Category: made for the maury show

Okay so I’m not going to get all deep into the details of the group of fake missionaries/ child traffickers from Idaho that were arrested as they attempted to kidnap a group of THIRTY-THREE children form Port-au-Prince, Haiti last week in the name of Jesus. Cause honestly, the facts speak for themselves… And if I get started on the audacity of these white people, preying on the poor, displaced families in the midst of a natural disaster, I may never end.


But very quickly, I’d like to draw your attention to this picture taken yesterday afternoon of two of the women in the group- a mother and child. Now be clear, these two women are headed BACK to jail after being charged with child abduction and criminal conspiracy, and they’re what? Laughing.

DEAD FISH EYES.

I gotta tell you, I wouldn’t think a damn thing was funny if I was innocent and my ass was headed back to a freakin’ Haitian jail. No ma’am. Not. At. All. But I guess the key word there is ‘innocent,’ huh?

I sure hope them heifers don’t think that just cause they’re white Americans everything is gonna to eventually blow over. SMH. Cause them days is over…

SOMEBODY CUE THE TRAVELING MUSIC.

So as most folks know, I am totally obsessed with the A&E show, Hoarders- totally and completely.


My obsession is to the point where I’m seeing the signs of potential Hoarders EVERYWHERE- from the lady in the grocery line buying 100 cans of cat food to the extra-messy looking chick that keeps spilling old food wrappers, crumpled papers and empty bottles of water out of her bag on the subway car. I swear, if you look they are all over!

And while I’m sure some of you probably think I’m a itty bit nutso, I’m TELLING you, that freakin’ Lindsey Lohan is a damn hoarder!

Exhibit A: Just look at this photo of a room in her condo!

What in the unholy-nasty-white-trash-hell is going on? Who lives like this? Talking about, “I try not to go in there… It gives me anxiety being in here. The clutter takes up a lot of space mentally.” Err-um, really??

And this is the same worthless chick that they had the NERVE to pay to be the face of Ungaro? DEAD. Real talk, they might as well have asked the homeless lady that that lives at the end #1 Train subway platform at the 168th Street stop. No offense…

On an upnote, the shameless starlet is going to let The Insider come in and film a ‘De-cluttering Lindsey’ special about her situation that’s scheduled to air next week. So I’ll get to watch the whole shit show up close and personal.

I. Can. Not. WAIT!

There’s nothing more frustrating than trying to lose those last five pounds. But can you imagine losing 280 pounds and STILL weighing 686 lbs??

YIKES.

Apparently, this British guy (who despite the weight loss still qualifies as the world’s heaviest man), Paul Mason lost the weight to qualify for a gastric bypass. So let’s all pray, he’ll be able to lose more weight pretty quickly…. But my God. Can you just imagine all the skin hanging off of his body when the weight is finally gone?? Can you see it, just layers like that Japanese dog breed the Shar-Pei.

DONE.

Oh but wait on it… before you start to feel bad for homeboy- I just read on some random Flickr post that dude (who is a former postman) was arrested and imprisoned for stealing mail. And while he was serving his sentence he lost mad weight. But since his release, he’s been chilling at home, living off of welfare and eats MAD junk food.

DEAD.

Hmm, there’s just so much tomfoolery going on in the world this Monday morning I don’t know where to start. Let’s see…


Ah-ha, looks like the TSA continues it’s tradition of hiring only the most qualified and upstanding individuals to protect our country’s borders- NOT. According to the Daily News, a 57-year old employee in the Orlando area was arrested for attempting to turn a 15 year-old girl into his sex slave. *crickets*

But wait on it… when this genius was brought in for questioning, he denies molesting her and insists that all he did was”grope” her. And just to prove his well meaning intentions, the admitted S&M oriented swinger said in a written statement that all he did was ASK her to be his sex slave. You know, not like he was gonna FORCE her or anything… Sigh.

So we’re all clear, this is who’s rifling through all the panties & bras in my carry-on luggage? Good to know, very good to know.

Wow. It never ceases to amaze me how bitterness, frustration and overall unhappiness can corrupt someone’s moral character. Like seriously, it’s not always easy being optimistic and positive. But the alternative is so damn frightening…


Case in point- Paul Shirley.

Apparently, this man was somewhat of a star basketball player at Iowa State that got drafted into the NBA for a very brief and not so noteworthy career that maxed out at 18 games and 33 points, with three different teams. And since then, has done nothing worth talking about except the occasional ESPN gig.

TRAGIC.

Clearly this is NOT how Mr. Shirley envisioned his life. And it’s seems safe to say, Mr. Shirley is probably walking around with a whole lot of pent up aggression and resentment towards any and everyone because of his own unrealized dreams.

I’m just saying…

Because this could be the ONLY reason anyone in their right mind with an OUNCE of education (and I’m seriously questioning the validity of that Iowa State degree) or basic home training could possible believe/ concoct the ignorant ass reasons that he posted on flipcollective.com for NOT donating to the victims in Haiti. Check it out the highlights:

“I haven’t donated a cent to the Haitian relief effort. And I probably will not.

I haven’t donated to the Haitian relief effort for the same reason that I don’t give money to homeless men on the street. Based on past experiences, I don’t think the guy with the sign that reads “Need You’re Help” is going to do anything constructive with the dollar I might give him. If I use history as my guide, I don’t think the people of Haiti will do much with my money either.

After the tsunami of 2004, the citizens of the world wailed and donated and volunteered for cleanup, rarely asking the important – and, I think, obvious – question: What were all those people doing there in the first place? Just as important: If they move back to a place near the ocean that had just been destroyed by a giant wave, shouldn’t our instinct be to say, “Go ahead if you want, but you’re on your own now.”?

We did the same after Hurricane Katrina. We were quick to vilify humans who were too slow to respond to the needs of victims, forgetting that the victims had built and maintained a major city below sea level in a known target zone for hurricanes. Our response: Make the same mistake again. Rebuild a doomed city, putting aside logic as we did.

And now, faced with a similar situation, it seems likely that we will do the same.”

He then continues the rant with this imaginary letter…

“Dear Haitians –

First of all, kudos on developing the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. Your commitment to human rights, infrastructure, and birth control should be applauded.

As we prepare to assist you in this difficult time, a polite request: If it’s possible, could you not re-build your island home in the image of its predecessor? Could you not resort to the creation of flimsy shanty- and shack-towns? And could some of you maybe use a condom once in a while?

Sincerely,

The Rest of the World”

DEAD.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion but at the very least, please make sure you have all the facts. It’s painfully clear that Paul Shirley has NO idea about the histories of ANY of the places that he so flippantly disregards nor has EVER a read a single world history book in his entire provincial life.

But on a more basic level, I’m just curious… who thinks like this? What kind of heartless individual could possibly witness ANY of these tragedies born out of NATURAL disasters- the tsunami, Hurricane Katrina or the Haitian earthquake- and then blame the victims? Who is your family Paul Shirley? Where does this type of disregard for human life breed? Or tell the truth, were you raised by wild ANIMALS??

I. Can. NOT.

Okay here’s the thing, when it comes to other folk’s relationships, I do my damdest not to judge. If you like it, I love it. If you love it, I adore it. I don’t know what compromises it takes for you to close your eyes and go to sleep peacefully next to that man/woman every night. And quite frankly, it’s NOT my business.

With that said; while I will never advocate or co-sign on the act of sleeping with/ dating someone who is legally married, I’d be a fool to think it doesn’t happen… Shoot, my some of the better people I know and love (heeey Dad!) have been perpetrators of this kind of selfish & thoughtless behavior. Unfortunately, it is what it is.

But by nature, humans are imperfect and bound to make mistakes. The important thing is: You live, you learn, in some cases you get divorced but above all you DISCREETLY move on.

Unfortunately, it seems that recently the concept of discretion has been lost on modern day women and men who practice of tricking. Sigh.

Exhibit A: The random ass, two-bit, former sidepiece of Charles E. Phillips — president of tech conglomerate Oracle and wait on it… a member of Obama’s Economic Recovery Advisory Board. Yeah, he’s THAT dude. (Somebody throw me in the coffin NOW, please)

Apparently after Phillips finally ended the 8.5 year long affair in a last ditch attempt to save his family and reconcile with his wife, this bish went and paid at least a quarter million for several BILLBOARD SIGNS across the COUNTRY (3 alone are in NYC. Check it out on the corner of W. 52nd and Broadway) showing pictures of two all hugged up and canoodling with statements that read: Charles & YaVuaghnie… I will love you forever. “

WOAH.

Phillip, Phillip, Phillip… oh buddy, the HATE in my heart for you. 8.5 years? You done stepped out on your wife & kids for EIGHT & A HALF years with a triflin’ chick crazy enough to plaster BILLBOARDS around the NATION?? Ultimately you are the one who’s most responsible for this madness. And you deserve EVERY sleepless night of embarrassment you endure Mr. Super Exec and Obama Advisory Board Member. You sir, are an unbelievably worthless man.

How-some-ever, instead of billboards I wish she would’ve messengered this info in a LETTER to every board member at Oracle and the Advisory board. Instead, his wife and kids must suffer this a heartbreaking public humiliation. Cause be clear, no matter what her reasons for staying in this train wreck of a situation, this woman has to wake up every day and swallow the fact that the man she married clearly didn’t love her enough to protect her and her children. And that is a bitter pill I hope that no one I care about EVER has to swallow.

And as for YaVaunie (and every other adultress reading this):
Hello??? YOU are the other woman. You know, as in NOT THE WIFE. Stay your no self-esteem having/ trashy-behind in ya lane! I don’t care how many times he says he loves you, you are not special. And no ho, they DON’T LEAVE their real families. So, stop trying to drag his entire everybody down in the crazy!

Plastering 3-foot tall billboards is not going to change ANYTHING. You WILLINGLY wasted 8.5 years of your life on someone not worth the phlem on the sole of your shoe. That was YOUR FAULT! Further embarrassing yourself buy putting up these signs and a website dedicted to the relationship is TRAGIC and PATHETIC.

And if it was MY damn husband? The Lord knows I’m trying to be a better person but… After I leave him scarred, penniless, and living in fear for his life under a ROCK somewhere, please believe I’m coming to kick your ass too!

Bet on that.

Just when you thought there was no commonsense at work in the world (Um, hello Massachusetts?) look how God will surprise you.



*and the choir starts to hum and sway*


DEAD FISH EYES

Okay… So essentially what you’re saying is that this grown ass man thought he could snatch up a stranger’s child, slap the baby 5-6 times and then just keep it moving to the checkout line?

CRICKETS

I’m starting to believe that kind of tomfoolery deserves its own category of criminal charges. You know, something like, reckless sense of entitlement while operating under the influence of ignorance. Yeah. Just. Like. That.

OMG, I think I just discovered who Beyonce has been stealing all of her recent leotard-clad video moves from.Umm-hmmm… Ladies and gents, I present to you- Miss Tandi Dupree!

DEAD.

Now if the intro doesn’t send you into spasms, please just wait on her little jog down the runway around 2:38 min.

AND STINKING.

When I tell you the fabulous Miss Dupree gave me LIFE on this dreary Tuesday morning??? Trust, I’m headed to the nearest costume store as you read this. Please do not be alarmed if you happen to see me sometime soon high-kicking and plopping down into splits at the drop of a dime on a corner near you.

You know, just for shits and giggles.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know today is the first work day of the new year/ decade but I gotta tell you- I’m so not for ready it. Seriously, I think my body may need another 24 hours to recover from the non-stop tomfoolery of the 2009 holiday festivities and this damn head cold that I seem to have picked up on Saturday night. Sigh.


Guess I still need to learn when to say when…

But before I go back to bed to stage a much-needed do-over, I wanted to share the news story about the ex-mayor of Lancashire in England who recently confessed to breaking into women’s homes and what? Stealing their underwear. *blank stare*

Mmm-hmm, apparently homeboy’s pantie raid lasted from January to June of last year. And at one point, it got so bad that not only were women going to the police about the number of missing garments but one woman actually went so far as to install a hidden camera in her bedroom. Can you imagine?

Uh-uh, Jesus take the wheel…

What is it about the last 4 days of the year that consistently sends me into a tizzy? It’s like, I woke up this morning and remembered a whole list of crap I SWORE I was going to get down before the end of 2009. And true to form, I have decided to make it ALL happen in the next 96 hours… or at least try really, really hard.


I exhaust myself.

Speaking of exhaustion, (as I’ve stated many times in the past) works a nerves more than that awful Gosselin clan. Mmm-hmm, Jon, Kate and yes, all eight of their funny looking kids- no offense.

Just when I thought we might make it out of 2009 without any more self-created drama from TLC’s former get-along-gang, here Jon goes- back in the freakin’ headlines. This time because his NYC apartment was allegedly ransacked from top to bottom by his ex-girlfriend Hailey Glassman. Um, really? Who cares? People’s apartments get broken into ALL the time. Doesn’t that fool have insurance?

And not for nothing, what exactly did he expect to happen when he put her out? Isn’t this the same chick that started out as a journalist but somewhere along the line tossed all her integrity to the side to get famous by screwing Jon?


Uh-huh. *blank stare with three SLOOOOOOOOW blinks*

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