Mitzi Moments

Category: why we as a people can’t get ahead

how the mighty keep falling…

By on June 23, 2010 in Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

Tell you what, it is a BAAAAAD day to be Lawrence Taylor. Apparently, this morning the former Giant great was officially indicted for rape, committing a criminal sexual act and sexual abuse. So basically, dude is looking at a potential max of THREE YEARS in a box behind this tomfoolery.


SILENCE.

You know what… I. Can’t.

When are ya’ll Negroes with money gonna learn? STOP paying for ass from women of unclear purpose. STOP having unprotected sex with the same chick ya boy banged out at last year’s all-star weekend. STOP bringing hookers to your real homes. STOP taking nekkid pictures on the cell phone you lose every other month. STOP wifen’ out strippers, exotic dancers, studio rats or whatever you wanna call them. And TRY to act like you have a drop of God-given commonsense.

It’s really, really not that hard.

On a lighter note, the above video courtesy of Miss Jia and the Anti-Bitch Antagonist is the answer to EVERYTHING this wonderful summer morning. Like the nice lady on the cell phone says when your call is connecting: Please enjoy the music!

this aint a movie dawg…

By on June 11, 2010 in end of days, i die, made for the maury show, why we as a people can't get ahead

Have I got a story for you…


So apparently my homegirl MB went out with some friend of hers that she hadn’t seen in a minute on Wednesday night. Naturally, the night went long and the number of drinks prob added up. No judgement. At the end of the wonderful evening the two young ladies went their individual ways. Everyone got home safely.

Now, the next morning MB’s homegirl wakes up a little hazy on whether she closed her car door BUT she distinctly recalls clicking the alarm. You know how the oddest details will stick in your mind the morning after a good time but you can’t remember major stuff? Like you won’t have the faintest idea what the name the person you were making out all night with but you’ll remember they had on a really nice watch? Exaactly.

Much to MB’s friend’s relief her SUV is in the same place she left it the night before. Praise god for the little things, right?

Anyhoo, she gets in her car. And almost immediately, she notices a distinctly sour odor. Like any normal person, she starts looking around the passenger side floor to see if she spilled any food the night before. Nope. Nothing. So she’s like okay well, maybe I just need some ventilation in here. She starts the car and opens all the window. Running a little late at this point, she makes mental note to hit the car was, gets herself together and begins to back the car out of the parking spot. Homegirl looks up in the rear view mirror…
AND SEES A FREAKING HOMELESS MAN DEAD ASLEEP IN THE BACKSEAT OF HER TRUCK.

*throws up in mouth while simultaneously dying of fright*

Mind you, this negro wasn’t sorta sleep. His ass had figured out how to lay the 2nd row of seats down so he could be SPRAWLED the hell out across the back of her car!!!

Can you f’kin’ imagine?? Honestly, I would’ve pissed in my pants if that ‘ish happened to me. And worse you done closed the door and locked yourself in with the seat belt?? OH HELLS NO!!!

I’m happy to report that MB’s girl is much more courageous than I. ‘Cause instead of pissing on herself or even calling the police, she was focused. She simply jumped out the car and started screaming at dude to get the hell out of her whip. Which he did… slowly. Talking about, ‘My bad. The door was open and I was tired.’

Um, I’m sorry. Did he just say, he was tired?

BLANK STARE W/ 3 LOOOONG BLINKS

See, this the kinda bullshit urban legends are made of. And like I told, MB- I’m just glad that dude was a hard sleeper. Cause can you imagine if he woke up before she looked up in the rear view mirror??? SMH.

senselesstragedy.com

why we can’t win…

By on June 7, 2010 in desperate cry for help, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

So I’m flipping through the NY Post and come across an article on former uptown drug lord extraordinaire Frank Lucas (dude portrayed by Denzel in American Gangster). Apparently, as if the film and documentary weren’t enough, some nice publisher has decided to pay good ole Frank to pen a tell-all about the rise and fall of his million dollar-a-day heroin empire.


*deep eye roll*

Now don’t get it twisted, I’m not mad at Mr. Lucas for finding a way to keep the gravy train rolling. Shoot, if they’re cutting checks just to regurgitate the same stories then by all means have at it. It’s just a small part of my conscious isn’t so sure how much we should continue glorifying his lifestyle considering we’re smack in the middle of a recession. Cause not for nothing, there are way too many desperate folks already out here trying to turn a dollar into 15 cents. Okay?

But I’m getting old, and my nerves are bad so perhaps that’s just me…

And to be fair, ultimately the NYP’s write-up does make it seem like Frank is very remorseful of the long term impact that the heroin boom had on folks in Harlem. You know in between, detailing all the negroes he punked, broads he smashed and dollars he tossed away cause he had it like that. But I digress… The important thing is that nowadays instead of slinging Blue Magic, Frank is producing music with his son, Frank Jr. while working on a non-profit for inner-city kids with his daughter, Francine.

*cues the shiny happy music*

Aww! Don’t you love a redemptive happy ending? Well almost…

Last month, Francine’s mom and Lucas’ “soul mate” and wife of more than 40 years, Julie Farriat, was busted on drug-trafficking charges in Puerto Rico.

DEAD FISH EYES

spit goes both ways…

By on May 25, 2010 in going to hell in a handbasket, it's not a game out there, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

So I just read the article in the NYT about the 51 bus drivers taking an average of THREE months paid leave after being SPIT on by an angry rider in 2009. And wait on it, in the past year, 80 drivers have already reported being spit on at some point by an angry rider.

SILENCE.

There are so many things wrong with that statement it’s hard for me to get started.

*Inhales deep, deep calming breath*

First of all, who SPITS on people? I don’t know if this became some sort of fad after the craziness of that dirty white girl hocking a fat ball of phlegm at fellow contestant ‘New York’ during season one of VH1’s Flavor of Love but I’ll tell you what…. This ain’t no damn reality TV. You can get AIDS, swine flu and all kinds of foolishness from contact with the wrong person’s saliva. Spitting on someone is beyond nasty, it’s life threatening.

If I was the bus driver, I would’ve taken that as a straight up attempt of my life, and wilded the hellout. Forget taking days off a work, I’m johnny-on-the-spot. I’m gonna do my damndest to shove that ‘ish right back down your throat. I’m just saying, don’t try me.

DEAD FISH EYES.

But on the other hand, unless that saliva started to burn the flesh off your body- there’s NO GOOD REASON anyone should require 3 months or in the case of one man, 191 days paid leave to recover from a spitting incident. Nope, not at all. You’re a New Yorker goddammit. Man up and pull yourself together.At the most take a couple of days, get all your blood tests done, relax your nerves and get back at it.

Cause in case you hadn’t heard, there’s already a freaking MTA budget shortfall to the tune of $400 million dollars.

Blank Stare W/ 3 Looooong Blinks.

Bottom line: I fell your pain. But if you’re that damn scarred, you need to go drive a taxi or snow truck or something. But for God’s sake, don’t bilk my already paying-through-the-nose, single-with-no-kids taxpaying self. Please and thanks.

*kanye shrug*

self-esteem on extra, extra low…

By on May 24, 2010 in desperate cry for help, it takes a village, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

So err-um a yeah, about Venus’s outfit at the French Open… How can I put this nicely? No way, no ma’am, not even on a dare.


DEAD FISH EYES.

Although strategically, I can see how it worked to her advantage. Cause honestly, who in their right mind is not going to be completely thrown off when her tall lanky self pranced unto the court in some trashy.com super sale lingerie? And then the first time the wind blew and it seemed as if she was completely naked underneath? GAME OVER. If I was that poor girl, I’d need more than a minute to get my mind behind some mess like that.

And while I’m all for doing what you have to do to get the win, at the end of the day it still grossed me out. Aside from the fact that I absolutely hate black and red as a lingerie color combo, the entire outfit just looks inappropriate. You weren’t home playing a random game of pick-up in our pjs with your homegirl. This was one of the biggest tournaments of the season.

You can’t tell me that she’s not starting to resent how much of a media darling Serena has suddenly become now that she’s dating Common. And I get it. It’s gotta be miserable being the sibling that genetics fairies forgot to drop a lil booty on. So you decide to do something to get folks’ tongues wagging about you too. But still, this is nuts.

Um hello. Venus Williams you’re the #2 ranked tennis player in the world and THIS is what you wanna do? Uh-uh.

Survey says LAME.

like sand in the hourglass…

By on May 17, 2010 in end of days, it's not a game out there, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

WOW, I can’t believe it’s been almost a MONTH since the BP oil explosion and subsequent leak in the Gulf… And it’s still going strong. According to this morning’s NYT BP engineers finally achieved some success at containment on Sunday when they used a mile-long pipe to capture some of the oil and divert it to a drill ship on the surface of the well head. Some success? Hmmm… Now for the record, I’m all for keeping hope alive and whatnot. Howsomeva, not quite so sure that’s going to be much of a comfort when folks on South Beach are looking at smelly brown water with dead fish floating on the surface. I’m just saying.


BLANK STARE

*jumps online to buy stock in rubber water shoes and book personal vacays in Europe and Africa for the next decade*

dialing now…

By on May 14, 2010 in it takes a village, it's not a game out there, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Is it me or does it seem like every third woman you see on the street is knocked up? I mean, I know that sex is one of the few things that you can still get for free nowadays but still… it’s becoming a little nutso w the morning sickness mafia. Blank Stare. But at least the five knocked-up people I know are certain to be good parents.


Which is clearly more than anymore than anyone could’ve said for wackass Jessica Bruce who despite being 6 months pregnant decided to engage in a high-speed car chase with the cops on Wednesday night.

*cue the tragedy theme music*

Apparently, the 21 year-old refused to stop her car when the po-po tried to pull her over for speeding. Allegedly, she was drunk. But bigger than drinking and driving while pregnant, in the Georgia woman’s haste to get away; she crashed into one car, spun into oncoming traffic, was hit by another car, totaled her ride and ultimately had to be cut from the wreckage of her car. Her baby died.

Charges of feticide are pending.

Time to call E-Boogie and thank her being such an amazing mother.

the music gods have smite us…

By on May 12, 2010 in end of days, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

And in the latest lowbrow breaking news: Gucci Mane has been released from jail!!

And I’m so sure you’ll be happy to know that according to the prepared statement that he mumbled his way through, “the rap game is in need of substance and he’s here’s for the streets right on time.” Oh and my favoritest line of the painful, self-indulgent, three minute monologue- “Oh and now that I’m free. Ironically, I feel like the most wanted man in Georgia.”

*confused silence*

Um, who is this dude again? And more importantly, why in the unholy-illiterate- hell would his publicist EVER encourage him to read ANYTHING out loud in a public setting? SMH. Seriously? Two words- You’re. Fired.

Listen, will somebody please call Big Boi and tell him to get his ass off Martha Stewart’s morning show, go find Andre 3000 and get both their asses back in the studio TOGETHER? Not now but, RIGHT NOW. Thanks.

ain’t nothing sexy ’bout this…

By on April 22, 2010 in cuteness kills, end of days, going to hell in a handbasket, it's not a game out there, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Gotta be honest, when I first saw the headlines about Naomi Campbell’s most recent attack my knee jerk reaction was to yawn. Like, so what? Another day, another backhand. It’s freaking Naomi Campbell for God’s sake. She’s probably just off her meds or some such nonsense.


But thanks to the wonders of insomnia, I find myself with the time and energy to find out who caught a bad one. And I gotta say…I’m kinda disgusted with Na-Na for this.

Apparently she slapped a camera out of the hands of the guy who was filming her for ABC News. The reason? The interviewer confronted her about her involvement with the war crimes trial of former Liberian strongman Charles Taylor.

For those who aren’t familiar with Taylor, he is the former President of Liberia and the mastermind behind a civil war that ultimately led to an ethnic conflict of EPIC portions. In addition to embezzlement, this maniac has been accused of the widespread conscription of children as soldiers, assisting rebel forces in Sierra Leone with weapon sales in exchange for blood diamonds, and ordering acts of atrocities against civilians that have left many thousands dead or mutilated, with unknown numbers of people abducted and tortured.

READ: This negro is the mother f’kin’ SPAWN OF SATAN.

But back to Naomi- It looks like back in the day when C.T was the President of Liberia; him, Naomi and her homegirl Mia Farrow were invited to vacay w Nelson Mandela. While there, it’s alleged that dude gave Naomi some ridiculously huge diamond as a token of his affection. Must be nice, huh?

As luck would have it, because of its unique size this particular stone is one of the few with a history that can be traced directly back to the conflict in Sierra Leone and the illegal slave trade. And in essence, send this psycho to jail for life.

But wait on it… ya favorite diva is refusing to testify. Uh-huh, talking about, Mia is a liar (b/c Mia is testifying that Ms. Campbell bragged about the gift at breakfast the morning after), she never received the diamond and further more she’s not going to speak about it. The End. And oh yeah, BAM. She smacked the camera to the floor.

*crickets*

Now, I really, really want to give Na-Na the benefit of the doubt on this and say that she never received any such gift. Cause it’s one this to be a raging, bi-polar, glamazon bitch who truly believes she’s so fabulous she’s above the law. But it’s another thing to aide and abeit a dude that co-signed on training babies to be killers and chopping folks hands off with machetes. So God forbid, if that skinny heifer is just lying to keep in good graces with that uber rich and powerful clique that she runs with…

BLANK STARE

proper use of the word slut…

By on April 9, 2010 in desperate cry for help, keep hope alive, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Well surprise, surprise, somehow my upstanding behind didn’t get selected for the month-long criminal case involving wire taps, cocaine, ecstacy and 2 Puerto Rican from the Dykeman Projects in the Bronx. BLANK STARE

Gee, I wonder if it had something to do with the judge’s question: do you know anyone that’s been convicted of a crime?

Anyhoo, while I’m holed up here on 100 Centre Street waiting for my last day of service to end, it looks like the state of marriage continues to rapidly deteriorate. Not only did lameass Tiki Barber leave his pregnant wife of 11 years for an intern but it seems Garcelle Beauvais-Nillion’s husband has also been outted for his five year affair. So how many celebrity husbands are in the shit house behind women probabaly not worth the gum on the bottom of my shoe: Steve Phillips, Tiger Woods, Shaq, Jesse James, Tiki Barber… Nice, very nice.

Keep it classy ya’ll.

But not for nothing, there’s been such a varied response to the cheating by all the wives. Don’t ya think? Let’s see, Steve Phillips wife sued him and homegirl, Elin chased Tiger’s ass with a golf club, Shawnee snatched kids and went to LA, Sandra straight disappeared, Giny Barber immediately started crying to the press and good ‘ole Garcelle… Well Ms. Thang sent a damn email to the ENTIRE talent agency where her husband works. Mmm-hmm, talking about:
“I found out today that MY husband of almost 9 yrs has been having an affair for 5 yrs with some slut in Chicago. I am devastated!!!! And I have been duped!! Our boys don’t deserve this!”

JUST LIKE THAT.

I gotta say, it’s been a bad run for unfaithful men over the past 7 months. And sure, I’d like to be optimistic about the situation. Cause you know, not everyone has to put his hand on the fire to figure out that it burns. But it’s just… I mean honestly? Interns, waitresses, low budget internet porn stars, party promoters and your homeboy’s fiancee? It’s a lot. Le sigh.

Jesus be the secret bank account in your mama’s maiden name.

CATEGORIES

Contact

Name
Email
Message

Yay! Message sent.
Error! Please validate your fields.
Design by materialdsign.com