going to hell in a handbasket | Mitzi Moments

why old people don’t do clubs…

By Mitzi on December 17, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

So me and my girls went out on Tuesday night. You know, tis the season to be heading out into freezing cold in the middle of the night half-dressed in the name of a some holiday party or in this case, my friend Patty’s 40th Bday Bash. Now, overall the outing was actually really fun times. I mean, thanks to D. supplying us with the live entertainment as she got her grind on with the random guy who just so happened to be wearing one of those ex-con home arrest ankle monitoring bracelets. Uh-huh, as in ‘I just got out 12 hours ago and wanna get my party on before I have to check-in with the C.O.’ Mmm-hmmm, very Law &Order classy. *DEAD*

Moving on- because I told her that I wouldn’t talk about her momentary lapse of sanity. But I know ya’ll can keep a secret- Why are my ears STILL ringing from the damn music two day later??

Like seriously, yesterday I had an interview for this cool non-profit that I hope to be working with in 2010. And the whole time I’m sitting there trying to read lips and trying not to speak too loudly. Sigh. Uh-uh, my nerves are too bad for this kinda ish.

Needless to say I’m now, walking around here convinced that that loud ass sound system and wackass DJ- who randomly launched into this loud ass techno/ Pop Rock set in a room full of black people (where they do that at?)- has permanently impaired my hearing. Good grief.

Of course, none of this is going to stop me from carrying on with the rest of the holiday festivities. No sir. I will be up in Sin City tonight celebrating Karina’s birthday… Even if a bish gotta wear earplugs.

Don’t judge me (or my locked down lovin’ friend).

sleeping with one eye open…

By Mitzi on December 6, 2009 in end of days, going to hell in a handbasket, it's not a game out there, made for the maury show, tagging out

Just when you think you really know a person…

An HIV-positive man in Auckland, New Zealand was recently arrested for injecting his sleeping wife with his blood and infecting her with the fatal disease. Good GOD.

Apparently, the 35 year-old man was initially diagnosed during mandatory health-checks when the family of four moved to New Zealand in 2004. Even though she nor their children were infected, the woman chose to remain married and living with the man. and over the next couple of years things were as fine as they could be under the circumstances. Shoot, they even had ‘relations.’

But in 2007, homegirl had a change of heart. She became increasingly worried that she might also become infected ($100 says that he was probably trying to have unprotected sex with her- mmm-hmm). Ultimately, she insisted that if they continued living together, they would have to be abstinent.

So fast forward to a year later and ‘ole dude starts to get paranoid. He is convinced that the wife is planning to find another man and leave him. Determined to stay together, he pricks her two separate times with a sewing needle laced with his infected blood. Can you even imagine?

But wait on it… after basically condemning the mother of his own kids to a death sentence the maximum jail time this self-serving psycho can receive is FOURTEEN years!! Yep, you read that correctly, 1-4. So basically, this nut job will be a free man at the age of 49. *CRICKETS*

Light a candle and let the prayer circle commence.

i got your ball…

By Mitzi on November 18, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, it's in the genes, work it white girl

I may be a little late on this one but have you seen the video of University of New Mexico soccer player, Elizabeth Lambert Her (yes, I take it she’s German too) literally yanking an opponent from Brigham Young University down to the ground by her ponytail??

Okay forreal, forreal? This ‘ish is CA-Razy!! I couldn’t have made this up if I wanted to- it’s too damn underhanded and vicious. Talkin’ about she thinks it’s all being blown out of proportion because she’s a woman and she was “not out there to hurt players. That would take away from the beauty of the game.”

*Dead Fish Eyes*

No Holly Hobby, let me tell you what would taken away from the beauty of the game. Your lumped up face after the certified ass whooping I would’ve given if your dumb butt had dared to snap my neck back and flip me over face first into the ground by the hair. Bump a damn penalty flag. It would’ve been me, my cleats and the small of your back behind some tomfoolery like this. Trust.

Humph. All I can say is, Jesus be the swift kick to the neck in the name of the game.

this whiteboy might could get it…

By Mitzi on October 28, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, it's in the genes, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, that sense of entitlement

I gotta give it to the kid, that Levi Johnson never ceases to bring a nice satisfied smirk to my face. You know, kinda like the one that happens when you unintentionally witness a worthless ex get screamed on in public by his crazy ass stripper baby mama (don’t ask). Mmm-hmm… I swear, this dude STAY giving Sarah Palin da BID-NEZZ.

So peep game, now in addition to previously pulling the entire GOP strategy machine’s ho cards out in a recent Vanity Fair expose on what really happened on the campaign trail when they found out about the pregnancy and agreeing to pose nude for the upcoming Christmas issue of Playgirl, homeboy is threatening to personally AIR SARAH’S ASS OUT if she doesn’t quit poppin’ shit about him.

Talking ’bout: “Now it’s my turn. If she’s gonna say things about me, I’m gonna leak things about her. That’s just how it is.”

Oh snap!!! It’s like THAT Levi? Word???

All them Alaska rednecks besta stop staring at their view of Russia and come get this boy…

another reason to stick with target…

By Mitzi on September 23, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, pocket full of dirty tissue, too old for the road, why we as a people can't get ahead

See now, this is EXACTLY what I mean when I tell people: can’t nothing good happen in New Jersey… Why in the retirement-home-escapee-hell was an 82-year old man arrested for fondling four different women in a freaking Walmart in Trenton??

As if life isn’t miserable enough when you’re waiting in those long ass lines, now you’ve got the perverted geriatric dude who really should be wasting away in a hospice somewhere rubbing up against you and fondling himself! WTF???

And wait on it- apparently Hector (yeah, that’s really his name) has already served two years in prison for sexual assault and lewdness.

Uh-uh, Jesus take the wheel, because I. Can’t.

hope ‘pretty boy’ floyd is taking notes…

By Mitzi on September 4, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, it ain't easy, it's not a game out there, that sense of entitlement, why we as a people can't get ahead

OMG, this video clip of Oregon State football player LaGarrette Blount dropping Boise State’s Byron Hout like a bad habit is CA-RAZY!

Like seriously? Can someone say, “He got knocked the HELL out??” My god, that poor white boy ain’t even see it coming. At. All.

I only pray that lil’ dude doesn’t lose his football scholarship behind this craziness… Not because I think LeGarrette was right for losing his temper. Cause I don’t. Good sportsmanship is a vital part of the game and Lord knows, there’s NOTHING worse than a sore loser (cough, Kanye West, cough)…

HOWSOMEVER, I am a firm believer that there’s a reason parents teach children to talk with their mouths and not with their hands. At the end of the day, when you lay hands on folks, you besta be prepared to get dealt with. Period.

It’s because the LAST thing we need is another unemployable, angry black man roaming the streets talking about what could’ve been had the man not held him down. Feel free to insert huge sigh and eye roll. No offense, I’m just saying….

Oh and note to all the brand new, fearless, genX pinktoes out there: Puh-lease don’t let Obama and the front row ticket you bought to Jay-Z’s last concert get you gassed. You can still get it.

he makes my ears suicidal…

By Mitzi on August 3, 2009 in end of days, going to hell in a handbasket, tagging out

Ummm, you ever have the feeling that some folks just don’t know when to just be quiet? It’s like they keep going on just to hear themselves speak? Yeah, you too? Well this time, Vincent Nicholos Archbishop of Westminster in England, I’m talking about you.

According to Reuters, dude (who happens to be the Head of the Roman Catholic Church in England) is “concerned that excessive use of emails and mobile phone text messaging is creating shallow friendships and undermining community life.” Now, initially, I almost co-signed on his sentiment but then he had to go that extra inch and hit us in the head with his opinion”that popular social networking sites led young people to form “transient relationships” which put them at risk of suicide when they collapse.” Suicide? Really? Please insert blank look with three blinks.

Listen, I too wish kids nowadays spent waaaay more time running around, playing sports and being carefree than playing video games, talking on cells, sending IMs and stalking one another Myspace/ FB or whatever the hell is the cyberflavor of the month. But I can’t act like back in the day, I wasn’t up until all hours of the night talking/ whispering (’cause each Elsa caught me it was sure to be an ass whooping) on the 3-way call, beeping some cute boy on a those ginormous skytel pagers and acting like I was gonna literally die if my Dad didn’t click over every time the call waiting sound beeped. And guess what? I turned out just fine. So Father God forgive me if I think to imply that suicide is imminent if someone ‘un-friends’ you (especially when you’re the leader of a church) is a bit much…. Oh well.

Jesus be the bungee cord.

lord…

By Mitzi on July 31, 2009 in desperate cry for help, going to hell in a handbasket, moment of silence, too old for the road

So if you were wondering how long it was going to take Eminem to respond to Ms. Mariah’s cute little single, Obsessed (which for the record, I actually like), this video is your answer.

Dayum… can you feel the shank? Marshall went IN.

Ya know, I might be going out on a limb here BUT I’m thinking that Mariah and Nick should probably just go sit down somewhere, be quiet and reflect for a sec. Cause I don’t care how many red carpets you wanna wear between now and forever and this right here… this is NOT okay.

actually, a king’s son is a prince….

By Mitzi on July 22, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, never too grown, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, that sense of entitlement

I must say, yesterday was a lot. First, waking up to the sound of pouring rain and then realizing that my cable/ internet wasn’t working definitely blew me. But in the grand scheme of things, it could’ve always been worse.

Shoot, I could’ve been famed African-American scholar and Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. who got arrested for disorderly conduct after forcing open the jammed front door of the house he LIVES in. Mmm-hmm…

All I can say is thank god today is another day. The sun is shining, the Yankees are tied for 1st place in the Division and apparently Kelis finally delivered her son with Nas. Yes, let the choir sing. ‘Cause I am beyond tired of hearing about those angry twits from the web and reading about the messy divorce proceeding… yeah, I said it.

Not for nothing, if Kesha Nichols can get over being dumped via text message by lame ass, e-thug Richard Jefferson less than a week before their wedding, then my god- its time to pull up your big girl panties and move on the hell on.

Real talk? You skimmed through his first baby mama’s book just like the rest of us… You knew who you married. You rocked your matching satin ‘NIGGER’ jacket with pride. Spare us all the indignant outrage, ridiculous $20,000 a month child support demands and just carry your ass back to the studio.

not even the CL pumps can save her…

By Mitzi on June 11, 2009 in desperate cry for help, going to hell in a handbasket, it ain't easy, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, tapped out, the internet is the devil, why we as a people can't get ahead

Here’s the thing, I’m all for fashion forwardness. I love seeing new trends emerge (so about to cop an adorable one-piece pantsuits) and disappear (baby doll dress be damned).

Even if good old fashioned commonsense/ awareness of my body shape won’t necessarily allow me to get involved (thigh high boots), more power to those constantly push the envelope.

With that said, this morning I have serious beef with Rihanna.

What the in the unholy my-stylist-had-the-night-off HELL was she doing prancing around NYC in a damn over-sized cardigan like it’s a sweater dress??

Shit is a certified wreck. Oh and PS, the random bustier tossed up under there doesn’t make it any better. At. All. Cause really, it just looks like ya girl put on the pretty drawers, the sweater and said bump wearing pants/shorts/anything to properly cover her butt.

Listen, I know the poor thing done been through some shit recently but that’s simply no reason to hit the pavement assed-out and half-naked. Uh-uh, no maam. Not today, not tomorrow, not even on a dare.

But the FORREAL, FORREAL reason that I’m mad at Rih-Rih? For every time her tall and skinny behind tries to pull something crazy like this off. There’s a confused girl with a TOTALLY Different shape following her lead… AND FAILING MISERABLY.

Exhibit A: Homegirl following right behind her in the shiny shirt, leather boots and a crazy looking cardigan vest of her own. Need I say more?

Jesus be a fill-length mirror. Light a candle ya’ll…

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