Mitzi Moments

Category: tapped out

dialing now…

By on May 14, 2010 in it takes a village, it's not a game out there, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Is it me or does it seem like every third woman you see on the street is knocked up? I mean, I know that sex is one of the few things that you can still get for free nowadays but still… it’s becoming a little nutso w the morning sickness mafia. Blank Stare. But at least the five knocked-up people I know are certain to be good parents.


Which is clearly more than anymore than anyone could’ve said for wackass Jessica Bruce who despite being 6 months pregnant decided to engage in a high-speed car chase with the cops on Wednesday night.

*cue the tragedy theme music*

Apparently, the 21 year-old refused to stop her car when the po-po tried to pull her over for speeding. Allegedly, she was drunk. But bigger than drinking and driving while pregnant, in the Georgia woman’s haste to get away; she crashed into one car, spun into oncoming traffic, was hit by another car, totaled her ride and ultimately had to be cut from the wreckage of her car. Her baby died.

Charges of feticide are pending.

Time to call E-Boogie and thank her being such an amazing mother.

to the beat of the drum…

By on April 30, 2010 in end of days, it's in the genes, tapped out

Okay, see my boy RS told me about this craziness when it was first reported on Bossip. But it just so happened to be the same day as the whole Sandra Bullock loves the kids/ Oklahoma hates women/ white folks are importing serial killers from Russia stories popped off. And quite honestly, so I had reached my limit on tomfoolery for a single 24 hour period.


But now that CNN done broke it down in a video… I can sorta put it into words.

Basically- last Saturday night, this dude in Florida chopped off his mother’s head, put it in a bag, walked around the corner tossed it in a lot. Then woke up his demented ass up the next day and went to play the drums at church? The early service? And the neighbors describe him as a quiet, nice guy who loved God and his mama?

BLANK STARE

And then you wonder why the majority of my friends and I give overzealous, super-sanctified church folks a WIDE ass berth??? Man listen, all that Jesus talk and Bible beating then next thing you know, it’s off with your head. I. Can’t.

I sure hope dude who told me that his friends wouldn’t consider dating me b/c I don’t subscribe to the same faith got wind of this story. ‘Cause it seems to me, that they would want to be a whole lot less worried about my soul and a little more concerned with the state of mind of some of their fellow congregation members. I’m just saying.

*drops the mic and walks away*

its all about balance…

By on April 28, 2010 in desperate cry for help, end of days, it takes a village, tapped out, team obama, that sense of entitlement

Basic Hometraining Rule 101: Before you say something negative, it’s important to lead with a positive.


So let’s start the day by giving Sandra Bullock a HUGE shout out. Adoption, Oscar and Divorcing lame ass Jesse James? Homegirl is taking no shorts in 2010. Sure hope Elin is taking notes. And best of all, how serious is baby Louis’s side-eye game? Like,what? Straight out the N.O grilling the paparazzi like a rock star.

I am also L-O-V-ing the fact that not only will President Obama will be delivering the eulogy at Dorothy Height’s funeral tomorrow but he also ordered the American flags at the White House and upon all public buildings and grounds, at all military posts and naval stations, and on all naval vessels of the Federal Government in the District of Columbia and throughout the United States and its Territories and all possessions to be flown at half-staff on the day as well, “as a mark of respect for the memory.”

Take that, Take that.

Yes, I’m really glad that I had such encouraging and happy news to help balance out the craziness that is jumping off in mid-west right now: As if Arizona wasn’t enough, apparently despite two vetoes by the State’s governor, the Oklahoma Legislature has voted two new and even more restrictive abortion measures into law. One of which requires women to undergo an ultrasound and listen to a detailed description of the fetus before getting and abortion AND the other prevents women who have had a disabled baby from suing a doctor for withholding information about birth defects while the child was in the womb.

DEAD SILENCE

But wait on it, the new laws are way detailed. Like the first law, requires that the doctor or technician set up the monitor so that woman can see it and describe the heart, limbs and organs of the fetus. No exceptions are made for rape and incest victims. Okay real talk, how sick is that for someone to have to sit through the description of a fetus? Although, I’m not really sure what the hell they’re going to be describing since its just a mass of tissue and nerve stems for the first six weeks (which is when most women schedule the procedure). So perhaps they’ll just be making it up as they go along… You know kinda like the Teabagggers and the Birthers.

Seriously? All fun and jokes aside, what country are we living in right now? Is this a freaking extremist Muslim country where women’s reproductive rights are up for debate amongst a bunch of MEN?? I’m so confused.

So when there is a sudden rise in the number of abused and abandoned babies on Oklahoma, what then? Are these same lawmakers going to sign up to start taking them in? Cause clearly the whole overseas adoption movement is going to hell in a handbasket. Exhibit A: the couple in Virginia Beach who are now suing the nation’s largest adoption agency for sending them another little blond-haired psycho from Russia. Mm-hmm…

Apparently, lil Roman started out as a vision of normalcy. But over the course of six years, he has threatened his the couple’s 5-year old biological daughter with a steak knife and a two-by-four as well as held her underwater in a pool. Oh and did I mention the multiple therapeutic programs that have ejected the future serial killer for kicking, biting, hitting and most recently, on his 8th birthday, pulling out three of his teeth using a pen cap, fork or spoon?

*crickets*

Oh and NOW that the lawsuits are flying, the caseworker finally acknowledges that when she had said the doctor visited orphanages to “see the children” and review pictures, videos and medical information that did not necessarily mean that the doctor had actually examined. Matter of fact, in deposition, the same doctor said he had not practiced medicine for years and was a facilitator for the agency, not a medical screener. Word?

Feel free to throw up as I donate my ENTIRE life savings to Planned Parenthood.

ain’t nothing sexy ’bout this…

By on April 22, 2010 in cuteness kills, end of days, going to hell in a handbasket, it's not a game out there, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Gotta be honest, when I first saw the headlines about Naomi Campbell’s most recent attack my knee jerk reaction was to yawn. Like, so what? Another day, another backhand. It’s freaking Naomi Campbell for God’s sake. She’s probably just off her meds or some such nonsense.


But thanks to the wonders of insomnia, I find myself with the time and energy to find out who caught a bad one. And I gotta say…I’m kinda disgusted with Na-Na for this.

Apparently she slapped a camera out of the hands of the guy who was filming her for ABC News. The reason? The interviewer confronted her about her involvement with the war crimes trial of former Liberian strongman Charles Taylor.

For those who aren’t familiar with Taylor, he is the former President of Liberia and the mastermind behind a civil war that ultimately led to an ethnic conflict of EPIC portions. In addition to embezzlement, this maniac has been accused of the widespread conscription of children as soldiers, assisting rebel forces in Sierra Leone with weapon sales in exchange for blood diamonds, and ordering acts of atrocities against civilians that have left many thousands dead or mutilated, with unknown numbers of people abducted and tortured.

READ: This negro is the mother f’kin’ SPAWN OF SATAN.

But back to Naomi- It looks like back in the day when C.T was the President of Liberia; him, Naomi and her homegirl Mia Farrow were invited to vacay w Nelson Mandela. While there, it’s alleged that dude gave Naomi some ridiculously huge diamond as a token of his affection. Must be nice, huh?

As luck would have it, because of its unique size this particular stone is one of the few with a history that can be traced directly back to the conflict in Sierra Leone and the illegal slave trade. And in essence, send this psycho to jail for life.

But wait on it… ya favorite diva is refusing to testify. Uh-huh, talking about, Mia is a liar (b/c Mia is testifying that Ms. Campbell bragged about the gift at breakfast the morning after), she never received the diamond and further more she’s not going to speak about it. The End. And oh yeah, BAM. She smacked the camera to the floor.

*crickets*

Now, I really, really want to give Na-Na the benefit of the doubt on this and say that she never received any such gift. Cause it’s one this to be a raging, bi-polar, glamazon bitch who truly believes she’s so fabulous she’s above the law. But it’s another thing to aide and abeit a dude that co-signed on training babies to be killers and chopping folks hands off with machetes. So God forbid, if that skinny heifer is just lying to keep in good graces with that uber rich and powerful clique that she runs with…

BLANK STARE

proper use of the word slut…

By on April 9, 2010 in desperate cry for help, keep hope alive, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Well surprise, surprise, somehow my upstanding behind didn’t get selected for the month-long criminal case involving wire taps, cocaine, ecstacy and 2 Puerto Rican from the Dykeman Projects in the Bronx. BLANK STARE

Gee, I wonder if it had something to do with the judge’s question: do you know anyone that’s been convicted of a crime?

Anyhoo, while I’m holed up here on 100 Centre Street waiting for my last day of service to end, it looks like the state of marriage continues to rapidly deteriorate. Not only did lameass Tiki Barber leave his pregnant wife of 11 years for an intern but it seems Garcelle Beauvais-Nillion’s husband has also been outted for his five year affair. So how many celebrity husbands are in the shit house behind women probabaly not worth the gum on the bottom of my shoe: Steve Phillips, Tiger Woods, Shaq, Jesse James, Tiki Barber… Nice, very nice.

Keep it classy ya’ll.

But not for nothing, there’s been such a varied response to the cheating by all the wives. Don’t ya think? Let’s see, Steve Phillips wife sued him and homegirl, Elin chased Tiger’s ass with a golf club, Shawnee snatched kids and went to LA, Sandra straight disappeared, Giny Barber immediately started crying to the press and good ‘ole Garcelle… Well Ms. Thang sent a damn email to the ENTIRE talent agency where her husband works. Mmm-hmm, talking about:
“I found out today that MY husband of almost 9 yrs has been having an affair for 5 yrs with some slut in Chicago. I am devastated!!!! And I have been duped!! Our boys don’t deserve this!”

JUST LIKE THAT.

I gotta say, it’s been a bad run for unfaithful men over the past 7 months. And sure, I’d like to be optimistic about the situation. Cause you know, not everyone has to put his hand on the fire to figure out that it burns. But it’s just… I mean honestly? Interns, waitresses, low budget internet porn stars, party promoters and your homeboy’s fiancee? It’s a lot. Le sigh.

Jesus be the secret bank account in your mama’s maiden name.

go away…

By on March 31, 2010 in desperate cry for help, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out

So I just heard about the upcoming Vanity Fair feature story on the alledged mistresses of Tiger Woods….

CRICKETS

Yeah… Gotta be honest, not so sure this is a good look for VF. I’m just saying. It just feels way more than like an US Weekly exclusive than a full-length feature for such a great magazine. And not for nothing, I simply don’t want to hear anything else from a these trashy low-budget hookers.

Like when are their 15 minutes EVER going to be up??

It’s not like I’m suddenly going to feel badly for any of them. To the contrary, it only increases my disdain. For example, all of the women are chiming in on Tiger’s cheapness. One says, “All he ever bought me was a Subway sandwich,” another gripes that he flew her around in coach and the best is the one who he brought to his crib but never let her into the master bedroom.

BLANK STARE

Man, listen, every single one of ya’ll are idiots. Every other week, Tiger Woods is included on a new and improved list of the wealthiest athletes on the PLANET. So if all you got outta that situation was sex in the garage and a sandwich, that’s your freaking fault.

The End.

everybody is not built to be a parent…

By on March 12, 2010 in end of days, it's not a game out there, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

So for the record, I am LOVING the new Lady Gaga video featuring Beyonce. Well done! If I ever decide to swing the other way, please believe it will be with that white woman. Homegirl is on a whole other level and I for one am not mad at all.

Speaking of hot music videos… Did ya’ll hear about the craziness with director of the Fugees’s killing Me Softly video? To quote my boy Special P, YOOOO!


DEAD FISH EYES

Talking about he was trying to create a pure bloodline because the world was coming to an end and it was just going to be him and his offspring inheriting the earth.

SILENCE

But wait on it- Dude wasn’t even attempting to be discreet about the crazy like those other pervs we’ve heard about recently. Nope, there were no children locked in a Brooklyn basement. This negro was brazenly running around calling his daughters his wives in PUBLIC. Like what, say something.

Matter of fact, he even told the woman that he was living with back in 2002, the whole story. This chick was a LAWYER at a top Manhattan firm. And she didn’t say a single WORD.

“He was this successful artist who had worked with the Fugees,” explains Subhana Rahim to The Daily News. “I was shocked when he told me that they were his daughters and that he’d been sleeping with them. I didn’t try to understand something so ridiculous.”

Okay… so at the time you refused to understand but eight years later you want to tell people about it? Really??

Can we all say, Educational FAIL.

I’ll tell you what, if ANYONE I know ever starts talking about sleeping with his own offspring, boyfriend, baby father, husband or not, I’m going to the po-po IMMEDIATELY. As in not now, but RIGHT NOW while wearing nothing but my pajamas and head scarf. And I don’t give a DAMN if you were just kidding.

I do NOT play those reindeer games.

My heart goes out to these kids. I pray that not only does this animal get thrown UNDER the jail for these crimes but that ALL the women who had knowledge and were complacent about the abuse, join him there as well.

*tosses holy water like I’m popping champagne*

you might wanna call your loved ones…

By on March 1, 2010 in end of days, it's not a game out there, tapped out

GANG STARR – TAKE IT PERSONAL from IrefutabilNews on Vimeo.

First there was the messy 2-day blizzard here in NYC, then a devastating earthquake in Chile, followed by a not-quite tsunami in Hawaii (how bizarre was it to almost witness a freaking natural disaster live on CNN?) and last but not least the recent Twitter reports that Guru from Gang Starr (one of my favorite hip hop groups of all time) suffered cardiac arrest last night and is now in a coma awaiting surgery. Dude was only 43 years old. Woah.


I feel like an elderly lady- my nerves are frazzled.

It’s time to pray… Or drink. Or something. ‘Cause this is a lot for one random weekend.

every little step…

By on February 17, 2010 in desperate cry for help, it's in the genes, it's not a game out there, Mitzi- all day every day, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, tapped out

BEFORE:

AFTER:

DAMN.

So the other night, I had a pizza and TV date with my homie, D. And for some unforeseen reason we ended up watching the new episode in the latest season of VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club. Um, how can I put this nicely… Oh. My. God.

Bobby Brown? Tanisha from Bad Girls Club? Shar Jackson? K-Fed? Oh and puh-lease don’t get me started on Nicole Egbert, the lifeguard chick from Baywatch who used to run up and down the beach looking like that red flotation device she carried weighed more than her. Well just know, homegirl has turned into a straight up Kirstie Alley’s mini-me and wait on it.. the bish only weighs 130lbs! Who’s body falls apart at 130lbs?? No ma’am. FAIL.

*makes the sign of the cross and quickly thanks God for good genes*

And while we definitely got our laugh on at these fallen stars’ expense, I have to tell you… Secretly, my heart truly broke for Bobby. To see that bloated face all up close and personal?

Dude, Bobby used to be a SEX SYMBOL. Like forreal. From New Edition to his way too short lived solo career… that man was off da chain. And now look. Sigh. I can’t. Insisting that he’s clean and sober but still sucking down cans of Bud beer and glasses of straight vodka like a damn fish. And when that fat bottom lip got to twitching?

DEAD FISH EYES.

Needless to say, I will be sending up prayers- as I what? Tune in EV’RY damn week.

i see dirty people…

By on February 4, 2010 in desperate cry for help, i die, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, work it white girl

So as most folks know, I am totally obsessed with the A&E show, Hoarders- totally and completely.


My obsession is to the point where I’m seeing the signs of potential Hoarders EVERYWHERE- from the lady in the grocery line buying 100 cans of cat food to the extra-messy looking chick that keeps spilling old food wrappers, crumpled papers and empty bottles of water out of her bag on the subway car. I swear, if you look they are all over!

And while I’m sure some of you probably think I’m a itty bit nutso, I’m TELLING you, that freakin’ Lindsey Lohan is a damn hoarder!

Exhibit A: Just look at this photo of a room in her condo!

What in the unholy-nasty-white-trash-hell is going on? Who lives like this? Talking about, “I try not to go in there… It gives me anxiety being in here. The clutter takes up a lot of space mentally.” Err-um, really??

And this is the same worthless chick that they had the NERVE to pay to be the face of Ungaro? DEAD. Real talk, they might as well have asked the homeless lady that that lives at the end #1 Train subway platform at the 168th Street stop. No offense…

On an upnote, the shameless starlet is going to let The Insider come in and film a ‘De-cluttering Lindsey’ special about her situation that’s scheduled to air next week. So I’ll get to watch the whole shit show up close and personal.

I. Can. Not. WAIT!

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