Mitzi Moments

Category: desperate cry for help

I need to give my mom a hug…

By on April 8, 2009 in desperate cry for help, it's in the genes, it's not a game out there, tagging out, work it white girl

Okay so just when I thought it was going to be a quiet day in the headlines, I peeped this article about a deranged FL mother shooting her own kid to death because wait on it… the looney toon honestly believed she was Satan. And that by murdering her child, she was ‘saving his soul.’ Um yeah, write that down.

Apparently, 44 year-old Marie Moore took her 20 year-old son to a shooting range, waited for him to get settled in the practice range booth and then proceeded to blow the back of  his head off. 
Check out the above photo that was captured on the security camera… Just. Like. That.
Now here’s my main problem with this madness-cause there are just so many things wrong- this chick had a history of schizophrenia. And apparently, she had tried to kill herself in the shooting range before. Why in the slack-ass-FL-state-gun-law-hell was this nutjob allowed back up in the spot???
I swear, it’s like nowadays they got tighter security in a damn mall department store than a shooting range. Sigh. 
Jesus please ring the bell, we need to stage an immediate do-over on that one right there.

she is the boss of me…

By on April 3, 2009 in desperate cry for help, pocket full of dirty tissue, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, too old for the road

Oh wait, so lemme tell you what I did this morning… 

Instead of getting my butt up and working on the never ending pile of receipts that need to be added up before my Sunday afternoon appointment with my new tax preparer, my dumb ass decided to attempt to groom my dog. 
Mind you, Drama is not, I repeat, is NOT a small DOG. The only time she was light enough for me to carry her was the very first week she came to live with me.  And I swear, after those first 7 days, I was like uh-uh you gots to sit your big ass on the floor. So now, at almost 12 years old, the last thing her sleep-fart-eat behind wants to do is hold still while I fumble around with some pathetic little brush. Okay?
But I was determined to be economically conscience and save myself the $90 by brushing/ bathing her myself. I mean, in these tight times every little bit counts right?
Okay so, I’m an idiot. 
After two whole hours of brushing and begging her to stay still (cause she may not run but she certainly will lay the hell down) and brushing, my white tile kitchen floor looks like a black shag carpet.  The airborne pet danger is making me wheeze like a dying asthmatic. And worse of all, that fat hooker still stinks. Sigh. I’m done. the rest of  my day will now be spent cleaning up the huge mess I’ve just created.
It’s official- the Lord don’t like a cheap ass.

in the name of the father…

By on April 2, 2009 in desperate cry for help, stressed the hell out, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget

Just yesterday my girl Joan brought up an ongoing conversation we’ve been sharing about the increasing number of ‘crimes of desperation’ occurring around the country ever since our economy jumped on the little red wagon to hell.  You know, like daytime bank robberies, purse snatchings, rich folks in S.C sinking their sailboats for the insurance money, etc. 

And then lo and behold, what do I read this morning but the breaking news story about a man in Washington state that held up a convenience store at gunpoint with wait on it… his 9 year-old daughter in tow.  Seriously? What in the worthless-ass-child-protective-services part of  “bring your kids to work day” is this? 
No sir, I cannot and I will not. 
Robert Daniel Webb, I rebuke thee!

ain’t enough dirty drawers in the world…

By on March 30, 2009 in desperate cry for help, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

See now I was planning to write today’s post about the two old ass Roman Catholic priests in Miami that got caught stealing almost $8 million from their church collection plates. Umm-hmmm, just like that. Apparently the former Fathers John Skehan and Francis Guinan were using the loot to purchase real estate, travel, rare coins and wait on it… girlfriends. Seriously? Girlfriends??!!

See what I mean about that damn viagra? THE DEVIL.
But then I read about the craziness that just popped off in Milton, MA and I LITERALLY had to pause. Read the story twice. And pray. Cause you know what? When Black folks start recreating Killing Fields/ Slasher Film/ Trailer Trash-esque type massacres it’s time for us all to go sit down and have a word with the big man upstairs.

Apparently 23 year-old Kerby Revelus was feeling some kind of ways from a fistfight that he got into last Friday night. So being all non-directional, two days later he turned that angst on his overacheiving 17 year-old sister and STABBED her to death. Next, this looney tunes negro proceeded to DECAPITATE his little 5 year-old sister. Mind you, the little girl just celebrated her fifth bday 24-hours before. Then, as he attempted to SLICE the third and final sister to pieces, the police rushed in and shot him dead on the spot. But the real tragedy? The entire time this tom foolery was popping off, their poor unsuspecting mother was downstairs in the basement doing laundry. Can you even imagine?

Light a candle, I’m done.

viagra is the devil…

By on March 23, 2009 in desperate cry for help, going to hell in a handbasket, honorary white woman, i'm not ready to be a grandmother, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out


Hold up, wait a minute! What you know about two old ass women coming to blows in the middle of the street over some 72-year-old piece a man?!?!?!

According to the police report filed by 78-year-old (yes, as in 7-8) Edith Mitchell: she was chillin’ in a car with her boyfriend of two years when some unnamed 73-year-old woman rolled up popping junk about that being her man and started punching poor Edith in the head!!! Mm-hmm, straight thumped her out.

Now you know, Edith ain’t get to be 78-years-old by mistake so she carried her ass in the crib, grabbed her shotgun and came out guns a-blazing on some old school western, let’s get it poppin’ bee-yatch type nonsense…

Unfortunately, the side chick was a little quicker on her feet than good ‘ole Edith. Apparently she snatched the shotgun from Edith and fired a shot. (Damn, just like that.) Thankfully, she missed Big E and no one else was fatally injured. Um, feel free to pick your face off the floor right now.

Okay seriously? There are sosososo many things wrong with this situation, I don’t even know where to begin. Forget the fact that there were two geriatric females slap boxing in the street. Lemme ask you this, where the hell was the alledged boyfriend when all this craziness was happening?? What, was he too old to get involved? And how in the world do you explain to your kids and GRANDkids what had happened to you? Uh-uh, I can’t.

Jesus come get your bey-bey kids…

you know you’d TIVO it too…

By on March 20, 2009 in desperate cry for help, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

Amy Winehouse’s father Mitch released a statement calling his lil’ pride & joy a “stupid girl” for claiming to still love her estranged husband/ partner-in-crack Blake Fielderman. While I applaud him for what I assume to be the pinktoe version of tough love (cause you know a black father would’ve been beat her ass back into rehab about five years ago when the problem first started), don’t you think we’re past the point of name calling?

I mean, from what I can see, the only thing seperating Amy from the homeless lady on the train that smells of pee and old period blood is a residual check. No offense.

Personally, I think Poppa Winehouse should call Key-Key Cole’s mom Frankie and ask her to help the family stage an intervention. Cause Lord knows Frankie’s got the inside track on how to deal with drug drama.

And call me selfish but I really, really hope they’ll turn the whole thing into a reality show. You something like, Saving Amy-The Day the Winehouse Shut Down. Mmm-hmm, and then the world would finally get to see what happens to that dusty beehive when they toss her 10 pound ass into shower. Shoot, I’ll bet my lucky drawers that trainwreck would be bigger than Flavor of Love season 1!!

Sigh. Well, until the season premiere, check out the before and after Amy photo gallery attached to the article about Poppa Winehouse’s quote. So disturbing.

In fact, I may have just thrown up in my mouth. Excuse me please.

somebody needs to smack fire out that lil boy…

By on March 6, 2009 in desperate cry for help, love be a cellulite cream, taking it one day at a time, why we as a people can't get ahead

So there I was minding my business trying to read up on this new nine minute miracle cellulite cream (that quietly, I’m sooo about to spend a $100 dollars on as soon as this recession ends) when I heard about the Chris Brown/ Rihanna beatdown incident report. And I have to tell you, after reading the entire report- this is so not okay.

Dude, Chris Brown beat Rihanna like she was a straight up stranger. Like forreal, forreal? Bouncing her head off of the car window, punching her in the eye, the head, the arm, leg AND then biting her? What in the hell? Did he momnetarily lose his mind and confuse for a car jacker? I’m just saying… Cause I just can’t comprehend what in the unholy domestic violence hell this punkass 19 year old was thinking when he threatened to “really beat your ass when we get home!” Word? Forget what you heard, that little dancing fool needs to go sitdown in a jail for at least six months to think about what he did to the woman he’s steady professing to love.

Oh and no Kanye et al, I do not think he deserves another chance. At all. So be clear, if I hear any of ya’ll enabling ass celebs come out and support him, I’m boycotting you too.

And I intend to start the prayer vigil for Rih-Rih and her sense of self-worth ASAP… cause clearly despite all the fame and money, there’s something missing in her life. And whatever it is, it compells her to return to a relationship w/ a man who beat that ass like a dude because HIS MESSY BEHIND got caught with the inapropriate 3-page text from the sidechick. Can I get an amen?

like chewing foil….

By on March 3, 2009 in desperate cry for help, it's not a game out there, why we as a people can't get ahead

Soooooo, did ANYONE enjoy the premiere of Harlem Heights last night? Anyone, anyone, anyone? No seriously. Cause I swear ‘fore God, that was nothing short of a complete waste of 52 minutes in my life. And the fact that I stayed up well past the 9.30p bootcamp bedtime makes it just THAT much more upsetting…

Granted, I am VERY proud of my fellow FAMU alum Randolph Stiurrup, who co-created and executive produced the project. I know it was a very long road and I certainly hope to see many additional projects from my fellow Rattler. But let’s keep it all the way real…

Was that not the slowest paced reality show like EVER? The whole thing felt like water torture. I mean, exactly how these kids are supossed to be part of the same crew when they clearly don’t know and/ or hate each other??? Cause there’s stretching the truth and then there’s straight up lying. And the birthday party with 15 people in Covo’s big empty room. I can’t…

Not for nothing, each time Landon swirled his little neck around all I could think was, ‘is this fool high? Or gay? Or both?’ Mmm-hmm. Note to the big chick from down south who fell out when Obama won… will you please settle down and stop being the bull in a china shop? You ain’t scurred of nobody- we get it. Next. Pierre and Christian as Harlem’s sexy ‘it’ boys? Yawn. Oh and good Jesus, if BET doesn’t hire better writers for back-stabbing ass Bridget’s voiceovers I gonna have to duct tape her mouth closed.

Honestly, the only characters worth watching are: 1)corner boy turned wanna-be community activist Jason (that is as long as his mouth was closed…. As soon as he speaks my nerves get bad. I want you to conjugate some verbs every once in a while, okay honey?) and 2) desperately clinging to my 15 minutes of fame Brook (esp the scene where she was trying on clothes in the N Boutique. How you gonna be the shit talking flychick while you’re wearing the blatantly mismatched drawers??)

Although I did love the janky KFC ad. Why? Cause that pretty much summed the entire show up- straight tomfoolery.

the real reason for camera phones..

By on February 24, 2009 in desperate cry for help, it's in the genes, never too grown

Normally, I wouldn’t bother posting a damn word about Solange “Somebody Puh-lease Notice Me” Knowles. How-some-ever this here photo of her face down, passed the hell out in the LAX baggage claim area from last week’s airline ‘Nyquil’ incident is freaking priceless.

And err-um, for someone who supposedly, “passed out” it sure looks like she made a very conscious decision to lay her lil ass on the dirty floor homeless lady style. You know with the comfy blanket that she clearly stole off the flight. Mmm-hmm. 2 cents says there were a whole lot of sleeping pills mixed in with that alledged innocent dose of Nyquil…

If you ask me, somebody needs go get the leather belt- this child clearly wants a good beating.

translator please…

By on February 24, 2009 in desperate cry for help, going to hell in a handbasket, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

See now, this is that bull. Why is Keisha Cole’s greasy crackhead mama Frankie about to star in her OWN reality show? Mmm-hmm, apparently Frankie and Ke-Ke’s trashy sister Neffy have flown the coop and landed in their time slot on BET. Uugh.

Jesus be the ebonic subtitles on the bottom of the screen.

Oh and wait on it… apparently Frankie is also “writing” a book tentatively titled, 2 Sides of Every Story. Really??? I swear the definition of the word “writing” just gets broader and broader every day.

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