work it white girl | Mitzi Moments

filing a missing persons report…

By Mitzi on February 23, 2010 in work it white girl

When I woke up this morning I had two very different thoughts. First, was the realization that the headache/ migraine I’ve been suffering from for the past 48 hours is finally gone. Praise God! And secondly, I wondered where Paris Hilton was hiding out nowadays. I know, I know. *crickets*

Maybe it’s because I was watching the season finale of Keeping Up With The Karshadians the other day when it occurred to me that in the last year or so, Kimmie and her entire little look alike tribe essentially snatched the life away from Paris et al. And you know what, I’m not even mad.

Say what want about her boring sex tape, blatant use of butt pads and that nasal, high-pitched voice (which irritates most of us b/c real talk, if anyone else whined HALF as much to our sig others, we wouldn’t get shit but cussed out and told to shut da hell up) howsumeva, that white woman is a straight hustler. She may have no perceptible talent or even personality but she sure can work a camera. And with that singular ability, she has managed to get her and her ENTIRE FAMILY pizz-aid!!

Now that’s what I call looking out for the home team.

Truth be told, I kinda wish she’d teach a class. You know something like, “How To Turn A Boring Sex Tape Into A Million Dollar Moment For Ev’ry-Damn-Body.’ I’m just saying…

money tastes better than chocolate…

By Mitzi on February 10, 2010 in desperate cry for help, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

So former Disney wunderkind turn washed up actress before the age of 25, Amanda Bynes went off on a little twitter rant this morning. Talking about how even though she’s “VANILLA” she loves “CHOCOLATE.” And she doesn’t care who has a problem with it.”

*crickets*

Um really, Amanda? Vanilla and chocolate? Sigh. Okay, in your defense I’m sure you thought that you’re making a powerful political statement. But how can I put this nicely… Sweetie, you sound STOOPID. No, really. And not because I don’t think that you enjoy having sex with Black men, I just don’t believe that if you have to announce it in a Twitter, it will ever, ever, ever be more than that- a f’ck.

In my experience, folks that have to make these kind of proclamations, don’t mean a word that they’re saying. They just want attention and generally to hear the sound of their own voices.

And surprise, surprise I guess little Amanda’s voice wasn’t as loud and proud as those of her publicists, the Disney reps and her all white middle-American fans. ‘Cause please believe that homegirl deleted that nonsense within 2 hours of posting. Just. Like. That.

DEAD.

is this was mickey taught you…

By Mitzi on February 5, 2010 in i die, made for the maury show, that sense of entitlement, work it white girl

OH God! I knew it, I knew!!

Triflin’-ass Lindsay Lohan is a HOARDER!

Don’t believe me? Just check out the first of Extra Insider’s two-part special w/ co-host Niecy Nash (who is so freakin’ condescending/ annoying, she made me want to strangle the breath out of her and that ridiculous looking wig).

Mmm-hmmm, Jesus be the Goodwill truck waiting outside with the engine running. ‘Cause Lindsay’s place seriously has more shit than an outhouse crapper!

If I was one of her neighbors, I’d be trying to get that hooker evicted IMMEDIATELY. Just on GP. It’s like as if your constant reckless behavior and blatant drug abuse weren’t enough, now you’re bringing filth-flarn-filth to the building where folks pay waaay too much money to live as it is? Oh HELLS naw!

Survey says, FAIL.

Oh and you must know it’s train wreck when I’m so caught up in the nastiness of her condo that I can’t find the energy to discuss what all that plastic surgery has done to her face. Looking like Laura Flynn Boyle’s illegitimate blonde-haired daughter.

I’m going to take a shower.

psst, hey Bey…

By Mitzi on February 5, 2010 in i die, Mitzi- all day every day, using our powers for good, work it white girl

OMG, how did I miss this?? I freakin’ LOVE this white woman!! No seriously, I will forever have a special spot in my heart for Chelsea Handler thanks to this dead-on tirade about Beyonce’s performance at this year’s Grammy Award Show.

Girl Crush Proper.

i see dirty people…

By Mitzi on February 4, 2010 in desperate cry for help, i die, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, work it white girl

So as most folks know, I am totally obsessed with the A&E show, Hoarders- totally and completely.

My obsession is to the point where I’m seeing the signs of potential Hoarders EVERYWHERE- from the lady in the grocery line buying 100 cans of cat food to the extra-messy looking chick that keeps spilling old food wrappers, crumpled papers and empty bottles of water out of her bag on the subway car. I swear, if you look they are all over!

And while I’m sure some of you probably think I’m a itty bit nutso, I’m TELLING you, that freakin’ Lindsey Lohan is a damn hoarder!

Exhibit A: Just look at this photo of a room in her condo!

What in the unholy-nasty-white-trash-hell is going on? Who lives like this? Talking about, “I try not to go in there… It gives me anxiety being in here. The clutter takes up a lot of space mentally.” Err-um, really??

And this is the same worthless chick that they had the NERVE to pay to be the face of Ungaro? DEAD. Real talk, they might as well have asked the homeless lady that that lives at the end #1 Train subway platform at the 168th Street stop. No offense…

On an upnote, the shameless starlet is going to let The Insider come in and film a ‘De-cluttering Lindsey’ special about her situation that’s scheduled to air next week. So I’ll get to watch the whole shit show up close and personal.

I. Can. Not. WAIT!

e for effort…

By Mitzi on January 25, 2010 in cuteness kills, using our powers for good, work it white girl

So did everyone see the celeb-packed Hope for Haiti Telethon? Really? Must be nice. Unfortunately, thanks to raggedy-ass Time Warner Cable, I didn’t get to see SHIT. Nope, not a thing.

But thank God I have friends. So even when I’m unable to witness the well intended tomfoolery firsthand, my peeps are more than happy to run back and report on it. Thanks Mali!

Exhibit A: Madonna

Let’s not even bother to discuss her increasing inability to even PRETEND like she can sing (although kudos on bringing in the big Black choir to serve as a distraction). I just want to know, What in the unholy-cut up and snatched back-hell happened to her face???

Why does Madonna look like 50 year-old washed out version Tila Tequila?

And my guess is that she just underwent this latest round of surgeries (yes plural), within the last couple of weeks. Why? Forget about smiling, if you watch closely (okay, not even that closely), you’ll see that she’s barely able to move her head from side-to-side. Not to mention, her face is still super shiny and swollen (hence, the missing cheekbones). Poor thang.

While I truly admire her willingness to come out of recovery to perform for the cause, I’m just not quite sure this was the best look for the Material Girl. No offense. Perhaps she should’ve just answered the phones…

Goodness gracious, it sure is hard keeping up with Demi Moore.

making greyhound look sexy…

By Mitzi on January 5, 2010 in end of days, it's in the genes, that sense of entitlement, work it white girl

How ridiculous is it that Joan Rivers got bumped off her flight from Costa Rica because security thought that she was a terrorist? Seriously? The old decrepit white woman with waaaaay too much plastic surgery and a horrible ash blonde dye job? I can’t. Between you and me, I think Joan was probably being a pain in the ass and the chick at Continental was like, “Oh yeah bitchy old lady? I’ll show you.” Mmm-hmm… just. like. that.

But honestly, it still behooves me why everyone in the entire world should suffer this ridiculous backlash because a bunch of lazy ass fools who work for the airport (who were most likely annoyed that they had to work on Christmas) screwed up on the job. Instead of coming up with a bunch of additional rules, wouldn’t the smart thing to do have been to FIRE every employee that was working security and missed the mark that day?

I’m just saying. Obviously they never mastered the old rules. So what, you’re going to try and tack on MORE information? Do the math.

Sigh. Friendly skies my behind…

she sure don’t look sorry to me…

By Mitzi on December 15, 2009 in end of days, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

Oh uh-uh, I see the official coming out party for the angry white women continues in full speed. Mmm-hmm…

Yesterday in Wisconsin, 2 women accused gluing a cheating lover’s penis to his stomach back in July finally reached plea deals with the District Attorney.Um, gluing a man’s penis to his stomach because he cheated on you? Who does that?? And better yet, how they manage to get off with no jail time??

Mind you, these weren’t some young, hot headed twenty-something year-olds caught up in an emotional moment. The two women are grown ass, forty-eight and forty-three year-year-old women! And wait on it, neither of the two was actually married to the poor 37 year-old schlub that they tied up and stuck it to- literally.

But tell you what, I’m not gonna judge. Nope. I’ll simply sit back and enjoy the show.

they all fall down…

By Mitzi on December 10, 2009 in made for the maury show, too old for the road, work it white girl

So ‘Snooki,’ the tiniest of the girl guidos on MTV’s latest reality show, Jersey Shore is about to get punched in the face in this week’s episode, huh? Interesting. Not quite sure why a woman getting knocked the f’k out by a grown ass man makes for appropriate television even if it is on cable but hey, who am I?

Oh wait, they’re going to run a PSA afterwards to denounce violence against women. Ahhhh, of course. Now that makes it all better… Not. ‘Cause I love a messy reality show more than most people I know (hence, my morbid obsession with A&E’s Intervention and Hoarders) but even I have to draw the line in the dirty, broken glass, syringe needle filled sand on this one.

how do you say slut…

By Mitzi on December 9, 2009 in desperate cry for help, made for the maury show, work it white girl

Hmm, not for nothing, I don’t remember my high school teachers being anything close to… HOT?

Let alone covered in tattoos and wearing low cut tops or low rise jeans? WTH? But wait on it… seems that the change in appearance and relaxed dress code aren’t the only things popping off in the NYC public school system: According to the Daily News, a male janitor caught two female Language Arts teachers at James Madison High School in Brooklyn, Alini Brito and Cindy Mauro butt nekkid and getting it on inside a classroom DURING SCHOOL HOURS. Mmm-Hmm, just like that.

But wait on it… ya girl Cindy? Yeah, she’s married. *crickets*

Okay, let’s forget the whole closeted lesbian angle for a second. Real talk? Where is the discretion? How you gonna be screwing your lover in the high school building during the middle of school day. Boo. Hiss. Boo. Get a freaking room.

I’m sorry but ya’ll sloppy hoes are just as bad as Tiger ‘I-ain’t-never-seen-a-white-waitress-I-don’t-wanna-screw’ Woods.

Now mind you, all this happened on Nov. 20th. Since then, the two women have been reporting for work at the Dept. of Ed. Somehow it got leaked and it’s just now hitting the press. But when reporters reached out to Cindy’s husband for a comment, he insisted he’d never even HEARD of the allegations (let alone know that his wife was reporting to the Dept. of Ed for work instead of a classroom)!! Dayum homie… SMH. I can only imagine what the two of them talked about when homegirl got home from “work” that day.

Jesus be the foot on the small of Cindy’s back as he kicks that trifling ass the hell out. Amen.

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