going to hell in a handbasket | Mitzi Moments

two times is the blessed charm…

By Mitzi on October 4, 2010 in going to hell in a handbasket, keep hope alive, made for the maury show, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Sometimes there’s just so much craziness going on in the world that I have no choice but to block the most sensational sounding stories out.

Hence, why it took 5 days for me to actually bother to read the details on Jesse Shipley, the kid from Staten Island that died in a car crash & for whatever reason, after already determining cause of death; the coroner decided to keep his brain in the office while returning the body to the family for burial.

BLANK STARE w 3 LOOONG BLINKS

Mind you, no one would’ve ever been the wiser except kids from the dead boy’s school just so happened to have a field trip to said coroner’s office. And the genius examiner had Jesse’s brain in a clear jar with his damn name labeled on it out for display.

Yeah, you read that correctly. As in for show n’ tell.

Oh but forget about the traumatized kids who saw their friend’s brain in a jar and the family who realized that they had buried their child without a brain. The best part? Now the family’s priest who refused to consider it a “proper burial” without the brain intact. So the parents had to dig up the body, put the brain inside the carcass and RE-bury their child.

Now, when I tell ya’ll we’re living through the end of days…

*starts tossing holy water like I’m popping champagne*

and kiss my ass puh-lease…

By Mitzi on October 1, 2010 in going to hell in a handbasket, i die, made for the maury show, never too grown

My goodness, rainy Fridays are a drag. I thank God everyday for the ignorance that is YouTube. Without it, I just don’t know how I’d ever make it thru. Okay?

Now I first heard about the According to “ME” Cadillac Kimberly vlog series immediately after the Eddie Long scandal broke. But it wasn’t until I saw THIS video (thank you Michael) that I truly became a fan. Yes, the topic may be a bit old (Fantasia & T.I’s re-arrest) but homegirl’s hilarity is still fresh to death.

Enjoy.

put down the doughnuts…

By Mitzi on September 16, 2010 in going to hell in a handbasket, Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out

Oh the NYPD meter maids… SMH.

It just so tragic how seriously this mean-spirited division of the police department takes itself. Like, it’s not our fault you couldn’t even qualify to fight REAL crime. Tell you what, instead of taking it out on every tom, dick and harry who’s car is even remotely parked near a dead fire hydrant, why don’t you go workout and study a little something? So maybe one day, you can catch a real criminal. No, too much like right? I figured.

*rolls eyes*

So check this out: according to the NY Post a NYPD traffic cop was so busy ticketing a car parked on the wrong side during alternate side of the street cleaning, that the dummy chick didn’t even notice the driver was sitting in the car- DEAD. Oh and wait on it, it’s not like the corpse was leaned back against the seat where he could’ve been mistaken for sleeping. Nope. Homeboy overdosed and died with his body straight slumped over the steering wheel. Can you imagine?

BLANK STARE

Bish, I know all you do for 8 hours is ride around in a little go-cart and bring misery to drivers. But forreal, forreal aren’t you a trained POLICE OFFICER? How you leave a ticket on the windshield and don’t even bother to make sure the car is unattended? Shouldn’t you of all people be AWARE of your surroundings at all times? How you busy telling me, if you see something say something but your oblivious ass ain’t notice a damn CORPSE??

And all fun and games aside, what if dude had been a victim of a violent crime and the perpetrator was still in the area looking for the next victim?? But no. Miss Thang was so busy trying to get back to that ice latte she probably left in the car, she completely missed the actual opportunity to PROTECT & SERVE our community.

Waste of my damn taxes dollars.

long way from the drummond’s crib…

By Mitzi on June 8, 2010 in going to hell in a handbasket, made for the maury show, tapped out, work it white girl

WOWOW… so Gary Coleman’s scary snaggletoothed ex-wife done sold photos of the man on his death bed to The Globe tabloid ???

PAUSE

Real talk? I’m actually at a loss. I don’t even know what to say to that… Who does that???

CONTEMPLATIVE SILENCE

And not for nothing, here my dumbass was trying to give that maniacal lookin’ bish the benefit of the doubt since we all know Gary used to whoop that ass coming and going. Okay? But crazy is crazy…

I mean, first it was the call to 911 where she straight up tells the emergency services operator that she absolutely will not go help resuscitate Gary because “there’s blood everywhere and its just too much.” Then come to find out, homegirl wasn’t even married to the little man no more. Next, she’s all up on TV denying rumors of involvement before folks even had the presence of mind to start talking? And now, she’s fighting the family over burial rights!

DEAD FISH EYES

Lord… Jesus be the next Lifetime movie of the week.

spit goes both ways…

By Mitzi on May 25, 2010 in going to hell in a handbasket, it's not a game out there, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

So I just read the article in the NYT about the 51 bus drivers taking an average of THREE months paid leave after being SPIT on by an angry rider in 2009. And wait on it, in the past year, 80 drivers have already reported being spit on at some point by an angry rider.

SILENCE.

There are so many things wrong with that statement it’s hard for me to get started.

*Inhales deep, deep calming breath*

First of all, who SPITS on people? I don’t know if this became some sort of fad after the craziness of that dirty white girl hocking a fat ball of phlegm at fellow contestant ‘New York’ during season one of VH1’s Flavor of Love but I’ll tell you what…. This ain’t no damn reality TV. You can get AIDS, swine flu and all kinds of foolishness from contact with the wrong person’s saliva. Spitting on someone is beyond nasty, it’s life threatening.

If I was the bus driver, I would’ve taken that as a straight up attempt of my life, and wilded the hellout. Forget taking days off a work, I’m johnny-on-the-spot. I’m gonna do my damndest to shove that ‘ish right back down your throat. I’m just saying, don’t try me.

DEAD FISH EYES.

But on the other hand, unless that saliva started to burn the flesh off your body- there’s NO GOOD REASON anyone should require 3 months or in the case of one man, 191 days paid leave to recover from a spitting incident. Nope, not at all. You’re a New Yorker goddammit. Man up and pull yourself together.At the most take a couple of days, get all your blood tests done, relax your nerves and get back at it.

Cause in case you hadn’t heard, there’s already a freaking MTA budget shortfall to the tune of $400 million dollars.

Blank Stare W/ 3 Looooong Blinks.

Bottom line: I fell your pain. But if you’re that damn scarred, you need to go drive a taxi or snow truck or something. But for God’s sake, don’t bilk my already paying-through-the-nose, single-with-no-kids taxpaying self. Please and thanks.

*kanye shrug*

ain’t nothing sexy ’bout this…

By Mitzi on April 22, 2010 in cuteness kills, end of days, going to hell in a handbasket, it's not a game out there, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Gotta be honest, when I first saw the headlines about Naomi Campbell’s most recent attack my knee jerk reaction was to yawn. Like, so what? Another day, another backhand. It’s freaking Naomi Campbell for God’s sake. She’s probably just off her meds or some such nonsense.

But thanks to the wonders of insomnia, I find myself with the time and energy to find out who caught a bad one. And I gotta say…I’m kinda disgusted with Na-Na for this.

Apparently she slapped a camera out of the hands of the guy who was filming her for ABC News. The reason? The interviewer confronted her about her involvement with the war crimes trial of former Liberian strongman Charles Taylor.

For those who aren’t familiar with Taylor, he is the former President of Liberia and the mastermind behind a civil war that ultimately led to an ethnic conflict of EPIC portions. In addition to embezzlement, this maniac has been accused of the widespread conscription of children as soldiers, assisting rebel forces in Sierra Leone with weapon sales in exchange for blood diamonds, and ordering acts of atrocities against civilians that have left many thousands dead or mutilated, with unknown numbers of people abducted and tortured.

READ: This negro is the mother f’kin’ SPAWN OF SATAN.

But back to Naomi- It looks like back in the day when C.T was the President of Liberia; him, Naomi and her homegirl Mia Farrow were invited to vacay w Nelson Mandela. While there, it’s alleged that dude gave Naomi some ridiculously huge diamond as a token of his affection. Must be nice, huh?

As luck would have it, because of its unique size this particular stone is one of the few with a history that can be traced directly back to the conflict in Sierra Leone and the illegal slave trade. And in essence, send this psycho to jail for life.

But wait on it… ya favorite diva is refusing to testify. Uh-huh, talking about, Mia is a liar (b/c Mia is testifying that Ms. Campbell bragged about the gift at breakfast the morning after), she never received the diamond and further more she’s not going to speak about it. The End. And oh yeah, BAM. She smacked the camera to the floor.

*crickets*

Now, I really, really want to give Na-Na the benefit of the doubt on this and say that she never received any such gift. Cause it’s one this to be a raging, bi-polar, glamazon bitch who truly believes she’s so fabulous she’s above the law. But it’s another thing to aide and abeit a dude that co-signed on training babies to be killers and chopping folks hands off with machetes. So God forbid, if that skinny heifer is just lying to keep in good graces with that uber rich and powerful clique that she runs with…

BLANK STARE

the new kanye…

By Mitzi on March 8, 2010 in going to hell in a handbasket, i die, it's in the genes, love be a cellulite cream, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out

On a whole, I didn’t necessarily dislike the Oscars so much as I felt they were extremely predictable. We all knew Mo’Nique was going to receive a well deserved win and with all the backlash from his notoriously messy divorce and Svengali ways swirling, I also kinda understood it was time for James Cameron to take an L. And quite honestly, I didn’t love most of the dresses… Um, Zoe’s too big purple Can-Can dress? No thank you.

But one thing or rather person I was SO not prepared for was Elinor Burkett, the out-of-control, chubby Willy Wonka looking white woman who bumrushed the stage and pulled a straight Kanye on hapless director-producer, Roger Ross-Williams. No sir, that one COMPLETELY caught me off guard.

Just as the poor guy was about to start speaking, out of nowhere this busty red-head snatched the mic and began to talk over him. LOUDLY. And unlike Kanye, this bish didn’t even give the mc back, Nope, she keep it going till the traveling music started to play.

*crickets*

It’s being reported that Burkett was one of the original producers of the winner of the Best Doc Short Award, “Music by Prudence,” follows Prudence, a disabled woman in Zimbabwe with an incredible singing voice. And that Williams and she had some sort of fall out over the direction of the film and was removed. A year ago.

*Dead Fish Eyes*

All I’m saying is, all’s fair is entertainment and humiliation. And if the entire world can hold a grudge against Kanye and stay crying a river for poor Taylor Swift, then there better be some tears shed for ‘ole dude. READ: Either Rog is now entitled to have his own best year EVER with folks just GIVING him project money and film awards whether he actually has a anything work producing (just like they GAVE Taylor Swift’s semi-talented ass all those Grammys) or I don’t wanna see this chick at another Oscar ceremony for at least the next 5 years. The End.

PS. Peep how in the very beginning Mama Williams blocked Burkett from getting out of the aisle and following behind her son. HEE-Larious!

might’ve worked w bush…

By Mitzi on February 5, 2010 in going to hell in a handbasket, it's not a game out there, made for the maury show, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Okay so I’m not going to get all deep into the details of the group of fake missionaries/ child traffickers from Idaho that were arrested as they attempted to kidnap a group of THIRTY-THREE children form Port-au-Prince, Haiti last week in the name of Jesus. Cause honestly, the facts speak for themselves… And if I get started on the audacity of these white people, preying on the poor, displaced families in the midst of a natural disaster, I may never end.

But very quickly, I’d like to draw your attention to this picture taken yesterday afternoon of two of the women in the group- a mother and child. Now be clear, these two women are headed BACK to jail after being charged with child abduction and criminal conspiracy, and they’re what? Laughing.

DEAD FISH EYES.

I gotta tell you, I wouldn’t think a damn thing was funny if I was innocent and my ass was headed back to a freakin’ Haitian jail. No ma’am. Not. At. All. But I guess the key word there is ‘innocent,’ huh?

I sure hope them heifers don’t think that just cause they’re white Americans everything is gonna to eventually blow over. SMH. Cause them days is over…

SOMEBODY CUE THE TRAVELING MUSIC.

singing the same ‘ole song…

By Mitzi on December 29, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, i die, keep hope alive, pocket full of dirty tissue, too old for the road, why we as a people can't get ahead

Hmm, so I finally got around to watching this infamous (and seriously redundant) Dateline segment on ‘The Plight of Single Black Women’. Umm…. Yawn. Clearly, Dateline either ran out of white girls that slept with Tiger Woods or just needed a quick bump in their ratings.

Like seriously? We’re going into a new DECADE and we’re STILL talking the same ‘ole ‘last good black man standing’ bullshit? Yeah, no thank you. I am so tired of hearing how hard it is to find a decent Black man. Note to the masses: having a degree, well-paying job, nice apartment and fly car does not make you a decent human being.

Here’s an idea: Instead of regurgitating the same doomsday dating info, why not produce a segment on all the new and young married females (African American and White) who are ABSOLUTELY miserable. Yeah, I’m talking about the countless women who regret the day they rushed down the aisle because it seemed like ‘the right thing to do.’ And now, the poor things are facing an embarrassing/ expensive divorce or worse, wasting the best years of their lives in an unhappy situation.

Quietly, I’m sure we all know just as many single ladies on the prowl as married ones who in retrospect, if given the choice, WOULD NOT choose to be with the same man they married.

*dead fish eyes*

Cause not to be funny or seem extra callous about the situation, but at the end of the day the women that I associate with and consider peers would much rather be alone and feel lonely- than be in a relationship and still feel lonely.

Let the choir sing…

pick ya poison…

By Mitzi on December 18, 2009 in end of days, going to hell in a handbasket, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out

Wow, there’s a lot going on for the Friday before Xmas break, huh?

First, there’s Cincinnati Bengal Chris Henry’s untimely, tragic ACCIDENTAL death (yeah, I’m calling it an accident. ‘Cause if you jump in the bed of the truck that I’m driving to get the hell away and you subsequently fall out- That ‘ish is NOT my fault). My sincere prayers go out to all of his family and friends.

Then, Mama Tina (finally) filed the divorce papers. Now, I’m no fan of divorce but can’t say I blame the woman. She’s too damn old to have to adopt and raise yet ANOTHER one of Papa Knowles’ illegitimate offspring. She did her part w/ Kelly. This time around, Matthew is on his own. No offense.

And in what, as a professional writer,I consider to be a particularly disheartening and downright disgusting story, it seems the Wayans brothers are getting sued AGAIN for stealing someone else’s book/film idea. COME ON. Like seriously, there are not one, not two, but THREE of ya’ll Negroes. Is it that damn difficult to a) chip in and PAY folks for their intellectual property or b) CREATE your own ‘ish??? *DEAD FISH EYES*

But seriously, who needs to gossip about celebrities when real life is so freaking off the chain?

Just yesterday a career criminal who had 14 prior arrests for offenses that include manslaughter, assault, drugs and robbery, kicked in the door of a fellow con he met while serving time for manslaughter and killed dude, his brother and his father. According to the NY Post “Gunman Hector Quinones blew away 24-year-old Carlos Rodriguez Jr., and his father Carlos Rodriguez Sr., 52, and then repeatedly stabbed grandfather Fernando Gonzalez, 87, to death before the elder Rodriguez’s wife and adult daughter walked unwittingly into the carnage in the apartment they all shared.”

But wait on it… As the genius is attempting to make his getaway down the fire escape, he got tangled up in his baggy pants, tripped and PLUNGED three stories to his death.

*crickets*

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