Mitzi Moments

Category: going to hell in a handbasket

my own damn fault…

By on July 22, 2008 in going to hell in a handbasket

All I can say is- the devil is a busy man.

My mini-me Latoya is getting married next spring (I think) which is great. I’m really happy for her and her fiance Dre, they make a great couple, deserve all the happiness in the world, yada-yada-yada.

How-some-ever, since this is her second stroll up the aisle (sometimes a do-over is very necessary) little Miss Toya has decided to break with tradition and have the sexy all-white wedding in the islands. Emphasis on the sexy. As a bridesmaid (please don’t ask me how in the world I got roped in to this foolishness. You know I DON’T do wedding parties.) I have been asked to find a short, tight, white dress that’s hot enough to be interesting but not scandalous enough to cause a scene. I know, I know but wait on it…

But the reason I’m really mad is because I actually found the perfect dress. This short, strapless Nanette Lepore number that was even in the correct price range. But don’t you know, my procrastinating ass waited 24 hours to place the order. And so, by the time I logged on they were completely out of my size! I almost threw up in my mouth. And to make matters worse, I started trying to talk myself into believing that all dress aren’t cut the same and with a little stretch who says that I can’t fit into a size 10? Oh and you know I ordered the ten, right? Sigh. I ‘m an idiot.

finally forreal must-see tv…

By on July 17, 2008 in going to hell in a handbasket

Ok, so I have a new guilty TV pleasure. It’s called The Baby Borrowers. It’s on NBC, every Wednesday at 9/8c. You heard it here first- you MUST watch this weekly train wreck.

The hilarious and often painful to watch reality show centers around five different teenage couples who I have to assume think/ thought they’re ready to be married and start a family (You know I didn’t see it from the beginning b/c I was what? Working.). There’s Jordan & Sasha/ the Black teens who assumed that b/c they help raise their brothers and sisters they know everything until they meet the bad ass WHITE kids; Daton &Morgan/ the skater kids who barely bathe let alone remember to make the kid brush his teeth for three days; Kelsey & Sean/ the All-American couple where she like the majority of Middle America is already obsese; Kelly & Austin/ the Southern couple whose traditional values come crashing down when she realizes that she’s not cut out to be a stay-at home mom; Alicia & Cory/ the Latino couple who are straight hood. She’s so busy putting on her extra thick eyeliner she leaves an infant completely unattended.

The couples are put up in their own house and given children of different ages (starting with babies under one all the way up to teenagers and finally, the elderly) to take care of for three-day intervals. All I can say is Jesus be a bad ass two year-old who won’t stop throwing temper tantrums. Then to throw in a little twist; one of them had to leave the house every day to go to work at a minimum wage job (read: picking up dog poop at the dog shelter).

For the record, I laughed until I cried last night. These poor kids who were so in love and excited to be able to ‘play house’ were straight falling apart and turning on one another like rabid animals. TOM FOOLERY AT IT’S BEST.

But not for nothing, I give them credit. I KNOW that at 17 years old (shoot truth be told at 32 years old) I wouldn’t have lasted past the first 24 hour period. All that crying, fussing and smart talk from those kids? And the only thing I can do is put you in time out? No sir. Ain’t no way in the world somebody’s kid wasn’t gonna get snatched up in the armpit on national TV and lifted off the ground ’till the backchat stops. I’m just saying.

it was so big…

By on May 17, 2008 in going to hell in a handbasket

It took almost seven hours but I finally made it to Phoenix, Arizona. I’m so excited to be somewhere that 90 degrees and straight sunshine in considered a cool day; I don’t know what to do with myself. Oh wait, yes I do, I went and worked poolside.

When the sun finally went down, I headed over to Chase Stadium to check out the Arizona Diamond Backs play the Detroit Tigers (wearing my Yankees cap of course). Can I just tell you? I had the biggest case of stadium envy! It was so modern and clean compared to Yankee Stadium; I almost didn’t know to act. The fans were all orderly and polite (read: uninteresting). There were fireworks whenever a player hit a homerun. and even when they (unfortunately) rallied in the 7th to beat the Tiger 4-3, there was very little gloating or tomfoolery.

Got to be honest, not sure I like that.

I sure hope that when the new Yankee Stadium opens up next season, people don’t start to act so civilized that I can’t catch a mom losing her mind over a lame play while feeding her 7 year old kid a hotdog. Yeah, I said it.

will you sing with the choir…

By on May 8, 2008 in going to hell in a handbasket

Is it just me or are Black men between 30 to 38 years old, looking grossly out of shape nowadays? Like seriously, can a sister get some washboard abs and tight pecs in her life without dating a professional athlete? Or recent parolee?

Now don’t get me wrong, as my close friends will quickly attest, over the years I have been known to find all kinds of men attractive- tall, short, slim, even juicy… BUT there’s a limitation to the stupidity. And when the extra smedium button-up shirt is straining against the double D man-boobs and those birthing hips are so pronounced that the most expensive suit in the world can’t hide the swaying movement, it’s a wrap. And you know what I’m talking about dammit!!

Say it with me now…

NO MORE SLOPPY BODY BOYS!!!

such a joni mitchell cliche…

By on April 22, 2008 in going to hell in a handbasket

Why is it that the only time I EVER feel like working out is when I’m on deadline?

I’ve been trapped inside my apartment for the last three days working on this never ending feature that will remain nameless until it hits newsstands and the ONLY thing I wanted more than a shower (which I got thank you very much) was to go to the gym. I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t want to talk to my mom, I didn’t want to move my car from one side of the street to the other or even walk the dog. But I damn sure envisioned myself busting my ass to Britney Spears on a treadmill. What is that modern day cabin fever??

Of course, now that I can actually afford to spend 3 hours on the whole gum process (you know, getting dressed, going to the gym, working out and coming back home) with relative impunity, its’ the LAST thing I want to do…. I’d much rather get a hearty breakfast and order some more of my fave cellulite cream. Go figure.

on the back, legs wide open…

By on April 7, 2008 in going to hell in a handbasket

Okay, have you ever been so tired you want to take a time out from your ENTIRE life? You know, where every inch of your body aches and you cant wishing you were somewhere warm without internet or cell phone access? That’s where I’m at. Just doing what I can to make it through. PS, isn’t Q-Tip hilarious? Cecile wants the world to know that he is NOT allowed to be on the sofa! Um Cecile, apparently Q-Tip ain’t tryin’ to hear all them rules and regulations… HA!

With that said, am I the only who in the world who could care less whether or not Beyonce and Jay-Z got married this past weekend? I’m not hating but… seriously? It’s been six years, why is anyone surprised? I am pleased that they decided to do a small private ceremony. But I got $25 on it that Instyle got an exclusive on those wedding photos. Just wait till the wedding issue drops.
Speaking of weddings and having 25 on it-I wonder if Papose and Remy Ma are going to attract that kind of media frenzy when they get hitched in the clink? Now see, that right there is a wedding that I want to see pictures from!

cuteness kills…

By on March 13, 2008 in going to hell in a handbasket

So in yet another valiant crusade in the constant battle against my cellulite, my bright-butt decided to go join a 6.30am bootcamp style workout class. Why God, why?

Aside from the fact that I have to wake up at 5.30 am four days a week (do you even know what 5.30am looks like? Didn’t think so.); I am so sore and tired there are no words to express how I feel. Let me put it in perspective- I hurt like a tractor-trailer hit me, ran over my body and then backed up on top for good measure. Watching me creep around my apartment trying to move as few body parts as possible-moaning every step of the way-is nothing short of tragic. I’d laugh to keep from crying but it hurts too much.
Quite frankly, the only things that keep me going (besides the aspirin I’ve been poppin’ like green M&Ms) are 1) I know this program works. It’s actually my third time ‘enlisting’ and the results are UNDENIALABLE and 2) the super cute bikini I bought at the end of last season. If my wobbly bootie can’t fit into that miniscule piece of fabric come Memorial Day weekend, I’m going to be one sad black girl. You see the vision?

silda ain’t the only one runnin’ to the clinic…

By on March 12, 2008 in going to hell in a handbasket

With the whole country fixated on Elliot Spitzer’s inevitable ho scandal train wreck, it was easy to almost overlook the latest disheartening medical revelation announced on Reuters.com yesterday: A Quarter of U.S. Teen Girls Have An STD.

With the highest rate among Blacks (big surprise there-not), turns out that according to the Center for Disease Control, “An estimated 3.2 million U.S. girls ages 14 and 19 — about 26 percent of that age group — have a sexually transmitted infection such as the human papillomavirus or HPV, chlamydia, genital herpes or trichomoniasis.”
14 years old!?!?!? Um is it now safe to say that the whole “teach abstinence” movement is a crock of shit? I’m just saying.
Perhaps the only thing halfway amusing about the article was the fact that they opted to use white teenagers in the lead photo. Way to be PC.

http://uk.reuters.com/article/healthNews/idUKN1157399920080311?feedType=nl&feedName=ukmorningdigest

PS, check out the how the coverage in the NYT emphasizes the African American teen issue v. Reuters (a British company) whose focus was on the girls as a single group.
God bless America!

march of the crackheads…

By on March 3, 2008 in going to hell in a handbasket

So according to CNN, the first wave of crack convicts eligible for reduced sentences under the new retroactive sentencing reform were released today: http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/03/03/crack.release/index.html?eref=rss_latest

Interesting. I’ll bet wherever he is, Bobby Brown is resting a little easier tonight…
I just have one question, why did CNN decide to wrap up the article with the quote from the wife of a convicted 60-year amputee? Talking about, “He wants to come back to the community. And he also wants to help the community. He plans on doing some paralegal work when he gets out.”
I’m tapped out…

pass the collection plate

By on February 21, 2008 in going to hell in a handbasket

So I’m reading this story that was intitally reported on the CBS Early Show about a pastor in south Florida that is encouraging his married parishioners to have sex on a daily basis. According to Relevant Church head pastor Paul Wirth:
“A great sex life is a challenge and takes focus, determination, and planning,” reads the church web site. “Some say it’s an unrealistic goal, but we disagree. We believe you can have a great sex life, in fact we believe God wants you to have a great sex life.”

Can I get an amen? This man issued a 30-day challenge to all his members to go out and get some! http://www.relevantchurch.com/
All I want to know is where do I sign up for the choir? Cause for the first time in my adult life, I’m starting to think that there may actually be something to this whole organized religion thing. Praise the Lord!

Alas, the inevitable let down:
“Pastor Wirth’s 30-day challenge does not extend to unmarried congregants. Instead, they were asked to abstain from sex for the month.”

BOO.

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