Category: tapped out

Hmm, there’s just so much tomfoolery going on in the world this Monday morning I don’t know where to start. Let’s see…

Ah-ha, looks like the TSA continues it’s tradition of hiring only the most qualified and upstanding individuals to protect our country’s borders- NOT. According to the Daily News, a 57-year old employee in the Orlando area was arrested for attempting to turn a 15 year-old girl into his sex slave. *crickets*

But wait on it… when this genius was brought in for questioning, he denies molesting her and insists that all he did was”grope” her. And just to prove his well meaning intentions, the admitted S&M oriented swinger said in a written statement that all he did was ASK her to be his sex slave. You know, not like he was gonna FORCE her or anything… Sigh.

So we’re all clear, this is who’s rifling through all the panties & bras in my carry-on luggage? Good to know, very good to know.

So really quickly can I tell you how crazy my JetBlue flight back to the US was?

Like real, talk? I thought I was gonna DIE. And before you assume that I’m just being over dramatic, just know that JetBlue just issued every passenger on the flight a $50 credit towards their next flight on the airline because the situation was so crazy. Okay?

So essentially what had happened is our plane unexpectedly hit a cross gulf airstream. Now normally when this occurs there’s a bit of turbulence but the airplane (which is going faster) gets through it. Apparently, this cross stream was a tad stronger than expected. Now, when I tell you it felt like the plane hit a BRICK WALL?? Seriously? It felt like the plane bounced back off of a wall and then straight dropped down a couple hundred feet!

Yo, I was so freaked out, big fat tears just started involuntarily popping outta my eyes. And it take A LOT to make me cry.

Between the TVs/ lights going out, the grown ass man sitting next to me, screaming “Oh my god, we’re over the ocean, we’re still over the ocean!” over ‘n over, and the woman two seats behind who was hysterically hyperventilating at the top of her lungs, I was DONE. All I could think about was the number of senseless tragedies that have been happening (and how much I did NOT wanna die with a bunch of random folks around me)….Oh and the fact that I didn’t bother to call my mom before we took off. #worstdaughterintheworld

I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to land at JFK in my LIFE! And while I appreciate the $50 credit, I don’t know ya’ll, I really don’t know… this might be my year to get very familiar with trains and automobiles.

Psst! Psst! Aye yo Usher, lemme holla at you right quick?

So yeah, the last time I checked, the new millenium Great Depression was bearing down on our country. Folks who have never wanted for anything are suddenly struggling and looking for a quick and easy score and that’s to say nothing of those who started on the fringe. In light of this (pretty common) information, what in the world would make you or ANY OTHER IDIOT leave $1 million dollars of jewelry & electronics and wait on it… an additional $50K of furs inside a parked car??

And no, I don’t care that you left it in front of a busy shopping mall! Dummy.

Like seriously? According to personal friends that live in the nicer ATL-area, negroes are kicking in doors and jacking cars from driveways in the broad daylight on some real reckless 80’s type ish. And you wanna try the people with diamonds and furs? C’monSON! Even if the economic climate doesn’t affect you personally, Im’ma need you to pick up a newspaper, turn on the news and be aware of what’s happening around you.

I’ll admit, normally I find these this type of tomfoolery entertaining. But this time, I really hope this story isn’t true. ‘Cause this may sound horrible but if it is true, I hope your dumbass doesn’t get a freaking DIME from the insurance company. If you have so much surplus that it doesn’t occur to take good care of it, please don’t cry me no crocodile tears after the fact.


To say I was shocked to hear of Brittany Murphy’s death is putting it lightly. I LOVED so many of her performances- Clueless, Girl, Interrupted, Spun, and the list goes on. Real talk? She was totally a friend in my head. And despite whatever she may have allegedly been going through lately, it’s heartbreaking to learn that anyone at the age of 32 can suffer and die from a heart attack. *makes mental note to get my butt to the gym*

And I’d definitely be remiss if I didn’t also mention the passing of another wonderful actress who over the years brought a lot of laughter to my life- Alaina Reed Hall a.k.a Rose from 227. Apparently the 63 year-old passed away last week after battling breast cancer. *makes mental note to check the twins for lumps as soon as I get in the shower*

But I also ned to take a moment to send a special prayer out to family and friends of 25 year-old Euthisa Revee Renix. The pregnant mother of one suffered a seizure and also died of cardiac arrest while working at a Au Bon Pain in Brooklyn. The difference here is that there were two lazy ass NYC EMTs in store when Euthisa initially collapsed. And they absolutely refused to interrupt their breakfast break to help resuscitate her. Matter-of-fact, the two callous bastards advised one of homegirl’s co-workers to “call 911″ and then they walked out before back-up ever arrived. * makes mental note to light a candle cause those two are going straight to hell*

Um, raise your hand if you’re ready not just for a new year but a new decade.

Wow, there’s a lot going on for the Friday before Xmas break, huh?

First, there’s Cincinnati Bengal Chris Henry’s untimely, tragic ACCIDENTAL death (yeah, I’m calling it an accident. ‘Cause if you jump in the bed of the truck that I’m driving to get the hell away and you subsequently fall out- That ‘ish is NOT my fault). My sincere prayers go out to all of his family and friends.

Then, Mama Tina (finally) filed the divorce papers. Now, I’m no fan of divorce but can’t say I blame the woman. She’s too damn old to have to adopt and raise yet ANOTHER one of Papa Knowles’ illegitimate offspring. She did her part w/ Kelly. This time around, Matthew is on his own. No offense.

And in what, as a professional writer,I consider to be a particularly disheartening and downright disgusting story, it seems the Wayans brothers are getting sued AGAIN for stealing someone else’s book/film idea. COME ON. Like seriously, there are not one, not two, but THREE of ya’ll Negroes. Is it that damn difficult to a) chip in and PAY folks for their intellectual property or b) CREATE your own ‘ish??? *DEAD FISH EYES*

But seriously, who needs to gossip about celebrities when real life is so freaking off the chain?

Just yesterday a career criminal who had 14 prior arrests for offenses that include manslaughter, assault, drugs and robbery, kicked in the door of a fellow con he met while serving time for manslaughter and killed dude, his brother and his father. According to the NY Post “Gunman Hector Quinones blew away 24-year-old Carlos Rodriguez Jr., and his father Carlos Rodriguez Sr., 52, and then repeatedly stabbed grandfather Fernando Gonzalez, 87, to death before the elder Rodriguez’s wife and adult daughter walked unwittingly into the carnage in the apartment they all shared.”

But wait on it… As the genius is attempting to make his getaway down the fire escape, he got tangled up in his baggy pants, tripped and PLUNGED three stories to his death.


It sure is hard being a parent nowadays, huh? Not that I would know a damn thing about it BUT I gotta admit, reading the recall notice on ALL the Maclaren strollers sold in the US since 1999 kinda made my childless-by-choice nerves bad.

I’m saying, not one or two but TWELVE little kids had a finger chopped off? Woah.

But wait on it… Apparently Maclaren has known about the manufacturing defect for FIVE years. And yet, did absolutely nada. Talking about they were under no legal obligation to report the issue… Err-um, please feel free to insert the classic *Blank Stare W/ Three Blinks*

As if there isn’t enough things in the world to worry about when it comes to the babies? Now, you gotta be careful you don’t “traumatically amputate” a finger or two? Uh-uh, no thank you.

I gotta give it to the kid, that Levi Johnson never ceases to bring a nice satisfied smirk to my face. You know, kinda like the one that happens when you unintentionally witness a worthless ex get screamed on in public by his crazy ass stripper baby mama (don’t ask). Mmm-hmm… I swear, this dude STAY giving Sarah Palin da BID-NEZZ.

So peep game, now in addition to previously pulling the entire GOP strategy machine’s ho cards out in a recent Vanity Fair expose on what really happened on the campaign trail when they found out about the pregnancy and agreeing to pose nude for the upcoming Christmas issue of Playgirl, homeboy is threatening to personally AIR SARAH’S ASS OUT if she doesn’t quit poppin’ shit about him.  

Talking ’bout: “Now it’s my turn. If she’s gonna say things about me, I’m gonna leak things about her.  That’s just how it is.”

Oh snap!!!  It’s like THAT Levi?  Word???

All them Alaska rednecks besta stop staring at their view of Russia and come get this boy…

Oh God, so yesterday morning I read the most disturbing article about the ridiculous amounts of e.coli that go undetected in beef processing despite all the new safety precautions. In fact, this one woman who was a dance instructor literally wound up in a coma and became freaking paralyzed after eating a tainted pre-packaged burger.  Can you imagine?  

I have to tell you, reading that story was more depressing than watching the women interviewed in Chris Rock’s new hilarious flick, Good Hair openly admit that given a choice: they’d spend $1K on their weave before they’d pay rent/ mortgage. Um-hmm… Mind you, I already knew how folks get down about their hair- hell hath no fury like a bald-headed black woman- but still… 

Granted, this isn’t the first time that I’ve been warned about the dangers of beef.  But at the end of a shitty day, nothing says love like a couple of my super-duper homemade tacos. But now, thanks to the chick in the wheelchair, I’m gonna have to rethink all of that. Sigh.

Don’t you hate it when you gotta do better just cause you know better?

Praise the Lord, it’s Friday!  

Even if the sun is barely shining, Dave Letterman just received an undeserved round of applause for admitting to adultery and Chicago lost the bid for the Olympics (sorry Mama Oprah), I’m still happy as hell that the weekend is upon us.

I think I want to go to the movies this weekend… Doesn’t the comedy with Vince Vaughn come out today?  Or wait, maybe it was that new roller derby Drew Barrymore movie with Ellen Page, Whip It. Whichever one, I sure hope it’s entertaining.  ‘Cause I’m going to need something  to help me forget about the scary daycare worker in England that was arrested for abusing year old babies with toothbrushes, taking pictures and sending them to some pedophile she had the hots for

On second thought, it might take a little more than a movie to forget that mess.

You know, it really makes me wonder whether homegirl’s mother smoked cigarettes while she was in the womb.  According to a report on Reuters, children born to women who smoke during the pregnancy have a greater risk of developing psychotic tendencies. And let’s be clear, anyone who feels the need to sodomize an infant to score points with any sort of love interest let alone a sexual deviant is clearly a hot ass psycho mess.

I’m just saying… this is not the type of ish that Gandhi would have wanted to hear on his 140th  birthday people! Okay? 

Okay seriously?  This video looks like it was shot in third world country.  Certainly not on the streets of a major city like Chicago.  What in the hell? Where did these kids get the 2×4 planks that they’re swinging around like bats from? Good grief.  

My heart goes out to the families of all the kids- the one that lost his life, the ones that got injured in the brawl as well as the ones that are about to go to jail for the rest of their lives behind this tomfoolery.

Let the choir sing…



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