work it white girl | Mitzi Moments

lovin’ the angry white woman..

By Mitzi on December 3, 2009 in cuteness kills, i die, work it white girl

Oh my, and the tomfoolery on this Thursday keeps a coming… Lemme find out Saturday Night live might actually be worth staying up late and watching again!

And the very, very best part? Secretly, a whole lotta white girls out there swear they go this hard. Word.

WE LOVES IT.

so this is how we’ll remember u…

By Mitzi on December 2, 2009 in made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, that sense of entitlement, why we as a people can't get ahead, work it white girl

Oh Tiger… *struggles to suppress the patent good-for-that-ass side-eye*

There you were, frontin’ like you transcended the average man and even the idea of race. Well lookey here… Not only are you just as bad as the average good-for-nothing man, when push comes to shove, race is exactly the reason you are sitting on the cover of every newspaper looking like Boo-Boo the Fool that caught a bad one with a 9-iron from his own wife (the former nanny).

Yeah, I said it.

See, it was the NEGRO (not even black), that made you assume that because you are wealthy and born with a penis, you can be sloppy with the side chick selection and affair behavior. Who da hell in this day cheats with the nothing-to-lose COCKTAIL WAITRESS (who apparently also appeared on VH1’s Tool Academy) and then leaves a trail of over 300 raunchy text messages and lord only knows how many voice messages?? Um okay Mr. “I Will Wear You Out”…

Then that damned WHITE part, must be where you got the false sense of entitlement to try and simply dismiss the situation. Talkin’ about you sent the Florida police away ’cause you don’t have to answer any questions… Oh yeah? And guess who’s issuing public apologies to all their family and friends now? Pathetic.

And I’m take a wild guess here and assume that unfortunate ASIAN part of you is why all these women are pouring out the wood works to snitch. ‘Cause keep 100- ain’t NOBODY tryin’ to mess up the really, really good thing. READ: when the d-ck game is proper, hoes are too satisfied to snitch. *Drops the Mic*

Good luck out there my dear…

somebody doesn’t watch CSI…

By Mitzi on December 1, 2009 in desperate cry for help, end of days, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

Hmmm, I’m torn.

When I first turned on the computer and saw the breaking AP report about the guy in Washington State that murdered 4 police officers being shot to death, I figured I’d write about this recent trend of African-American serial killers and crazies. ‘Cause lord knows ever since the DC Snipers set it off, the folks been actin’ all out of pocket. Doin’ stuff we had pretty much left the pinktoes, i.e leaving half buried women around your house, going on unprovoked killing sprees, etc. *Dead Fish Eyes*

THEN, I read the story about Casey Johnson, the “troubled” 30 year-old lesbian heiress to the Johnson & Johnson fortune and daughter of the owner of The NY Jets. And I promise you, this story made me straight laugh out loud! WHY in the world would a woman who stands to inherit BILLIONS of dollars rob anyone? Least of all, a friend? Sigh. The only thing I can come up with is too much time on her hands… ‘Cause it seems Ms. Baby Lotion herself ganked “dozens of pieces of clothing, jewelry and some documents” from Jasmine Lennard, an alleged supermodel (although I ain’t never ever, ever hear of this chick before).

Oh and here’s the funny ‘ish- the socialite got caught ’cause her bottom bee-yatch ratted her out (mind you this is the same shady jump-off that apparently beat that ass and set #1 Jets fan’s hair on fire earlier in the year).

Anyhoo, Casey showed up at the on-again, off-again girlfriend’s crib acting CA-razy! So the chick freaked out (’cause who the hell wouldn’t) and sent Jasmine a text message talkin’ about: ‘There’s a problem Jaz, Casey Johnson just got into bed with me and she is wearing your underwear. You need to call the police. There are documents here, your shoes and your clothing– you need to call the police.” Wearing another woman’s panties? Tragic.

But wait on it… Casey was so gangsta with it, she left said supermodel a used vibrator in her bed and a wet towel on the floor.

And I’m DONE. Feel free to order the Walmart casket IMMEDIATELY.

i got your ball…

By Mitzi on November 18, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, it's in the genes, work it white girl

I may be a little late on this one but have you seen the video of University of New Mexico soccer player, Elizabeth Lambert Her (yes, I take it she’s German too) literally yanking an opponent from Brigham Young University down to the ground by her ponytail??

Okay forreal, forreal? This ‘ish is CA-Razy!! I couldn’t have made this up if I wanted to- it’s too damn underhanded and vicious. Talkin’ about she thinks it’s all being blown out of proportion because she’s a woman and she was “not out there to hurt players. That would take away from the beauty of the game.”

*Dead Fish Eyes*

No Holly Hobby, let me tell you what would taken away from the beauty of the game. Your lumped up face after the certified ass whooping I would’ve given if your dumb butt had dared to snap my neck back and flip me over face first into the ground by the hair. Bump a damn penalty flag. It would’ve been me, my cleats and the small of your back behind some tomfoolery like this. Trust.

Humph. All I can say is, Jesus be the swift kick to the neck in the name of the game.

in a funk…

By Mitzi on October 29, 2009 in Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

To be quite honest, thanks to last night’s piss poor performance of my beloved Yankees there’s nothing I particularly feel like writing about today…

I mean, aside from the SC state attorney who was picked up by the po-po for trying to get it in with a stripper in a graveyard. Uh-huh, you read that correctly that 66-year-old fool had the Viagra and sex toys- just in case and was trying to get it poppin’ in the place where dead bodies go to decompose on his LUNCH BREAK. Sigh. *FAIL*

Oh yeah, I guess there is the aspiring 19 year-old singer from Canada that was mauled by two wolves while hiking alone on some nature trail… Mmm-hmm, crazy. I feel horribly for her and her family because being torn apart limb by limb is no way for anyone to spend their last minutes alive. But real talk? WTF was she doing hiking in the woods by herself without a can of mace, a machete or some kinda gun? *EPIC FAIL*

But on an upnote, that random white woman from Philly who got arrested for soliciting an undercover cop in exchange for two tix to the World Series actually wound up being given a pair to Sunday’s game from her local radio station and a car dealership. *NICE*

So see kids, sometimes, it’s worth the court summons.

walt don’t want no parts of this…

By Mitzi on October 19, 2009 in desperate cry for help, it's in the genes, work it white girl

Lord GOD! Is it just my imagination or is Lindsey Lohan’s face looking Ca-RAZY recently?

No, seriously, ever since her massively failed fashion career launch at the Paris shows, homegirl has gone straight leather face- deep etched wrinkles in the brow, blistery looking lips that no lipstick can seem to hide and the perpetual 2+ bags under the bloodshot eyes. Real talk? Homegirl looks a walking hangover.

Hmmm, I wonder if she’s so broke that she can’t afford a make-up artist anymore…. ‘Cause I have to say, even at her bald-headed worst, I don’t remember Brit- Brit’s skin EVA-NEVA looking this tough. Do you?

next stop is not dancing w the stars…

By Mitzi on October 7, 2009 in end of days, i die, made for the maury show, work it white girl

Okay, you know what? There are definitely times when actions speak louder than words. And this video is screaming right now. Or maybe that was just me after watching it for the first fifty times…. ‘Cause when I tell you, this right here, Made. My. Day.

I can 99.9% GUARANTEE you, this little girl’s parents have NO idea their daughter is jamming on the ones like this. Like seriously? Goldilocks ain’t missed a beat. Matter-of-fact, my old ass would probably sit the hell down if I saw her on the dance club.

Now, I’m hesitant to blame it all on the nanny… For one, most of the nannies I see sitting out in the parks barely want to look at the kids they’re supposed to be taking care of let alone take the time to teach they how to pop their booties. And quite honestly, there’s just as good of chance homegirl learned it at school from one of her classmates. But still… it damn sure took a nanny to cue the music, videotape the solo performance and put it up on the web.

Feel free to insert Dead Fish Eyes.

With that said, I’d like to dedicate this to all the Upper East Side and Park Slope parents whose kids are being raised by someone else. Um, Barbie and Ken? It’s time to reassess.

d-list certified…

By Mitzi on September 11, 2009 in i'm not ready to be a grandmother, made for the maury show, work it white girl

Hate her or love her, comedienne Kathy Griffin can’t lose. I swear, this clip of her spoofing Kate Gosselin a.k.a the current Queen of Gossip Rag Exploitation is priceless.

What you know about the dead-on reverse mullet wig? Or giving your clearly Mexican looking children the tears of fame to drink? Oh and for the record, I die for the surgery scars!

you say anorexia, I say sample size

By Mitzi on August 24, 2009 in i die, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

If this pissy summer weather has been good for absolutely nothing else, it’s def helped me step up my reality TV game. Not only have I successful killed several viable brain cells watching all the episodes of 16 and Pregnant but then there was yesterday afternoon’s six-hour Bridezilla marathon. Mmm-hmmm, ain’t no shame in my rainy day Sunday sofa game. But NOW, the time has finally come for the mother of all mind numbing TV- the premiere of The Rachel Zoe Project!!!

OMG, I. DIE.

For the record, I know it makes no sense for me to be this excited about another woman. But I swear I can’t help myself. I LOVE that evil, egotistical, emaciated, bitchy white woman.

And quite honestly, it nothing to do with her supposed fashion sense (which I sometimes question). In fact, I would prefer if the producers didn’t show her dressing a celeb for the entire season. I simply want to watch her lose her shit week after week over absolutely NOTHING of consequence. ‘Cause quite candidly? Her level of superficiality is a unique gift from above. You can’t pay to be this self-centered.

Oh and let us not forget Tyler (her envious, mean-hearted lead assistant who so clearly would be a serial killer if so wasn’t Rachel’s indentured slave) and Brad (the most crocodile tear crying, opportunistic gay man on cable TV). Truth be told, the cat fights between the two of them deserves it’s own spin-off. Its too much.

Jesus be a full-length mink in the dead of August.

so not ready for primetime…

By Mitzi on August 13, 2009 in honorary white woman, i die, it's in the genes, work it white girl

For a minute, when I woke up I thought I was going to have a real whatever day: the weather is beyond miserable, my tummy hurts and the sight of $1400 thigh-high Prada boots in the new Nordstrom catalog damn near drove me to stroll a corner near you. But then, I saw this video and my whole LIFE just changed.

‘Cause seriously, why are these two the most out of control dogs EVER? And even more importantly, why is these woman sitting there and LETTING the dogs basically hump on their faces and punk them??? It’s too much!

Call me a bad sport but at the point the little pitbull backs her dirty butt dead into the newscaster’s grill, that would’ve been the time to get up and call it a day. No?

You be the judge.

Page 4 of 5 2 3 4 5 6

Mitzi Moments

CONTACT

Category: work it white girl