i die | Mitzi Moments

the real king of new york…

By Mitzi on July 29, 2009 in end of days, i die, it takes a village, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out, that sense of entitlement

Wait a minute, why is Mayor Bloomberg so freakin’ GANGSTA??

According to this morning’s NYT, since Bloomberg Administration has not been able to curtail or reduce the problem of overcrowding in the city shelters over the past two terms they’ve now resorted to KICKING non-native homeless families up out of the city. Yes sir… On some real live, ‘No. Actually, you can’t make it here. So please proceed to carry your ass the hell on back to wherever you came from.’

Okay well maybe they’re not saying it like exactly that… But the good Mayor is funding a voucher program that “offers” to send entire homeless families anywhere outside of New York City a relative is willing to take them in. Mmm-hmmm…

And apparently there is no limit on how far these displaced families can go. To date, one-way tickets have been purchased to 24 states and 5 continents including: Paris, Johannesburg, Orlando, San Juan and the list goes on.

But my favorite part? They wanna act like they care about the well being of the families and that this not about getting the number of homeless down so that he can have a justifiable reason for seeking a third term. talking ’bout it’s all voluntary and that “once a family leaves New York, homeless service officials follow up with a phone call to make sure they arrive safely, then make a few more calls over the next two to three weeks.” Um, somebody please feel free to insert the hard side-eye cause I. Can’t. Take. It.

All I’m saying is… if it saves me tax dollars, I’m for damn sure not mad. But I see you Mike. I see you.

may the GAP be with you…

By Mitzi on July 1, 2009 in i die, keep hope alive, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, using our powers for good

Random: so the other day I received an email from a unknown marketing company rep named Justine asking whether I’d be interested in becoming a Gap Brand Enthusiast. According to her email, somehow or another, they’d stumbled on my blog, enjoyed the tomfoolery and wanted to see if I was down to test out the new ‘Born To Fit’ line of GAP jeans before they hit the stores this fall for, wait on it… FREE.

Oh please believe, I just knew this was one of those African-money-laundering-pyramid schemes. Not to mention that I haven’t comfortably fit into a pair of GAP jeans since I was in freaking college. But then I reconsidered and was like what the hell? Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

Turns out that not only is this operation very legit but in addition to the jeans, if selected (of course there’s a whole process) not only will I get to try out the new jeans, but for the next year I’ll also get all the latest and greatest releases from GAP!!

Err-umm free clothes for a year in the middle of a recession? Can the church get an amen???

Then wait on it… to sweeten the deal, Justine ends the meeting by taking me shopping for an outfit at the nearby GAP store!! I copped the most comfy summer weight cardigan (I’m actually wearing it in my profile photo), a great pair of linen trousers, a pretty gray sweater top that you will probably be seeing on TV sometime sooner or later and a silk tank top that’s gonna be hot to death with my white jeans. Mmm-hmmm, just like that.

So anyhoo, we shall see. I assume that they’ll be making their decision within the month. Fingers crossed… If nothing else, THANKS JUSTINE. This post is for you.

reminds me of my honey days…

By Mitzi on June 15, 2009 in desperate cry for help, i die, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

It’s been a long while since I’ve come across a blog that I kid you not, makes me want to pee my pants. You know the ones that are so good you can’t help but stop whatever you were supposed to be doing (like work) read every single, solitary entry from wherever it starts until the very end?

But then, lo and behold- StopnReflect.com

There are no words for the tomfoolery that is this website dedicated to the fashion tragedies that occur New York City. I implore each and everyone to take a minute and check it out.

Oh and by the way, you now owe me a good laugh.

exhibit a…

By Mitzi on April 30, 2009 in i die, it's not a game out there, keep hope alive, Mitzi- all day every day, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

See now, I wasn’t even going to say anything about this swine flu madness. ‘Cause as far as I’m concerned there’s some new fangled Killer African Bee, SARS, Cow-Foot-Head disease popping up on CNN just about every six months or so…

And between you and me, I think that if certain folks would learn how to cover their mouths and use a little hand disinfectant, half of these problems would be solved. But that’s just my humble opinion.

But THEN I read this article in the NYTimes that set off my spidey senses. It basically details how experts are now trying to blame the whole health crisis on this poor little 5 year-old Mexican boy. Talking bout, “The government has identified Édgar Hernadez as the first person in Mexico to have become infected with a virulent strain of the swine flu.” Seriously?

Not for nothing, but doesn’t this sound very much like the whole- AIDS started in Africa from people who were having sex with monkeys hypothesis? Yeah, thought so. $50 bucks says the Mexican government just needed someone to throw under the bus to keep the World Health Organization off their backs. So naturally, they choose the lowest common denominator- a poor, illiterate family and their kid. So. Not. Cool.

You look at the picture and do the math. Err-um, keep it real. We ALL know where this pandemic really, really started…

say it loud…

By Mitzi on April 16, 2009 in desperate cry for help, i die, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

Oh-wee, it’s a hard time to be a white woman, huh?

First, old girl in Florida shot the back of her son’s head off to “save his soul.”

Then poor Luan De Lesseps, the countess on “The Real Housewives of New York” (the tall, funny acting chick who used to be a regular ass nurse in CT until she landed the hubby and then got all brand new on folks), was informed via email that her gravy train was leaving her for a much younger woman of (gasp) color. Which really, really sucks when she’s got this new autobiographical etiquette guide entitled Class With the Countess: How To Live With Elegance & Flair to promote (because clearly they’re giving away book deals like water). And wait on it… why is the book all about how seduce and hang on to a man. Hilarity!!

And now, on the other side of the country, the patron saint of poor white trash Gov. Sarah Palin is catching a bad one back in Alaska. In addition to the ongoing public fighting with a freaking 19 year-old kid just cause he knocked up your fast ass daughter and left her and the baby high and dry to do appearances on Tyra; apparently her fellow lawmakers aren’t feeling her new ambitious attitude at all. Um, you giving speeches in Indiana while folks is trapped in Juneau trying to balance the state’s budget?? No maam. Them rednecks ain’t having it. In response, they’ve stripped a bunch of her little pet projects like the natural gas pipeline from the proposed Senate budget and started talked junk to whoever will listen. Uh-huh, just like that….

What can I say? Jesus be the melanin that sets me free.

where are the flashlight cops when u need them…

By Mitzi on April 9, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, i die, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out, too old for the road

Okay normally there is nothing funny about a suicide. I repeat, nothing funny. But the keyword in the previous phrase would be NORMALLY.

Yesterday afternoon, a 50 year-old woman jumped to her death from the third floor of the Queens Center Mall atrium and wait on it… LANDED on a 17 year-old high school kid down below!!

Apparently Derrick Munoz and his girlfriend were reclining in some leather massage chairs when ‘ole girl landed dead on his head and knocked him THE FUCK OUT. Mmm-hmmm… And you know Jesus got jokes when the sign on the back of the chair said, “Sit back and relax.”

Not SIT BACK and RELAX!!!

OK, on the forreal, forreal, who does something like this? Who jumps over the banister in a crowded mall? And from the 3rd floor? Come on now ma, you weren’t even going hard. I know you know somebody with a balcony on the top floor of one of those 30-story project housing buildings. If it’s your last statement, why not make it count? Sigh, unbelievable.

Thankfully, poor Derrick finally regained consciousness in the ambulance en route to the hospital. And aside from a large gash on his head there were no other visible signs of injury.

Ding, ding, ding…

too much time and money…

By Mitzi on March 2, 2009 in i die, it's not a game out there, the internet is the devil

Err-um, can someone please explain to me WHY a bra for men has become the hottest selling men’s underwear item on a new Japanese lingerie e-commerce site?

No forreal, forreal. I mean, those of us who have had the pleasure of visiting Japan or shoot, even strolling around Soho on a sunny Sat will agree that young Japanese women and men tend to be a little more… How shall I put it? Um, fashion forward in their clothing combo choices than most? But this right here is taking it to the limit.

Puh-lease watch this Reuters video report. How crazy does this man sound, talking about he likes the tightness and the feel? Lord…

Jesus ring the bell, I’m tagging out.

Happy MLK Day…

By Mitzi on January 19, 2009 in i die, Mitzi- all day every day

Okay naturally of all the things I could’ve forgetten to pack, the cable cord for my camera is the one. So there won’t be any pictures of the weekend until I get back. But I will tell you this: Contrary to all the media forcasts, DC is NOT a madhouse.

BUT what the media isn’t telling you is- we are having a FANTABULOUS time. I mean, the folks are out in every shape, color, and possible length of fur coat. And everyone is HYPE. It sounds super corny but the air feels electric witht he anticipation.

Every time we drive past the Capitol building, I catch my breath. Of course, that could be the trobbing in my meet from all the dancing that I’ve been doing as well… Regardless,it’s all worth it. this is so much better than I could’ve imagined.

YES. WE. DID.

more slaps and less time-outs…

By Mitzi on January 6, 2009 in i die, i'm not ready to be a grandmother, it's in the genes, made for the maury show

Will somebody puh-lease explain to me what in the unholy-unsupervised-destined for jail-BeBe’s kids hell is going on in this world?

According to the AP, a four-year old boy in southern Ohio purposely shot his baby-sitter. Yup you read that correctly. But wait on it… the pre-schooler didn’t do it because the sitter was, oh I don’t know, physically/ sexually abusing him or something horrible like that. No, that would’ve been too much like right. This fool shot his sitter because the 18 year-old accidentally stepped on his foot!!! WTF!?!?!?!?

WHO THE HELL IS THIS KID??? Damn Scarface reincarnated? Lil’ dude isn’t even in kindergarten. He probably doesn’t even know his ABC’s or how to count past the number 20… And yet this pint-sized psychopath is popping off at the age of FOUR?? Uh-uh.

If you ask me, his parents need to be the first ones locked up under the jail from now until forever. Mmm-hmmm.

‘Cause why was there a loaded gun laying around in the crib where a four year-old can reach it? And since it’s obviously one of those households where the TV not the adults educate the children-what in the world kind of violent ass shows and video games did they expose him to?

Oh and as for that little mo-fu? His ass needs Jesus.

Damn a juvenile hall. He needs to be locked up in a monastery far, far away with jedi-master monks that can read his mind. And will KARATE CHOP THAT ASS every time he even dreams about doing something out-of-pocket.

It’s officially the end of days. Someone please pull the little red wagon around, I’m tagging out.

i want popcorn and gummy bears and…

By Mitzi on December 23, 2008 in i die, pocket full of dirty tissue

I’m not the bigest movie goer. Call me cheap but there’s something about paying damn near $12 to watcha movie that I preview for free through some random hook-up (’cause there’s always a hook-up) or worse case scenerio, wait four months and get for like $1.75 through my NETFLIX membership. To make matters worse, there haven’t really been any recent releases in I don’t know, oh the past five YEARS that’s seemed worth half the effort of picking a theater, selecting a showtime, coordinating with friends and busting my ass in enough time to get a good seat. Bottom line? That $12 could just as easily go towards a much needed manicure at the Chinese spot up the block.

But I have to say, this Christmas, I’m actually excited about a bunch of new releases. I am dying to see Slumdog Millionaire! Forget all the fantastic buzz and rave reviews, there’s enough angst in those promo posters alone to make me feel like I’m PMSing. And can we talk about Doubt, Milk, The Wrestler and Rachel Getting Married? Oh god- the drama, the righteous cause, the blood and the drugs! It’s as if I’m a little kid just saw the commericial for E.T.! I’m literally squealing in anticipation… Mmm-hmm, total immaturity overload.

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