Mitzi Moments

Category: made for the maury show

its all about choices…

By on August 24, 2010 in cuteness kills, made for the maury show, Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, why we as a people can't get ahead

Why lawd god, why????

Who in the hell told Fantasia she could get away with wearing a skin tight dress sans the proper undergarments? Like, in life? Let alone, for a nationally televised appearance on Good Morning America? I can’t. My eyes hurt from looking at this craziness.

Yes, I know that the super strength, full body slimmers can be kinda pricey. And yes, I understand that she was already two seconds off of dead-ass broke before racking up the new medical bills. But still…

I think I can comfortably say that the majority of us would much rather see Fanny repeat an outfit or two rather than look at pictures of her saggy boobs, side roll ripples and flabby belly hanging over the top of the generic low-rise Spanx (which for the record, should never be peeping out from under the dress, thanks).

There’s got to be a better way.

(And you know I’m trying to be a better person, because I’m not even gonna go in on the ridiculous sideburns, extra pale pink lip gloss that does nothing for her lips or how filthy the tattoos on her legs make her appear. Thank you very much.)

u get no points for originality…

By on August 17, 2010 in end of days, it takes a village, it's not a game out there, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out

So eer-um yeah, about the unemployed, single mother of three in South Carolina who just confessed to suffocating her two sons to death with her bare hands because she was stressed out, dead ass broke and felt overwhelmed? PAUSE. Oh and my fave part? That the 500-lb beauty queen tried to cover-up the murders by recycling a new version that crazy white woman, Susan Smith’s story about losing control of the car and it (along w the babies) would up at the bottom a nearby lake…. ‘Cept I guess she decided to skip the part about the carjackers, huh?

SIGH.

Um Precious…. kids are not kittens. You don’t bag ‘em up and toss them in the lake when the litter gets to be too much. You just don’t. Dummy.

I swear, I have Z-E-R-O sympathy for women that CHOOSE to have a whole gang of kids and when ‘ish hits the fan- they suddenly can’t cope. At All. Newsflash: being a parent is so much more than sperm meeting egg in your uterus. I don’t care what the Bible tells you, if your life is a shit show to begin with, don’t bring another helpless dependent into nonsense.

*looks directly at the pro-life zealots protesting outside of abortion clinics around the country*

Again, it’s craziness like this that should serve as a wake-up call to Republicans and conservatives who want to restrict access to birth control. Cause if didn’t nobody else figure it out; trust me, the good Lord himself knew that this woman didn’t have any business having THREE children. Raising them by her damn self. In poor ass South Carolina.

Geesh.

feel better fannie…

By on August 11, 2010 in end of days, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

Dang, I feel kinda bad for Tasia. I mean, just a little.From the winner of American Idol to hiding in a closet while trying to OD on an aspirin& sleeping pills cocktail? YIKES. That’s a looong, hard, humiliating fall.


And over what? a dude that when shit hits the fan, is no where to be found?

(Like seriously, I can get totally accept that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with a man that worked in a T-Mobile store and CLEARLY, planned to live off of whatever monies she had left after supporting every last member of her family. But what I cannot accept or remotely understand is why was it the diarrhea- mouth manager discovering her in the back of the closet? Where the hell was Mr. Cook?)

Aye mami, lo siento.

But what’s done is done, just ask Britney Spears. The important thing is to learn from the lessons that God gives us. So while you’re laying up in the padded room trying to figure out how Angelina & Alicia ended up with rings while your ass on Nancy Grace’s hit list, remember this: SILENCE & DISCRETION ARE GOLDEN.

READ: Enough with these ridiculous damn statements! You sound a mess and nobody believes a single word. The. End.

Wishing you a speedy recovery…

turning the other (ass) cheek…

By on August 9, 2010 in end of days, made for the maury show, work it white girl

Okay, this PRICELESS:


So for the past four years, there’s been this ongoing battle in Ohio between a local strip club and the Evangelical Church that moved into a nearby property.

According to the various news reports, since the New Beginnings Ministries set up shop they’ve been trying to run the strip club out of the neighborhood. Talking about, “this is a battle between good and evil…”

BLANK STARE

Good and evil? Huh? It’s a regular strip club featuring adult women, not some illegal underground child sex slave trading depot! Again, the strip club was there BEFORE the congregation moved in.
Anyhoo, in typical extremist fashion, they’ve resorted to lowbrow intimidation tactics. You know standing out front with blow horns, screaming at the patrons and women that work there, signs with bible verses on them and the protesters have even videotaped the license plates of the club’s customers to post on the internet.

So evidently, the strippers got finally sick of the Pastor,his followers and all their Bible busting sheenanigans cutting into the take home. And they decided to return the favor and freaking protest the Church!!

Mmm-hmm, this past Sunday a bunch of the working ladies got dolled up (or as dolled up as a low-budget Ohio stripper can be) in next to nothing and headed down to morning service with a few signs of their own.

HILARIOUS

PUH-lease go to DListed for the video. It’s fantastical. The righteous ass Pastor Bill, the skanky stripper and the poor woman holding her baby while she tries to run into Sunday service.

don’t talk about it, be about it…

By on August 9, 2010 in i die, made for the maury show, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, using our powers for good

So has anyone NOT heard about the JetBlue flight attendant from Queens that not only cussed out a passenger and quit his job over the plane’s intercom but then had the balls to jump out the emergency evacuation chute as the grand finale??


*nosedives into the shallow end of the pool*

For those who’ve been under a rock for the last 24 hours: According to CNN, the incident took place just after the flight landed at JFK and was still taxiing. Apparently, an unnamed passenger ignored the time honored ‘remain in your seats until we have arrived at the gate’ rule and stood to remove a bag from the overhead bin. And well, it seems that poor Steven Slater (the attendant in question) had finally reached his limitation with the foolishness. So he picked up the intercom and started hurling expletives at ALL the passengers. Then when the plane finally reaches the gate, dude was quoted as saying, “I’ve been doing this for ten years and I’m out of here!” He proceeds to grab some beer from the beverage cart, deploy the emergency slide and hop his happy ass off that mo-fo like, BYE, BYE BEE-YATACHES!

PAUSE.

You know I LOVE him, right?

Cause NO judgement but doesn’t he just LOOK like the kid we all grew up with that got picked on mercilessly his ENTIRE life? You know, the classmate for whom there was never a closet big enough to hold him and his fa-la-laing ways?? And then to make matters worse, he isn’t even the cutest. So if the girls were anything like I remember, they prob weren’t even willing to let him be their gay BFF. Sigh. SMH. So tragic.

But then, just when you’ve counted him out.. He tells the world TO KISS HIS ASS over the intercom!!!

I. DIE.

Like seriously, even if Steven serves all seven years in jail for criminal mischief, reckless endangerment and criminal trespass-which we know he won’t- that man just lived out the greatest fantasy of all flight attendants around the WORLD. He is a freaking LEGEND.

*raises an overflowing glass of champagne*

atlanta stand up…

By on August 9, 2010 in end of days, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

“When things go bad, people want to look good. When things are good, people want to look better.”


Err-um well alrighty then, I guess that’s all there is to that.

Now if someone, ANYONE could please explain what in the unholy- dredlocked-hairbug- hell is hanging from Big Bad D’s chin, life would be complete.

let this be a swift lesson…

By on August 5, 2010 in end of days, it ain't easy, it's not a game out there, made for the maury show, why we as a people can't get ahead

So from what I understand the senseless event in this video occured because homie was “trying to make a funny video for YouTube.” Um, make a funny video for Youtube? Like that’s an occupation now? SMDH. I can’t.

Ya’ll fools gonna learn to stop cooning for the camera…

congrats all around…

By on August 5, 2010 in desperate cry for help, end of days, i die, made for the maury show

There’s a lot to be happy about today:


The sun is shining.

The U.S. Court overturned California’s ridiculous same-sex marriage ban.

BP seems to have finally sealed the oil well in the Gulf.

Oh and none of us are 48 year-old, Jerry Douthett. And trust when I tell you that is this last reason is HUGE. Mmm-hmmm…

Because apparently, the Rockford, MI resident got soused off of 6 beers and several margaritas and promptly passed out. When Jerry finally woke from said drunken stupor, he discovered that the family’s pet Jack Russell Kiko, had completely gnawed off his rotten big toe.

“I woke up and the dog was laying alongside my foot, then I looked and blood was everywhere,” the drunk ass explains. “I ran to the bathroom and screamed for my wife Rosie to come. I went to the bathroom, rinsed it and it was gone.”

Let me repeat, IT WAS GONE.

*promptly throws up in mouth*

But wait on it… So although Kiko had eaten the big toe down to below the nail-line, the tests at the hospital revealed that an infection that Jerry had clearly been ignoring for some time would actually require a complete amputation of the toe. And here he go talking about, “In retrospect the incident explained a lot. It smelled, and I look back now and realize every time we’d visit someone with a dog, it would be sniffing all over my foot.”

Um, it smelled?

BLANK STARE

keepin’ up the crazy…

By on August 3, 2010 in desperate cry for help, end of days, honorary white woman, made for the maury show, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, why we as a people can't get ahead

Since it’s so late in the game I really, really didn’t think I should bother posting this video. But as many times as I watch this video, I just can’t get enough. And I figure if the Essence controversy can still be going on strong than shoot, I’m gonna get mine in too.

Now remember:

Hide ya kids, Hide ya wife and hide ya husband, cause they raping everybody out here!

*swan dives into the shallow end of the pool*

lookin more like the Bronx…

By on July 29, 2010 in end of days, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead



So I’m really starting to believe that ignorance is way too underrated. Mmm-hmm… There are just some things that I’m just never going to understand and clearly, better off never even knowing about.


Exhibit A: the seeming “normal” French couple that just so happened to have eight and counting newborns buried in their backyard garden?

BLANK STARE

EIGHT babies? Dude, how were they able to snatch EIGHT (probably more) babies and nobody noticed? Now I don’t have kids, so I could be wrong… Howsomever, if my newborn offspring suddenly went missing, I’d probably want to tell somebody. You know, like file a report with the police, do a TV appearance, maybe put up a flyer…. or something. Right? SMH.

I’m just so confused.

Oh and for the record, the attached six minute Bodega Queen- Busted remix that I receive courtesy of one GPayton, is NOT helping my state of mind. At all.

*proceeds to vogue on the corner*

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