Category: feedback

Question- do Black people really date? Oh yeah? I don;t know, I’m not always convinced…

I vividly remember back in the day when I lived in CT and attended a primarily white school. Any number of my female white classmates, would go out of these mythical “dates” with a Tom on Friday, meet-up with Dick after the hockey game on Sat and then study with Harry on Wednesday. And wonders of all wonders, everyone knew about it on Monday. But none of the three guys was remotely upset or even called her a slut-bag because she was what? DATING. And god bless her heart, she wasn’t required to be exclusive and chose to see as many guys as a weekend could hold.

Now take that same scenerio amongst the African -American students. Let’s say Shaniqua kicked with Tyrone on Friday, hung out with DaQuan at the roller rink on Sat and met up with Marcell on Sunday after church. And same way, by Monday morning everyone would know. BUT, in this case the ENTIRE school would be calling her a two-bit trick. By the Monday afternoon, Tyrone would’ve beat Daquan ass and gotten suspended for two weeks. Then after the final bell rang, Marcell’s two sisters (that went to the other high school across town for juvenile deliquents) would’ve arrived to cuss poor Shaniqua out for trying to be cute and playing their baby brother out.

Laugh all you want, you know I’m right.

So now fast forward a bit and tell me this… is it because of the aforementioned unspoken but widely accepted black dating rule that the majority of us are conditioned to deal with only one person at a time? And more depressingly, even as supossedly mature adults we continue to behave like we OWN (lock, stock and shackled) every person we’ve ever dated years after the break-up?

It must be. Cause this the ONLY rational reason that I can conjur up with to explain why 60% of you would get pissed off if a JUMP-OFF decided to seriously date your friend.

Forreal, forreal? That wasn’t your soulmate… that’s an individual that you had sex with during creep hours. You know, the one that you wouldn’t bother to call because a simple ‘What’s good?’ text was more than enough to get the party started. Mmm-hmmm. So then tell me, how in the world do you earn the right to feel aways because they genuinely like your friend and want to date her/him? Uh-uh save your breath. I don’t care how you wanna spin it, you’re a hater.

Or maybe I grew up around too many pinktoes… Because I’m so with the 39% who could give a crap what a booty buddy does after I’m finished with the situation. I’ve have always believed in the throwaway theory- one woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure. There is no need to hoard any of the eligible jump-offs in the world. If he’s worth the trip across town, you really only need one at a time anyway.

Besides, I’m too busy trying to meet my Mr. Right. With any luck, dating you will keep that fool from texting me again. Okay?

I promise you, I have some of the BESTEST ex-boyfriends in the world. Like I always say, as soon I end a relationship, shit just comes together for the dude. Out of nowhere they all transform into these intelligent, caring, mature MEN. You know, the great guys who are always willing to lend a hand or listen when you need to vent? Suddenly, they want to share and confide. Mind you, wasn’t nary of this generousity or openess in effect during the time we were officially ‘girlfriend and boyfriend.’ But you know why, right? Keyword: END.

Uh-huh, its heartbreaking but the majority of negros gots to have their toys taken away before they can figure out how to play nice.
So it makes sense why 40%, can envision yourselves getting married to an ex if he were to show up on the doorstep with ring RIGHT NOW. Afterall, when they’re not pissing you off on a regular basis, the potential that attracted you to them initially becomes visible again. And not for nothing but after all that work you done put it? Shaping and molding that fool? Yeah, I can see how that might could be the golden ticket.

But after careful thought, I’m rolling with the 60% who have absolutely no interest in marrying any of my exs that are still available if they showed up on the doorstep. No sir. It ain’t that damn easy. And you and I BOTH know that as soon as you start laying up under me again the tomfoolery will commence. And bigger than the fact that NO ONE will remotely feel sorry for you (’cause you should’ve known better), I’m just not interested. No thank you.
Call it what you want but I prefer my exs kissing my ass than being my lawfully wedded pain in the ass.

Alot of my poll questions come directly from conversations with friends (yes, we probably spend a lot more time than necessary talking about sex and the politics of sex). But then there are some questions that come straight out of the inappropriate/ politically incorrect corner in my mind. I’ll admit, the question, “Do you remember everyone that you’ve ever had sex with?” came out of the corner.

And I must admit, it is really impressive to learn that a whopping 80% of you guys are able to recall the names of ALL the people you’ve slept with. Most of us have been at this for more than a decade, so my guess is either you’re really good at holding out, secretly keeping a list or got the memory of a freakin’ elephant.

As for the 20% who can’t… Well lets just say, I’m not mad. Shoot, unless you’re out there having unprotected sex, who needs to remember all the names of people that in the grand scheme of life meant as much as the UPS man that drops off packages at your mom’s house?

Keep it real, don’t we all lie about the number anyway? If it’s super high, you’re gonna make it lower to avoid seeming slutty. If it’s super low, you’ve got to make it higher for anyone to believe you. Sorry kids, that’s just the breaks.

Bottom line, there are more important things to remember (like the name of the girl in the Catherine Malandrino store that can hook me up with a discount) than the guy who couldn’t get it up without wearing his favorite sweatsocks. Right?

In general, I find Monday mornings can be difficult. But the first Monday after the end of the year holidays is absolutely the worst! It’s like there’s all this pressure to get your life started on the right track ASAP or you risk being a total failure for the rest of the year. It’s crazy, right?

Luckily for my mazy butt, over the break, I was slacking on the posting game, so I have lots of old polls to discuss. Mmm-hmm, bet you thought I forgot about the whole “are you still down for a one night stand” question that I asked a trillion moons ago. Not so fast you sluts! LOLOL.
Actually the phrase sluts might be a bit of an exaggeration. Turns out that only 31% of you guys are still down for the one-time anonymous jump-off. Guess all that spontaneity went the way of that morning after STD tests for the remaining 69% huh?
But I have to say, I’m not surprised. I don’t care how “safe” you think you’re being if you’re having intimate relations-at least if they’re any good-there’s gonna be some sort of body fluid contact. What if god forbid you’re that random 1% that gets knocked up or worse… Remember the oozing sores and cauliflower penises from those awful health class STD films? So nasty.
I admit, it probably seems like I suffer from a bit paranoid but shoot, if a Black man can become President anything can happen. Elsa’s daughter did not make it this many years to turn around and become the senseless Maury statistic… period.
And seriously, you know that no matter how much you might intend for it to remain a one-night stand- with all the advances in modern day technology can’t nobody truly disappear nowadays. Knowing my crazy dating karma, I’d finally meet someone worth talking about and get caught out for screwing one of his homeboys two years ago on a girl’s getaway weekend to Puerto Rico when he posts pictures of us up on Facebook?? Talking about, my homeboy from third grade said that he knows you… Uh-uh, no puedo.

Although no one’s ever mistakenly called me by another woman’s name, I have to admit I’ve been known to slip up a time or two or okay maybe even, three… Oops. (Hey, I can’t help it if I know a lot of men-hee hee)

BUT, in my humble opinion, all the flipping out, getting mad and kicking a fuss that 48% of you are threatening to do seems a tad futile if the offense was committed during sleep. No one intentionally makes that kind of mistake when they’re awake and alert (trust me), let alone what he/she can control during a deep slumber.

And let’s be honest, most people forget their dreams soon after waking. Do you really want to remind them that they were thinking about another person? Hmm, didn’t think so. Cut your eyes all you want but let’s be clear- it’s gonna piss me off royally if you wake me up in the middle of the night to discuss something that I can’t even remember. I’m just saying.

Needless to say, I’m with the 51% who just don’t think it’s worth it. I don’t wanna fight. Maybe it’s the dude in me but can’t we just be glad that we’re here together and not worry about what’s really going through my head???

So 51% of you guys prefer to get it popping with the lights on?? Very progressive, aren’t we? Could it be that the Dove Campaign For Real Beauty is actually on to something? Have we finally learned to embrace the body’s natural lumps and bumps? Hmm, knowing my triflin’ friends it’s probably all the access to countless YouTube videos of super, super-sized women wearing bras and thongs/ dental floss (as seen on my new guilty pleasure http://www.yeahisaiditandwhat.blogspot.com/). But whatever it takes… it’s good to know that we’re a-okay working with what our mamas gave us. Thanks Els!

Oh and I’m so sure it won’t be much longer until the 43% of you guys on the fence with the over-exposure issues fall into the bucket with the rest of us exhibitionists. As much money as the cute undies cost? Who wants to be hiding? I need you to see the product and the overall vision. This way, you can understand why I wanna wild out when you carelessly break a strap or rip the seam.

As for the remaining 5%… Let’s see, what can I say… Um, have fun fumbling around in the dark? I sure hope you’re using protection and making your partner go to the doctor on a regular basis. ‘Cause if they can’t see you, guess what? You can’t see it. And I am not the one for crazy surprise that can happen in the dark. No sir.

One of my least favorite sayings in the world is: Ain’t nothing worth having ever come easy.

WHY NOT? Why can’t I get rich without trying? Why won’t this article write itself? Why can’t I meet the perfect partner, get married and live happily ever after? Why can’t I have thighs of steel without stepping foot in that stinky New York Sports Club gym ever, ever, ever again? Huh, dammit? (insert moment of silence for me to cut the crap and pull myself together).

Okay so now that I have that out of my system, can we talk about the 26% of you guys in relationships with people who, that if circumstances were ideal, you might not share a cup of coffee with let alone have sex? Good grief, this is just so depressing to me. I mean I hear you with the whole, “real relationships require work and compromise.” But seriously?

Perhaps (and I’m quite sure I have an ex or two that’d agree), I’m still deep in my selfish stage… but is it really better to be with Mr. Whatever than Mr. He Works-It-Out?

Like seriously, are the 53% of us holding out for the fairytale bugging? It’s okay, you can tell us. Even if we are; I know I’m trying to get into as much tomfoolery as possible while in this blissful state of denial. Cause there’s nothing worse than the miserable single chick. It’s like for all that , you might as well go ahead and settle down with the whatever approaches you on the next trip to the grocery store (’cause you know nothing says come and get it, like a ratty pair of sweats and dingy head scarf).

As for 20% of you who swear that you’ve found your soul mates- dirty drawers and all- Can you please stop being so stingy with the info? How did you do it? Where did you go? And did you see unicorns while you were there? No sir, I’m just playing.

I think we can all agree, there’s a big difference between what people say they want and what they can really deal with- especially when it comes to relationships.

As a friend, there’s nothing more stressful than catching your BFF’s significant other cheating. Even if you can’t stand the best bone in said individual’s body; no one wants the bad dating karma associated with ending a romantic relationship. AT ALL. But I think it’s even worse if you only THINK you saw something inappropriate…

It’s like, if you say something and you’re wrong, not only have you started unneccessary mess but your credibility is shot to shot to shit. And we’re not even touching on the tension/ drama that’s guaranteed to pop off the next time you see the significant other because 1) YOU KNOW they’re getting back together and 2) no matter how much she swears she won’t divulge where she “heard” the info, pillow talk is like chinese water torture out’s all coming out.

But on the flipside, if you don’t and it turns out to be true…. Hell hath no fury like a friend who thinks their own BFF knew that they were the laughing stock of the city and didn’t “care” enough to say something. No sir, you don’t want to have THAT conversation either. Because in addition to losing that one friend, any mutual friends will now be giving you the “she’s a shady friend who’ll let her girl get played out” side-eye behind your back.

I know, I know, you just can’t win.

Well if it’s any consolation, like myself, 83% responded that even if a friend merely THINKS that she/ he saw your significant other acting up, they want to know. And yes, we understand that your intel may or may not be correct. But bottom line? I know that I’m not gonna say something unless deep in my heart, I really, really think something is wrong. So until proven wrong (as in straight soap opera- she was deceiving me to screw my man type mess) I’ll assume the same for my girls (and Geoff). I’d MUCH rather receive a heads-up from a trusted source than be blindsided by the tomfoolery in the streets. And if you just can’t bring yourself to do it, DO NOT tell me after the shit hits the fan! I’m warning you now… You will get cussed out and cut off.

And while clearly I don’t believe in sticking my head in the sand… Good for the 16% of you that know yourself well enough to just say no. Sometimes a little ignorance greases the wheels of life. If deep down inside you know that you’re not unwilling to confront the bs head-on, then no, don’t let people come drop it like it’s hot on your doorstep. And be upfront! Puh-lease don’t go hard like you want the 411 (you know who you are), only to end up miserable and mad at me b/c every time the main squeeze says he’s coming home late you wanna send out the bloodhounds. Instead, let us all hope, for your sake, that the sidepiece doesn’t get out of pocket and decide to come knocking.

Unfortunately, domestic violence is like SARS. It’s just one of those things that no one ever sees coming. Like honestly, would you really get involved with a person if you could envision them smacking fire out of you or worse, leaving you dead in a ditch on the side of the road? Yeah, I didn’t think so. But approximately 33 million people have found themsleves in that situation at least once in their lives. Since, it’s clearly out of most of our control-and I say most b/c when dude tells you that he has anger management issues and you just giggle it off, then you know what you’re signing up for-the $1,000,000 question is:

When it goes down, what are YOU gonna do?

I mean it’s not like back in the day, when your parents could just step in or even better, your brother/ cousin would beat that butt and he’d never even think about looking at you again. Nowadays, not only are you on your own but you’ve also got to worry about this nonsense affecting your personal (cause neighbors are always good for the gossip) and professional life (God forbid crazy gets out of hand and he shows up at the job). JESUS.

I definitely understand why the 37% voted to handle the matter privately. It took a long time and a lot of energy to build your reputation and career. Whereas it only takes one incident and a few words in the wrong person’s mouth to destroy everything. As long as you’re physically okay and absolutely certain the person isn’t going to come back to make your life a living hell, then it’s probably natural to want to move on with your life. And quietly I’m sure many of you aren’t calling the police is because you already called your dad/ brother/ thugged out cousin and his boys to man-handle that fool right quick.

However, I’m with the 62% of you who don’t give a damn what the so-called stakes are. If it pops off; I’m calling the po-po, pressing charges AND seeing that mo-fo in court. So what if everyone whispers “you should’ve known better: or that “it’s a such a shame” when I pass by. Like Elsa always says- that ain’t nothing but nine days talk. Fingers crossed his butt will be sitting in a cell or on probation for a much longer period of time.

You know, what I’ve learned over the years is that I’m not an exception. If dude put his hands on me, there’s a good chance he’s hit before and will do it again afterwards. As much as I want him out of my life, I don’t want him to get away with doing that to the next chick. Hopefully, a spot in the police blotter and a little jail time will make that fool think long and hard before getting physical with anyone’s daughter/ sister/ neice/ BFF.

Contrary to popular belief the reason I asked you guys what was the youngest age you’d consider dating is not because I’m trying to rationalize hooking up with a 21 year-old (been there, passed on that). Actually, it’s because of a conversation I shared with my girl about an article that ran about a week ago in the NY Daily news. The story covered a 37 year-old Queens teacher who was fired because sleeping with a 17-year-old male model. Normally, I am very anti teachers of any age sleeping with their students (especially if she looks like this one/ see photo). But, I must say the specifics on that case are a tad suspect… the two initially met when he was twelve but they didn’t have sex until he was sixteen. And the kid isn’t exactly “a student” because he’s been overseas working on various campaigns since middle school (read: dude only has a 7th grade education). But I as usual, I digress. So after hearing about all that drama and confusion, naturally I was curious how low you would go…

Surprisingly, 10% were actually willing to date someone in their early twenties. I must say, that’s very admirable of you. Personally, I’m not so sure how long I could last with someone who hadn’t been alive long enough to share my memories of the Force MDs, multi-colored scrunchi socks and bad jheri curls.

As expected, the majority of folks like myself (47%), said that they were willing to dabble in the late twenties dating pool. All you nonbelievers, go on and admit it, a little less common sense and a little more energy never really hurt nobody.

However, a whole 42% refuse to even consider anything below the 30 year mark. Really? So old? I mean, ain’t that man-breast and beer gut territory nowadays? Don’t you wanna live a little dangerously? I guess I can sorta see where the whole idea of building a foundation on mutual interests and shared intelligent conversation probably swayed that selection… there are going to be those slightly annoying periods of time when the two of you are doing more than having sex, right?

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