Mitzi Moments

Category: it’s not a game out there

you can bet on that…

By on February 2, 2009 in honorary white woman, it's not a game out there, pocket full of dirty tissue

Okay seriously? These pinktoes are outta hand, you hear me? Let a little economy crunch come along and they can’t handle the stress AT ALL. Just turning on each other like a barrell of crabs, I tell you.

Why did ‘ole girl show up to her own sister’s wedding reception UNINVITED and then proceed to WHOOP that ass in front of family and guests??? I’m talking old school style- she dragged her sister to the ground, punched her in the head and proceeded to rip out tufts of hair for good measure!
Cause the Lord knows I love Maury as much as the next trash TV obsessed viewer but this right here is damn near beyond Jerry Springer/ trailer park/ coal miner’s daughter type behavior.
Not for nothing, $5 says the sister’s new husband is Annemarie’s ex-boyfriend/ good for nothing baby daddy. And he probably forgot to tell her that they were broken up. Mmm-hmmm, don’t trip. You know you were thinking the same exact thing…

just can’t see it…

By on January 12, 2009 in it's not a game out there, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out

Every once in a while, I’ll hear about a crime that is so unbelievably heinous it makes me physically ill. And this comes from the mouth of an admittedly jaded New Yorker, so you know.

And although I’ve never been the free-wheeling death penalty advocate, there are certain instances where I wholeheartedly believe some folks just need to go back to God and stage a do-over on life. You know, not just for me and society but really, for their own good. And err-um, Andre Thomas… It’s your time dude.

First, back in March 2004 this fool confessed to stabbing his estranged wife, their young son and her 13-month-old daughter to death. Mind you, he also ripped out all of their hearts. Yeah, as in cut open and pulled out.

Then while awaiting trial, Mr. Thomas yanked out his left eye out of the socket. Yes sir, pulled that mo-fu OUT with his own hands. Sick yet?

No? Well how ’bout this- Apparently last week the deranged psycho finally finished the job. He snatched out his remaining eye and ATE that shit. READ: chewed and swallowed it.

Po-po said that when they finally found him, dude’s face was COVERED in blood (feel free to insert image of me screaming my own head off as I read this).

Mmm-hmmm, barf bags are located in the seat pockets directly in front of you.

But the best part? It’s only NOW that the authorities want to send this looney tune to a mental institution. So lemme get htis straight? Ya’ll JUST now realized his was mentally ill? Uh-uh. Forget the war, we gonna need education reform RIGHT NOW. Cause the people in charge are beyond stoopid.

I mean, at this point we can forget the padded room. They need to special order rush that ass to the electric chair! I dare you to find ONE person who won’t co-sign on a take-two. Shiiieeet. GOOD LUCK.

damn indian-givers…

By on January 8, 2009 in it's not a game out there, made for the maury show, Mitzi- all day every day, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Okay Dr. Richard Batista, you listen up. I don’t know what kinda God-complex you’re working with over there in Long Island but just in case no one around you has the god-given COMMONSENSE to keep it real with you, let me be the first.

Here is what you will NOT, I repeat, you WILL NOT be doing in 2009: Suing your ex-wife to get back the kidney that you donated to her while you two were married. NO SIR, not today, tomorrow or EVER, EVER.

Just because your ex-wife had an affair, it does not entitle you to have your kidney back. Be clear, I ain’t saying the cheating wasn’t messed up. Especially after you basically saved her life and whatnot but forreal, forreal? You need to get it TOGETHER.
This ain’t no freaking playground. You can’t get mad and snatch back your toys cause your little feelings got hurt. IDIOT.
Even if I wasn’t a transplant survivor (which I am), I’d be sucking my two front- teeth and giving you the ice cold side-eye. Yes, you and the ambulance chasing- cracker jack box degree having-lawyer that fixed his face to tell you this was a viable case. Talking ’bout you want your kidney or 1.5 million dollars. Shiiiieeeeet. I wish somebody would…

Both of ya’ll need to go sit your behinds down somewhere. Like, NOW.

we made it…

By on January 2, 2009 in it's not a game out there, keep hope alive, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget

In case I haven’t gotten around to speaking to you personally, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! My 2009 bring you and yours continued health, happiness and prosperity! (And yes, there was silly string at the NYE party!)

And in the spirit of the new year here the single resolution that I hope we will ALL keep:
NO more belly-aching or complaining.
If a Black man named freaking Barack Obama could figure out how to get elected to the Presidential office of this crazy ass country then there is NO EXCUSES for why WE all can’t succeed at whatever our hearts desire.

LET’S GET IT POPPIN’ PEOPLE!!

turn it off and shut your mouth

By on December 28, 2008 in it's not a game out there, made for the maury show

So we can all agree that there’s very little more annoying than the people who think its okay to make noise in the theater during a movie. With zero shame, I have shushed (is that even a word?) the shit out of more than one uruly gaggle of teens. For the record, I never thought twice about tossing a snotty comment or two about the obvious lack of home training in the direction of the noisemakers. And if its really, really bad (cause sometimes it’s like that uptown) I’m quick to send my date to snag the manager and have those fools tossed the hell out.

So as you can see, I am very protective of my little $10.50 investment. But there is, as Elsa likes to say, a limit to the stupidity. And for the record, it is not acceptable, I repeat NOT ACCEPTABLE- to SHOOT people over a damn movie.

No sir James Joseph Cialella, contrary to popular news reports Philly is not the wild, wild, West. There will be no popping off at folks just because you can’t hear what Rosario Dawson whispered to Will Smith at that crucial moment in the opening scene. Do you hear me? You’d better pull it together white boy!

i’ll pass…

By on December 22, 2008 in it's not a game out there, keep hope alive, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget

Uh-huh all you “I’m-healthier-than-thou-because-I-eat-sushi-and-do pilates” people better watch yourselves. Apparently everyone’s favorite anal agent, actor Jeremy Piven aka ‘Ari’ from HBO’s Entourage was recently hospitalized from the elevated levels of mercury in his diet. And doctors are blaming his illness on the large amount of fish in his diet. Forreal, dude had to withdraw from ‘Speed-the-Plow,the Broadway play he was starring in and the whole nine. God grief. Is the salmon and swordfish that serious?

Mmm-hmm, that’s why I’m sticking to the roasted chicken from my local Dominican takeout. Cause the only thing you ever get from El Malecon is overcharged.

on second thought…

By on December 16, 2008 in going to hell in a handbasket, it's not a game out there

Okay, so 77% are down to comfortable using toys/ games with our partners. Can’t say that I’m really surprised. Considering the world we live in, I’m willing to bet that the majority of the 22% whom responded not so much, only said that because they’re too chicken to bring it up themselves and no one’s suggested yet.

You know, kinda like the quiet “good” girls who are really just waiting for any boy to look their way so the slut out missions can commence?

In hindsight, a more interesting question might have been, have you ever tried to get it popping with the toys and totally get shut down? Read: your partner freezes up and looks like you suggested inviting his/her mom into a 3-some? Talk about akward.
And if so, how the heck do you recover from that? Do you simply laugh and say, ‘Just kidding’ really fast? Cause the way I see it, if the person feels all offended like your suggestion is a personal insult (i.e ” I don’t play those reindeer games! I can’t believe you think I’m that type of guy/girl!!!”), the whole hook-up could be a wrap. Forreal, forreal…

i die…

By on December 11, 2008 in it's not a game out there

You know what? Rich people K-I-L-L me!

Why is there an article in today’s New York Times about people with money who feel too guilty to be seen carrying too many high end shopping bags because of this whole annoying ‘recession thing’??? Wait on it… Rather than reduce the gratuitous consumption; these chicks have gone underground!
Instead, they are choosing to shop at private showroom sales in random hotel rooms and apartments around the city-with armed security at the doors. Um, okay Harriet…
And I quote… “‘These people felt as if they belonged to a club,’ Ms. Stratton-Norris said, ‘one that caters to their tastes and where they could meet like-minded people.’ Socially at ease, they were free to indulge an acquisitive streak, ‘not embarrassed to purchase in multiples or to tell me, I’ll have one of these in every color.’ ” Do you want one in every color Buffy? Really? HILARIOUS.

Not for nothing, but doesn’t this remind you of those secret swinger societies? I can see it now… shop first, exchange husbands later. Umm-hmmm, you know I’m on to something.

need to start using that tivo…

By on December 9, 2008 in it's not a game out there

So funny, I was just thinking how much I missed watching The Wire. Lord knows, I lived for those last two seasons!

And then, the NYT news alert about Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich being arrested and charged with corruption, including an allegation that he conspired to profit from his authority to appoint President-elect Barack Obama’s successor in the United States Senate popped up in the ever full inbox. Go figure.

So according to the 76-page affidavit, this dude was “heard on wiretaps over the last month planning to “sell or trade Illinois’ United States Senate seat vacated by Pres-elect Barack Obama for financial and personal benefits for himself and his wife.” And he got extra, extra gangster with the press, threatening “to withhold state assistance from the Tribune Company, the publisher of the Chicago Tribune and Los Angeles Times, which filed for bankruptcy on Monday.” Why? Because according to the feds, “Mr. Blagojevich wanted members of the Tribune’s editorial board, who had criticized him, to be fired before he extended any state assistance.” Word? It’s like that?

Poor pinktoe, did you not learn anything from Avon Barksdale?

omigod, this is crazy…

By on November 4, 2008 in it's not a game out there

I just spoke with my girl Fatima who lives in Atlanta and decided to vote early. She went online to verify that her vote had been recorded and IT HADN’T!!! I’m DEAD SERIOUS. She’s been on the phone for the past two days getting the run around from the election board about it.

And the same thing happened to her sister’s boyfriend. But he decided to go back to the poll to ask what had happened. When he arrived, they told him that a certain percentage of the votes cast had not counted and that they were calling people to tell them to come back. HE NEVER RECEIVED A CALL.

PLEASE ASK EVERYONE YOU KNOW WHO VOTED EARLY TO GO ONLINE AND MAKE SURE THAT THEIR VOTE WAS COUNTED.

If they can’t be bothered, do it for them!!! And if you discover a problem (in GA), call 866-OUR-VOTE immediately.

This is too serious for us to have it stolen. Every vote counts!

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