end of days | Mitzi Moments

it takes a village…

By Mitzi on September 2, 2009 in end of days, it's in the genes, it's not a game out there, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, that sense of entitlement, too old for the road

It’s official, poor white trash is NOT handling the recession well. No ma’m, Not. At. All.

Exhibit A: Why did this crotchety, old, white, serial killer look alike in Stone Mountain, Georgia get beside himself while shopping in Wal-Mart and slap FIRE out of some woman’s child because the little girl was crying too much??

But wait on it… Apparently the 61-year old, Roger Stephens didn’t know Sonya Mathews or her 2 year-old from NOWHERE. As in, they were complete strangers up until the moment they turned down the same aisle.

Then according to the news report, Roger warned her that “if she didn’t quiet down the child, he would do it for her.” And just like that, when the ‘ole girl didn’t do anything, he proceeded to slap the little girl not once but SEVERAL times across the face. Talking ’bout, “See I told you I would shut her up.” I. Am. Done.

Jesus be a fresh pair of Depends cause I swear I’m peeing on myself right now.

Now I admit… there have been many a day where I’ve fantasized (vividly) about smacking fire out of some unruly brat throwing a temper tantrum in a grocery store or public place of business. Especially when it’s clear that all the cerebral ” we don’t hit, we do time-outs” bullcrap some of these parents are using isn’t worth the spit coming out of the kid’s mouth and the lil’ punk really just needs a swift backhand to cut the shit short. But these are my FANTASIES.

Now homeboy right here? He is bananas.

And more importantly, I’m just trying to envision what-in-the-petite-weakish-non-violent-hell this woman looks like or comes from. ‘Cause not for nothing, I really wish a random old man would go hard with ANY of the women I know that have kids. SHEEEIT. All I’m gonna say is, this right here is the reason for emergency bail money savings accounts.

Let the police sirens wail…

here’s hoping for a lil’ street justice…

By Mitzi on August 21, 2009 in end of days, it's not a game out there, using our powers for good

As much as I L-O-V-E my neighborhood and L-I-V-E for the summers, there is one thing that I truly can’t stand- the annual summer rapist. Every single year since I moved here, there’s been some lunatic running around upper Harlem and Washington Heights making it nervous for women. And unfortunately, I see that ’09 is not going to be an exception. Sigh.

So this is my PSA to all women living in the upper, upper west side of Manhattan- PLEASE be careful. Apparently this sicko has a preference- he’s been raping and robbing petite women of all ages. In fact, this past Tuesday, a 69 year-old woman became his third victim. Like seriously? Who the hell rapes a 69 year-old woman?

Yeah there is certainly a special place in hell for this one I tell you.

Oh and ladies, please don’t forget to share the news with all the males you know as well. Quite honestly, they should be equally concerned. ‘Cause it’s all fun and games till it’s your mom/ sister/ aunt/ cousin/ girlfriend that’s calling from the hospital…

glutton for bitter punishment…

By Mitzi on August 12, 2009 in end of days, love be a cellulite cream, Mitzi- all day every day

So clearly, I don’t have anything better to do but make random 20 second appearances on Tiny & Toya and put myself through unnecessary changes. With that said- DRUM ROLL PLEASE- I have finally decided to give up white sugar. Um yes, please feel free to applaud. Because those who really, really know me and this greedy sweet tooth of mine, understand how above and beyond the call of Mitzi this move really is.

And no, I don’t have a good reason at all. I think I just want to try something new and healthy… Naw, that doesn’t even sound like me. Waaaay too wholesome. I probably just want to have something to talk about. LOL, yeah that’s more like it.

But we shall see how far I can get with this one. Cause its was already a close call when made myself a simple cup of tea this morning. Don’t you know, I damn near had to pour the entire bottle of honey into the cup for it to be sweet enough for me to drink?? And between you , me and my wallet, honey is too damn expensive to be running through bottles like that. Mmm-hmmm.

So we shall see, cause Lord knows, Mama got a speeding ticket to pay for…

automatic trip to the ER…

By Mitzi on August 7, 2009 in end of days, it takes a village, pocket full of dirty tissue, too old for the road

Okay, for the record I’m all for teenagers using intimate dance moves to express their sexuality. Call me liberal but all means, get on the dance floor and grind it out all night if that’ll knock off the edge (read: keep the unplanned pregnancy rate down). HOWSOMEVA, there is a LIMITATION to the stupidity. And this recent dancehall craze called daggerin’… well, this is where mama gots to draw the line.

Honestly? Peep the video. I wouldn’t even describe this as imitating rough sex. Nope, survey says straight domestic violence. WTF is that Pum Pum dive at about 3:01?? I wish some negro would leap off a ladder and land on top of me… Shoot. Not for nothing, these hips ain’t NEVER, EVER, EVER been built for that.

Like Elsa used to say, these kids are making my nerves bad. Sigh.

Jesus be a broken pelvis.

i got your box seat in hell…

By Mitzi on August 5, 2009 in end of days, it's not a game out there, moment of silence, why we as a people can't get ahead

Dizz-amn, there’s a lot of disturbing news poppin’ off today…

First the NYT is reporting that on the other side of the world men in the Congo are being raped in record numbers as a result of the ongoing joint Congo-Rwandan conflict (read: more than 10% of the reported rape cases in June were guy on guy action). Woah. Clearly there’s no limit to the brutality that people will commit against one another… Perhaps, now that men are being raped and tortured (seems castrations are on the rise too) the international community will finally step in and get involved. SMH.

Then in Pittsburgh, that 48 year-old antisocial prick went into a local LA Sports Club and started shooting up folks ’cause awit on it… no one wanted to be his friend and he couldn’t find girlfriend. As if I needed another reason not to go to the damn gym?? Now I got to be worried about the miserable creep who got his little feelings hurt seeking retribution? Dude… Go. Sit. Down.

And finally, right here in our own backyard that Long Island mom who drove unto Taconic Highway the wrong way and killed EIGHT people was freaking drunk AND high??? Drunk like, authorities discovered an open 1.75 liter bottle of Absolut in the car and homegirl’s blood alcohol level report reads as if she knocked back the equivalent of 10 shots of 80-proof liquor and smoked a blunt as recently as 15 minutes before the massacre… WTF??

Not to question the powers that be in the Universe and shit but I gotta ask- so where the hell was the dickhead State Police officer that all too happily pulled me over a couple of weeks ago for speeding on the same Parkway? Huh, huh? And don’t you know that self-important fool was all up in my face talking about ” Young lady you’re lucky that a dear didn’t jump out in front of your car. Or you might not be here to pay this ticket.” Insert prolonged blank stare with three very slow blinks.

NEGRO PLEASE. First of all, I’m sober and on the right side of the road. Secondly, speeding happens. RE-LAX. The only reason that I might halfway deserve to be called “lucky” is because some boozed-up, high-ass hell, trashy, red-neck wasn’t on the road tossing back swigs of vodka on her way home from a weekend in the woods.

It’s too much…. I’m done.

money makes all the difference…

By Mitzi on August 4, 2009 in end of days, i die, pocket full of dirty tissue, too old for the road

I’m so excited about the two days straight of sunshine, I don’t know what to do with myself! Oh wait, yes the hell I do.

I need to earn a living and also find the time to run some overdue errands- take the car to get new brake pads (call me crazy but something about that grinding noise every time I stop seems a little ominous), finish the laundry and retrieve my cell phone from my mom’s house.

Sometimes this whole being a grown-up is waaay boring, no?

Theoretically, I could just sell my multi-million dollar ranch, move around the world to India, become a transsexual named Elizabeth and live in a community of eunuchs and transgenders. Oh wait, John Jeffords, a primary member of the old money, blueblood family that owned the legendary racehorse, Man ‘O War already beat me to it. And apparently he wants to tell the whole world about it on an upcoming ABC special: ‘Primetime: Outsiders’ which airs on August 25th.

Sigh, rich kids have all the fun.

he makes my ears suicidal…

By Mitzi on August 3, 2009 in end of days, going to hell in a handbasket, tagging out

Ummm, you ever have the feeling that some folks just don’t know when to just be quiet? It’s like they keep going on just to hear themselves speak? Yeah, you too? Well this time, Vincent Nicholos Archbishop of Westminster in England, I’m talking about you.

According to Reuters, dude (who happens to be the Head of the Roman Catholic Church in England) is “concerned that excessive use of emails and mobile phone text messaging is creating shallow friendships and undermining community life.” Now, initially, I almost co-signed on his sentiment but then he had to go that extra inch and hit us in the head with his opinion”that popular social networking sites led young people to form “transient relationships” which put them at risk of suicide when they collapse.” Suicide? Really? Please insert blank look with three blinks.

Listen, I too wish kids nowadays spent waaaay more time running around, playing sports and being carefree than playing video games, talking on cells, sending IMs and stalking one another Myspace/ FB or whatever the hell is the cyberflavor of the month. But I can’t act like back in the day, I wasn’t up until all hours of the night talking/ whispering (’cause each Elsa caught me it was sure to be an ass whooping) on the 3-way call, beeping some cute boy on a those ginormous skytel pagers and acting like I was gonna literally die if my Dad didn’t click over every time the call waiting sound beeped. And guess what? I turned out just fine. So Father God forgive me if I think to imply that suicide is imminent if someone ‘un-friends’ you (especially when you’re the leader of a church) is a bit much…. Oh well.

Jesus be the bungee cord.

‘n’ for nice try…

By Mitzi on July 31, 2009 in end of days, it takes a village, team obama, why we as a people can't get ahead

Wow, its a hard week for the Obamas, huh?

First Barack tries to hold his man ‘Skip’ down and winds up having to suck salt and have a couple of brews with a man that 9 times outta 10 probably didn’t even vote for him. And now, it turns out that the soil in Michelle’s beautiful vegetable garden was fertilized by straight up sewage sludge. Mmm-hmm… READ: every and anything you toss/ flush/ washes down our sewer drains.

Just let me know when your stomach settles… ’cause the visual on that is a bit much.

Apparently, that damn Clinton administration used a sludge-based product to fertilize the garden back in the 1990s and the effects are STILL lingering. So when the National Park Service recently tested the soil beneath the garden to see if the vegetables/ fruit could quality for organic certification, it discovered elevated levels of lead averaging 93 parts per million. Mind you, the EPA recommends that you do not even try to grow food in any soil that tests at 100ppm or higher.

So um yeah, about feeding all the innocent kids in America a salad? Yeah, survey says, no thank you.

one call I won’t accept…

By Mitzi on July 30, 2009 in desperate cry for help, end of days, it takes a village, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

When I first read about Rodell Vereen, the South Carolina man that was arrested for having sex with the same horse for the SECOND time (um yeah, you read that right. He actually did it once before but the cops weren’t able to clearly identify him on the stable’s surveillance tape until now), my initial response was to vomit in my mouth. I mean the mental image on that was just too much for my nerves this early in the day…

But then, and feel free to call me crazy, I started to feel bad for homeboy… Mmm-hmm, yeah, I admit it. I actually felt bad for the greasy-looking sexual deviant.

Why? Well, it could be that I’m PMSing and my hormones are all outta wack. Still, call it a hunch but something tells me that he probably isn’t the brightest or wealthiest individual (otherwise, he’d have his own private stable of horse to bonk, no?). So he’s gonna have to reach out to some damn body to bail him out the clinker, right? And the only person you could conceivable call at a time like that would be the poor woman that gave birth to you. And can you EVEN imagine how that conversation went??

“Um yeah, Mommma? Hi. So listen, what had happened was… these folks done caught me getting it in with the neighbor’s filly. And now, well, I’m locked up. Mm-hmm, yes ma’am, as in having sex with the horse. No, no, nothing’s wrong with your hearing. You heard me correctly. S-E-X. But I swear, I she wanted it too… (insert sound of woman wailing and sudden dial tone) Hello? Hello?”

Sigh, poor thang. Let the prayer circle commence.

the real king of new york…

By Mitzi on July 29, 2009 in end of days, i die, it takes a village, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out, that sense of entitlement

Wait a minute, why is Mayor Bloomberg so freakin’ GANGSTA??

According to this morning’s NYT, since Bloomberg Administration has not been able to curtail or reduce the problem of overcrowding in the city shelters over the past two terms they’ve now resorted to KICKING non-native homeless families up out of the city. Yes sir… On some real live, ‘No. Actually, you can’t make it here. So please proceed to carry your ass the hell on back to wherever you came from.’

Okay well maybe they’re not saying it like exactly that… But the good Mayor is funding a voucher program that “offers” to send entire homeless families anywhere outside of New York City a relative is willing to take them in. Mmm-hmmm…

And apparently there is no limit on how far these displaced families can go. To date, one-way tickets have been purchased to 24 states and 5 continents including: Paris, Johannesburg, Orlando, San Juan and the list goes on.

But my favorite part? They wanna act like they care about the well being of the families and that this not about getting the number of homeless down so that he can have a justifiable reason for seeking a third term. talking ’bout it’s all voluntary and that “once a family leaves New York, homeless service officials follow up with a phone call to make sure they arrive safely, then make a few more calls over the next two to three weeks.” Um, somebody please feel free to insert the hard side-eye cause I. Can’t. Take. It.

All I’m saying is… if it saves me tax dollars, I’m for damn sure not mad. But I see you Mike. I see you.

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