) and disappear (baby doll dress be damned).

Even if good old fashioned commonsense/ awareness of my body shape won’t necessarily allow me to get involved (thigh high boots), more power to those constantly push the envelope.

With that said, this morning I have serious beef with Rihanna.

What the in the unholy my-stylist-had-the-night-off HELL was she doing prancing around NYC in a damn over-sized cardigan like it’s a sweater dress??

Shit is a certified wreck. Oh and PS, the random bustier tossed up under there doesn’t make it any better. At. All. Cause really, it just looks like ya girl put on the pretty drawers, the sweater and said bump wearing pants/shorts/anything to properly cover her butt.

Listen, I know the poor thing done been through some shit recently but that’s simply no reason to hit the pavement assed-out and half-naked. Uh-uh, no maam. Not today, not tomorrow, not even on a dare.

But the FORREAL, FORREAL reason that I’m mad at Rih-Rih? For every time her tall and skinny behind tries to pull something crazy like this off. There’s a confused girl with a TOTALLY Different shape following her lead… AND FAILING MISERABLY.

Exhibit A: Homegirl following right behind her in the shiny shirt, leather boots and a crazy looking cardigan vest of her own. Need I say more?

Jesus be a fill-length mirror. Light a candle ya’ll…

bill. it’s. your. baby…

By Mitzi on June 5, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, keep hope alive, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, too old for the road

See now….

Sometimes a cause of death should just remain undisclosed. Did we really, really need to know that David Carradine was found with a rope tied to his neck and another to his genitals? Seriously? I just threw up in my mouth.

Cause now, anyone with a good gay friend (hey, G.P.) or S&M fetish (don’t even look over here)can tell you that this man done messed around and kilt himself playin‘ the reindeer games. And he was in Thailand? Land of the underage prostitutes and anything goes erotica scene? Sigh.

Damn Grasshopper…

congrats pretty stevie…

By Mitzi on June 1, 2009 in desperate cry for help, it's not a game out there, Mitzi- all day every day, tapped out

So I finally touched NY ground late last night after the cute 4-day vacay in Miami with a bunch of my old school FAMU crew to celebrate our boy’s graduation from dental school. And despite Florida’s touch and go weather (it rained for at least 3 hours every single solitary damn day), I still managed to get more than my fair share of sun, fun and grown folk relaxation on. Mmm-hmmm…

Lord knows, it’s always fun times getting together with college folks I haven’t seen in YEARS… first and foremost because they’re the people that I spent the majority of my ignorant late teens/ early twenties getting in and out of BS with (raise your hand if you know about those late, late night runs to Guthrie’s and chugging flaming Dr. Peppers) and because we’re finally grown enough not to have to sleep two in a bed and one on the floor to be able to afford a room in the nice hotel. Mmm-hmmm, just like that.

Lord, there’s so much new stuff to catch up on- where you at, what you working on, where you going next, who still has all their hair, how many pounds we’ve all gained, etc. I swear, I haven’t laughed so hard in a very looooong time.

But seriously- when the hell did discussions about daycare and private school tuition replace talking shit?? I mean, forget the big money schemes, fly rides, latest styles and upcoming vacay adventures- this time around it was all about how to maintain your swagger while pushing the minivan w/ multiple car seats, where to find the Spanx thong and tips on how to remain as quiet when the wife is speaking. Huh??? Oh and wait on it…

What you know about the virtues of a vasectomy debate that ensued over our Saturday night dinner. With more than a few of the wives talkin’ ’bout, “snip, snip negro!”

Yo, forreal, forreal?I haven’t been so happy to be single and child free in LIFE. To be able to say my biggest concern before boarding the flight was whether I remembered the sun block v. worrying that my mother-in-law might feed our 3 year-old McDonalds, was PRICELESS.

I respect Black love, the commitment my peers have to making their families work and all that Barack and Michelle jazz BUT Jesus take the wheel! I’m G-O-O-D.

who the electric chair is made for…

By Mitzi on May 13, 2009 in desperate cry for help, it's not a game out there, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, too old for the road

I’m almost embarrassed to admit it but the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have gone on so long, I’m almost completely numb to the continual horror stories on the evening news. Which is probably why I didn’t pay attention to any of the details in the most recent tragedy at a clinic in Camp Liberty in Baghdad when five soldiers were murdered… Honestly, I simply assumed that it was another terrorist’s bombing. But this morning, I learned that it was actually an American soldier that killed his fellow soldiers. SMH.

But wait on it… Folks sensed that this guy was a loose cannon. Mmm-hmm… Not only was he on his THIRD tour of duty (which already tells you something) but apparently, Sgt. John M. Russell had just been ordered to turn in his gun and undergo counseling by his commanding officer because of erratic stress-related behavior.

So essentially, while he was at said mandatory counseling appointment, he lost his shit, wrestled the gun away from his escort (yeah, homeboy required an armed escort to the clinic) and shot the hell outta every damn body in the place. Sigh.

Oh and the main reason he was so stressed out? According to his father, “he had fallen in debt paying his $1,500-a-month mortgage… and he thought they were trying to push him out of the service.”

Seriously? You’re gonna kill five innocent people who are just minding their business because of a mortgage payment that costs less than most people’s rent in NYC? No sir, there’s got to be a better way…

Uncle Sam please come get your psycho nephew.

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