Mitzi Moments

Category: pocket full of dirty tissue

blood on the dancefloor…

By on December 23, 2009 in i die, made for the maury show, never too grown, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

Never thought I’d utter this sentence but, it sure is a good day to be Mike Tyson.


Okay, okay maybe good is a bit of a stretch since dude is already scheduled to head back to court in 2010 for the shenanigans with the paparazzi a couple of months ago. But something tells me that if the former champ read yesterday’s New York Post (or should I say, had someone read it to him), he probably enjoyed a bit of a chuckle.

‘Yes sir because apparently, that whole ‘man-biting-man-and-ripping-flesh off-in-the-heat-of-the-battle’ thing that he went through back in the ring with Holyfield? Well kids, it really can happen to the best of us. Okay, maybe not the best. But dammit, it does happen. Just ask Mark Lambert…

*movie star screams, gags and faints DEAD on the floor*

But wait on it… wanna know the reason the lawyer went all cannibal on his fellow club patron? (And no, there weren’t millions of dollars at stake like there was for Tyson.) It seems that two of Lambert’s homeboys were holed up in a bathroom stall and not exactly using it to urinate if you catch my drift… Coughs, How you doin’?? So Herber started tripping on the 2 guys and demanding they come out b/c he needed to actually use the bathroom. And that’s when Lambert (who was outside the stall using a urinal), rushed to the defense of his friends and started the fight with Herber. Um really, all that for some friends?? Feel free to insert serious side-eye as the disco ball silently spins overhead.

Mind you, the two dudes in the stall were not charged with any crime. Which means- they never bothered to stop whatever they were “doing,” come out and help Lambert who was chomping away on their behalf.

*drops the mic and walks away*

famous or not…

By on December 21, 2009 in end of days, it's not a game out there, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out

To say I was shocked to hear of Brittany Murphy’s death is putting it lightly. I LOVED so many of her performances- Clueless, Girl, Interrupted, Spun, and the list goes on. Real talk? She was totally a friend in my head. And despite whatever she may have allegedly been going through lately, it’s heartbreaking to learn that anyone at the age of 32 can suffer and die from a heart attack. *makes mental note to get my butt to the gym*


And I’d definitely be remiss if I didn’t also mention the passing of another wonderful actress who over the years brought a lot of laughter to my life- Alaina Reed Hall a.k.a Rose from 227. Apparently the 63 year-old passed away last week after battling breast cancer. *makes mental note to check the twins for lumps as soon as I get in the shower*

But I also ned to take a moment to send a special prayer out to family and friends of 25 year-old Euthisa Revee Renix. The pregnant mother of one suffered a seizure and also died of cardiac arrest while working at a Au Bon Pain in Brooklyn. The difference here is that there were two lazy ass NYC EMTs in store when Euthisa initially collapsed. And they absolutely refused to interrupt their breakfast break to help resuscitate her. Matter-of-fact, the two callous bastards advised one of homegirl’s co-workers to “call 911″ and then they walked out before back-up ever arrived. * makes mental note to light a candle cause those two are going straight to hell*

Um, raise your hand if you’re ready not just for a new year but a new decade.

pick ya poison…

By on December 18, 2009 in end of days, going to hell in a handbasket, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out

Wow, there’s a lot going on for the Friday before Xmas break, huh?


First, there’s Cincinnati Bengal Chris Henry’s untimely, tragic ACCIDENTAL death (yeah, I’m calling it an accident. ‘Cause if you jump in the bed of the truck that I’m driving to get the hell away and you subsequently fall out- That ‘ish is NOT my fault). My sincere prayers go out to all of his family and friends.

Then, Mama Tina (finally) filed the divorce papers. Now, I’m no fan of divorce but can’t say I blame the woman. She’s too damn old to have to adopt and raise yet ANOTHER one of Papa Knowles’ illegitimate offspring. She did her part w/ Kelly. This time around, Matthew is on his own. No offense.

And in what, as a professional writer,I consider to be a particularly disheartening and downright disgusting story, it seems the Wayans brothers are getting sued AGAIN for stealing someone else’s book/film idea. COME ON. Like seriously, there are not one, not two, but THREE of ya’ll Negroes. Is it that damn difficult to a) chip in and PAY folks for their intellectual property or b) CREATE your own ‘ish??? *DEAD FISH EYES*

But seriously, who needs to gossip about celebrities when real life is so freaking off the chain?

Just yesterday a career criminal who had 14 prior arrests for offenses that include manslaughter, assault, drugs and robbery, kicked in the door of a fellow con he met while serving time for manslaughter and killed dude, his brother and his father. According to the NY Post “Gunman Hector Quinones blew away 24-year-old Carlos Rodriguez Jr., and his father Carlos Rodriguez Sr., 52, and then repeatedly stabbed grandfather Fernando Gonzalez, 87, to death before the elder Rodriguez’s wife and adult daughter walked unwittingly into the carnage in the apartment they all shared.”

But wait on it… As the genius is attempting to make his getaway down the fire escape, he got tangled up in his baggy pants, tripped and PLUNGED three stories to his death.

*crickets*

why old people don’t do clubs…

By on December 17, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

So me and my girls went out on Tuesday night. You know, tis the season to be heading out into freezing cold in the middle of the night half-dressed in the name of a some holiday party or in this case, my friend Patty’s 40th Bday Bash. Now, overall the outing was actually really fun times. I mean, thanks to D. supplying us with the live entertainment as she got her grind on with the random guy who just so happened to be wearing one of those ex-con home arrest ankle monitoring bracelets. Uh-huh, as in ‘I just got out 12 hours ago and wanna get my party on before I have to check-in with the C.O.’ Mmm-hmmm, very Law &Order classy. *DEAD*

Moving on- because I told her that I wouldn’t talk about her momentary lapse of sanity. But I know ya’ll can keep a secret- Why are my ears STILL ringing from the damn music two day later??

Like seriously, yesterday I had an interview for this cool non-profit that I hope to be working with in 2010. And the whole time I’m sitting there trying to read lips and trying not to speak too loudly. Sigh. Uh-uh, my nerves are too bad for this kinda ish.

Needless to say I’m now, walking around here convinced that that loud ass sound system and wackass DJ- who randomly launched into this loud ass techno/ Pop Rock set in a room full of black people (where they do that at?)- has permanently impaired my hearing. Good grief.

Of course, none of this is going to stop me from carrying on with the rest of the holiday festivities. No sir. I will be up in Sin City tonight celebrating Karina’s birthday… Even if a bish gotta wear earplugs.

Don’t judge me (or my locked down lovin’ friend).

she sure don’t look sorry to me…

By on December 15, 2009 in end of days, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

Oh uh-uh, I see the official coming out party for the angry white women continues in full speed. Mmm-hmm…

Yesterday in Wisconsin, 2 women accused gluing a cheating lover’s penis to his stomach back in July finally reached plea deals with the District Attorney.Um, gluing a man’s penis to his stomach because he cheated on you? Who does that?? And better yet, how they manage to get off with no jail time??

Mind you, these weren’t some young, hot headed twenty-something year-olds caught up in an emotional moment. The two women are grown ass, forty-eight and forty-three year-year-old women! And wait on it, neither of the two was actually married to the poor 37 year-old schlub that they tied up and stuck it to- literally.

But tell you what, I’m not gonna judge. Nope. I’ll simply sit back and enjoy the show.

u ain’t neva bigger than snoop…

By on December 10, 2009 in cuteness kills, pocket full of dirty tissue, that sense of entitlement

Yo, holdup, timeout. Why is Perez Hilton such a BEE-Yatch???

Now I’m the first to admit, I used to LIVE for his blog- the dirt, the dish, and of course, the doodles! But over the past year, Perez and his blog have become more and more about self-promotion and less about providing the scoop. His opinions have gone from snarky and sarcastic to either pure unadulterated ass kissing or hatefulness. Boo. Nobody needs that from a grown ass man who dyes his eyebrows to match his dated faux-hawk.

And apparently the folks at KTLA-Channel 5 in LA feel the same way about all that ra-ra ballroom diva ‘ish. ‘Cause when that fool stormed out of the studio before his scheduled appearance (that he apparently begged them for), their correspondents went IN! Bump the article, cue Drake and watch the video. Shit is BANANAS!!

And err-um, note to Perez: hell hath no fury like an old school broadcaster who’s already sick and tired of all you talentless new fangled media personalities stealing the shine. *DONE*

Get it Sam!

so this is how we’ll remember u…

By on December 2, 2009 in made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, that sense of entitlement, why we as a people can't get ahead, work it white girl

Oh Tiger… *struggles to suppress the patent good-for-that-ass side-eye*


There you were, frontin’ like you transcended the average man and even the idea of race. Well lookey here… Not only are you just as bad as the average good-for-nothing man, when push comes to shove, race is exactly the reason you are sitting on the cover of every newspaper looking like Boo-Boo the Fool that caught a bad one with a 9-iron from his own wife (the former nanny).

Yeah, I said it.

See, it was the NEGRO (not even black), that made you assume that because you are wealthy and born with a penis, you can be sloppy with the side chick selection and affair behavior. Who da hell in this day cheats with the nothing-to-lose COCKTAIL WAITRESS (who apparently also appeared on VH1’s Tool Academy) and then leaves a trail of over 300 raunchy text messages and lord only knows how many voice messages?? Um okay Mr. “I Will Wear You Out”…

Then that damned WHITE part, must be where you got the false sense of entitlement to try and simply dismiss the situation. Talkin’ about you sent the Florida police away ’cause you don’t have to answer any questions… Oh yeah? And guess who’s issuing public apologies to all their family and friends now? Pathetic.

And I’m take a wild guess here and assume that unfortunate ASIAN part of you is why all these women are pouring out the wood works to snitch. ‘Cause keep 100- ain’t NOBODY tryin’ to mess up the really, really good thing. READ: when the d-ck game is proper, hoes are too satisfied to snitch. *Drops the Mic*

Good luck out there my dear…

somebody doesn’t watch CSI…

By on December 1, 2009 in desperate cry for help, end of days, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

Hmmm, I’m torn.


When I first turned on the computer and saw the breaking AP report about the guy in Washington State that murdered 4 police officers being shot to death, I figured I’d write about this recent trend of African-American serial killers and crazies. ‘Cause lord knows ever since the DC Snipers set it off, the folks been actin’ all out of pocket. Doin’ stuff we had pretty much left the pinktoes, i.e leaving half buried women around your house, going on unprovoked killing sprees, etc. *Dead Fish Eyes*

THEN, I read the story about Casey Johnson, the “troubled” 30 year-old lesbian heiress to the Johnson & Johnson fortune and daughter of the owner of The NY Jets. And I promise you, this story made me straight laugh out loud! WHY in the world would a woman who stands to inherit BILLIONS of dollars rob anyone? Least of all, a friend? Sigh. The only thing I can come up with is too much time on her hands… ‘Cause it seems Ms. Baby Lotion herself ganked “dozens of pieces of clothing, jewelry and some documents” from Jasmine Lennard, an alleged supermodel (although I ain’t never ever, ever hear of this chick before).

Oh and here’s the funny ‘ish- the socialite got caught ’cause her bottom bee-yatch ratted her out (mind you this is the same shady jump-off that apparently beat that ass and set #1 Jets fan’s hair on fire earlier in the year).

Anyhoo, Casey showed up at the on-again, off-again girlfriend’s crib acting CA-razy! So the chick freaked out (’cause who the hell wouldn’t) and sent Jasmine a text message talkin’ about: ‘There’s a problem Jaz, Casey Johnson just got into bed with me and she is wearing your underwear. You need to call the police. There are documents here, your shoes and your clothing– you need to call the police.” Wearing another woman’s panties? Tragic.

But wait on it… Casey was so gangsta with it, she left said supermodel a used vibrator in her bed and a wet towel on the floor.

And I’m DONE. Feel free to order the Walmart casket IMMEDIATELY.

making poor chris work harder…

By on November 13, 2009 in desperate cry for help, keep hope alive, pocket full of dirty tissue

It’s amazing what a great video will do for a song, huh? ‘Cause even though I still don’t want to hear it in the club or the radio, this right here almost- I said, ALMOST- makes her obvious ode to wrist slicing and lethal pill popping bearable as an idea.


Get it Rih-Rih!

last train stop…

By on November 10, 2009 in miracle on 169th street, pocket full of dirty tissue, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget

Hmm, does anyone care about this alleged Jennifer Lopez “sex” tape that might be coming out? Wait, here’s an even better question- Does anyone remember Jennifer Lopez? *crickets*

Yeah, that’s what I figured. So real talk, was it Marc Anthony or Kim Kardashian that stole her life? ‘Cause its not like she was ever more than a wavy-haired big butt and a smile… No offense. I’m just unclear who are the “fans” that she doesn’t want to see her in these unguarded moments (apparently she’s filmed admiring herself in a bra/ panty set, being spanked and jumping on the back of a motorcycle sans drawers) to the tune of $10 million dollars. Feel free to insert DEAD FISH EYES right here.

Err-um, good luck with that mamacita.

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