Mitzi Moments

Category: supermarket dreams on a bodega budget

baby powder on aisle 9…

By on August 30, 2010 in Mitzi- all day every day, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget

Sooo, did anyone actually watch the Emmy Awards last night?


*crickets*

Yeah me neither. Oddly, I’ve been on a self-imposed TV timeout for the past couple of weeks. Honestly, not sure what I’m going through… but oh wells. Perhaps, I’ll get back at it when the new fall season line-up rolls out. Or not.

Needless to say, not watching the actual telecast certainly didn’t prohibit me from eyeballing all the red carpet arrival pictures. And I gotta say, the fashion this year? Um, BORING. Like, I don’t know about you guys but I’m so over the one-shoulder, draped, layered, gauzy, bedazzled Grecian column dress I could vomit. Seriously. Can we please leave that look in 2009 and move on? Please and thanks.

Oh and while I can totally understand going the extra mile to avoid getting caught out on the carpet with ashy skin; there’s a definitive line between properly moisturized and plain ‘ole greasy. And err-um Rutina Wesley? Sweetie, you my dear missed the mark. Completely.

Now, don’t get me wrong- it is always exciting to see a new, beautiful, brown-skin actress working any red carpet that does NOT lead into the 100-millionth Rick Ross album premiere party. Howsomever…

There was absolutely no reason for homegirl to look like she straight jumped out of a vat of Vaseline and into her designer gown. (Which was actually kinda cute- when you tilt your head and squint your eyes a little something). Nope, none at all. And whomever the hell thought it was good idea to slather her from head to toe in grandma’s petroleum jelly and then send her out into the sun to sizzle like a damn pork rind needs to be bitch slapped.

The End.

its all about choices…

By on August 24, 2010 in cuteness kills, made for the maury show, Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, why we as a people can't get ahead

Why lawd god, why????

Who in the hell told Fantasia she could get away with wearing a skin tight dress sans the proper undergarments? Like, in life? Let alone, for a nationally televised appearance on Good Morning America? I can’t. My eyes hurt from looking at this craziness.

Yes, I know that the super strength, full body slimmers can be kinda pricey. And yes, I understand that she was already two seconds off of dead-ass broke before racking up the new medical bills. But still…

I think I can comfortably say that the majority of us would much rather see Fanny repeat an outfit or two rather than look at pictures of her saggy boobs, side roll ripples and flabby belly hanging over the top of the generic low-rise Spanx (which for the record, should never be peeping out from under the dress, thanks).

There’s got to be a better way.

(And you know I’m trying to be a better person, because I’m not even gonna go in on the ridiculous sideburns, extra pale pink lip gloss that does nothing for her lips or how filthy the tattoos on her legs make her appear. Thank you very much.)

this is for danita…

By on August 20, 2010 in cuteness kills, it's not a game out there, pocket full of dirty tissue, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget

Happy Summer Friday everybody! As the summer winds down, I hope you’re using every last minute to cut up in the sunshine.


Oh and before you head out the door, here’s yet another face from the back of the ‘missing 90s R&B singers’ milk carton for you to be on the lookout for… Have a great weekend!

that ass sure has grown since then…

By on August 18, 2010 in keep hope alive, Mitzi- all day every day, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget

Quick question: What in the lost-90s-singers & rappers-vortex happened to Case and his plethora of head wear? Like forget Ne-Yo’s receeding hairline, that man right there was the original hide-ya-head R&B singer. That bad boy could seriously go from baseball cap to ski skully to straight up pantyhose all in one video, like what? Say something.

But all fun and foreheads aside, I thought he was trying to stage a comeback.What had happened? Trey Songz got him shook or something?

Cause forreal, ‘Broken Glass’ and ‘Not Your Friend’ were the straight joints back in the day! And God only knows how many folks used that damn ‘Happily Ever After’ as their wedding song. Yeah man, for a hot minute Case was the ‘ish.

Speaking of Happily Ever After, I didn’t realize Beyonce was the lead female in the video until just now. Mmm-hmmm, front and center with that big ‘ole crazy 90s freeze curls piled up on her head. Looking like a fake Cleopatra in the empty museum.

Too funny.

don’t talk about it, be about it…

By on August 9, 2010 in i die, made for the maury show, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, using our powers for good

So has anyone NOT heard about the JetBlue flight attendant from Queens that not only cussed out a passenger and quit his job over the plane’s intercom but then had the balls to jump out the emergency evacuation chute as the grand finale??


*nosedives into the shallow end of the pool*

For those who’ve been under a rock for the last 24 hours: According to CNN, the incident took place just after the flight landed at JFK and was still taxiing. Apparently, an unnamed passenger ignored the time honored ‘remain in your seats until we have arrived at the gate’ rule and stood to remove a bag from the overhead bin. And well, it seems that poor Steven Slater (the attendant in question) had finally reached his limitation with the foolishness. So he picked up the intercom and started hurling expletives at ALL the passengers. Then when the plane finally reaches the gate, dude was quoted as saying, “I’ve been doing this for ten years and I’m out of here!” He proceeds to grab some beer from the beverage cart, deploy the emergency slide and hop his happy ass off that mo-fo like, BYE, BYE BEE-YATACHES!

PAUSE.

You know I LOVE him, right?

Cause NO judgement but doesn’t he just LOOK like the kid we all grew up with that got picked on mercilessly his ENTIRE life? You know, the classmate for whom there was never a closet big enough to hold him and his fa-la-laing ways?? And then to make matters worse, he isn’t even the cutest. So if the girls were anything like I remember, they prob weren’t even willing to let him be their gay BFF. Sigh. SMH. So tragic.

But then, just when you’ve counted him out.. He tells the world TO KISS HIS ASS over the intercom!!!

I. DIE.

Like seriously, even if Steven serves all seven years in jail for criminal mischief, reckless endangerment and criminal trespass-which we know he won’t- that man just lived out the greatest fantasy of all flight attendants around the WORLD. He is a freaking LEGEND.

*raises an overflowing glass of champagne*

pick your poison…

By on August 4, 2010 in pocket full of dirty tissue, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget

Don’t Republicans and conservatives seem a just a tad hypocritical for jumping all over the government for the illegal immigrant who accidently killed a nun while drunk driving yet they are saying next to nothing about the legal gun owner in Connecticut who intentionally killed 8 of his co-workers then offed himself?

BLANK STARE

Perhaps they don’t want to discuss what happened in the predominantly white area of CT because the shooter, who was one of only two Black men at the entire beer distribution plant, had been complaining of racial harassment. according to his family, he’d even shown them pictures of racial epithets and a stick figure with a noose around it’s neck that he’d snapped in a men’s restroom at the plant. Matter of fact, in the middle of going all postal a la his namesake on ‘The Wire’, Omar called his mother and confessed to killing 5 racists ‘that was bothering him.’

SMH. You got to do better people.

keepin’ up the crazy…

By on August 3, 2010 in desperate cry for help, end of days, honorary white woman, made for the maury show, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, why we as a people can't get ahead

Since it’s so late in the game I really, really didn’t think I should bother posting this video. But as many times as I watch this video, I just can’t get enough. And I figure if the Essence controversy can still be going on strong than shoot, I’m gonna get mine in too.

Now remember:

Hide ya kids, Hide ya wife and hide ya husband, cause they raping everybody out here!

*swan dives into the shallow end of the pool*

proper use of the word slut…

By on April 9, 2010 in desperate cry for help, keep hope alive, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Well surprise, surprise, somehow my upstanding behind didn’t get selected for the month-long criminal case involving wire taps, cocaine, ecstacy and 2 Puerto Rican from the Dykeman Projects in the Bronx. BLANK STARE

Gee, I wonder if it had something to do with the judge’s question: do you know anyone that’s been convicted of a crime?

Anyhoo, while I’m holed up here on 100 Centre Street waiting for my last day of service to end, it looks like the state of marriage continues to rapidly deteriorate. Not only did lameass Tiki Barber leave his pregnant wife of 11 years for an intern but it seems Garcelle Beauvais-Nillion’s husband has also been outted for his five year affair. So how many celebrity husbands are in the shit house behind women probabaly not worth the gum on the bottom of my shoe: Steve Phillips, Tiger Woods, Shaq, Jesse James, Tiki Barber… Nice, very nice.

Keep it classy ya’ll.

But not for nothing, there’s been such a varied response to the cheating by all the wives. Don’t ya think? Let’s see, Steve Phillips wife sued him and homegirl, Elin chased Tiger’s ass with a golf club, Shawnee snatched kids and went to LA, Sandra straight disappeared, Giny Barber immediately started crying to the press and good ‘ole Garcelle… Well Ms. Thang sent a damn email to the ENTIRE talent agency where her husband works. Mmm-hmm, talking about:
“I found out today that MY husband of almost 9 yrs has been having an affair for 5 yrs with some slut in Chicago. I am devastated!!!! And I have been duped!! Our boys don’t deserve this!”

JUST LIKE THAT.

I gotta say, it’s been a bad run for unfaithful men over the past 7 months. And sure, I’d like to be optimistic about the situation. Cause you know, not everyone has to put his hand on the fire to figure out that it burns. But it’s just… I mean honestly? Interns, waitresses, low budget internet porn stars, party promoters and your homeboy’s fiancee? It’s a lot. Le sigh.

Jesus be the secret bank account in your mama’s maiden name.

granny goes hard…

By on March 26, 2010 in end of days, it's in the genes, pocket full of dirty tissue, stressed the hell out, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, why we as a people can't get ahead

Oh wait, now this is some fun-ny ‘ish!



PAUSE

After numerous unresolved calls to 311, apparently Maria hit the wall. She freaked out, called her husband at work, started screaming that she couldn’t take the torturous noise anymore. Then as fate would have it, she just so ‘happened’ to run into said neighbor, Iraida Palmieri in the elevator shortly thereafter. According to Maria , Iraida was actin’ funny and refused to move over and make space in the elevator car. So Maria told her to move or she was gonna shoot that ass. Iraida who is the wife of a famous Latin jazz pianist, wrongly called Maria’s bluff and ended up with one to the head (well, really just upside the head since she only grazed her head). Just. Like. That.

BLANK STARE WITH 3 SLOOOOOW BLINKS

All I can say is the devil is a busy man.

And not for nothing, my upstairs neighbors are kinda nuts too. They’re like an apartment full of 20-something years old corner boys who clearly think their spot in the hood is the new Playboy Mansion. At 3 am on any given day of the week, they’ll host full on parties, practice dribbling a basketball and or simply play reggaeton until the walls shake.

Puh-lease believe me when I say, I hate Daddy Yankee.

So I understand where Granny was coming from but still…. this right here is nuts.

every little step…

By on February 17, 2010 in desperate cry for help, it's in the genes, it's not a game out there, Mitzi- all day every day, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, tapped out

BEFORE:

AFTER:

DAMN.

So the other night, I had a pizza and TV date with my homie, D. And for some unforeseen reason we ended up watching the new episode in the latest season of VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club. Um, how can I put this nicely… Oh. My. God.

Bobby Brown? Tanisha from Bad Girls Club? Shar Jackson? K-Fed? Oh and puh-lease don’t get me started on Nicole Egbert, the lifeguard chick from Baywatch who used to run up and down the beach looking like that red flotation device she carried weighed more than her. Well just know, homegirl has turned into a straight up Kirstie Alley’s mini-me and wait on it.. the bish only weighs 130lbs! Who’s body falls apart at 130lbs?? No ma’am. FAIL.

*makes the sign of the cross and quickly thanks God for good genes*

And while we definitely got our laugh on at these fallen stars’ expense, I have to tell you… Secretly, my heart truly broke for Bobby. To see that bloated face all up close and personal?

Dude, Bobby used to be a SEX SYMBOL. Like forreal. From New Edition to his way too short lived solo career… that man was off da chain. And now look. Sigh. I can’t. Insisting that he’s clean and sober but still sucking down cans of Bud beer and glasses of straight vodka like a damn fish. And when that fat bottom lip got to twitching?

DEAD FISH EYES.

Needless to say, I will be sending up prayers- as I what? Tune in EV’RY damn week.

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