We are officially in the end of days…

A black woman (that looks like a man) gave her (play-play) nephew to a (poor white trash) couple in CA to keep as a slave.

Apparently, the woman and teen came to live with the couple about a year ago. And while there were there, the “aunt” put the sixteen year old in shackles (I’m talking a chain around his ankle) and left him there for a YEAR. Among other unspeakable abuses, the teen was chained up in the living room starving while the couple and their 3 kids (btwn the ages of 1 and 9) sat and ate dinner across the room in the kitchen.

When asked why even participate in the abuse (the woman personally struck the teen in the knee with a bat 5 different times) cause apparently, she’s so sorry (see photo). Old girl explained that she felt forced. Because wait on it… “she was afraid Ramirez (the aunt) would hurt her own children.” Really? And you over the course of a YEAR, you never once thought to just put the transsexual looking psycho the hell out and call the cops?

Somebody light a candle.

Let me get this straight- Plaxico Burress, who just signed a five-year, $35 million contract this fall after helping the Giants win a Super Bowl championship last season, shot HIMSELF in the leg at the club this past Saturday night. HUH???

So after six wonderful days of kicking it with my girl Carmen (sans cell phone, radio or internet) in Belize, I’m back. And just what do you think is the very first news story that I read is about? Wait on it…

You know what? Under normal circumstances, I would feel bad for any woman who is senselessly murdered by a group of strangers. But when you respond to an online KKK recruitment ad and then find yourself shot up and tossed under some bushes… well there’s just not much I can do with that. No offense.

And the worse part? Investigators are saying that deranged loonies that did this aren’t even a part of the “real” KKK (as if there are real and fake ways to be down with a hate group). As the Louisiana Parish Sheriff Jack Strain so kindly put it, “The IQ level of this group is not impressive, to be kind… This is not what I would call an established Klan group. Some of these guys are just crooks, sociopaths.” Good grief.

Read the story and go thank your parents for the common sense they instilled within you.

For the first time in I don’t even know how many years, I’ve decided to dress up and celebrate Halloween. At first I was just going to comb out the ‘fro and throw together something from the back of my closet. But then I convinced myself that it’d been so long, I might as well go all out and dress up. Right?

So after 2 long hours (and at least 25 different slutty school girl outfits) in Ricki’s unbelievably crowded Halloween Store aisles, I finally settled on the naughty 5th Ave. maid costume (it’s just like the freaky french maid except my dress has more spandex for the curves).

And please believe, your girl has the whole look- from the feather duster to the frilly fire engine red panty covers (just in case a strong breeze blows) down to the 5-inch lucite heels (um yes, I know that stripper heels have nothing to do with a french maid but this is my fantasy, thank you very much). Don’t hate, I am sososo excited!

So last night I attended the world premiere of Malcolm D. Lee’s new film Soul Men starring Samuel L. Jackson and Bernie Mac. Thankfully, the screening was held at the Apollo, cause otherwise yours truly would’ve missed it. You know mama don’t play that cold weather business AT ALL and the temperature dropped down to the freaking 30s late night!

Anyhoo, overall it was a cool premiere. People got dressed up, there were a lot of Hollywood execs, Sam Jackson came out and so did Bernie’s family. Moreover, I’m happy to report, the movie is actually good (disclaimer: no, it’s not the best Black movie ever but it’s worth your $10). Sam and Bernie just have a natural comedic chemistry that makes you smile despite yourself. And I won’t spoil it for those of you who are planning see it but, there’s a tribute that plays as the credits roll that’s not to be missed.

But can I tell you? Movie aside, you know what made the greatest impression on me over the course of the night? The gentleman sitting directly in front of me. Mmm-hmmm, I surely won’t forget him for a while. Why you ask? Because his dreds were STINK. And I’m not talking slight patchouli oil overload. I mean, SOUR grease and DIRTY scalp mixed with rain water STINK. Every time he moved his head, my nostrils would flair and my eyes would tear up. I’m not even kidding you. It was so offensive, I thought I was going to vomit in my mouth whenever I caught a whiff.

To make matters worse, it wasn’t like he even had one of those full heads of hair that you’re probably envisioning. Oh no, he only had a few straggly pieces of dreds at the top and then I’m assuming the rest had fallen out along the sides. It was a hot ass mess. I was dying to dose him with some of that Pantene for colored hair. Finally, I had to call it a loss and give up my good seat in the center for an empty one off to the side with an obstructed view. It was just that bad.

We have to do better my people.

Gotta say, for a moment this whole Sarah “rabbit-out-the-hat” Palin situation looked like a swift kick in the neck to the Obama ticket. Afterall, she’s like an uneducated middle American dream- 80s hair clip and all. Married to the high school sweetheart with five kids, conservative, anti-abortion, just green enough to matter and gangster (gotta give homegirl props for trying to strong arm the state police into firing her ex-brother in law).