tapped out | Mitzi Moments

two times is the blessed charm…

By Mitzi on October 4, 2010 in going to hell in a handbasket, keep hope alive, made for the maury show, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Sometimes there’s just so much craziness going on in the world that I have no choice but to block the most sensational sounding stories out.

Hence, why it took 5 days for me to actually bother to read the details on Jesse Shipley, the kid from Staten Island that died in a car crash & for whatever reason, after already determining cause of death; the coroner decided to keep his brain in the office while returning the body to the family for burial.

BLANK STARE w 3 LOOONG BLINKS

Mind you, no one would’ve ever been the wiser except kids from the dead boy’s school just so happened to have a field trip to said coroner’s office. And the genius examiner had Jesse’s brain in a clear jar with his damn name labeled on it out for display.

Yeah, you read that correctly. As in for show n’ tell.

Oh but forget about the traumatized kids who saw their friend’s brain in a jar and the family who realized that they had buried their child without a brain. The best part? Now the family’s priest who refused to consider it a “proper burial” without the brain intact. So the parents had to dig up the body, put the brain inside the carcass and RE-bury their child.

Now, when I tell ya’ll we’re living through the end of days…

*starts tossing holy water like I’m popping champagne*

laughing all the way to lockdown…

By Mitzi on September 30, 2010 in end of days, it's not a game out there, keep hope alive, tapped out, the internet is the devil

Wow. I just read the story about 18 year-old Tyler Clementi who apparently committed suicide after his punk ass roommate, Dharun Ravi and Ravi’s homegirl, Molly Wei used a hidden webcam to stream the Rutger University freshman’s make-out with another dude live on the Internet. And added bonus: announced the intention to do so on his Twitter feed.

DEAD FISH EYES

Seriously? This story completely breaks my heart. How nasty and mean of an individual can you be to videotape your own roommate and then put it up on the freaking internet? As a female, knowing how often it’s done to women, why would you ever co-sign on sexually exploiting anyone like that? Why is the idea of two men making out even funny? It’s just sex. Big damn deal. SMH.

So now, this promising kid, who was apparently a very talented violinist, just jumped off the George Washington Bridge and both your dumb asses are looking at least five years in jail.

Still funny now?

Uugh. No one deserves such an undignified outing of their sexual orientation.Ever. My heart goes out to his family.

put down the doughnuts…

By Mitzi on September 16, 2010 in going to hell in a handbasket, Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out

Oh the NYPD meter maids… SMH.

It just so tragic how seriously this mean-spirited division of the police department takes itself. Like, it’s not our fault you couldn’t even qualify to fight REAL crime. Tell you what, instead of taking it out on every tom, dick and harry who’s car is even remotely parked near a dead fire hydrant, why don’t you go workout and study a little something? So maybe one day, you can catch a real criminal. No, too much like right? I figured.

*rolls eyes*

So check this out: according to the NY Post a NYPD traffic cop was so busy ticketing a car parked on the wrong side during alternate side of the street cleaning, that the dummy chick didn’t even notice the driver was sitting in the car- DEAD. Oh and wait on it, it’s not like the corpse was leaned back against the seat where he could’ve been mistaken for sleeping. Nope. Homeboy overdosed and died with his body straight slumped over the steering wheel. Can you imagine?

BLANK STARE

Bish, I know all you do for 8 hours is ride around in a little go-cart and bring misery to drivers. But forreal, forreal aren’t you a trained POLICE OFFICER? How you leave a ticket on the windshield and don’t even bother to make sure the car is unattended? Shouldn’t you of all people be AWARE of your surroundings at all times? How you busy telling me, if you see something say something but your oblivious ass ain’t notice a damn CORPSE??

And all fun and games aside, what if dude had been a victim of a violent crime and the perpetrator was still in the area looking for the next victim?? But no. Miss Thang was so busy trying to get back to that ice latte she probably left in the car, she completely missed the actual opportunity to PROTECT & SERVE our community.

Waste of my damn taxes dollars.

at least antoine is getting paid…

By Mitzi on September 7, 2010 in end of days, pocket full of dirty tissue, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, tapped out, the internet is the devil

Well lookey here- The ‘Bed Intruder Song’ (the tomfoolery based on Antoine Dobson’s hood ass interview after his sister was attacked in her bedroom that was cobbled together by a quartet of white musicians from Brooklyn) just hit the Billboard Hot 100 chart. Mind you, the track has sold more than 91,000 copies on iTunes and was at no. 39 on the iTunes chart last week.

Yo. Not to be funny but did Usher’s new single featuring Jay-Z even sell that much?

And wait on it… When asked by the NYT the reason for the viral video’s crossover success, one of the creators explained, “The bar is getting lower for creative artists to break into the mainstream.”

Mmm-hmm, just. like. that.

*makes the sign of the cross and pours out a lil’ licca for the careers of Ciara, Maya, Ameriee, Mario, Lloyd, & all the rest of the 1-name wonder wannbes.*

u get no points for originality…

By Mitzi on August 17, 2010 in end of days, it takes a village, it's not a game out there, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out

So eer-um yeah, about the unemployed, single mother of three in South Carolina who just confessed to suffocating her two sons to death with her bare hands because she was stressed out, dead ass broke and felt overwhelmed? PAUSE. Oh and my fave part? That the 500-lb beauty queen tried to cover-up the murders by recycling a new version that crazy white woman, Susan Smith’s story about losing control of the car and it (along w the babies) would up at the bottom a nearby lake…. ‘Cept I guess she decided to skip the part about the carjackers, huh?

SIGH.

Um Precious…. kids are not kittens. You don’t bag ‘em up and toss them in the lake when the litter gets to be too much. You just don’t. Dummy.

I swear, I have Z-E-R-O sympathy for women that CHOOSE to have a whole gang of kids and when ‘ish hits the fan- they suddenly can’t cope. At All. Newsflash: being a parent is so much more than sperm meeting egg in your uterus. I don’t care what the Bible tells you, if your life is a shit show to begin with, don’t bring another helpless dependent into nonsense.

*looks directly at the pro-life zealots protesting outside of abortion clinics around the country*

Again, it’s craziness like this that should serve as a wake-up call to Republicans and conservatives who want to restrict access to birth control. Cause if didn’t nobody else figure it out; trust me, the good Lord himself knew that this woman didn’t have any business having THREE children. Raising them by her damn self. In poor ass South Carolina.

Geesh.

yo, where are his clothes…

By Mitzi on July 20, 2010 in end of days, i die, it's in the genes, made for the maury show, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Oh. My. GOD. This video is so many things, and every last one a damn shame.

Real talk? Can’t nobody tell me that YouTube wasn’t created by the devil explicitly to drive people to commit social suicide. The. End.

“Can I be the one that hold you dooooown? Can I be the one that hold you doooown? “

Err-um 50 Tyson, wherever your mumble mouth ass is “uptown in Minnesota,” puh-lease stop the madness. Not now but RIGHT now. Sounding like a cross between an severely injured basset hound and a freshly paroled rapist on the prowl… Dude, neither this nor any of the SEVENTEEN other videos you got posted are the business.

Oh and just so you know, I blame the ENTIRE Republican party for this shit right here.

Mmm-hmm… Had they voted to extend jobless aid, this fool could’ve paid somebody to give him a shirt and clue. But no. Instead of looking for a job that requires the intelligence of a 1st grader, this neanderthal is spending his days trolling through the woods, looking like a mentally challenged serial killer, screeching made-up songs and threatening radio station djs.

(And all foolishness aside, this is the kind of illiterate nonsense that those crazy ass TeaBaggers play at their recruitment rallies to get hype. SMH. We have got to do better folks.)

*drops to my knees and prays*

lifetime supply of condoms, birth control & nicotine gum please…

By Mitzi on June 9, 2010 in end of days, it takes a village, tapped out

OMG, today’s video just broke my heart.

Like seriously, how do we live in a world where a grown ass man thinks turning his 18-month year old son onto cigarettes is not a big deal- ’cause the kid still looks healthy to him. Meanwhile, the wackass mother insists there is there’s nothing she can do about the now 2 year-old’s 40 cigarettes-a-day habit. SMH.

But wait on it, why does baby Artie know EXACTLY what he’s doing!?! Talking about he will only smoke one brand. And if he can’t get his cigarettes he throws a tantrum and bangs his head against the wall. What the hell?

BLANK STARE as visions of backhands and multiple ass whoopings dance through my brain.

Right.

And not to be funny but… who’s paying for all them damn cigarettes? ‘Cause last time according to the article in the NY Post, the father is a fishmonger (READ: glorified fisherman) and all ya’ll are living in a damn hut somewhere out in rural Indonesia.

FAIL.

How’s this for an idea? Instead of kicking out for Artie’s cancer sticks maybe, just MAYBE they should slap a nicotine patch on his back and try using that money towards some t-shirts that fit the lil’ fatty.

No offense.

long way from the drummond’s crib…

By Mitzi on June 8, 2010 in going to hell in a handbasket, made for the maury show, tapped out, work it white girl

WOWOW… so Gary Coleman’s scary snaggletoothed ex-wife done sold photos of the man on his death bed to The Globe tabloid ???

PAUSE

Real talk? I’m actually at a loss. I don’t even know what to say to that… Who does that???

CONTEMPLATIVE SILENCE

And not for nothing, here my dumbass was trying to give that maniacal lookin’ bish the benefit of the doubt since we all know Gary used to whoop that ass coming and going. Okay? But crazy is crazy…

I mean, first it was the call to 911 where she straight up tells the emergency services operator that she absolutely will not go help resuscitate Gary because “there’s blood everywhere and its just too much.” Then come to find out, homegirl wasn’t even married to the little man no more. Next, she’s all up on TV denying rumors of involvement before folks even had the presence of mind to start talking? And now, she’s fighting the family over burial rights!

DEAD FISH EYES

Lord… Jesus be the next Lifetime movie of the week.

i hate his striped t-shit…

By Mitzi on June 7, 2010 in made for the maury show, tapped out, too old for the road

Well alrighty then… It seems that Gawker has allegedly identified the latest ‘hot new dance craze’ called Surra de Banda. Mmm-hmmm. Now under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t pay a mainstream blog like Gawker much atention when it comes to pinpointing a hot new anything that relates to people of color but as soon as I read that it’s a Brazilian dance and even better, the name translates to “ass licking” I was all in.

Don’t judge me dammit.

Anyoo in the interest of time, I’m going to skip over the back alley black sheet/backdrop, the purposeless pleather belt hanging idly around homegirl’s waist, the intriguing jiggly movements her saddlebags were doing all on their own and the fact that any actual dancing she attempted sucked. Because honestly, this post is bigger than this rhythmless fashion challenged child.

Instead, I’m gonna focus on one simple concern:

What kind self respecting man is going to willingly sit down and allow any woman to SMASH his complete face into her ass??

BLANK STARE w 3 LOOOONG BLINKS

And I mean to say, homegirl is jerking the HELL out of dude and clearly giving him all kinds of unexplainable shoe burn on the side of his neck. And still, he’s just as calm and smiling… looking like a straight nutjob.

No offense.

Please believe, every time homeboy’s nose disappeared between her cheeks I literally gagged. I mean I’m all for some occasional aggressive foreplay between consenting adults but what if she mistakenly farted or some such nonsense???

*pinches nose and backflips into a bedazzled Walmart casket*

stolen scene from stand by me…

By Mitzi on May 26, 2010 in end of days, i die, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out

OMG, as if yesterday’s bus driver and spit situation wasn’t enough to make me wanna dry heave, then I clicked on ESPN.com and read about the 21 year-old freak from New Jersey who just got sentenced for VOMITING on a off-duty police officer and his 11 year-old daughter at a Phillies game back in April.

*back-flips in an open casket*

According to various reports, this fat, nasty mo-f’ker and his homeboy decided to get drunk beyond belief at the baseball game. Then Dumb and Dumber started needlessly harassing the people sitting in front of them. Unfortunately, those people just so happened to be Easton, PA Police Captain Michael Vangelo and his two daughters, aged 15 and 11.

So anyhoo, after a couple of innings of cussing, spilling beer and all around ridiculous behavior, the 15 year-old turned around and asked the two to stop. Well don’t you know, in response Clemmen’s buddy decided to spit on her???

*flatline*

But wait on it… In what can only be described as an epic show of restraint, the cop did NOT kick homeboy’s ass. BLANK STARE. No, instead he calmly went and got an park usher and had Clemmen’s buddy booted from the stadium. (Yeah, I don’t know those type of good samaritans either).

So in retaliation, this worthless bottom feeder starts yelling about how he’s gonna be sick, sicks not one but TWO fingers down his throat and BARFED on the cop and his 11 year-old daughter. Then starts starts throwing mad sucker punches at the cop.

*raises from the dead to kill myself again*

BUT WAIT ON IT… so another off duty-cop intervenes, breaks up the fight and restrains Clemmens until the actual Philly police arrived. At which point, this failed abortion (yeah, I said it) straight UP-CHUCKED on another cop.

*seals the bedazzled Walmart casket with super strength Elmer’s Glue*

PS. the ONLY encouraging thing that I can report about as it relates to this entire story is that is you look really, really closely at the tiny mugshot I was able to find, dude has a crazy black eye. Here’s hoping there was more of that to come after they took the mugshot.

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