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sorry Corky…

By Mitzi on July 20, 2009 in feedback

Slow news days… that is unless you want to discuss Michael Vick coming off of house arrest or that Chris Brown’s bodyguard is allegedly selling his sneakers on Twitter. Yeah, me neither.

So I guess we’ll go to the polls. Ah, here’s a good one we never got to talk about:

What’s a bigger turn-off: a filthy kitchen or a nasty bathroom?

14%- filthy kitchen

85%-nasty bathroom

Mind you, I’m far from a neat freak. If anyone understands a little clutter in the NYC sized one bedroom it’s the girl who works in her living room. But a grimy kitchen or bathroom? Oh hells naw, the sight of either one of the two are deal breakers. Period, with no discussion to be had.

But if I must choose one evil over another, I’m going with the majority- the bathroom is a bigger problem.

Because not for nothing, we can always eat out but at some point, my weak bladder is going to betray me. And I WILL have to pee. And not that I’m ever sitting down on anybody’s toilet seat besides my own BUT just the sight of gross brown bowl underneath me is too much. Oh and what about when I go to wash my hands? What am I supposed to turn on the faucet with the edge of my fingernails?? No thank you.

It’s like how do you expect me to believe that you were able to truly get clean in a filthy bathroom? No way. I’m not buying it. Which in essence makes you a perpetually dirty individual…. which can only mean that you carry more than your fair share of germs… which means you’re going to make me sick. Uh-Uh, Simon says stop right there.

And big picture? Why don’t you care enough to clean? You knew I was coming… What neuron didn’t fire off the message to your brain that it’s not appropriate to allow the person that you’re dating/ trying to be intimate with to spend time in the crib when your bathroom is unclean? No ma’am.

Call me an elitist but I’m just not the one for dating the disabled. You and all those little hair from when you shaved your beard off have gots to do better.

you’re better than me…

By Mitzi on July 16, 2009 in feedback

I so love reading about President Obama making power moves… first and foremost pushing forward on the much-needed health care reform and then reversing an ignorant ass George Bush policy that argued severely battered and sexually abused foreign women couldn’t meet the standards of American asylum law.* Sigh.

Nothing sexier than a man on a mission to change the world.

But since the weather is FINALLY warming up, thought we’d keep it light and discuss a really, really old poll question that I almost forgot about my damn self: Have you ever used a prescription/ non-prescription drug to enhance your sexual experience?

And for the first time, I got a unanimous decision- 100% of you guys said – NEVER.

Okay, pause. Seriously? NOBODY has EVER smoked a little weed, popped ecstasy, used one of those over the counter creams to help the erection last longer or slathered on a gel to make the vajay-jay tingle???? Feel free to insert: serious side-eye right HERE.

Now, I’m not copping to exactly what I’ve done (or worse, whats on my list of things to try before its all said and done) but lets just say that on this right here, I’m definitely NOT one in the 100.

*Be sure to click on the link and read about the crazy court case that kicked off this battle with the former Bush administration. Home girl’s common-law husband was repeatedly raping her at gun point, holding her captive, stole from her and even tried to burn her alive when he found out that she was pregnant. Crazy.

Not for nothing, but it makes a sista wanna give her a nice, strong purse strap…

grown folk bidnezz…

By Mitzi on July 8, 2009 in feedback

When I first sat down to write, my knee jerk reaction was to discuss how much I enjoyed yesterday afternoon’s MJ Tribute. Like seriously, I think I cried for at least two hours straight. Especially when J-Hud and her 8-month pregnant self murdered ‘Will You Be There.’ But since my out-of-wack hormones are a personal issue and you can read detailed coverage damn near any and everywhere, I figure we’ll move on.

Unfortunately, there really isn’t anything to move on to… the Steve McNair drama is ongoing and more depressing by the moment, Plaxico Burress is still tryin’ to figure out how to avoid going to jail for 3 years behind that incident where he shot himself and some poor 2 year-old in England was crushed to death by his parent’s ginormous flat screen when it fell off the wall. Sigh.

So what say we discuss a recent poll? Ahh… here’s a good one: Should you toss the lingerie rec’d from an ex or is it okay to wear it for the next?

This question actually came from my homeboy JC, who was mortified to discovered that a woman he knew (in the biblical sense) was recycling the pretty panties. In fact, he thought it was borderline blasphemy. And wait on it… this highly educated, well-rounded, extensive traveled, sensitive, giving, forreal, forreal no b.s GOOD Black man actually wanted to debate whether he’d be wrong for snatching back all the panties he’s ever bought over the course of his very well seasoned life.

Uh-yeah, please feel free to insert the blank stare and three blinks. Cause even if you agree with him, Indian giving is waaay too 3rd grade for my nerves.

But anyhoo, that’s a whole other poll. Now, when it comes to the question of the drawers, survey says:

28% agree- trash and start fresh

71% disagree- rinse and recycle

Sorry JC, but I told you so.

If it makes you feel any better, in our heart of hearts, I think most women really want to be able to roll with the 28% that are able to trash and start fresh. But there’s a huge difference between what a girl wants and what a woman is able to do.

And regrettably, it is HARD out here for a pimp. While I might be able to catch a little hook-up on some GAP clothes here and there (I hope you guys are still praying), unless you’re living a life where there’s a good chance of paparazzi vying for pics of your panties, ain’t no hand-outs coming ’round from La Perla no time soon. Okay?

Not to mention trying to: A) find the time to shop for lingerie that fits properly (don’t act like that’s not an all day affair) and B) afford the items that really really set it off (cause no matter how much they redesign, the VS just isn’t cutting it nowadays) is A LOT. God forbid I were to just up and chuck EVERY single pair of cute drawers and etc that I’ve received over the years, neither one of us would like what was left. Believe that.

So until I meet the man that I can march up into Henri Bendel for a complete re-up without catching a whole lotta side-eye (read: bitch please) action, me and the majority are just gonna stock up on the Woolite coupons.

sans polish please…

By Mitzi on June 18, 2009 in feedback

I just looked at all the sandals sitting in my closet and had to shake my head. I really, really don’t like rainy days in the summer time a.k.a the open-toe killers.

Speaking of toes, a while back I posted this pedi question:

Would you clip your partner’s toenails?

78% said sure, it wasn’t a big deal

22% wouldn’t do it even on a dare.

Gotta say, I am on the fence about this one right here. Cause in reality, I’m really funny about people’s toenails being too long. That whole, dragging on the sidewalk over the tip f your flip-flops? Oh god, it just makes my nerves bad.

Mind you, my fixation on feet is hardly extreme (no, there’ll be no toe sucking for the kid) but I definitely appreciate it when men take the time to make sure their respective foot game is on point.

So with that said, if the length of my significant other’s toenails are bothering me more than him, then yes, I’m quick to offer my services.

But what if your partner has fucked up feet? You know, the joints that look like bird talons? With all that caked-on dead skin, ginormous bunions and Grand Canyon fissure-like cracks in the heels? Ewwwwwwa (Insert image of me vomiting in my mouth).

Call me funny actin’ but I would be hard pressed to share a bed sheet with anyone who had crazy looking feet, let alone trying to clip the nails. I don’t care how much I like you. As long as you’re looking like close cousins with the barefoot homeless guy outside the Port Authority with all that thick yellow, flaky, fungi growing all up under and around your nails, I’m not the one.

get on your side…

By Mitzi on June 9, 2009 in feedback

Slow news day… Which inevitable leads me to fall back on old poll questions. Here’s one that I’ve been meaning to discuss for a minute: Do you need to be held by your partner after sex?

65% of you said you can take it or leave it.

26% say its a must

7% would rather not.

I see I’m in the minority…

Don’t get me wrong, for the most part I’m a very affectionate person. I always enjoy having my hand held, being held, hugged, kissed, etc by my significant other. My friends will tell you- Mitzi is very big on the PDA.

But all that ‘afterglow cuddling?’ Especially after really, really good sex? Yeah, no.

And I’m not quite sure what that’s about. All I know is I’m exhausted, I need a minute to get myself together and I DO NOT want you draping your heavy thigh over me while I’m trying to find my head scarf and get my heart rate down. At all.

*Truth be told, the only time, I want to cuddle immediately after sex is if it’s wack (and that’s just to hold me back from getting up and getting the hell outta there).

I’m gonna have to pray on that…

i prefer to watch the needle enter the skin…

By Mitzi on May 27, 2009 in feedback

Unless there’s a really good reason, I’ve never been one of those people who cuts off an ex after the romantic aspect of the relation ship fizzles out. Call me crazy but the way I see it is- why throw the baby out with the bath water? Clearly there was something about the person that I liked to begin with if we ended up sleeping together. So why stop speaking just cause we’re not meant to be.

That said, I am still extremely close with a couple of my exs. And when I say ‘extremely close,’ I mean it like, don’t be surprised if they’re throwing rice at my wedding. These select few continue to be some of my closest confidants and sounding boards (trust, there are few people that’ll keep it as real than those who have seen you naked with the silk head scarf on- okay?)

But here’s my thing- how do you tell the new Mr. Right that you and the old boo are still down like 4 flat tires. Cause trust, the whole- “oh that’s just my ex calling the land line” answer does not, I repeat, does not go over well with black men.

For a moment, I was thinking that I’d just invite the ex-BF to the dinner with the current significant other. But let’s just say, that moment lasted right up until I saw the tepid response in a poll I posted a while ago…

According to that, only 26% of you guys support the whole let’s-break-bread movement. Really??? You don’t think that if there’s really nothing romantic left between you and an ex that ‘s a part of your life, you can bring him around the new man? Sigh. that’s so frustrating. ‘Cause when it’s all said and done, doesn’t that translate to shadiness on the part of the 73% who insist that nothing good can come out of the gesture???

Think about it, theoretically the new BF and I would have dinner with any other friend of mine-girl or guy… So why be different with this friend just because it’s a guy that I used to be intimate with. Isn’t the past the past?

I’m just saying. Personally, I would MUCH rather sit across a table from this woman so that I could gauge for myself what’s really hood.

at least folks are pro-active…

By Mitzi on April 23, 2009 in feedback

How excited are we that the FDA is making the morning after pill available to 17 year-olds sans parental consent? Can we say, one less after school special? I know that Obama is busy saving the free world all day everyday but its the little stuff, like the overturning of this ridiculous rule that makes me heart the hell out of that man. Okay?

Speaking of birth control, a while ago-when I was debating switching up my method- I polled you guys about what was the preferred method of contraceptive. Just to see what everybody else was doing and if anything crucial had changed… Um yeah, not so much:

For 45%, the answer is still condoms. 30% said the pill. 12% are now using the Ring. And there’s still that adventurous (if you want to call it that) 12% who are rolling the dice with the rhythm method.

I’m not ashamed to say, I was and still remain with the 45% condom users. I guess my nerves are just too bad. I need to see the peen all wrapped up before I feel completely comfortable getting my swerve on. And what with the resurgence of old school, Woodstock-esque STDs like gonorrhea, chlamydia and syphilis? Uh-uh, I’d rather not have to explain to Dr. Greene what had happened after all the lectures she’s delivered about safe sex during my annual check-up.

I’ve thought long and hard about the pill. I mean with all the new options, who wouldn’t like to have a period every 3 months or possibly not at all? But at 33, it just seems a little late to be jumping on this band wagon. I mean, I want to at least pretend like I’m going to get married and knocked up by the age of 36 (got to speak it into being, right?). Not to mention, who can really afford to gain the extra pounds, acne or facial hair? It’s hard enough out here for a girl as it is without having to do battle with hairs on my chest or hanging from my chinny-chin chin.

Got to say, I’ve heard mixed reviews about the ring. On one hand I have a homegirl who SWEARS by it. and then I’ve heard that it can get moved around… Which in addition to being annoying, wouldn’t abode well for me and the type of guys I prefer to have relations with (uh-huh, you do the math). Not to mention, like the pill there’s that whole hormone thingy. Call me vain but I work damn hard for the basic results. Mama don’t want no extra work, thank you very much.

Oh and as for the rhythm? Until there’s a ring on it AND contracts signed, I won’t know nothing about this one right here. Lord knows, my heart can’t take it when the period is late and I know I don’t have anything to worry about. Can you imagine? I’d be living in a perpetual state of fear. Running to the bathroom every five minutes like I was a80 year old woman with a bladder control issue. Hilarious.

comes naturally…

By Mitzi on April 14, 2009 in feedback

Sometimes I worry that folks really don’t appreciate how much skill it takes to be a proficient procrastinator. Mmm-hmm, say it with me- proficient procrastinator. You know, as in having the ability to look extremely busy while accomplishing absolutely nothing of consequence.

As a self-proclaimed connoisseur of this art, I am constantly on the look out for new and improved time wasters: reading ridiculous celeb blogs, updating on Twitter, figuring out how to use the Garage Band application and but of course, Facebook.

Ah Facebook. Next to taking Drama for a long walk on a sunny day, that right there is my most favoritest of all the time wasters. I mean, seriously? Who needs to write a book proposal or hook up the new printer when I can spend all day catching up with people I haven’t thought about since 8th grade? Oh let’s not forget the god awful party pictures from the opening of a sardine can that you and the crew attended last month??? The BEST.

But sometimes, things on FB can get a little tricky. Especially when it comes to the friend request department… Lord knows that everyone doesn’t need access to all the personal messages that are being left on the Wall or worse, the candid shots from last summer’s trip to the Vineyard. Can I get an amen?

So lemme ask you this, what would you do if an ex from a nasty break-up tried to reconnect and become friends through FB?

According to the poll you took many eons ago, 21% would ‘try to be the bigger person’ and accept the request. 6% would accept to save face and then delete immediately afterwards. While a whopping 71% said you would straight ignore and never respond.

If you know anything about me, you know I’m so rolling with the majority on this one. Ain’t no need to be faking like we cool when we aren’t. You know what you did, I know what I did, now Keep It Moving Shorty. I don’t want you all up in my business and I damn sure don’t care about yours.

And while I understand the political correctness of initially accepting and then deleting, I just don’t care enough. It takes a lot of negative energy to have a messy break-up nowadays. So if our situation was crazy, LEAVE ME ALONE. So what if you’re fat and married with five kids. God bless home girl’s heart, she’s a better woman than me.

In fact, I’m willing to bet that the forreal, forreal reason the 21% of you are so willing to accept the request is just so you can be Facebook spying on folks. Checking for recent pics and to see whether or not he got married before you did. Man, listen. How Jay-Z put it? Oh yeah, what you eat don’t make me shit.

Word.

happy easter weekend…

By Mitzi on April 10, 2009 in feedback

Probably the only good thing about Spring’s reluctant return is that it’s given us a couple more weeks before open-toe season begins. While the Lord knows how excited I am to chuck those heavy ass Gortex snow boots to the back of my closet, mama’s monthly budget is so not looking forward to the weekly cost of the mandatory mani/ pedi. Okay?

Which led me to recall yet another long lost poll question that I never discussed: What takes priority- bikini area or fresh mani/ pedi? (See, it might take a while, but I always get it in.)

74% said that fingers and toes are most important because they’re the thing that everyone sees. While 25% went with the bikini area because its the area the most important people see, no?

Hmmm, this was a tough one. But personally, I think I’m rocking with the minority. Oh and it has absolutely nothing to do with who is or isn’t lucky enough to get up close and personal, thank you very much. Nope, there’s just too much riding on a well groomed bikini area.

I mean there’s the obvious- appearance. Talk about a pretty panty killer. Nothing says, ‘vomit in your mouth’ more than the chick in the gym locker room strolling around with TUFTS of pubs poking around the side of her drawers. Listen here honey, I don’t give a good goddamn how much you paid for that La Perla set. If you’ve got a bush situation, its a wrap.

And then you already know my forreal, forreal pet peeve- smell. Don’t you think it’s hard enough to stay fresh and clean when the outside temperature rises? Why add a handful of hair to the mix? All up in the crease of your leg and butt cheeks? Uuugh, call me neurotic but I can’t.

So yes, stepping out with the butter soft heels and fresh to death polish job is an important part of your personal appearance (otherwise, I wouldn’t be looking for quarters in the back of my couch to add to the pretty toes trust fund). But please believe, my priority is to keep it tight behind the scenes. Because when I put my undies on one leg at a time, everything needs to fit inside.

its good to be gay in VT…

By Mitzi on April 8, 2009 in feedback

Good lord its a slow news days…

And since I have zero emotional energy to discuss the abducted 8 year-old girl whose body was just found stuffed in a freaking suitcase in a dairy farm pond, I figured we’d dig in the crates and discuss the results to one of my older poll questions…

Okay, this was an interesting one:

Do you think watching porn reduces or increases performance anxiety?

78% of you said that it reduces your stage fright while 21% insist it only made your nerves bad. Interesting.

Personally, I’m neutral on this one. I can leave or take the porn- it does absolutely nada for the kid. If anything, I think I find it so outrageously staged that it becomes laughable. Sure having a penis pounding in your ear and another simultaneously in your butt is a turn-on, sure it is. Insert image of my patented blank stare with exactly three blinks.

In spirit of full disclosure- Im pretty sure my mental ‘block’ on the virtues and pleasures of porn has everything to do with the trifling first experience I had back in the day. Let me tell you what had happened-

For whatever reason, the second dude I ever tried to have sex with could not for the life of him stay hard. It was so tragic. Mind you, if his pants were on then we were all good. But as soon as he started to get undressed and I could actually look AT the penis (and you know my STD paranoid behind insisted on looking), it’d shrivel right up. Uh-huh, you do the math.

Needless to say, by the third attempt to disrobe, I was 1-800-D-O-N-E. On some, “I don’t know what’s going on with YOU and THAT but as for me, I’m finished here” type ish. In response this fool, grabs me by the arm and is like, “wait, wait, don’t get dressed! I know what it it is! I just need to see some porn. Do you have any magazine or tapes?” Um, EXCUSE YOU???

Shoot, it’s bad enough I was all up in my mother’s house acting too grown for the road and then you wanna ask somebody to play you a dirty movie?? Negro is you CRAZY??? Trust, that fool barely finished getting dressed before I put that ass the hell out. Kick rocks!

Sigh, and ever since then, I’ve givin’ porn the real side-eye. I’m not mad, if it’s your thing. But on GP (general principle) I just can’t get worked up about it. Period.

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