Mitzi Moments

Category: made for the maury show

blood on the dancefloor…

By on December 23, 2009 in i die, made for the maury show, never too grown, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

Never thought I’d utter this sentence but, it sure is a good day to be Mike Tyson.


Okay, okay maybe good is a bit of a stretch since dude is already scheduled to head back to court in 2010 for the shenanigans with the paparazzi a couple of months ago. But something tells me that if the former champ read yesterday’s New York Post (or should I say, had someone read it to him), he probably enjoyed a bit of a chuckle.

‘Yes sir because apparently, that whole ‘man-biting-man-and-ripping-flesh off-in-the-heat-of-the-battle’ thing that he went through back in the ring with Holyfield? Well kids, it really can happen to the best of us. Okay, maybe not the best. But dammit, it does happen. Just ask Mark Lambert…

*movie star screams, gags and faints DEAD on the floor*

But wait on it… wanna know the reason the lawyer went all cannibal on his fellow club patron? (And no, there weren’t millions of dollars at stake like there was for Tyson.) It seems that two of Lambert’s homeboys were holed up in a bathroom stall and not exactly using it to urinate if you catch my drift… Coughs, How you doin’?? So Herber started tripping on the 2 guys and demanding they come out b/c he needed to actually use the bathroom. And that’s when Lambert (who was outside the stall using a urinal), rushed to the defense of his friends and started the fight with Herber. Um really, all that for some friends?? Feel free to insert serious side-eye as the disco ball silently spins overhead.

Mind you, the two dudes in the stall were not charged with any crime. Which means- they never bothered to stop whatever they were “doing,” come out and help Lambert who was chomping away on their behalf.

*drops the mic and walks away*

should’ve queefed…

By on December 22, 2009 in desperate cry for help, end of days, made for the maury show, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, tagging out

And the crazy keeps coming… Don’t ask me how I missed this story BUT it seems that earlier this year the police in England were on the hunt for a-and I quote- ‘sniffing pervert.’ Uh-huh, you read that correctly.


Apparently this grown ass man was/is stalking a 20 year-old stock boy at a grocery store in Plymouth Divine, England. And by “stalking,” what he does is hang around the grocery store aisle where dude is working and when the kid isn’t paying attention, the pervert will get really close and sniff the boy’s booty…. a lot.
But wait on it… This wasn’t an isolated incident. Allegedly, this man has come into the store at least twice to get his whiff on. *Dead Fish Eyes*

Okay forreal, forreal, fetish be damned who does this???? And perhaps the bigger question is, why didn’t any of the other people shopping in the aisle say something when they saw this man with his nose all up in this kid’s arse?

‘Cause not for nothing, if I saw someone shoving their face in another person’s butt and then ducking away, I’m saying something. And no, not because I’m some kinda good samaritan trying to gain brownie to get into heaven. How’s about I just don’t want to see that nonsense in the same place that I’m purchasing my groceries. Like, Ever.

she sure don’t look sorry to me…

By on December 15, 2009 in end of days, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

Oh uh-uh, I see the official coming out party for the angry white women continues in full speed. Mmm-hmm…

Yesterday in Wisconsin, 2 women accused gluing a cheating lover’s penis to his stomach back in July finally reached plea deals with the District Attorney.Um, gluing a man’s penis to his stomach because he cheated on you? Who does that?? And better yet, how they manage to get off with no jail time??

Mind you, these weren’t some young, hot headed twenty-something year-olds caught up in an emotional moment. The two women are grown ass, forty-eight and forty-three year-year-old women! And wait on it, neither of the two was actually married to the poor 37 year-old schlub that they tied up and stuck it to- literally.

But tell you what, I’m not gonna judge. Nope. I’ll simply sit back and enjoy the show.

gotta love the mugshot grin…

By on December 10, 2009 in end of days, i die, it's in the genes, made for the maury show

See now, if you’re gonna get arrested for drunk driving THIS my dears is the way to do it!


According to police reports, 36 year-old Daniel Shilts of Waldo, Wisconsin ran his car into a pole at a gas station and almost slammed into a police cruiser. Then, after failing sobriety tests (DUH!) , the cops decided to transport him to the police station in the back of a squad car.

But wait… It’s at this point where, ‘ole dude begins taking a leak. And not only did he pee all over the back of the cop car, apparently he sprayed through the car’s divider and hit one of the officers in the back of the head with his urine.

*gags and falls over stone cold DEAD*

Okay, okay, I know it’s probably really awful to say but you gotta admit- this ‘ish is HILARIOUS!!! I mean, aside from the whole crashing into a pole and endangering the life of innocent people in the area part… But can you imagine the visual on that? Homeboy aimed and sprayed the back of the cop’s head??? Crazy. And he only saw ONE year in jail for that?? I wonder if this dude is some sort of trust fund baby…

Rich or not, Daniel is so lucky his lily white behind lives in Wisconsin. Cause had he pulled this stunt anywhere in New York… Or worse yet, be BLACK/ HISPANIC/ ASIAN/ COLORED??? No sir. We wouldn’t even be reading about the piss. More like another unidentified dead body in the morgue.

I’m just saying.

they all fall down…

By on December 10, 2009 in made for the maury show, too old for the road, work it white girl

So ‘Snooki,’ the tiniest of the girl guidos on MTV’s latest reality show, Jersey Shore is about to get punched in the face in this week’s episode, huh? Interesting. Not quite sure why a woman getting knocked the f’k out by a grown ass man makes for appropriate television even if it is on cable but hey, who am I?


Oh wait, they’re going to run a PSA afterwards to denounce violence against women. Ahhhh, of course. Now that makes it all better… Not. ‘Cause I love a messy reality show more than most people I know (hence, my morbid obsession with A&E’s Intervention and Hoarders) but even I have to draw the line in the dirty, broken glass, syringe needle filled sand on this one.

how do you say slut…

By on December 9, 2009 in desperate cry for help, made for the maury show, work it white girl

Hmm, not for nothing, I don’t remember my high school teachers being anything close to… HOT?


Let alone covered in tattoos and wearing low cut tops or low rise jeans? WTH? But wait on it… seems that the change in appearance and relaxed dress code aren’t the only things popping off in the NYC public school system: According to the Daily News, a male janitor caught two female Language Arts teachers at James Madison High School in Brooklyn, Alini Brito and Cindy Mauro butt nekkid and getting it on inside a classroom DURING SCHOOL HOURS. Mmm-Hmm, just like that.

But wait on it… ya girl Cindy? Yeah, she’s married. *crickets*

Okay, let’s forget the whole closeted lesbian angle for a second. Real talk? Where is the discretion? How you gonna be screwing your lover in the high school building during the middle of school day. Boo. Hiss. Boo. Get a freaking room.

I’m sorry but ya’ll sloppy hoes are just as bad as Tiger ‘I-ain’t-never-seen-a-white-waitress-I-don’t-wanna-screw’ Woods.

Now mind you, all this happened on Nov. 20th. Since then, the two women have been reporting for work at the Dept. of Ed. Somehow it got leaked and it’s just now hitting the press. But when reporters reached out to Cindy’s husband for a comment, he insisted he’d never even HEARD of the allegations (let alone know that his wife was reporting to the Dept. of Ed for work instead of a classroom)!! Dayum homie… SMH. I can only imagine what the two of them talked about when homegirl got home from “work” that day.

Jesus be the foot on the small of Cindy’s back as he kicks that trifling ass the hell out. Amen.

sleeping with one eye open…

By on December 6, 2009 in end of days, going to hell in a handbasket, it's not a game out there, made for the maury show, tagging out

Just when you think you really know a person…


An HIV-positive man in Auckland, New Zealand was recently arrested for injecting his sleeping wife with his blood and infecting her with the fatal disease. Good GOD.

Apparently, the 35 year-old man was initially diagnosed during mandatory health-checks when the family of four moved to New Zealand in 2004. Even though she nor their children were infected, the woman chose to remain married and living with the man. and over the next couple of years things were as fine as they could be under the circumstances. Shoot, they even had ‘relations.’

But in 2007, homegirl had a change of heart. She became increasingly worried that she might also become infected ($100 says that he was probably trying to have unprotected sex with her- mmm-hmm). Ultimately, she insisted that if they continued living together, they would have to be abstinent.

So fast forward to a year later and ‘ole dude starts to get paranoid. He is convinced that the wife is planning to find another man and leave him. Determined to stay together, he pricks her two separate times with a sewing needle laced with his infected blood. Can you even imagine?

But wait on it… after basically condemning the mother of his own kids to a death sentence the maximum jail time this self-serving psycho can receive is FOURTEEN years!! Yep, you read that correctly, 1-4. So basically, this nut job will be a free man at the age of 49. *CRICKETS*

Light a candle and let the prayer circle commence.

kiki caught the yes…

By on December 3, 2009 in end of days, made for the maury show, too old for the road, why we as a people can't get ahead

Okay, don’t say I ain’t never done anything to make you laugh. If this video- sent to me by my beloved friend Geoff- doesn’t bring joy to your heart and the word YAAAAAAASSSS your lips you are a confirmed cold-heated snake (get it Paula).

WORK, BEATS, FEIRCE, SOUND bee-yatches!

By all means, please feel free to get up out of your seat when the fork hits the garbage disposal. ‘Cause you know I did.

so this is how we’ll remember u…

By on December 2, 2009 in made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, that sense of entitlement, why we as a people can't get ahead, work it white girl

Oh Tiger… *struggles to suppress the patent good-for-that-ass side-eye*


There you were, frontin’ like you transcended the average man and even the idea of race. Well lookey here… Not only are you just as bad as the average good-for-nothing man, when push comes to shove, race is exactly the reason you are sitting on the cover of every newspaper looking like Boo-Boo the Fool that caught a bad one with a 9-iron from his own wife (the former nanny).

Yeah, I said it.

See, it was the NEGRO (not even black), that made you assume that because you are wealthy and born with a penis, you can be sloppy with the side chick selection and affair behavior. Who da hell in this day cheats with the nothing-to-lose COCKTAIL WAITRESS (who apparently also appeared on VH1’s Tool Academy) and then leaves a trail of over 300 raunchy text messages and lord only knows how many voice messages?? Um okay Mr. “I Will Wear You Out”…

Then that damned WHITE part, must be where you got the false sense of entitlement to try and simply dismiss the situation. Talkin’ about you sent the Florida police away ’cause you don’t have to answer any questions… Oh yeah? And guess who’s issuing public apologies to all their family and friends now? Pathetic.

And I’m take a wild guess here and assume that unfortunate ASIAN part of you is why all these women are pouring out the wood works to snitch. ‘Cause keep 100- ain’t NOBODY tryin’ to mess up the really, really good thing. READ: when the d-ck game is proper, hoes are too satisfied to snitch. *Drops the Mic*

Good luck out there my dear…

somebody doesn’t watch CSI…

By on December 1, 2009 in desperate cry for help, end of days, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

Hmmm, I’m torn.


When I first turned on the computer and saw the breaking AP report about the guy in Washington State that murdered 4 police officers being shot to death, I figured I’d write about this recent trend of African-American serial killers and crazies. ‘Cause lord knows ever since the DC Snipers set it off, the folks been actin’ all out of pocket. Doin’ stuff we had pretty much left the pinktoes, i.e leaving half buried women around your house, going on unprovoked killing sprees, etc. *Dead Fish Eyes*

THEN, I read the story about Casey Johnson, the “troubled” 30 year-old lesbian heiress to the Johnson & Johnson fortune and daughter of the owner of The NY Jets. And I promise you, this story made me straight laugh out loud! WHY in the world would a woman who stands to inherit BILLIONS of dollars rob anyone? Least of all, a friend? Sigh. The only thing I can come up with is too much time on her hands… ‘Cause it seems Ms. Baby Lotion herself ganked “dozens of pieces of clothing, jewelry and some documents” from Jasmine Lennard, an alleged supermodel (although I ain’t never ever, ever hear of this chick before).

Oh and here’s the funny ‘ish- the socialite got caught ’cause her bottom bee-yatch ratted her out (mind you this is the same shady jump-off that apparently beat that ass and set #1 Jets fan’s hair on fire earlier in the year).

Anyhoo, Casey showed up at the on-again, off-again girlfriend’s crib acting CA-razy! So the chick freaked out (’cause who the hell wouldn’t) and sent Jasmine a text message talkin’ about: ‘There’s a problem Jaz, Casey Johnson just got into bed with me and she is wearing your underwear. You need to call the police. There are documents here, your shoes and your clothing– you need to call the police.” Wearing another woman’s panties? Tragic.

But wait on it… Casey was so gangsta with it, she left said supermodel a used vibrator in her bed and a wet towel on the floor.

And I’m DONE. Feel free to order the Walmart casket IMMEDIATELY.

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