Mitzi Moments

Category: made for the maury show

you say anorexia, I say sample size

By on August 24, 2009 in i die, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

If this pissy summer weather has been good for absolutely nothing else, it’s def helped me step up my reality TV game.  Not only have I successful killed several viable brain cells watching  all the episodes of 16 and Pregnant but then there was yesterday afternoon’s six-hour Bridezilla marathon. Mmm-hmmm, ain’t no shame in my rainy day Sunday sofa game. But NOW, the time has finally come for the mother of all mind numbing TV- the premiere of The Rachel Zoe Project!!! 


OMG, I. DIE.

For the record, I know it makes no sense for me to be this excited about another woman.  But I swear I can’t help myself.  I LOVE that evil, egotistical, emaciated, bitchy white woman. 

And quite honestly,  it nothing to do with her supposed fashion sense (which I sometimes question).  In fact, I would prefer if the producers didn’t show her dressing a celeb for the entire season.  I simply want to watch her lose her shit week after week over absolutely NOTHING of consequence.  ‘Cause quite candidly?  Her level of superficiality is a unique gift from above. You can’t pay to be this self-centered.

Oh and let us not forget Tyler (her envious, mean-hearted lead assistant who so clearly would be a serial killer if so wasn’t Rachel’s indentured slave) and Brad (the most crocodile tear crying, opportunistic gay man on cable TV). Truth be told, the cat fights between the two of them deserves it’s own spin-off. Its too much. 

Jesus be a full-length mink in the dead of August.

early casting call…

By on August 10, 2009 in made for the maury show, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget

This is random as hell but is anyone besides me tired as hell of Jon and Kate Gosselin? I swear, watching these two of them battle out their messy breakup in the press feels very reminiscent of high school. You know when that loud, sloppy couple get into a screaming match and fall out in the middle of the cafeteria and NOBODY cares? I mean, not even the guidance counselors who were paid to get involved?

It’s like first, Jon cried because Kate emasculated him. Then, Kate cries because Jon is sleeping with other women. Next, Jon will cry because Kate is going to take all the TV money in the divorce settlement and here’s betting that Kate cries last when all 8 of them badass kids (who look exactly like their flat face Daddy) require MAJOR therapy and at least 4 end up on a reality rehab show with Britney Spear’s sons.

one call I won’t accept…

By on July 30, 2009 in desperate cry for help, end of days, it takes a village, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

When I first read about Rodell Vereen, the South Carolina man that was arrested for having sex with the same horse for the SECOND time (um yeah, you read that right. He actually did it once before but the cops weren’t able to clearly identify him on the stable’s surveillance tape until now), my initial response was to vomit in my mouth. I mean the mental image on that was just too much for my nerves this early in the day…


But then, and  feel free to call me crazy, I started to feel bad for homeboy… Mmm-hmm, yeah, I admit it. I actually felt bad for the greasy-looking sexual deviant.

Why? Well, it could be that I’m PMSing and my hormones are all outta wack.  Still, call it a hunch but something tells me that he probably isn’t the brightest or wealthiest individual (otherwise, he’d have his own private stable of horse to bonk, no?).  So he’s gonna have to reach out to some damn body to bail him out the clinker, right? And the only person you could conceivable call at a time like that would be the poor woman that gave birth to you.  And can you EVEN imagine how that conversation went??

“Um yeah, Mommma? Hi. So listen, what had happened was… these folks done caught me getting it in with the neighbor’s filly. And now, well, I’m locked up. Mm-hmm, yes ma’am, as in having sex with the horse.  No, no,  nothing’s wrong with your hearing. You heard me correctly. S-E-X. But I swear, I she wanted it too… (insert sound of  woman wailing and sudden dial tone) Hello? Hello?”

Sigh, poor thang. Let the prayer circle commence.

all the places we won’t go…

By on July 17, 2009 in it ain't easy, made for the maury show

Huh.  Halfway through July and I still can’t figure out where to go on vacay this summer… Sigh, it’s not looking good for the kid. 


For a second, I was thinking I’d go back to the Bahamas cause I absolutely LOVED their beaches… but that was before I heard about the family of feral pigs that have started swimming in the ocean.  Mmm-hmm… Feel free to insert blank stare with three blinks.

Apparently, the parents and piglets were once domestic and now running amuck in the wild.  They’ve made their home on Big Major Spot Island beach.  And have no qualms about swimming alongside the visiting tourists.  Um, how do I best say this?  No ma’am.

But pigs in the ocean is nothing compared to the crappy tourism pr West Virginia is dealing with right about now.  Where else in the WORLD do you hear about someone breaking into a house to have sex with a DOG??? What in the unholy-inbred-missing-chromosome hell is that? 

Uh-uh. I. Will. Not.

Maybe this is a sign from above that I need to keep my behind local. You know, pull a folding lawn chair out onto the sidewalk, relax with the corner boys and let the hood entertain me.

wrong on so many levels…

By on July 2, 2009 in desperate cry for help, i'm not ready to be a grandmother, made for the maury show, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Err-um, why is Ruby (my neighbor’s bad ass miniature chihuahua) pregnant AGAIN?  

Like seriously? Not for nothing, all that runt does is bark her head off, pee on my doormat and get knocked up.  She’s like the four-legged welfare queen of my building.  It’s too much.

So anyhoo, I go over to offer my congrats on the impeding births. Cause you know, rule number 1000001 to surviving life in the hood: do not judge. If you don’t think four dogs ( 2 chihuahuas and 2 pitbulls) in one cramped two bedroom apt isn’t already a lot, so be it. Have at it. 

But wait on it… don’t you know this hooker is knocked up by her own son from the last litter, Brownie!?!?!

Ruby + Brownie= a little bit of vomit in my mouth right now.

Jesus be the ASPCA because yours truly is DONE.

still waiting for usher to perform…

By on June 29, 2009 in desperate cry for help, end of days, honorary white woman, made for the maury show, why we as a people can't get ahead

I’d be wrong for not posting about the hot ass mess that was the BET Awards, wouldnt I?   


‘Cause I’d really rather not talk about the tomfoolery that snatched almost four hours of my life away and left me utterly depressed. On some- so this is what we’ve been reduced to, huh?

And it’s not even so much the whole T-Pain accepting his award with a red plastic cup in hand, ya girl Beyonce selfishly choosing to sing a lackluster Ave Maria instead of a MJ song when she’s probably one of only 4 people in the entire place that could’ve done it justice, Zoe Saladano’s no home-training having self announcing to the world that veteran actress/Star Trek icon Nichelle Nichols was delayed the show up because she was in the bathroom TWICE or even Ving Rhames violent crackhead-esque outburst.
 
Naw, it was the subtle screw-ups that made my nerves bad. 

Like, this many years in the game and your tech guys still can’t get the sound system situation together? Err-um, why in the world weren’t the nominees in the various categories named? Who the hell didn’t realize that Don Cornelius is a thousand years old and anticipate his obvious need for the size of letters on the telepromter to be EXTRA, EXTRA LARGE? And most disturbing- Where was the Michael jackson bio?? All the energy put into Jaime’s wardrobe changes and nobody realized that there wasn’t a complete career bio/ montage prepared? Sigh.  

Jesus take the wheel, ’cause I. Can’t.

sure hope he had his drawers on…

By on June 24, 2009 in honorary white woman, it takes a village, made for the maury show, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

In most cases, there’s nothing funny about police brutality.  Like, at all. But you know my motto- every day is a new opportunity to take it to the next level. Peep game:



Apparently, good ole Carl (who mind you, was recently voted District Officer of The Year) got wind of the fact that his estranged wife was screwing around at the crib with another man.  So naturally, as soon as he got off duty he headed over to ‘get things straight’. 

When he arrived on the scene, I guess homegirl was trying to be on some slick shit and refused to answer the door. (Can’t you hear her now- “Just ignore all that banging baby.  I told you, me and him not together no more.”)

Well don’t you know homeboy smashed a window, stormed in and charged up to the bedroom? 

Once in the bedroom, crazy ass Carl (you like how he went from good ole Carl to the crazy ass, right?) found the freaking Police Chief HIDING out in the closet and proceed to pistol whip and beat FIRE out of that ass.

DAYUM son. Can you say anger management issues? WTF??  I’m gonna need the Chicago Police force to turn off the R.Kelly and pull it together.  Not now, but RIGHT  NOW.

straight norman bates…

By on June 22, 2009 in desperate cry for help, made for the maury show, tagging out, too old for the road

Okay, you know what?  I’m gonna need folks to turn off the Law & Order marathons and step away from the TNT. 


Not now but RIGHT NOW.


This fool straight dressed up like his mother- wig, sunglasses, moo-moo and all, picked up his homeboy to play his part and the two of them headed down to the DMV and tried to get a new State ID for this woman. Mmm-hmm…

But wait on it… the real reason he even got caught is because when his mother’s home was sold into foreclosure (naturally, he wasn’t making any payments), he refused to vacate the premises and tried to sue the new owners-AS HIS MOTHER.

Uh-uh, I. Can’t. Lord, it’s too early in the week for this nonsense…

someone’s not celebrating father’s day…

By on June 17, 2009 in made for the maury show, Mitzi- all day every day, never too grown, pocket full of dirty tissue

So I’m reading the NY Post and there’s a story about a 50 year-old man in LaGrange, NY who stabbed his wife AND his teenage daughter in the neck with an ice pick earlier this morning. Which is crazy enough, but what really takes it over the edge is that neither of the two women is critically injury or dead. WTH?


How is possible to get stabbed in the neck with an ice pick and not be critically wounded?  What kind of weakling is this man? And better yet, how did his punk ass manage to stab the BOTH of them? Not for nothing, but even if they were sleeping when the attack started, wouldn’t the screams from the first person to get stabbed wake the next?   

I’ll tell you what, as much as I love me some Elsa, if someone was stabbing her in the neck with an ice pick, I gots to run and get help. Shooooot… ain’t no point in us both getting shanked. No offense.

Jesus be a good pair of running sneakers.

blame it on the rain…

By on June 10, 2009 in desperate cry for help, made for the maury show, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Goodness this weather is blowing me. I swear, repeatedly waking up to gray skies puts me in the foulest mood. I don’t want to go nowhere, do nothing, talk to nobody, it’s awful.

Shoot, this crappy weather is probably why folks in Ohio have issues like a grown ass, 41 year-old man wearing a bright green woman’s one-piece bathing suit and construction boots harassing women in a public park.  
Yeah, you read that right.  
Apparently dude, was running up on random women and young girls and asking whether or not they liked his outfit. Really?  You’re looking for fashion advice? Sigh.
But the tomfoolery doesn’t stop there…  
In a completely separate incident, a woman caught a man wearing a purple bra and boxers breaking into her car.  Mmm-hmm…  The poor woman said, “I was actually kind of worried.  He was in a bra and boxers and going through my car.  I didn’t know what to think.” 
Yeah, I can see how that might be sensory overload.

CATEGORIES

Contact

Name
Email
Message

Yay! Message sent.
Error! Please validate your fields.
Design by materialdsign.com