Mitzi Moments

Category: i die

i see dirty people…

By on February 4, 2010 in desperate cry for help, i die, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, work it white girl

So as most folks know, I am totally obsessed with the A&E show, Hoarders- totally and completely.


My obsession is to the point where I’m seeing the signs of potential Hoarders EVERYWHERE- from the lady in the grocery line buying 100 cans of cat food to the extra-messy looking chick that keeps spilling old food wrappers, crumpled papers and empty bottles of water out of her bag on the subway car. I swear, if you look they are all over!

And while I’m sure some of you probably think I’m a itty bit nutso, I’m TELLING you, that freakin’ Lindsey Lohan is a damn hoarder!

Exhibit A: Just look at this photo of a room in her condo!

What in the unholy-nasty-white-trash-hell is going on? Who lives like this? Talking about, “I try not to go in there… It gives me anxiety being in here. The clutter takes up a lot of space mentally.” Err-um, really??

And this is the same worthless chick that they had the NERVE to pay to be the face of Ungaro? DEAD. Real talk, they might as well have asked the homeless lady that that lives at the end #1 Train subway platform at the 168th Street stop. No offense…

On an upnote, the shameless starlet is going to let The Insider come in and film a ‘De-cluttering Lindsey’ special about her situation that’s scheduled to air next week. So I’ll get to watch the whole shit show up close and personal.

I. Can. Not. WAIT!

linda carter who?

By on January 19, 2010 in i die, keep hope alive, made for the maury show, using our powers for good

OMG, I think I just discovered who Beyonce has been stealing all of her recent leotard-clad video moves from.Umm-hmmm… Ladies and gents, I present to you- Miss Tandi Dupree!

DEAD.

Now if the intro doesn’t send you into spasms, please just wait on her little jog down the runway around 2:38 min.

AND STINKING.

When I tell you the fabulous Miss Dupree gave me LIFE on this dreary Tuesday morning??? Trust, I’m headed to the nearest costume store as you read this. Please do not be alarmed if you happen to see me sometime soon high-kicking and plopping down into splits at the drop of a dime on a corner near you.

You know, just for shits and giggles.

singing the same ‘ole song…

By on December 29, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, i die, keep hope alive, pocket full of dirty tissue, too old for the road, why we as a people can't get ahead

Hmm, so I finally got around to watching this infamous (and seriously redundant) Dateline segment on ‘The Plight of Single Black Women’. Umm…. Yawn. Clearly, Dateline either ran out of white girls that slept with Tiger Woods or just needed a quick bump in their ratings.

Like seriously? We’re going into a new DECADE and we’re STILL talking the same ‘ole ‘last good black man standing’ bullshit? Yeah, no thank you. I am so tired of hearing how hard it is to find a decent Black man. Note to the masses: having a degree, well-paying job, nice apartment and fly car does not make you a decent human being.

Here’s an idea: Instead of regurgitating the same doomsday dating info, why not produce a segment on all the new and young married females (African American and White) who are ABSOLUTELY miserable. Yeah, I’m talking about the countless women who regret the day they rushed down the aisle because it seemed like ‘the right thing to do.’ And now, the poor things are facing an embarrassing/ expensive divorce or worse, wasting the best years of their lives in an unhappy situation.

Quietly, I’m sure we all know just as many single ladies on the prowl as married ones who in retrospect, if given the choice, WOULD NOT choose to be with the same man they married.
*dead fish eyes*
Cause not to be funny or seem extra callous about the situation, but at the end of the day the women that I associate with and consider peers would much rather be alone and feel lonely- than be in a relationship and still feel lonely.

Let the choir sing…

blood on the dancefloor…

By on December 23, 2009 in i die, made for the maury show, never too grown, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

Never thought I’d utter this sentence but, it sure is a good day to be Mike Tyson.


Okay, okay maybe good is a bit of a stretch since dude is already scheduled to head back to court in 2010 for the shenanigans with the paparazzi a couple of months ago. But something tells me that if the former champ read yesterday’s New York Post (or should I say, had someone read it to him), he probably enjoyed a bit of a chuckle.

‘Yes sir because apparently, that whole ‘man-biting-man-and-ripping-flesh off-in-the-heat-of-the-battle’ thing that he went through back in the ring with Holyfield? Well kids, it really can happen to the best of us. Okay, maybe not the best. But dammit, it does happen. Just ask Mark Lambert…

*movie star screams, gags and faints DEAD on the floor*

But wait on it… wanna know the reason the lawyer went all cannibal on his fellow club patron? (And no, there weren’t millions of dollars at stake like there was for Tyson.) It seems that two of Lambert’s homeboys were holed up in a bathroom stall and not exactly using it to urinate if you catch my drift… Coughs, How you doin’?? So Herber started tripping on the 2 guys and demanding they come out b/c he needed to actually use the bathroom. And that’s when Lambert (who was outside the stall using a urinal), rushed to the defense of his friends and started the fight with Herber. Um really, all that for some friends?? Feel free to insert serious side-eye as the disco ball silently spins overhead.

Mind you, the two dudes in the stall were not charged with any crime. Which means- they never bothered to stop whatever they were “doing,” come out and help Lambert who was chomping away on their behalf.

*drops the mic and walks away*

gotta love the mugshot grin…

By on December 10, 2009 in end of days, i die, it's in the genes, made for the maury show

See now, if you’re gonna get arrested for drunk driving THIS my dears is the way to do it!


According to police reports, 36 year-old Daniel Shilts of Waldo, Wisconsin ran his car into a pole at a gas station and almost slammed into a police cruiser. Then, after failing sobriety tests (DUH!) , the cops decided to transport him to the police station in the back of a squad car.

But wait… It’s at this point where, ‘ole dude begins taking a leak. And not only did he pee all over the back of the cop car, apparently he sprayed through the car’s divider and hit one of the officers in the back of the head with his urine.

*gags and falls over stone cold DEAD*

Okay, okay, I know it’s probably really awful to say but you gotta admit- this ‘ish is HILARIOUS!!! I mean, aside from the whole crashing into a pole and endangering the life of innocent people in the area part… But can you imagine the visual on that? Homeboy aimed and sprayed the back of the cop’s head??? Crazy. And he only saw ONE year in jail for that?? I wonder if this dude is some sort of trust fund baby…

Rich or not, Daniel is so lucky his lily white behind lives in Wisconsin. Cause had he pulled this stunt anywhere in New York… Or worse yet, be BLACK/ HISPANIC/ ASIAN/ COLORED??? No sir. We wouldn’t even be reading about the piss. More like another unidentified dead body in the morgue.

I’m just saying.

lovin’ the angry white woman..

By on December 3, 2009 in cuteness kills, i die, work it white girl

Oh my, and the tomfoolery on this Thursday keeps a coming… Lemme find out Saturday Night live might actually be worth staying up late and watching again!


And the very, very best part? Secretly, a whole lotta white girls out there swear they go this hard. Word.

WE LOVES IT.

next stop is not dancing w the stars…

By on October 7, 2009 in end of days, i die, made for the maury show, work it white girl

Okay, you know what? There are definitely times when actions speak louder than words. And this video is screaming right now. Or maybe that was just me after watching it for the first fifty times…. ‘Cause when I tell you, this right here, Made. My. Day.

I can 99.9% GUARANTEE you, this little girl’s parents have NO idea their daughter is jamming on the ones like this. Like seriously? Goldilocks ain’t missed a beat. Matter-of-fact, my old ass would probably sit the hell down if I saw her on the dance club.

Now, I’m hesitant to blame it all on the nanny… For one, most of the nannies I see sitting out in the parks barely want to look at the kids they’re supposed to be taking care of let alone take the time to teach they how to pop their booties.  And quite honestly, there’s just as good of chance homegirl learned it at school from one of her classmates. But still… it damn sure took a nanny to cue the music, videotape the solo performance and put it up on the web. 
Feel free to insert Dead Fish Eyes.
With that said, I’d like to dedicate this to all the Upper East Side and Park Slope parents whose kids are being raised by someone else. Um, Barbie and Ken? It’s time to reassess.

you say anorexia, I say sample size

By on August 24, 2009 in i die, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

If this pissy summer weather has been good for absolutely nothing else, it’s def helped me step up my reality TV game.  Not only have I successful killed several viable brain cells watching  all the episodes of 16 and Pregnant but then there was yesterday afternoon’s six-hour Bridezilla marathon. Mmm-hmmm, ain’t no shame in my rainy day Sunday sofa game. But NOW, the time has finally come for the mother of all mind numbing TV- the premiere of The Rachel Zoe Project!!! 


OMG, I. DIE.

For the record, I know it makes no sense for me to be this excited about another woman.  But I swear I can’t help myself.  I LOVE that evil, egotistical, emaciated, bitchy white woman. 

And quite honestly,  it nothing to do with her supposed fashion sense (which I sometimes question).  In fact, I would prefer if the producers didn’t show her dressing a celeb for the entire season.  I simply want to watch her lose her shit week after week over absolutely NOTHING of consequence.  ‘Cause quite candidly?  Her level of superficiality is a unique gift from above. You can’t pay to be this self-centered.

Oh and let us not forget Tyler (her envious, mean-hearted lead assistant who so clearly would be a serial killer if so wasn’t Rachel’s indentured slave) and Brad (the most crocodile tear crying, opportunistic gay man on cable TV). Truth be told, the cat fights between the two of them deserves it’s own spin-off. Its too much. 

Jesus be a full-length mink in the dead of August.

so not ready for primetime…

By on August 13, 2009 in honorary white woman, i die, it's in the genes, work it white girl

For a minute, when I woke up I thought I was going to have a real whatever day: the weather is beyond miserable, my tummy hurts and the sight of $1400 thigh-high Prada boots in the new Nordstrom catalog damn near drove me to stroll a corner near you.  But then, I saw this video and my whole LIFE just changed.  

‘Cause seriously, why are these two the most out of control dogs EVER?  And even more importantly, why is these woman sitting there and LETTING the dogs basically hump on their faces and punk them???  It’s too much! 

Call me a bad sport but at the point the little pitbull backs her dirty butt dead into the newscaster’s grill, that would’ve been the time to get up and call it a day. No?

You be the judge.

money makes all the difference…

By on August 4, 2009 in end of days, i die, pocket full of dirty tissue, too old for the road

I’m so excited about the two days straight of sunshine, I don’t know what to do with myself! Oh wait, yes the hell I do.  


I need to earn a living and also find the time to run some overdue errands- take the car to get new brake pads (call me crazy but something about that grinding noise every time I stop seems a little ominous), finish the laundry and retrieve my cell phone from my mom’s house.  

Sometimes this whole being a grown-up is waaay boring, no?

Theoretically, I could just sell my multi-million dollar ranch, move around the world to India, become a transsexual named Elizabeth and live in a community of eunuchs and transgenders.  Oh wait, John Jeffords, a primary member of the old money, blueblood family that owned the legendary racehorse, Man ‘O War already beat me to it. And apparently he wants to tell the whole world about it on an upcoming ABC special: ‘Primetime: Outsiders’ which airs on August 25th.  

Sigh, rich kids have all the fun.   

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