Category: tagging out

In case I never have the opportunity to tell you again, cuteness kills.


Exhibit A: my screwed up right knee.

See what had happened was … Instead of scaling back on the daily run when my knee started to ache and swell weeks ago, I stupidly decided to keep going. Why you ask? Um, cause my hardheaded self decided that just once I wanted to hit my exact weight loss goal. Now my dumbass is limping around the crib until I get the results from this MRI test I’ve scheduled for next week. (And no, I still ain’t hit anywhere near the target weight.)

So because of said screwed up knee I am now only able to use the recumbent bike. (You know the one where all the old ladies sit down, ride and gossip?) DEAD FISH EYES. Mmm-hmm… Oh wait, you hear that? MWAH. That’s the sound of me kissing my weight loss goal good-bye. Sigh. I know, I know.

But at least while I’m stuck on the bikes with all the little fat ladies, I have an excuse to indulge in one of my fave guilty pleasures- Maury. PAUSE. Don’t judge me. Ya’ll know I live for the drama and craziness that is trash talk TV (Besides, nothing says pedal faster than the fat asses that appear on that show).

And don’t act like you’re not just AMAZED at the ignorance these people are so willing to display for the cost of a paternity test. My fave from this morning? “That baby has blue eyes. I’m Puerto Rican. We don’t have blue eyes.” Um sir, the child’s mother is an Irish red head.

ROFL ROFL ROFL

Yo, where do these people come from? How do they still exist in 2010?

Honestly, not sure I’ll ever have an answer for any of those questions. But I can tell you one thing- I damn sure know where they’ll be shopping for clothes the next time they get knocked up by Rakim (or is it really his best friend Raheem’s baby?).

Mmm-hmm, thanks to Forever 21’s new maternity line, Love21 all the underage and barely legal moms-to-be can now cop stylish maternity clothes at bargain basement prices.

Isn’t this great? Aren’t you relieved that a company that fervently donates to the conservative right and takes the time to print the phrase John 3:16 on the bottom of their shopping bags is now making sure that teenage moms have access fly gear?

Nice.

I know I’ll sleep better at night.

So I went to a party this past weekend and met the 16 year-old cousin of a friend. He’s about six feet, super adorable, sweet but obviously young and more important, obviously underage.


Turns out, homeboy is dating a 20 year-old college junior. And wait on it… she’s really cute.

PAUSE

Now you know, at first I was like WTF?? Why in the world would a junior in college (who could clearly date men her age AND older) want to date was a damn junior in HIGH SCHOOL? I don’t care how freakin’ cute he is… It made no sense. I was so confused.

But that was Saturday night, before I saw the above picture of Puff’s son Justin chilling at the pool.

*blank stare with 3 looong blinks*

And for a hot second, I remembered all the energy that excited 16 years-old boys inherently have… Um, yeah. Can you say instant clarity?

Now, I’m not saying it’s right or that I would EVER, EVER,EVER get down like that… at 34. But real talk, if 16 year-old boys had looked anywhere NEAR this developed back in the day, it might’ve been a different story.

*kanye shrug*

Charge it to the game.

So I just read the article in the NYT about the 51 bus drivers taking an average of THREE months paid leave after being SPIT on by an angry rider in 2009. And wait on it, in the past year, 80 drivers have already reported being spit on at some point by an angry rider.

SILENCE.

There are so many things wrong with that statement it’s hard for me to get started.

*Inhales deep, deep calming breath*

First of all, who SPITS on people? I don’t know if this became some sort of fad after the craziness of that dirty white girl hocking a fat ball of phlegm at fellow contestant ‘New York’ during season one of VH1’s Flavor of Love but I’ll tell you what…. This ain’t no damn reality TV. You can get AIDS, swine flu and all kinds of foolishness from contact with the wrong person’s saliva. Spitting on someone is beyond nasty, it’s life threatening.

If I was the bus driver, I would’ve taken that as a straight up attempt of my life, and wilded the hellout. Forget taking days off a work, I’m johnny-on-the-spot. I’m gonna do my damndest to shove that ‘ish right back down your throat. I’m just saying, don’t try me.

DEAD FISH EYES.

But on the other hand, unless that saliva started to burn the flesh off your body- there’s NO GOOD REASON anyone should require 3 months or in the case of one man, 191 days paid leave to recover from a spitting incident. Nope, not at all. You’re a New Yorker goddammit. Man up and pull yourself together.At the most take a couple of days, get all your blood tests done, relax your nerves and get back at it.

Cause in case you hadn’t heard, there’s already a freaking MTA budget shortfall to the tune of $400 million dollars.

Blank Stare W/ 3 Looooong Blinks.

Bottom line: I fell your pain. But if you’re that damn scarred, you need to go drive a taxi or snow truck or something. But for God’s sake, don’t bilk my already paying-through-the-nose, single-with-no-kids taxpaying self. Please and thanks.

*kanye shrug*

So err-um a yeah, about Venus’s outfit at the French Open… How can I put this nicely? No way, no ma’am, not even on a dare.


DEAD FISH EYES.

Although strategically, I can see how it worked to her advantage. Cause honestly, who in their right mind is not going to be completely thrown off when her tall lanky self pranced unto the court in some trashy.com super sale lingerie? And then the first time the wind blew and it seemed as if she was completely naked underneath? GAME OVER. If I was that poor girl, I’d need more than a minute to get my mind behind some mess like that.

And while I’m all for doing what you have to do to get the win, at the end of the day it still grossed me out. Aside from the fact that I absolutely hate black and red as a lingerie color combo, the entire outfit just looks inappropriate. You weren’t home playing a random game of pick-up in our pjs with your homegirl. This was one of the biggest tournaments of the season.

You can’t tell me that she’s not starting to resent how much of a media darling Serena has suddenly become now that she’s dating Common. And I get it. It’s gotta be miserable being the sibling that genetics fairies forgot to drop a lil booty on. So you decide to do something to get folks’ tongues wagging about you too. But still, this is nuts.

Um hello. Venus Williams you’re the #2 ranked tennis player in the world and THIS is what you wanna do? Uh-uh.

Survey says LAME.

So yeah, about that ridiculous City of Detroit SWAT team debacle that left the innocent 7 year-old girl, Aiyana Jones dead is beyond my comprehension this morning. The End.


This is the type of unnecessary tragedy that makes me physically ill. Like, I want to get back in the bad and stage a do-over on my entire life. Cause it makes it makes absolutely no sense. How can anyone honestly believe that this is the land of the free when clearly our most vulnerable citizens are clearly living under siege??

To read that her father was face down in his own daughter’s blood breaks my heart while the actual culprit was in another part of the building?? ??And then blame the grandmother for this unconscionable decision to shoot into a smoky room where you KNOW there are children??

I. CAN’T.

And, not for nothing, what the HELL kind of incompetent people are certified for the lead position a SWAT team, but can’t subdue an elderly woman without shooting her? Huh? *insert serious side-eye*

I’m just curious.. Where they do that at?

Hmm. People have a lot of ideas on the way they want to be buried- in their favorite outfit, with their signature glove, face down so the world can kiss their a**…. the list goes on. But one thing that’s pretty consistent, is that all of these personal decisions involve a casket. You know as in a body INSIDE the casket. Um, guess 22 year-old David Morales Colon’s family didn’t get that memo.


Apparently, they decided to bypass the casket and post their son’s body up on his favorite motorcycle. So that he’ll be happily riding for eternity.

BLANK STARE

It’s too early in the morning for this. No, I take that back. There’s NEVER a good time for this. The End.

So Obama is in New York City this afternoon, popping off the warning shots at Wall Street bankers and financial industry lobbyists. Interesting. I’ll be curious to see how this one goes over. Although quietly, what I’m really wondering is how many of the execs at Goldman Sachs simply decided to take the day off to avoid the ridiculous amount of gridlock that’s about to shut down lower Manhattan. Since it’s so nice out and they’ve still got those ginormous bonuses to burn anyway… I’m just saying.


DEAD

And not for nothing, I can’t tell you the last time I watched an episode of South Park. To be honest, white frat boy humor has never really been my cup of tea or should I say bottle of beer. But there;s something kind of unsettling about the fact that an episode of a freaking cartoon can cause a terrorist group to issue death threats like they were coupons for Macy’s weekly 1-day sale.

*blank stare with 3 long blinks*

Dear Lord, I’m trying to be a better person in 20100 but there are moments I tell ya… There are moments.

Money can really bring out the worst in people… especially folks like Douglas Spink.


When times got bad for this former 90s venture capitalist and admitted adrenaline junkie he was like what the hell, I think I’ll become a drug kingpin. And don’t you know dude basically started transporting millions of dollars worth of coke and marijuana back and forth across the Canadian border.

CRICKETS

And when that 2nd career choice didn’t exactly pan out (he was arrested back in 2005, then quickly snitched his way into a lenient 3 year sentence. So much for the code of silence, huh?), dude said fuckkit, guess I’ll just start a bestiality farm.

DEAD FISH EYES

Uh-huh, you read that correctly.


Business was so crazy, when the investigators raided the hideout they seized THOUSANDS of images/ videos of folks having sex with the animals. ‘But wait on it… one of the videos featured a man having sex with a dog. And don’t you know that same man was at the farm the day of the raid? Wearing the same outfit that he had on in the flick????

I swear, I couldn’t make it up if I wanted to.

Now here’s my only question… Where the hell is PETA and all those crazy folks that were calling for Michael Vick’s head NOW? How come they aren’t rallying around the jailhouse in Washington demanding that this man be sent to the electric chair behind this craziness? Say what you want but I’m willing to bet that grown men weren’t shoving mice up each other’s asses ANYWHERE on Michael Vick’s property.

The End.

Well all righty then.


So I just finished reading the related articles about the Georgia DA’s decision not to pursue sexual assault charges against Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Hmm… Although I’m gonna assume that dude is innocent of these charges- especially since the alleged victim refuses to press criminal charges- I’m just so confused as to why in the WORLD would this man put himself in this position any DAMN way??? Following the random drunk chick into a Georgia bar bathroom? Really Ben???


DEAD FISH EYES

Professional athletes are a special brood I tell you….

Well lookey here, something else kinda controversial that happened while I was busy celebrating the Health Care Bill (that could potentially be no more thanks to the fabulous US Senate):


Tyler Perry finally announced the cast to the upcoming feature adaptation of Ntozake Shange’s famous choreopoem “For Colored Girls Who Have Considered have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf.”

Or rather, I should say a partial list. Because although there are only seven nameless women in the original work that we’ve all come to know and love, Mr. Perry has stated that there will be FIFTEEN roles in the film.

*DEAD FISH EYES*


Anyhoo, here it is:
- Whoopi Goldberg, Phylicia Rahsad, Jurnee Smollett, Kimberly Elise, Kerry Washington, Janet Jackson, Mariah Carey, and Macy Gray

*crickets*

Yeah… I was rocking with him right up until Janet. After that, no. Not so much. But hey, I love a surprise and believe in prayer. So you never know, maybe Macy will surprise us all….

*whips out rosary and gets to mumblin’ my Hail Marys”

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