Category: tagging out

So we’ve all heard about these shady college recruiters trolling social networking with the sole intention of catching kids in incriminating pictures and subsequently ruining their entire lives, right? You know the trajectory: a promising, all American, straight-A student whose done everything the right way her entire life doesn’t get accepted at the school of her choice because of a random topless photo she took with the Mexican pool boy during Spring Break in Cancun. Instead she is forced to stay home, attend a community college and wait tables for book money. Fast forward 5 years and she’s now the town drunk who’s always hanging out at the local bar talking about how she was voted Prom Queen? Straight tragedy.

But what you know about the Facebook Sabatoge?

Wait on it… that’s a new trend where cutthroat teens are now SENDING college recruiters the links to incriminating Facebook photos of their fellow peers just cut down on the competition! Take that, take that!

Mmm-hmm, you know what I think? Hell hath no fury like a stressed out, overachieving teenager trying to get into their first choice school! I thank my lucky stars every damn day that there was no such thing as cell phones, social networking or even an internet when I was in high school. Forreal, forreal.

Cause seriously? As far as I’m concerned, if the grades and extra-curricular are correct, the rest shouldn’t even matter. Damn the series of keg parties you and your friends organize in the school parking on Saturday nights. As long as you can sober up, put on a suit, and talk a good game when that snooty recruiter came for the home visit on Sunday evening, you deserve to go to college. This is America goddammit.

Oh RayJ. Sigh.

Of all the random low-life folks being given a dating reality show, YOUR dumbass is the one that gets caught up in a paternity suit? Seriously? And to make matters worse, its the chick with the big ass tattoo on her face nicknamed ‘Danger’? I can’t.
But wait on it… Somehow or another (’cause miracles and mindblowing BJs do really exist), this low-rent Mel B has now managed to become engaged to Nick Cannon’s brother, Gabriel. Which brings me to the most shocking part of this post- who da hell knew Nick Cannon even had a brother???
Uugh, it’s all so dirty. Excuse me while I go take a shower.

Not for nothing, this whole Chris Brown/ Rihanna situation is beyond tragic.

Two of our biggest music stars fighting in the street like a bunch of alley cats? No maam. If you ask me, both of their ill-behaved asses need a quick slap in the back of the head. Like, did you fools not get the memo that we have a Black President? Ya’ll ain’t the new Ike & Tina or even K-Ci & Mary! Puh-lease pull that shit together- not now but right now!!

And what’s really sad is that dude is only 19 years old. Chris is not even old enough to buy liquor and he’s already got a quick backhand? Seriously C-Breezy? Is this what you really wanna do? Cause last time I checked, you wasn’t nearly hood LIKE THAT. Humph. Well, if folks thought domestic violence amongst the teen and young adult demographic was just a good Tyra Show show topic, clearly you need to think again. It is very real out there….

Every once in a while, I’ll hear about a crime that is so unbelievably heinous it makes me physically ill. And this comes from the mouth of an admittedly jaded New Yorker, so you know.

And although I’ve never been the free-wheeling death penalty advocate, there are certain instances where I wholeheartedly believe some folks just need to go back to God and stage a do-over on life. You know, not just for me and society but really, for their own good. And err-um, Andre Thomas… It’s your time dude.

First, back in March 2004 this fool confessed to stabbing his estranged wife, their young son and her 13-month-old daughter to death. Mind you, he also ripped out all of their hearts. Yeah, as in cut open and pulled out.

Then while awaiting trial, Mr. Thomas yanked out his left eye out of the socket. Yes sir, pulled that mo-fu OUT with his own hands. Sick yet?

No? Well how ’bout this- Apparently last week the deranged psycho finally finished the job. He snatched out his remaining eye and ATE that shit. READ: chewed and swallowed it.

Po-po said that when they finally found him, dude’s face was COVERED in blood (feel free to insert image of me screaming my own head off as I read this).

Mmm-hmmm, barf bags are located in the seat pockets directly in front of you.

But the best part? It’s only NOW that the authorities want to send this looney tune to a mental institution. So lemme get htis straight? Ya’ll JUST now realized his was mentally ill? Uh-uh. Forget the war, we gonna need education reform RIGHT NOW. Cause the people in charge are beyond stoopid.

I mean, at this point we can forget the padded room. They need to special order rush that ass to the electric chair! I dare you to find ONE person who won’t co-sign on a take-two. Shiiieeet. GOOD LUCK.

Okay Dr. Richard Batista, you listen up. I don’t know what kinda God-complex you’re working with over there in Long Island but just in case no one around you has the god-given COMMONSENSE to keep it real with you, let me be the first.

Here is what you will NOT, I repeat, you WILL NOT be doing in 2009: Suing your ex-wife to get back the kidney that you donated to her while you two were married. NO SIR, not today, tomorrow or EVER, EVER.

Just because your ex-wife had an affair, it does not entitle you to have your kidney back. Be clear, I ain’t saying the cheating wasn’t messed up. Especially after you basically saved her life and whatnot but forreal, forreal? You need to get it TOGETHER.
This ain’t no freaking playground. You can’t get mad and snatch back your toys cause your little feelings got hurt. IDIOT.
Even if I wasn’t a transplant survivor (which I am), I’d be sucking my two front- teeth and giving you the ice cold side-eye. Yes, you and the ambulance chasing- cracker jack box degree having-lawyer that fixed his face to tell you this was a viable case. Talking ’bout you want your kidney or 1.5 million dollars. Shiiiieeeeet. I wish somebody would…

Both of ya’ll need to go sit your behinds down somewhere. Like, NOW.

God bless her heart, over the past eight years, Condoleezza Rice has never ceased to amaze. Talk about the forreal, forreal bottom chick, she holds dumbass W. DOWN!

Her ability to consistently turn a blind-eye to the atrocities of the current Bush administration are damn near unrivaled: Ridiculous tax breaks for the wealthy? Yup. Multiple cases of genocides around the world? Forget it. Spy on US citizens and torture prisoners for fun? Let’s do it. Invade a bunch of countries for kicks? I wanna jump out the plane after you. Sit back and watch thousands of Americans die in New Orleans? I’ll be in Sergio Rossi picking up those red pumps you like to see me in.

I mean, even poor Colonel Powell had to cry mercy, blame his wife and bail the hell out of the shit show.

But not Condoleezza. No maam. Ms. Rice is absolutely determined to take it to the finish line talking about “experts criticizing Bush “aren’t very good historians” and “people will soon thank George Bush for what he’s done.” Really Condi??? So this is how you want to go down in history? Sigh.

I swear, they don’t make ‘em like this anymore…

So I get the random text from Crystal last night telling me to turn on NBC and watch this new reality show they’re previewing called, Mamas Boys. Where, if I’m to understand the premise correctly, overprotective mothers help select the right girl for thier ‘perfect’ sons to date. Ummmm… okay.

If it sounds like the Bachelor with his crazy momma in tow to you; don’t worry, that’s the same thing I thought. And for the record, I haven’t had the slightest interest in watching The Bachelor since that crazy man married that Norwegian airline stewardess (wasn’t her name Darma or something like that?) live on national TV five seconds after his fugly identity was revealed. Only to then find out he was a total looney tune and dead broke. Do you remember that? But I digress…
So anyhoo, I’m watching and playing along as the women in the brothel (there are 32 grownass women living in 1 house) get all excited to first meet the men (three random white guys with whatever looks and obviously inflated egos) and then their moms (yawn).
Don’t you know, it’s all fun and games until in walks the wildcard- the racist mother. Yes they did. Some squat, white, half-illiterate Catholic woman named Mrs. B who doesn’t want any race or religion mixing for her precious, pure-American, only son… Who if you ask me, looks like he’s half Puerto Rican with all the extra fuzzy hair and dark skin. But wait on it.
Instead of keeping it moving, WHY did this black chick named VITA, decide that b/c she is an Iraq War vet that fought for everyone in this country, she was going to be the one to confront old girl? Homegirl rolls on the mom and righteous talking about, I think you should apologize to all of us for thoe racist comments you made. Cause I’m in the military and I protect the people like you!”
Well don’t you know KKK Queen was having none of it. She was like, “Um , excuse you? First of all, I didn’t tell you to enlist. So that’s your problem! And for the record, I have five black friends. So I am not a racist. And no, I will not apologize! Matter of fact, my skin is darker than yours, so F- You Bee-yatch!!” And then she turned around and walked away.
Yes, you read that correctly. She straight up called Vita the B-word and BOUNCED.
I swear, it was like a modern day version of that classic Eddie Murphy RAW monologue where the short wite Italian guy goes to see Rocky in the movie theater, loses his mind and makes the mistake of going hard with the big black dude. Except this was an old white woman and in a complete flip of fate, she SHUT THAT HO DOWN.
Vita was looking all kinds of flabbergasted and confused. Not nam one of the chicks that popped that mess with her earlier when they were discussing ‘what they would do when they laid eyes on the mom’ said word the first. It was like, “Uh-uh, you on your own my sister”… Damn.

You see what gentrification has gotten us? Mmm-hmm, I hope you’re satisfied.

Hopefully, we’ve all managed to stop laughing at the look on President Bush’s face when he got not one but TWO shoes hurled at his lying ass in Iraq the other day (that was a helluva duck tho). And I promise I won’t beat the horse any deeper into the ground than that fool on CNN, trying to turn the tomfoolery into a serious topic with ridiculous questions like- ‘how did this happen?’ Um, eight years of pent-up aggression is my best bet. ‘With all the security at the bunker, how did this person get inside?’ Probably walked in with shoes on like everyone else.

But I did want to take a moment to point out the funniest part of the confrontation. No not the shoe, not the duck, not even the dead-on slurs but rather- the length of time it took the American Secret Service to care enough to react.

Seriously, what were the good ‘ole boys doing back behind the door? SLEEPING? Dude stood up, screamed “This is a farewell kiss, you dog,” took off a shoe, threw it, took off another shoe, the Iraq agents started to get involved and THEN the American Secret Servicemen decide to pop out and do something? Woah.


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