made for the maury show | Mitzi Moments

this whiteboy might could get it…

By Mitzi on October 28, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, it's in the genes, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, that sense of entitlement

I gotta give it to the kid, that Levi Johnson never ceases to bring a nice satisfied smirk to my face. You know, kinda like the one that happens when you unintentionally witness a worthless ex get screamed on in public by his crazy ass stripper baby mama (don’t ask). Mmm-hmm… I swear, this dude STAY giving Sarah Palin da BID-NEZZ.

So peep game, now in addition to previously pulling the entire GOP strategy machine’s ho cards out in a recent Vanity Fair expose on what really happened on the campaign trail when they found out about the pregnancy and agreeing to pose nude for the upcoming Christmas issue of Playgirl, homeboy is threatening to personally AIR SARAH’S ASS OUT if she doesn’t quit poppin’ shit about him.

Talking ’bout: “Now it’s my turn. If she’s gonna say things about me, I’m gonna leak things about her. That’s just how it is.”

Oh snap!!! It’s like THAT Levi? Word???

All them Alaska rednecks besta stop staring at their view of Russia and come get this boy…

we down with the ppp…

By Mitzi on October 14, 2009 in end of days, made for the maury show, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Here’s the thing-kids can be mean to one another.

It’s not always fair, but everyone understands that it’s just the way life is… But there’s a difference between being mean and being a goddamn psychopath. And I’m sorry but the three little future serial killers from Deerfield Beach, Florida that laughed about setting a fellow classmate on fire over an unpaid $40 debt are definitely the latter and deserve to be sharing a cell with a 6’5″ 350lb lifer named Big Bertha forreal, forreal.

Like seriously? That poor kid has severe burns on 80% freaking percent of his body. Physically and mentally, he will never be the same. I can’t even imagine the pain he’s in right now. Sigh.

And not for nothing, what kind of parents RAISE children that set people on fire? As far as I’m concerned they should definitely bear some of the responsibility when senseless tragedies like this occur. You know some sort of Poor Parenting Penalty where the parents pay a hefty monetary fine AND are sentenced to hard labor.

Cause bottom line- at some point, the B.S has to come to an end.

next stop is not dancing w the stars…

By Mitzi on October 7, 2009 in end of days, i die, made for the maury show, work it white girl

Okay, you know what? There are definitely times when actions speak louder than words. And this video is screaming right now. Or maybe that was just me after watching it for the first fifty times…. ‘Cause when I tell you, this right here, Made. My. Day.

I can 99.9% GUARANTEE you, this little girl’s parents have NO idea their daughter is jamming on the ones like this. Like seriously? Goldilocks ain’t missed a beat. Matter-of-fact, my old ass would probably sit the hell down if I saw her on the dance club.

Now, I’m hesitant to blame it all on the nanny… For one, most of the nannies I see sitting out in the parks barely want to look at the kids they’re supposed to be taking care of let alone take the time to teach they how to pop their booties. And quite honestly, there’s just as good of chance homegirl learned it at school from one of her classmates. But still… it damn sure took a nanny to cue the music, videotape the solo performance and put it up on the web.

Feel free to insert Dead Fish Eyes.

With that said, I’d like to dedicate this to all the Upper East Side and Park Slope parents whose kids are being raised by someone else. Um, Barbie and Ken? It’s time to reassess.

munchies like a mo-fu…

By Mitzi on October 5, 2009 in end of days, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Err-um, what in the lowest-common-denominator-next-stop-is-the-crackhouse hell is happening in the suburbs??

According to the NY Daily News, over the weekend Norwell, Massachusetts authorities arrested a couple for assaulting a fellow patron outside their local KFC restaurant. Why? Apparently, homeboy, 31 year-old Jared Garfagna and his girlfriend, 24 year-old Sara Mohn became pissed off with the slowass service and the two started wildin’ out inside the restaurant. In response, this random dude asked/ told them to keep all that crazy screaming and cussin’ to themselves- for the sake of the children (aww, we love the good samaritan who sticks up for the kids).

Unfortunately, that didn’t go over as well with the ghetto Bonnie and Clyde. At. All. And when dude came outside, the two of them beat FIRE out of him!

Umm-hmm, the po-po said that Jared cold clocked the man upside the head while good ‘ole Sara got a couple of swift kicks in. Okay, maybe they didn’t say it EXACTLY like that but… Poor guy wound up with cuts on his eyelids and wrists. Ouch.

Seriously?? Over some damn fried chicken? Sigh.

KFC is the devil ya’ll.

where 2 or more gather…

By Mitzi on September 30, 2009 in made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

In what can only be further proof that we are living at the end of days, a Pentecostal church in Louisville, Kentucky has knowingly ordained a convicted sex offender as their newest minister. Um, feel free to insert dead fish eyes, right HERE.

Apparently, the minister, Mark Hourigan was convicted of sexually abusing an 11 year-old boy in central Kentucky. He served 5 years (lemme guess, this is where he found God) and is now officially listed on Kentucky’s sex offender registry for the rest of his life. Really?

Now, I’m not saying that dude doesn’t have a right to religion but an ordained minister? Come on! Forget about celebs and athletes, aren’t ministers supposed to be role models?

I’m just saying.

d-list certified…

By Mitzi on September 11, 2009 in i'm not ready to be a grandmother, made for the maury show, work it white girl

Hate her or love her, comedienne Kathy Griffin can’t lose. I swear, this clip of her spoofing Kate Gosselin a.k.a the current Queen of Gossip Rag Exploitation is priceless.

What you know about the dead-on reverse mullet wig? Or giving your clearly Mexican looking children the tears of fame to drink? Oh and for the record, I die for the surgery scars!

tears of a clown…

By Mitzi on September 10, 2009 in it's not a game out there, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out

Hmmm, so while President Obama was figuring out 50 different ways to politely shank the Republican party in that amazing speech on health care that he delivered last night, apparently former NJ Net Jayson Williams was up in the State Supreme Court falling out and LITERALLY crying poor.

Mind you, this the same dude who made at least $87 million bouncing a call around for a living. Uh-huh and now he’s talking ’bout, there’s no money and he’s broke. Feel free to insert blank stare with three blinks.

Err-um Jayson honey, I’m sure you thought that Obama was bringing the era of the lightskin man back but it ain’t get this far honey. At. All.

Granted, $200,000 (which is actually backdated 6 months to March ’09) is a whole lot of money for someone who probably had to barter his left testicle to cover all those criminal defense fees to pay in spousal/ child support. Mmm-hmmm… remember that messy trial? And the unfortunate taser incident shortly thereafter? Sigh.

But dude, ain’t nobody tell you to shoot that limo driver and then try and hide the evidence. And at the end of the day, there’s only so much sorrow that I can muster for someone who lists not one but THREE homes and an ownership in a professional lacrosse team amongst his assets.

Yeah, survey says- no thank you.

when boiling point isn’t hot enough…

By Mitzi on September 8, 2009 in end of days, it ain't easy, made for the maury show, tagging out

Can you imagine living in an apartment that smelled so bad, people assumed there was a DEAD BODY inside???

According to the NYPost, the cops were originally called to an apartment complex in Long Island City for a domestic dispute but the noticeable stench and dead flies outside of one of the other apartments caught their attention. So after knocking on the door and getting no response, they reported a possible dead body in the apartment.

Later in the day, fire fighters showed up to bust down the door and recover the corpse. And that’s when a very much alive tenant, Ming Li Sung surprised them by jumping out up from underneath piles of trash, and yelling “Get out! Get out!” *

But wait on it… Not only were police officers on the on the scene straight vomiting from the smell of rotting garbage but when they tried to remove the trash AN ARMY OF ROACHES ran out into the hall!!! Please feel free to insert image of me running in circles, screaming my head off and scratching myself to death right about NOW.

You know, there are so many things wrong with this situation, I don’t know where to begin…

First of all, how are you even able to breathe when the air is so stink that the flies are dying on the outside the apartment?? What you got, an extra pair of lungs?

Then all that jumping up out of the piles of garbage? No ma’am, this ain’t some Jason-Woorhees-meets- Micheal-Myers-in-da-hood-esque movie. That fool is lucky one of those firefighters didn’t split his head in two with a damn axe.

And the river of roaches flooding out of the apartment? Uh-uh… there ain’t no way. If you want to live amongst the roaches and rats your ass is more than welcome to hit the streets. Do NOT play yourself and move next door to me. Cause I am not the one. I would’ve been banging on that door night and day until your nasty ass did something about the tomfoolery.

Now please excuse me while I go take a scalding hot shower.

it takes a village…

By Mitzi on September 2, 2009 in end of days, it's in the genes, it's not a game out there, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, that sense of entitlement, too old for the road

It’s official, poor white trash is NOT handling the recession well. No ma’m, Not. At. All.

Exhibit A: Why did this crotchety, old, white, serial killer look alike in Stone Mountain, Georgia get beside himself while shopping in Wal-Mart and slap FIRE out of some woman’s child because the little girl was crying too much??

But wait on it… Apparently the 61-year old, Roger Stephens didn’t know Sonya Mathews or her 2 year-old from NOWHERE. As in, they were complete strangers up until the moment they turned down the same aisle.

Then according to the news report, Roger warned her that “if she didn’t quiet down the child, he would do it for her.” And just like that, when the ‘ole girl didn’t do anything, he proceeded to slap the little girl not once but SEVERAL times across the face. Talking ’bout, “See I told you I would shut her up.” I. Am. Done.

Jesus be a fresh pair of Depends cause I swear I’m peeing on myself right now.

Now I admit… there have been many a day where I’ve fantasized (vividly) about smacking fire out of some unruly brat throwing a temper tantrum in a grocery store or public place of business. Especially when it’s clear that all the cerebral ” we don’t hit, we do time-outs” bullcrap some of these parents are using isn’t worth the spit coming out of the kid’s mouth and the lil’ punk really just needs a swift backhand to cut the shit short. But these are my FANTASIES.

Now homeboy right here? He is bananas.

And more importantly, I’m just trying to envision what-in-the-petite-weakish-non-violent-hell this woman looks like or comes from. ‘Cause not for nothing, I really wish a random old man would go hard with ANY of the women I know that have kids. SHEEEIT. All I’m gonna say is, this right here is the reason for emergency bail money savings accounts.

Let the police sirens wail…

lowest common denominator…

By Mitzi on August 28, 2009 in desperate cry for help, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out

Okay- so in the pure, unadulterated tomfoolery of the day: the unnamed Tunisian woman who earlier this week claimed to be pregnant with twelve kids via IVF has been exposed as a fraud. And surprise, surprise, suddenly homegirl and her aiding and abetting husband have gone into hiding. Whatever.

I know everyone wants to famous/ special and important but who-in-the-worthless-excuse-for-a-life hell lies about being pregnant with 12 kids? No ma’am, this type of foolishness is a perfect example of what happens when folks start talking just to hear the sound of their voices.

Jesus be the overbooked looney bin.

Page 10 of 5 8 9 10 11 12

Mitzi Moments

CONTACT

Category: made for the maury show