Mitzi Moments

Category: why we as a people can’t get ahead

ain’t enough dirty drawers in the world…

By on March 30, 2009 in desperate cry for help, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

See now I was planning to write today’s post about the two old ass Roman Catholic priests in Miami that got caught stealing almost $8 million from their church collection plates. Umm-hmmm, just like that. Apparently the former Fathers John Skehan and Francis Guinan were using the loot to purchase real estate, travel, rare coins and wait on it… girlfriends. Seriously? Girlfriends??!!

See what I mean about that damn viagra? THE DEVIL.
But then I read about the craziness that just popped off in Milton, MA and I LITERALLY had to pause. Read the story twice. And pray. Cause you know what? When Black folks start recreating Killing Fields/ Slasher Film/ Trailer Trash-esque type massacres it’s time for us all to go sit down and have a word with the big man upstairs.

Apparently 23 year-old Kerby Revelus was feeling some kind of ways from a fistfight that he got into last Friday night. So being all non-directional, two days later he turned that angst on his overacheiving 17 year-old sister and STABBED her to death. Next, this looney tunes negro proceeded to DECAPITATE his little 5 year-old sister. Mind you, the little girl just celebrated her fifth bday 24-hours before. Then, as he attempted to SLICE the third and final sister to pieces, the police rushed in and shot him dead on the spot. But the real tragedy? The entire time this tom foolery was popping off, their poor unsuspecting mother was downstairs in the basement doing laundry. Can you even imagine?

Light a candle, I’m done.

negroes and flies…

By on March 13, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, honorary white woman, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Between preparing for, hosting and recovering from the BFF and baby’s visit, I’ve been a tad out the loop. Which is the reason, I’m just now getting around to reading the story about the recently released text messages that stoopid ass Kwame Kilpatrick sent out on his government issued cell phone. And to be quite honest, we might all cringe at the arrogance of his behavior but on the low, low…

What you know about Kwame killin’ them hoes PROPER?

According to the court documents, there were 682 pages of text messages sent! Um excuse me, who got time to send that many damn text messages? Am I the only one who wants to know when the hell was this man ever WORKING??

Beyond the ridiculous number of texts, how ’bout what they actually said? In one breath he tells Christine Beatty (‘ole girl that’s still locked up behind this mess, while his ass was released early) that she is the “wind beneath my wings.” But like three exchanges later, he wants her “to talk to me while I do you. Tell me to lick faster, softer, higher, lower, etc.” Okay, perhaps I’m a little slow, but how you go from quoting Bette Midler to talkin nasty??

Then wait on it… 10 messages later, he’s telling the 2nd sidechick, Natasha Dooley that “my dick needs to be sucked. It’s been a while.” Oh yeah? Is that so Mayor Kilpatrick?

Granted, while all the above foolishness is popping off, the First Lady a.k.a Ms. I-Will-Beat A-Hoe’s-Butt-in-the-Mayoral -Office-If-I-Catch-U-Screwing-My-Husband inquires about the status of her Navigator. Jesus haf mercy.

Tyler Perry come get the script to your next straight to DVD movie!

Sidenote: Apparently, Kwame is now suing SkyTel for releasing the text messages. Umm-hmm… Talking about he wants $100 million for the violation of his privacy and constitutional rights. I swear I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to…

somebody needs to smack fire out that lil boy…

By on March 6, 2009 in desperate cry for help, love be a cellulite cream, taking it one day at a time, why we as a people can't get ahead

So there I was minding my business trying to read up on this new nine minute miracle cellulite cream (that quietly, I’m sooo about to spend a $100 dollars on as soon as this recession ends) when I heard about the Chris Brown/ Rihanna beatdown incident report. And I have to tell you, after reading the entire report- this is so not okay.

Dude, Chris Brown beat Rihanna like she was a straight up stranger. Like forreal, forreal? Bouncing her head off of the car window, punching her in the eye, the head, the arm, leg AND then biting her? What in the hell? Did he momnetarily lose his mind and confuse for a car jacker? I’m just saying… Cause I just can’t comprehend what in the unholy domestic violence hell this punkass 19 year old was thinking when he threatened to “really beat your ass when we get home!” Word? Forget what you heard, that little dancing fool needs to go sitdown in a jail for at least six months to think about what he did to the woman he’s steady professing to love.

Oh and no Kanye et al, I do not think he deserves another chance. At all. So be clear, if I hear any of ya’ll enabling ass celebs come out and support him, I’m boycotting you too.

And I intend to start the prayer vigil for Rih-Rih and her sense of self-worth ASAP… cause clearly despite all the fame and money, there’s something missing in her life. And whatever it is, it compells her to return to a relationship w/ a man who beat that ass like a dude because HIS MESSY BEHIND got caught with the inapropriate 3-page text from the sidechick. Can I get an amen?

like chewing foil….

By on March 3, 2009 in desperate cry for help, it's not a game out there, why we as a people can't get ahead

Soooooo, did ANYONE enjoy the premiere of Harlem Heights last night? Anyone, anyone, anyone? No seriously. Cause I swear ‘fore God, that was nothing short of a complete waste of 52 minutes in my life. And the fact that I stayed up well past the 9.30p bootcamp bedtime makes it just THAT much more upsetting…

Granted, I am VERY proud of my fellow FAMU alum Randolph Stiurrup, who co-created and executive produced the project. I know it was a very long road and I certainly hope to see many additional projects from my fellow Rattler. But let’s keep it all the way real…

Was that not the slowest paced reality show like EVER? The whole thing felt like water torture. I mean, exactly how these kids are supossed to be part of the same crew when they clearly don’t know and/ or hate each other??? Cause there’s stretching the truth and then there’s straight up lying. And the birthday party with 15 people in Covo’s big empty room. I can’t…

Not for nothing, each time Landon swirled his little neck around all I could think was, ‘is this fool high? Or gay? Or both?’ Mmm-hmm. Note to the big chick from down south who fell out when Obama won… will you please settle down and stop being the bull in a china shop? You ain’t scurred of nobody- we get it. Next. Pierre and Christian as Harlem’s sexy ‘it’ boys? Yawn. Oh and good Jesus, if BET doesn’t hire better writers for back-stabbing ass Bridget’s voiceovers I gonna have to duct tape her mouth closed.

Honestly, the only characters worth watching are: 1)corner boy turned wanna-be community activist Jason (that is as long as his mouth was closed…. As soon as he speaks my nerves get bad. I want you to conjugate some verbs every once in a while, okay honey?) and 2) desperately clinging to my 15 minutes of fame Brook (esp the scene where she was trying on clothes in the N Boutique. How you gonna be the shit talking flychick while you’re wearing the blatantly mismatched drawers??)

Although I did love the janky KFC ad. Why? Cause that pretty much summed the entire show up- straight tomfoolery.

translator please…

By on February 24, 2009 in desperate cry for help, going to hell in a handbasket, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

See now, this is that bull. Why is Keisha Cole’s greasy crackhead mama Frankie about to star in her OWN reality show? Mmm-hmm, apparently Frankie and Ke-Ke’s trashy sister Neffy have flown the coop and landed in their time slot on BET. Uugh.

Jesus be the ebonic subtitles on the bottom of the screen.

Oh and wait on it… apparently Frankie is also “writing” a book tentatively titled, 2 Sides of Every Story. Really??? I swear the definition of the word “writing” just gets broader and broader every day.

not you…

By on January 12, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Um, WHY did the Mayor of Baltimore just get indicted on 12 counts of accepting illegal gifts, four counts of perjury and two counts of theft over $500? Seriously? 8 measly days away from the first Black President being sworn into office and THIS is what you wanna do Sheila Dixon?

Talking about, “I am being unfairly accused. Time will prove that I have done nothing wrong, and I am confident that I will be found innocent of these charges.”

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we already know the story S-Boogie. They set you up. They MADE you take the gifts. Umm-hmm, okay Mayor Berry… I mean Dixon. My bad. I dont know why I keep getting the names of all the crackhead Mayors mixed-up like that. So sorry.

Can I tell you? Initially, in the spirit of having hope and believing in change, I really, really wanted to belileve that there was a misunderstanding. But once I read the list of ‘gifts': fur coat, travel and multiple gift certificates for an XBox, PlayStation2, camcorder and clothes… Fur coat and an Xbox? Man listen, lock that trick up under the jail.

I swear, this is just further proof that everybody ain’t gonna make it into the promiseland.

damn indian-givers…

By on January 8, 2009 in it's not a game out there, made for the maury show, Mitzi- all day every day, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Okay Dr. Richard Batista, you listen up. I don’t know what kinda God-complex you’re working with over there in Long Island but just in case no one around you has the god-given COMMONSENSE to keep it real with you, let me be the first.

Here is what you will NOT, I repeat, you WILL NOT be doing in 2009: Suing your ex-wife to get back the kidney that you donated to her while you two were married. NO SIR, not today, tomorrow or EVER, EVER.

Just because your ex-wife had an affair, it does not entitle you to have your kidney back. Be clear, I ain’t saying the cheating wasn’t messed up. Especially after you basically saved her life and whatnot but forreal, forreal? You need to get it TOGETHER.
This ain’t no freaking playground. You can’t get mad and snatch back your toys cause your little feelings got hurt. IDIOT.
Even if I wasn’t a transplant survivor (which I am), I’d be sucking my two front- teeth and giving you the ice cold side-eye. Yes, you and the ambulance chasing- cracker jack box degree having-lawyer that fixed his face to tell you this was a viable case. Talking ’bout you want your kidney or 1.5 million dollars. Shiiiieeeeet. I wish somebody would…

Both of ya’ll need to go sit your behinds down somewhere. Like, NOW.

come to america, we’ll give you asylum…

By on December 19, 2008 in taking it one day at a time, why we as a people can't get ahead

OMG, did you hear what had happened (yes, I wrote it like that on purpose) to Muntadhar al-Zeidi, the reporter that threw his show at President Bush?? Dude got BEAT! According to the AP, official Iraq reports are saying that the reporter was last seen with bruises around his eyes and on his face. And wait on it- he’s still missing. Damn dude….

It’s just so sad to me that this guy’s life is at risk for doing what the majority of the intelligent, higher conscious world have been dreaming about for the past 8 years.

On an upside, the uber-rich, sultan-type, head of a large West Bank family offered one of its eligible females as a bride for al-Zeidi. AND the leader, 75-year-old Ahmad Salim Judeh, said that the 500-member clan has raised $30,000 for the legal defense in appreciation for the act of bravery.

Hmmm… could be a good look if dude ever shows up alive….

no kinda sense…

By on December 17, 2008 in made for the maury show, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead, work it white girl

So I get the random text from Crystal last night telling me to turn on NBC and watch this new reality show they’re previewing called, Mamas Boys. Where, if I’m to understand the premise correctly, overprotective mothers help select the right girl for thier ‘perfect’ sons to date. Ummmm… okay.

If it sounds like the Bachelor with his crazy momma in tow to you; don’t worry, that’s the same thing I thought. And for the record, I haven’t had the slightest interest in watching The Bachelor since that crazy man married that Norwegian airline stewardess (wasn’t her name Darma or something like that?) live on national TV five seconds after his fugly identity was revealed. Only to then find out he was a total looney tune and dead broke. Do you remember that? But I digress…
So anyhoo, I’m watching and playing along as the women in the brothel (there are 32 grownass women living in 1 house) get all excited to first meet the men (three random white guys with whatever looks and obviously inflated egos) and then their moms (yawn).
Don’t you know, it’s all fun and games until in walks the wildcard- the racist mother. Yes they did. Some squat, white, half-illiterate Catholic woman named Mrs. B who doesn’t want any race or religion mixing for her precious, pure-American, only son… Who if you ask me, looks like he’s half Puerto Rican with all the extra fuzzy hair and dark skin. But wait on it.
Instead of keeping it moving, WHY did this black chick named VITA, decide that b/c she is an Iraq War vet that fought for everyone in this country, she was going to be the one to confront old girl? Homegirl rolls on the mom and righteous talking about, I think you should apologize to all of us for thoe racist comments you made. Cause I’m in the military and I protect the people like you!”
Well don’t you know KKK Queen was having none of it. She was like, “Um , excuse you? First of all, I didn’t tell you to enlist. So that’s your problem! And for the record, I have five black friends. So I am not a racist. And no, I will not apologize! Matter of fact, my skin is darker than yours, so F- You Bee-yatch!!” And then she turned around and walked away.
Yes, you read that correctly. She straight up called Vita the B-word and BOUNCED.
I swear, it was like a modern day version of that classic Eddie Murphy RAW monologue where the short wite Italian guy goes to see Rocky in the movie theater, loses his mind and makes the mistake of going hard with the big black dude. Except this was an old white woman and in a complete flip of fate, she SHUT THAT HO DOWN.
Vita was looking all kinds of flabbergasted and confused. Not nam one of the chicks that popped that mess with her earlier when they were discussing ‘what they would do when they laid eyes on the mom’ said word the first. It was like, “Uh-uh, you on your own my sister”… Damn.

You see what gentrification has gotten us? Mmm-hmm, I hope you’re satisfied.

a call to action…

By on October 21, 2008 in using our powers for good, why we as a people can't get ahead

So I spent all day Sunday running around D.C. producing a photo shoot of skateboarder Darren Harper for SET Magazine. And can I just say, if every day of work could look like this… bring it on!

In addition to being super talented (among a bunch of other accolades/ affiliations, he’s the first African American skater sponsored by Travis Barker’s Stars & Straps clothing line), Darren has the most amazing skin and teeth I’ve seen on a non-model Black boy like, EVER. And something tells me that this kid (easy ladies, he’s only 26 years old) who makes a living by spending his days rolling through the world on a damn board is so not the one for the expensive bath products.

Watching Darren for six hours (and yes, I got paid to peep him out) got me to thinking about the state of black men’s skin. More specifically the recent string of guys with bad skin that I’ve come across recently.

Its 2008, why do you still have razor bumps? I get the whole curly hair conspiracy but how about you make sure you’re using a clean blade to cut? I dated a professional barber for almost six years, and the first thing I learned was that half of all razor bumps are cause by dirty blades. Mmm-hmmm… And what’s really good with the dry flaky skin? Ya’ll just looking ashy all around the mouth and eyebrow area… My brothers, please stop acting like facial moisturizer (no, not your girl’s hand lotion or mama’s tub of Vaseline) is freaking kryptonite and handle that.

And do not get me started on all the folks with twisted, yellow, jumbled, rock biter mouths. You know what, when your teeth are wrecked, my natural thought process is to assume that your breath stinks. Uh-uh, I can’t…

And you know what? You shouldn’t want me to either.

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