i die | Mitzi Moments

stealin’ sneakers from behind the speakers…

By Mitzi on July 26, 2010 in desperate cry for help, end of days, i die, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out, too old for the road, why we as a people can't get ahead

So I started out the day thinking, “Wow. I really need to say an extra prayer for President Obama. ‘Cause it seems like every other day it’s something else. If it’s not the recession, health care, BP’s oil spill or an improper firing of an official then it’s the leaking of classified military documents that make the entire administration look CRAZY for A) allowing top secret info to get out and B) continuing to send our soldiers into a war that we obviously cannot win. It’s too much.

BUT THEN, I saw the senseless tragedy that are the pics of Foxy Brown from her performance at B.B. Kings on TheYBF.com…

Umm.

First of all, who are her family and friends? Because aside the fact that some fool co-signed on the idea of a wearing brown leather mini in the middle of July- as a woman, I can take one look at this ridiculous contraption and know that she needed about two or three strong people to help squeeze her fat ass into it. So before I even go a sentence further, be very, very clear, whomever those people are- they HATE her. HATE.

Now beyond the obvious treachery, what the hell happened to her body? I’m not saying people aren’t allowed to gain weight. Especially since Foxy has clearly been on a permanent hiatus since Jay-Z stopped hitting her off with lyrics and whatever else your dirty little minds can imagine. DEAD FISH EYES. But forreal? What in the lopsided hell happened to Inga? About the skinny chicken legs, multiple Michelin tires around the waist, fat boobs hanging out around her belly button and still no eyebrows in 2010? Uh, uh Ms. Marchand, no bueno.

And the absolutely worst part to me? WHAT’S GOING ON WITH HER TEETH?? Why in the world is it all dark, black and empty where her back molars should be?? AAAHHHHH! And ya’ll already know, how I feel about the dentist… *gags* But I’ll tell you what, this rotten tooth smile nonsense right here makes me want to bump appointment up to like, tomorrow.

I mean… I’m just so sad. It’s so awful how far she’s fallen. SMH. Perhaps we should all just be thankful that her cotton panties match her nail polish.

No? Not going for that? *kanye shrug* Fuckkit. At least I tried…

*cues Brand Nubian’s ‘Slow Down’ and turns it ALL the way up*

yo, where are his clothes…

By Mitzi on July 20, 2010 in end of days, i die, it's in the genes, made for the maury show, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Oh. My. GOD. This video is so many things, and every last one a damn shame.

Real talk? Can’t nobody tell me that YouTube wasn’t created by the devil explicitly to drive people to commit social suicide. The. End.

“Can I be the one that hold you dooooown? Can I be the one that hold you doooown? “

Err-um 50 Tyson, wherever your mumble mouth ass is “uptown in Minnesota,” puh-lease stop the madness. Not now but RIGHT now. Sounding like a cross between an severely injured basset hound and a freshly paroled rapist on the prowl… Dude, neither this nor any of the SEVENTEEN other videos you got posted are the business.

Oh and just so you know, I blame the ENTIRE Republican party for this shit right here.

Mmm-hmm… Had they voted to extend jobless aid, this fool could’ve paid somebody to give him a shirt and clue. But no. Instead of looking for a job that requires the intelligence of a 1st grader, this neanderthal is spending his days trolling through the woods, looking like a mentally challenged serial killer, screeching made-up songs and threatening radio station djs.

(And all foolishness aside, this is the kind of illiterate nonsense that those crazy ass TeaBaggers play at their recruitment rallies to get hype. SMH. We have got to do better folks.)

*drops to my knees and prays*

this aint a movie dawg…

By Mitzi on June 11, 2010 in end of days, i die, made for the maury show, why we as a people can't get ahead

Have I got a story for you…

So apparently my homegirl MB went out with some friend of hers that she hadn’t seen in a minute on Wednesday night. Naturally, the night went long and the number of drinks prob added up. No judgement. At the end of the wonderful evening the two young ladies went their individual ways. Everyone got home safely.

Now, the next morning MB’s homegirl wakes up a little hazy on whether she closed her car door BUT she distinctly recalls clicking the alarm. You know how the oddest details will stick in your mind the morning after a good time but you can’t remember major stuff? Like you won’t have the faintest idea what the name the person you were making out all night with but you’ll remember they had on a really nice watch? Exaactly.

Much to MB’s friend’s relief her SUV is in the same place she left it the night before. Praise god for the little things, right?

Anyhoo, she gets in her car. And almost immediately, she notices a distinctly sour odor. Like any normal person, she starts looking around the passenger side floor to see if she spilled any food the night before. Nope. Nothing. So she’s like okay well, maybe I just need some ventilation in here. She starts the car and opens all the window. Running a little late at this point, she makes mental note to hit the car was, gets herself together and begins to back the car out of the parking spot. Homegirl looks up in the rear view mirror…

AND SEES A FREAKING HOMELESS MAN DEAD ASLEEP IN THE BACKSEAT OF HER TRUCK.

*throws up in mouth while simultaneously dying of fright*

Mind you, this negro wasn’t sorta sleep. His ass had figured out how to lay the 2nd row of seats down so he could be SPRAWLED the hell out across the back of her car!!!

Can you f’kin’ imagine?? Honestly, I would’ve pissed in my pants if that ‘ish happened to me. And worse you done closed the door and locked yourself in with the seat belt?? OH HELLS NO!!!

I’m happy to report that MB’s girl is much more courageous than I. ‘Cause instead of pissing on herself or even calling the police, she was focused. She simply jumped out the car and started screaming at dude to get the hell out of her whip. Which he did… slowly. Talking about, ‘My bad. The door was open and I was tired.’

Um, I’m sorry. Did he just say, he was tired?

BLANK STARE W/ 3 LOOOONG BLINKS

See, this the kinda bullshit urban legends are made of. And like I told, MB- I’m just glad that dude was a hard sleeper. Cause can you imagine if he woke up before she looked up in the rear view mirror??? SMH.

senselesstragedy.com

stolen scene from stand by me…

By Mitzi on May 26, 2010 in end of days, i die, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out

OMG, as if yesterday’s bus driver and spit situation wasn’t enough to make me wanna dry heave, then I clicked on ESPN.com and read about the 21 year-old freak from New Jersey who just got sentenced for VOMITING on a off-duty police officer and his 11 year-old daughter at a Phillies game back in April.

*back-flips in an open casket*

According to various reports, this fat, nasty mo-f’ker and his homeboy decided to get drunk beyond belief at the baseball game. Then Dumb and Dumber started needlessly harassing the people sitting in front of them. Unfortunately, those people just so happened to be Easton, PA Police Captain Michael Vangelo and his two daughters, aged 15 and 11.

So anyhoo, after a couple of innings of cussing, spilling beer and all around ridiculous behavior, the 15 year-old turned around and asked the two to stop. Well don’t you know, in response Clemmen’s buddy decided to spit on her???

*flatline*

But wait on it… In what can only be described as an epic show of restraint, the cop did NOT kick homeboy’s ass. BLANK STARE. No, instead he calmly went and got an park usher and had Clemmen’s buddy booted from the stadium. (Yeah, I don’t know those type of good samaritans either).

So in retaliation, this worthless bottom feeder starts yelling about how he’s gonna be sick, sicks not one but TWO fingers down his throat and BARFED on the cop and his 11 year-old daughter. Then starts starts throwing mad sucker punches at the cop.

*raises from the dead to kill myself again*

BUT WAIT ON IT… so another off duty-cop intervenes, breaks up the fight and restrains Clemmens until the actual Philly police arrived. At which point, this failed abortion (yeah, I said it) straight UP-CHUCKED on another cop.

*seals the bedazzled Walmart casket with super strength Elmer’s Glue*

PS. the ONLY encouraging thing that I can report about as it relates to this entire story is that is you look really, really closely at the tiny mugshot I was able to find, dude has a crazy black eye. Here’s hoping there was more of that to come after they took the mugshot.

keep ya enemies close…

By Mitzi on April 12, 2010 in desperate cry for help, end of days, i die, keep hope alive, using our powers for good, work it white girl

I went to bed thinking that I was going to HAVE to write today’s post about the ridiculousness that is the new VH1 reality show, Basketball Wives. I mean, how can the show honestly say it offers an insider’s view of the trials & tribulations that accompany marriage to a high profile basketball player when only one of the six participants is married. And even more importantly, I don’t recognize her husband at ALL (shoot, there’s not even a wikipedia entry on dude).

BLANK STARE

Seems like the show should be described as an insider’s view of NBA bitterest baby mamas, ex-girlfriends, ex-fiancees and ex-wives. Cause it certainly looks like the game got the best of this group of women. I don’t care how much money or plastic surgery you have, it won’t ever disguise that run-thru / over-compromised appearance of woman whose been used up in her prime and discarded with zero respect. I’m just saying.

But THEN, I saw the CNN news story about the latest beef between the United States State Department and the Russia Government. Apparently Russia is threatening to shut down ALL adoptions to families in America not now but RIGHT NOW. Why you ask?

Well, apparently some random white couple in middle America decided that the 7-year old Russian kid they adopted was some type of violent psychopath. Talking about the little boy had a list of people that he wanted to hurt and number one on the list was his American mom.

WOAH

And so they what? Sent that little serial killer right back to the motherland all by his damn self. Mmm-hmm… just. like. that. But wait on it… Before putting him on the plane the adoptive father, Torry Hansen packed a one-sentence note in homeboy’s backpack talking about:

“I am sorry to say that for the safety of my family, friends and myself I no longer wish to parent this child.”

OMG, if this ain’t the damn storyline from Orphan, I don’t know what it is. SMH. Tell you what, I’ll take me a little knucklehead from the hood a million times over before I start searching for some damn foreign baby that can’t even say I hate you in English. No offense.

*starts tossing holy water like I’m popping champagne*

$95,000 ain’t worth spit…

By Mitzi on March 18, 2010 in end of days, i die, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Jesus, it sucks to be Sandra Bullock today. Cause not for nothing, having your husband’s affair with the trashy tattoo-covered stripper/ wanna-be hairdresser as the lead story of every major news outlet cannot feel good. Especially after that heartfelt shout out Sandra gave Jesse when robbed Gabourey for the Oscar. You remember… “I love you so much and you are really hot. I want you so much.” Uh-huh, exactly.

But before you start to cry a river for Miss Congeniality, be sure to save a few for Anthony McCoy, the Tennessee man who was arrested for not paying his child support. During the booking process, homeboy had his gold fronts (mind you, these were the permanent kind that are attached by dental glue) RIPPED from his mouth by a pissy police officer because she didn’t think they were appropriate for his mugshot. You did see where I wrote, right? RIPPED from his mouth. Pause. How crazy is that? According to his lawyer, in addition to the golds, LAYERS of enamel and small pieces of the gum line were pulled off during the ordeal as well.

* gags uncontrollably*

Now, I’m so not not a fan of men that refuse to pay child support but this ‘ish is beyond barbaric. Who does stuff like this? In her defense, I guess the police officer thought he was lying about the fronts being removable but still…

Once the man’s mouth filled with BLOOD and TISSUE, it’s obvious she was wrong. But wait on it… instead of admitting an error she simply tossed him a garbage can to spit inside. And then all the correction officers at the jail where he was held (cause they didn’t let him go) denied his repeated requests for medical attention for TEN freaking DAYS???

SILENCE (with mouth firmly shut)

Can you even imagine the kind of pain this man was in???? Good Lord. I get nervous if the dentist scrapes too hard during my bi-yearly cleaning. To suffer through something like that, I’d probably die. No. I take that back. I’d definitely die.

the new kanye…

By Mitzi on March 8, 2010 in going to hell in a handbasket, i die, it's in the genes, love be a cellulite cream, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out

On a whole, I didn’t necessarily dislike the Oscars so much as I felt they were extremely predictable. We all knew Mo’Nique was going to receive a well deserved win and with all the backlash from his notoriously messy divorce and Svengali ways swirling, I also kinda understood it was time for James Cameron to take an L. And quite honestly, I didn’t love most of the dresses… Um, Zoe’s too big purple Can-Can dress? No thank you.

But one thing or rather person I was SO not prepared for was Elinor Burkett, the out-of-control, chubby Willy Wonka looking white woman who bumrushed the stage and pulled a straight Kanye on hapless director-producer, Roger Ross-Williams. No sir, that one COMPLETELY caught me off guard.

Just as the poor guy was about to start speaking, out of nowhere this busty red-head snatched the mic and began to talk over him. LOUDLY. And unlike Kanye, this bish didn’t even give the mc back, Nope, she keep it going till the traveling music started to play.

*crickets*

It’s being reported that Burkett was one of the original producers of the winner of the Best Doc Short Award, “Music by Prudence,” follows Prudence, a disabled woman in Zimbabwe with an incredible singing voice. And that Williams and she had some sort of fall out over the direction of the film and was removed. A year ago.

*Dead Fish Eyes*

All I’m saying is, all’s fair is entertainment and humiliation. And if the entire world can hold a grudge against Kanye and stay crying a river for poor Taylor Swift, then there better be some tears shed for ‘ole dude. READ: Either Rog is now entitled to have his own best year EVER with folks just GIVING him project money and film awards whether he actually has a anything work producing (just like they GAVE Taylor Swift’s semi-talented ass all those Grammys) or I don’t wanna see this chick at another Oscar ceremony for at least the next 5 years. The End.

PS. Peep how in the very beginning Mama Williams blocked Burkett from getting out of the aisle and following behind her son. HEE-Larious!

not safe for work or damn near anywhere else…

By Mitzi on February 26, 2010 in end of days, i die, made for the maury show, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Oh Lord, I’m so confused. Somebody, anybody, help me please.

What in the unholy HELL is this CHILD doing in this video?? Really? With the the black socks/ sneaker combo and one leg up? Oh-uh-uh… And wait on it- all those dingy looking sheets and comforters in the background?

*starts tossing bleach like I’m Puff poppin’ champagne*

All I can say is, Jesus be the ass whooping I would put on this overgrown teenager if he was my child. WORD.

Oh and when you pull your face off the floor, feel free to thank Freshalina for the laughs HERE

is this was mickey taught you…

By Mitzi on February 5, 2010 in i die, made for the maury show, that sense of entitlement, work it white girl

OH God! I knew it, I knew!!

Triflin’-ass Lindsay Lohan is a HOARDER!

Don’t believe me? Just check out the first of Extra Insider’s two-part special w/ co-host Niecy Nash (who is so freakin’ condescending/ annoying, she made me want to strangle the breath out of her and that ridiculous looking wig).

Mmm-hmmm, Jesus be the Goodwill truck waiting outside with the engine running. ‘Cause Lindsay’s place seriously has more shit than an outhouse crapper!

If I was one of her neighbors, I’d be trying to get that hooker evicted IMMEDIATELY. Just on GP. It’s like as if your constant reckless behavior and blatant drug abuse weren’t enough, now you’re bringing filth-flarn-filth to the building where folks pay waaay too much money to live as it is? Oh HELLS naw!

Survey says, FAIL.

Oh and you must know it’s train wreck when I’m so caught up in the nastiness of her condo that I can’t find the energy to discuss what all that plastic surgery has done to her face. Looking like Laura Flynn Boyle’s illegitimate blonde-haired daughter.

I’m going to take a shower.

psst, hey Bey…

By Mitzi on February 5, 2010 in i die, Mitzi- all day every day, using our powers for good, work it white girl

OMG, how did I miss this?? I freakin’ LOVE this white woman!! No seriously, I will forever have a special spot in my heart for Chelsea Handler thanks to this dead-on tirade about Beyonce’s performance at this year’s Grammy Award Show.

Girl Crush Proper.

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