Category: going to hell in a handbasket

As I grow older, I become increasingly grateful for all the “hands-on” discipline that I learned from my parents. I truly believe all those close encounters with the leather belt, plastic spatula, shoe, or whatever else my mom and dad could get their hands on really made me a productive member of society. As for those who don’t believe that a quick smack makes all the difference, I humbly enter exhibit A:

“Shout out to the slave masters! Without them we’d still be in Africa. We wouldn’t be here to get this ice and tattoos” – Soulja Boy to journalist Toure when asked what historical figure he dislikes the most.

You see? That right there? That is a young man who CLEARLY does not respect the power of the wide leather belt or the twist and pull pinch on the back of your arm. Trust, you will never hear statements like that from those who truly understand the following equation:

not thinking + stupid talk= big painful welts on your butt

And to think, he said it to the press on the red carpet? I. Can’t.

We have a long way to go my people…

Last night I was having dinner with friends and as usual we were discussing the tomorrow’s presidential election. Is there anything else so talk about?? It’s still hard to believe that in less than 24 hours a Black man could very well be the next President of the United States? Lord, my nerves are a complete and total wreck! I’m talking light-headed, stomach in knots, taking lots of shallow breaths as I lay on the couch unable to stop watching MSNBC.

But then I started to think- I might feel bad but who is sicker than Jesse Jackson right now?

Answer: No one.

Over the course of this election, Jesse Jackson has lost all cool points with anyone under the age of 59 years old (and I’m probably being too generous with that number). Watching Jesse morph from an elder statesman into a straight-up hater was almost as devastating as the moment on the Maury show when the poor girl finds out that not one of the three guys she accused is the father of her baby. Tragic.

Whatever miniscule of political clout Mr. Jackson managed to salvage after the whole “the DNA tests prove I fathered my secretary’s baby” scandal was completely flushed down the toilet when he got caught talking trash about Obama on national TV. And now look… win or lose Obama is the man.

Shoot, I wouldn’t be surprised if once he gets behind the curtain Mr. Power-to-the-People votes for McCain. Mmm-hmmm, I said it.

No matter how you slice the cake, being cheated on sucks. And the older I become, the longer it takes me to trust. So to discover that someone I finally allowed myself to believe in, be completely unguarded around and tell Elsa about has betrayed me? Well like the 57% of you, just call me Capt. Cut-‘Em-Off.

And no, it’s not because I don’t understand how challenging it can be to meet amazing, progressive, single men nowadays. In fact, I’m the first one commenting on how much harder it’s become over the years and threatening to auction my virginity on Ebay (oh wait, it’s a little too late for that, huh?). But quietly, it’s just as hard to meet amazing women. So the way I see it, we’ll both be struggling to figure it out after the fact.

One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned is if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for everything. And since I don’t have kids to consider, I refuse to be the only one trying to hold the sinking ship together. DO NOT come crying to me to me after the fact because you feel guilty or worse, cause your side chick is getting out of pocket and is threatening to rat you out. Sloppy is not hot.

Although I’ll admit; I wasn’t always this jaded. Looking way, way back, like the 42%, I’m sure that if my ex had simply been upfront about what happened or in my case, confessed before the trifling jump-off called my phone (insert eye roll and sigh) we would’ve definitely been able to move past it. Because keeping it real? Deep down inside, I wanted to forgive him. I wanted to make like the white girls in the movies and have a happily ever after. Now, no one’s saying it would’ve been easy (cause I’m a Scorpio and you know how we do) BUT when you actually meet someone that matters, it can be hard to just let go of everything because of one unfortunate, meaningless indiscretion…

Ok, I have to say I just got the sweetest shout out on the blog, Yeah I Said It And So What. Normally, I wouldn’t bother talking about something like this BUT why is her blog the funniest thing EVER. Like this it’s totally and completely what The YBF used to be before ole girl started loving down every freaking celebrity walking and probably what my blog would be like if I didn’t need to make a living interviewing these crazy acting celebrities every time the bank account got a little low. Sigh.

So by all means go head, check her out and feel free to get addicted-just click on the name, I finally figured out how to do that little hidden url trick-you know I am.

I was going to start my day by breaking on Sarah “I’m a fake Maverick” Palin and the newly leaked expense reports that prove she’s been flying her three daughters all across the country to different events and shacking up in luxury hotel rooms at the state’s expense. And wait on it… homegirl got caught trying to amend her expense reports to read as if the girls were on ‘official state business’ all after the fact. Why by-golly, are you trying to tell me is that 7 year-old Piper is not capable of conducting official Alaska state business (insert patronizing wink/ smirk combo)?? I cry for the country.

Needless to say event organizers (who’ve seen way too many lobbyists headed to the clink in the past couple of years) were hardly willing to take the fall for the dimwitted Governor. As soon as they were questioned by the press, they started dry snitching like Bodie in The Wire, talking about, “We never extended an invitation to her family… The girls just showed up.” Um, what you say?
Jesus, take the wheel because I can’t.:
http://news.aol.com/elections/article/palin-charged-alaska-for-kids-travel/220444

But then, I received word of a voter in New Mexico getting turned away from the polls because of the t-shirt she was wearing and I got a little sidetracked.

WOW, so I guess all the hundreds of annoying emails reminding me not to wear an Obama t-shirt, button, sticker, underwear, eye patch or tattoo to the voting polls this November 4th that my beloved cousin Vianet keeps forwarding to are actually true. My bad, V!

Turns out that the poor lady was in a freaking wheelchair when she got sent away!! Talking about her Obama t-shirt was distracting to other voters. Um sure, but not for nothing the liquor store next door isn’t? I’m just saying… It’s definitely getting ugly.

Check out the craziness and be prepared.
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/politics/2008/10/21/jones.nm.voter.turned.away.mxf.koat

Heads up party people, mitzimoments now features a bi-weekly poll. So even if you’ve subscribed via email, there’s STILL a good reason to fall through every single day (in addition to the checking out my adorable face).
Hopefully, you’ll find my random questions as entertaining as I do (read: I’ve always been the kid who takes joy in asking the mildly inappropriate question and now I have a platform). And then just to put icing on the cake, I’ll hit you with my take on what you think. ‘Cause everybody knows that it really ain’t fun till I poke fun at someone.

So last Friday night was my girlfriend Monique’s surprise 30th brithday party (she’s the one in the black). And although she insisted that she was surprised and happy to see all her friends come out in her honor, during the mandatory “thank you for being my friends” toast Monique admitted that turning thirty felt “kinda weird” for her. And to be quite honest, she even looked a bit dare I say-freaked out with her new status on the other side on the twenties?!?!
It’s so funny to me how differently people react to aging. On the complete opposite end of the spectrum from Mo (who for the record actually has a fantabulous job, husband, apartment, etc.), I was THRILLED to turn thirty. As those who joined me for the extravagant bday bash can attest, I was beyond hype to usher in the new era. And I promise you, two years later, not a thing as changed. I love being grown. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have finally truly harnessed the power of the word “no.” And I am excercising this right on a daily basis with my countless “not really,” I don’t think so,” “I disagree,” “not so much,” “not so fast,” “not even on a dare”and my all time fave “actually, I’d rather not.” There’s nothing in the world like opting opt of something or someone that in your heart of hearts, you KNOW you want nothing to do with. Sigh.
So come on, say it with me- um yeah, NO. Ha! You know it feels good.

Okay, I read an article this morning on AOL detailing how advocate groups for the disabled called for a national boycott of the new movie, “Tropic Thunder,” citing its negative portrayal of people with intellectual disabilities. Um for real?

Do people nothing better to do with their time than call for protests and rallies??? Shouldn’t them be WORKING? Last time I checked, we were in a recession. They need to put some of that misdirected energy into some revenue producing venture. Not going hard against Ben Stillers’s’ writers for a tasteless movie that all of 15 pinktoe teenagers are going to see.

Honestly, folks have been cracking ignorant jokes about people’s intellect since the very first “Lil’ Lisa’s Mama is a One-Legged Retard” snap back on the kindergarten playground! Need I remember you of Keenan Wayan’s absolutely pitch perfect superhero, Handiman??? All this damn PC crap kills me. I know this sounds terrible, but if you’re so concerned about how the disabled are gonna feel when they figure out what the joke means. Why don’t YOU stop explaining it to them???? I’m just saying.

Here’s the article:

Ok, so for the umpteenth time I’ve started up this workout/ better living regiment thingy of mine. This time around in addition to eating healthier, I’ve committed to jogging from my apartment on 169th Street to the gym on 145th and then doing weights/ ab work to battle the buddha belly. And while in theory, there’s this huge sense of accomplishment everytime I actually succeed at this feat, the reality is a lot less thrilling. To put it nicely, I feel like crap.

My body is all achy. My skin feels extra tight and my stoopid sports bra hurts my right shoulder like a bee-yatch. It’s gotten to the point I can barely walk the dog around the block. And lord have mercy, I’m so tired. It’s all I can do to stay awake surign the workday. And for those that’ve called around 1.30p, I’m prob not awake. But I think that worse part is that I’m cranky as I don’t know what. All this damn excercise does not make me half as happy as a a bag of Chips Ahoy Chocolate Chip Cookies.
Let’s keep it real- the ONLY thing stopping me from quitting is that I’m too damn cheap to buy a whole new wardrobe. Cuteness kills.

Omigod, I hate housecleaning. It is seriously, the bain of my existence. Perhaps the only room in the apartment that I don’t mind cleaning is my bathroom. And that’s only because the upstairs neighbor’s illegal washing machine hook-up occasionally backs up their dirty laundry water in my tub. So just to be safe, I clean my tub at least every three days. (And it’s like, if I’m gonna do the tub; I might as well do the toilet, sink, mirror and floors. Right?)

Anyhoo, I removed everything from my kitchen OVER a week ago under the guise of mopping the floor. You know that floor still hasn’t been cleaned? Aargh. Two huge bags of dog food, a tall trash can, broom, mop and bucket are now cluttering up my entrace hallway. It’s crazy.
Normally, Drama sleeps by the front door during the day. I swear she’s been giving me nothing but side-eye ever since I put all the crap in her chill out area.
Can you imagine? Not only do I feel guilty for being lazy, I’m also getting attitude from my dog. I can’t…

Contact

Name
Email
Message

Yay! Message sent.
Error! Please validate your fields.
Design by materialdsign.com