Mitzi Moments

Category: made for the maury show

my money is on the back-hand…

By on October 13, 2010 in end of days, going to hell in a handbasket, it takes a village, made for the maury show, tagging out, too old for the road, why we as a people can't get ahead

Okay, so you know I’m like totally obsessed with this whole Chilean miner rescue situation, right?


Cause the lord knows that I can barely make it through twenty minutes in an MRI machine without having a claustrophobia induced panic attack, let alone 69 freaking days in a dark hole with no bathroom.

DEAD FISH EYES

Oh and, thanks to my Twitter fam @looseneck I’m really, really on pins and needles waiting on the rescue of the trifling miner who’s wife discovered his affair when she met his mistress of several YEARS at a vigil by the collapsed mine. Talking about, “she heard another woman calling out his name.”

BLANK STARE

I mean, can you even believe the audacity of this bish? Not only is she in an international forum laying claims to a married man but then she got the nerve to be out there carrying on and screaming louder than his damn wife?

When I tell you, 2010 is the year of the jump off?

And wait on it, here’s the BEST part: Apparently neither woman is backing down. Both the wife and the mistress have publicly vowed to remain on site and wait for him to be brought to the surface. And then he’ll have to choose. On international television.

*faints, regains consciousness and reaches for the popcorn*

Mark my words, SOMEBODY is getting their face smacked in on CNN before this is over.

got my fireproof panties on…

By on October 8, 2010 in end of days, it takes a village, made for the maury show, why we as a people can't get ahead

Slow Friday for the sensational news… that is unless you count lame ass Chingy trying to refute the SECOND set of claims that he’s knowingly had sex with a transsexual. Exactly.


Personally, I’m already too tapped out from the three hours I just spent on the phone with New York State Government trying to correct a commuter tax payment error (their fault as usual) to even bother to comment. Negro if you like girls w boy parts, that’s your business. Stop apologizing for who you are.
BLANK STARE

Hopefully, things will pick up over the weekend. Or not. Nothing wrong with a nice quiet weekend every once in a while…

In the meantime, feel free to get a little laugh out of this photo. Cause you know I did.

two times is the blessed charm…

By on October 4, 2010 in going to hell in a handbasket, keep hope alive, made for the maury show, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Sometimes there’s just so much craziness going on in the world that I have no choice but to block the most sensational sounding stories out.


Hence, why it took 5 days for me to actually bother to read the details on Jesse Shipley, the kid from Staten Island that died in a car crash & for whatever reason, after already determining cause of death; the coroner decided to keep his brain in the office while returning the body to the family for burial.

BLANK STARE w 3 LOOONG BLINKS

Mind you, no one would’ve ever been the wiser except kids from the dead boy’s school just so happened to have a field trip to said coroner’s office. And the genius examiner had Jesse’s brain in a clear jar with his damn name labeled on it out for display.

Yeah, you read that correctly. As in for show n’ tell.

Oh but forget about the traumatized kids who saw their friend’s brain in a jar and the family who realized that they had buried their child without a brain. The best part? Now the family’s priest who refused to consider it a “proper burial” without the brain intact. So the parents had to dig up the body, put the brain inside the carcass and RE-bury their child.

Now, when I tell ya’ll we’re living through the end of days…

*starts tossing holy water like I’m popping champagne*

and kiss my ass puh-lease…

By on October 1, 2010 in going to hell in a handbasket, i die, made for the maury show, never too grown

My goodness, rainy Fridays are a drag. I thank God everyday for the ignorance that is YouTube. Without it, I just don’t know how I’d ever make it thru. Okay?


Now I first heard about the According to “ME” Cadillac Kimberly vlog series immediately after the Eddie Long scandal broke. But it wasn’t until I saw THIS video (thank you Michael) that I truly became a fan. Yes, the topic may be a bit old (Fantasia & T.I’s re-arrest) but homegirl’s hilarity is still fresh to death.

Enjoy.

look at eddie’s white play cousin…

By on September 29, 2010 in desperate cry for help, made for the maury show, Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue, too old for the road, why we as a people can't get ahead

Initially, I thought today’s post was going to be about Eddie Long’s 3rd accuser giving his first televised interview. Mm-hmm… *starts to hum & sway*

But then, I saw this story about Andrew Shirvell. And oh.my. GOD.

For six months, this grown ass white man in Ann Arbor, Michigan has basically waged a HATE campaign against the University of Michigan Student Body Assembly President Chris Armstrong (emphasis on student) because he’s gay.

BLANK STARE.

And when I say campaign, in addition to physically protesting outside of this poor COLLEGE STUDENT’s apartment, Shirvell created a website dedicated to “exposing” this child as, ‘a radical homosexual, racist, elitist, & liar.’ Talking about, “Armstrong has gone back on a campaign promise he made to minority students; engaging in “flagrant sexual promiscuity” with another male member of the student government; sexually seducing and influencing “a previously conservative [male] student” so much so that the student, according to Shirvell, “morphed into a proponent of the radical homosexual agenda”; hosting a gay orgy in his dorm room in October 2009; and trying to recruit incoming first-year students “to join the homosexual ‘lifestyle.”‘

But wait on it, in addition to his frequent vitriol filled updates he also posted pictures of Armstrong with obscenities written over them a la Perez Hilton and wait on it- swastika superimposed over a gay pride flag, with an arrow pointing toward Armstrong.

Um, where they do that at??

Mind you, this lunatic is an Assistant Attorney General for the State of Michigan. So it’s not like he just graduated from college last semester and that’s why he still feels vested in the on campus politics. No. He BEEN out of college! He’s grown as hell picking a fight with a damn CHILD.

And then, the video? With him looking and sounding like a whiny, hatin’ ass, repressed homosexual???

No sir. I. Will. Not.

*immediately cues Willow Smith*

burning my eyes…

By on September 23, 2010 in end of days, keep hope alive, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

So yeah, not sure about you but personally I’m not really trying to go see The Social Network in theaters. Not saying it’s not interesting enough to add it to the queue when it hits Netflix but as for shelling out my hard earned $12.50 to see a movie that’s just prob to make me feel like I haven’t done ‘ish with my entire life- err-um, no thank you.


Howsomever, I do think that it’s pretty fantastic that Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is donating $100 million dollars to the Newark public school system. Yep, pretty fantastic and right on time. Cause I for damn sure needed something EXTRA SPECTACULAR to help my mind recover from the leaked cellphone pics of Eddie Long posing in his bathroom like Demi Moore wearing head-to-toe shiny black spandex and a Kangol.

BLANK STARE.

The Lord be coming through all day every day, I tell ya.

let the bonfire begin…

By on September 22, 2010 in end of days, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

They say, a single look is worth more than a thousand words.


Mm-hmm… So, I’m thinking Sasha’s Obama’s laser beam side-eye at the paparazzi as the First Family walked back to the White House from church after this past Sunday morning service pretty much sums up how I’m feeling about greasy ass Pastor Eddie Long.

Cause here’s the thing: How are you going to be “one of the most virulently homophobic black leaders in the religiously based anti-gay movement” and then get caught up in some ish like coercing young male Church members to masturbate you??

HUH, Eddie??

For those who are unfamiliar, Eddie Long is the same ignorant fool who actively campaigned (and essentially convinced THOUSANDS of the poor Southern people that are members of his megachurch to vote) for George W. Bush’s re-election in 2004. Why he do that, you ask? Because according to this psychopath, John Kerry’s willingness to even CONSIDER giving gays the right to get married was more detrimental to the future of our country than the PROVEN facts that George Bush blatantly lied about the war, was robbing citizens of basic rights and sending our economy into the shitter.

I can’t.

But back to those old adages… Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. And I for one cannot WAIT to see this hateful S.O.B burn.

the face of self-hate…

By on September 17, 2010 in desperate cry for help, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out, that sense of entitlement, why we as a people can't get ahead, work it white girl

Lord… PUH-lease give me the strength.


So Bethany Storro, the woman in Vancouver, Washington who’s heart-wrenching story about having battery acid splashed on her own face by some random, crazed black woman was all over the national news this past week, finally admitted to throwing the disfiguring liquid on her own damn self.

BLANK STARE

Now folks talking about, “It’s so sad. No one understands why she did it.”

Um, how about this? I don’t CARE why she did it. At. All. That’s between her, the parents that didn’t love her enough and the therapist that clearly forgot to call in her prescription.

What I care about is how quickly she reached for the unidentified Black assailant card. Like really? Cause there’s that many Black women running around cold ass Washington state for her to choose that ethnicity for her attacker’s description? Bish, you’re exhausting. Eff you and the racist horse you rode in on.

I’m so thankful the police didn’t simply accept her story at face value and start rounding up Black women like it was the wild, wild West. Forreal.

And real talk, if the authorities don’t press charges for obstruction of justice, I for damn sure hope they throw her deranged, low self-esteem having ass in padded room until the end of days. Cause the world is crazy enough. We don’t need not another loony tune to be out and about with the rest of us.

whats a bite between friends…

By on September 8, 2010 in desperate cry for help, it takes a village, it's not a game out there, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget

Lord have mercy, ya’ll voyeuristic animal lovers are gonna learn to leave these wild animals alone I tell you.

First the tiger in the little Miami wildlife park and now, the lion at the MGM resort in Vegas done attacked and bit one of its trainers in the leg. And again, the whole thing is caught on camera by nosey onlookers

Experts talking about the trainer seemed to stiffen up when the lion looked at him. And in the wild, that’s a sign of aggression. So like a teenager, was simply trying to show his dominance.

BLANK STARE.

Um, I assume that this man is a trained profession, correct? (Hence why he was getting in the glass container with these cats to begin with.) So why wouldn’t he know not to “stiffen up” if that’s all it was? Uh-uh, sorry bruh. I don’t believe you. I think this lion-just like that tiger that jumped the 14-foot fence- was just tired of the shenanigans. The End.

Although quite honestly, my favorite part is the lioness jumping on the back of the lion like, “CHILL negro! You know how fickle these damn humans are. One minute you’re their main attraction and the next, they’re euthanizing that ass!!”‘

ROFL ROFL Yes, I’m an idiot….

But so are the folks that think it’s cute to keep a grown lion and lioness in a oversized fishbowl for tourists to ogle. So there.

dem bishes at sin city need to go sit down & take notes…

By on August 24, 2010 in end of days, i die, made for the maury show, tagging out

There are few things that render me COMPLETELY speechless. And by completely speechless, feel free to envision me sitting here with my mouth wide open, eyelids peeled back, straight dumbfounded. Mm-hmmm, that ugly kinda shock.


Well this video has officially done it.

And to be fair, I recognize that this is some sacred, ancient custom that according to my shaky bakey sources started somewhere near 12 A.D. Translation: it probably deserves a whole lot more respect than what I’m thinking but… oh well.

Yooooo, when the hairy, little fat man gets to doing his thing? And then the little boy proceeds to braid his own body all the way to the top of the pole?

*does a running swan dive in the shallow end of the pool*


Just so we’re clear. I have never in my ENTIRE life been even remotely sexually curious about the average Indian man. (Something about my sensitive sense of smell just wouldn’t even let me pretend to entertain the idea of getting that close.) But after watching this craziness, I just might have to reconsider. ‘Cause not for nothing, them little mo-f’kers are flexible as HELL.

BLANK STARE.

Oh and when you finally figure out how to pick your bottom lip up off the ground, feel free to thank G. Payton for this little gem.

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