Mitzi

a psa doesn’t pay for bottle service…

By Mitzi on September 1, 2009 in honorary white woman, mama gotta eat, using our powers for good

Say what you want about Naomie Campbell but that broad’s got balls.

Whether it’s throwing a cell phone at your head, exclusively dating old decrepit white billionaires, dancing on an elevated platform with no panties,or cussin’ out the entire modeling industry for not using more models of color, homegirl just doesn’t give two shits about what anyone thinks. And I for one am more than happy to co-sign on the tomfoolery.

Which is why it makes perfect sense (at least to me) that after posing for one of those signature “I’d rather go naked than wear fur” PETA campaigns back in the day, homegirl is now the star of the Dennis Basso fur fall campaign. And then keeping her response to the whole bruh-ha-ha real simple, “Yes, I still wear fur.” HA! Just like that…

Take notes.

lowest common denominator…

By Mitzi on August 28, 2009 in desperate cry for help, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out

Okay- so in the pure, unadulterated tomfoolery of the day: the unnamed Tunisian woman who earlier this week claimed to be pregnant with twelve kids via IVF has been exposed as a fraud. And surprise, surprise, suddenly homegirl and her aiding and abetting husband have gone into hiding. Whatever.

I know everyone wants to famous/ special and important but who-in-the-worthless-excuse-for-a-life hell lies about being pregnant with 12 kids? No ma’am, this type of foolishness is a perfect example of what happens when folks start talking just to hear the sound of their voices.

Jesus be the overbooked looney bin.

another one bites the dust

By Mitzi on August 26, 2009 in feedback

There’s never really a good time for break-up, is there? Unless of course, you’re the one doing the breaking (and if you’re anything like me, by that point, you’ve already mentally separated from the situation long before so it really doesn’t matter).

But I was kinda curious, in terms of season, when is the easiest time to deal with a break-up. So you know how I do, I asked. And here’s what you guys had to say:

winter- 6%

spring- 18%

summer- 73%

fall-1%

Eh, I guess the results are kinda predictable. I think it’s safe to say that most folks like to drown their sorrows in warm weather, strong drink and hopefully the arms of a stranger. I’m just saying.

But for me, not so much. Honestly, I like my summers way too much to be trying to forget about the last trifling negro I mistakenly let get too close. I’d MUCH rather suffer through a break-up during the winter. That way, I can be totally anti-social without a million people wondering- “Dang dude, what’s wrong with Mitzi? Why she giving everybody the side-eye?” Mmm-hmmm.

In my opinion pissy cold, gray skies, dismal weather are God’s gift to the broken hearted. It’s the perfect time to sequester yourself, mope around (’cause you always have to rehash every red flag that you missed/ ignored) and be all psuedo-introspective (read: spend lots of dough on self-improvement books you’re never going to finish reading and make a million fake promises to the universe not to fall for the same banana in the tailpipe bullshit again, blah, blah, blah). Not to mention, there’s to time like the winter to lose all that damn love weight I seem to pack on as soon as my lazy behind gets a little happy.

‘Cause nothing says kiss my ass/ it’s all your loss/ who’s sorry now/ I’m not bitter just better than you, like a flat stomach and rock solid thighs.

Word.

one in a million…

By Mitzi on August 25, 2009 in moment of silence

Wow, has it really been eight years since Aaliyah died? Time flies.

You know I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason but gotta say this was definitely one of those senseless tragedies that I question. What if any, was the lesson learned? Don’t get on a puddle jumper plane with too many sets of monogrammed LV luggage? Sigh. So much talent and potential, lost.

RIP.

you say anorexia, I say sample size

By Mitzi on August 24, 2009 in i die, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

If this pissy summer weather has been good for absolutely nothing else, it’s def helped me step up my reality TV game. Not only have I successful killed several viable brain cells watching all the episodes of 16 and Pregnant but then there was yesterday afternoon’s six-hour Bridezilla marathon. Mmm-hmmm, ain’t no shame in my rainy day Sunday sofa game. But NOW, the time has finally come for the mother of all mind numbing TV- the premiere of The Rachel Zoe Project!!!

OMG, I. DIE.

For the record, I know it makes no sense for me to be this excited about another woman. But I swear I can’t help myself. I LOVE that evil, egotistical, emaciated, bitchy white woman.

And quite honestly, it nothing to do with her supposed fashion sense (which I sometimes question). In fact, I would prefer if the producers didn’t show her dressing a celeb for the entire season. I simply want to watch her lose her shit week after week over absolutely NOTHING of consequence. ‘Cause quite candidly? Her level of superficiality is a unique gift from above. You can’t pay to be this self-centered.

Oh and let us not forget Tyler (her envious, mean-hearted lead assistant who so clearly would be a serial killer if so wasn’t Rachel’s indentured slave) and Brad (the most crocodile tear crying, opportunistic gay man on cable TV). Truth be told, the cat fights between the two of them deserves it’s own spin-off. Its too much.

Jesus be a full-length mink in the dead of August.

here’s hoping for a lil’ street justice…

By Mitzi on August 21, 2009 in end of days, it's not a game out there, using our powers for good

As much as I L-O-V-E my neighborhood and L-I-V-E for the summers, there is one thing that I truly can’t stand- the annual summer rapist. Every single year since I moved here, there’s been some lunatic running around upper Harlem and Washington Heights making it nervous for women. And unfortunately, I see that ’09 is not going to be an exception. Sigh.

So this is my PSA to all women living in the upper, upper west side of Manhattan- PLEASE be careful. Apparently this sicko has a preference- he’s been raping and robbing petite women of all ages. In fact, this past Tuesday, a 69 year-old woman became his third victim. Like seriously? Who the hell rapes a 69 year-old woman?

Yeah there is certainly a special place in hell for this one I tell you.

Oh and ladies, please don’t forget to share the news with all the males you know as well. Quite honestly, they should be equally concerned. ‘Cause it’s all fun and games till it’s your mom/ sister/ aunt/ cousin/ girlfriend that’s calling from the hospital…

f stands for forever

By Mitzi on August 19, 2009 in feedback

It’s not necessarily a slow news day but it’s definitely a slow Mitzi day. Sigh. So instead of combing my favorite sources for the tomfoolery, I’ll reach back in the crates and grab an old poll question.

Ah, here’s a good one:

If your significant other cheated on you with your BFF, who would you forgive first?

60% said the BFF

40% said the significant other

Now for the record, when I wrote “forgive,” what I had really meant is ‘who would you stop feeling the urge to slap box in the street every time you laid eyes on them first?” Cause there’s no way in HELL, anyone in their right minds is continuing a relationship with either one of those two folks again in LIFE (thankfully, a good cussing does not equal speaking).

Hmmm… you know, after praying on it, I think I’m rolling with the minority on this one. It would be way easier for me to forgive the significant other than the BFF. And no, not because I’m ‘one of those predicable females who constantly blames the woman- cause I don’t. It’s actually the opposite.

I simply expect more from my friends.

Granted, I’m disappointed when a guy hurts my feelings or lets me down. As in, a complete fall out. But let it be someone I consider a close friend… Shoot, I’m damn near DEVASTATED. I may know a lot of people but there are very few that I consider to be my friends. And BFFs? Well that count ends with about 4 fingers. So the idea that one of those women or even one of the women in my immediate circle of friends would shank me like that?? No sir, I . Can’t.

I had an ex-who as much of a waste of the precious two years of my life that he was- had this great saying: there are some things that you have to be willing to take it to the mat for. My friends? Without a doubt.

A dude? Eh. Not so much… I’m certainly sad to see you go but better now than when we’re years in the game. And more importantly, I truly believe that karma is a bee-yatch. So here’s wishing you and all the peg-leg, big-head, retarded kids you’re gonna have well.

I’m just saying.

sharing the free…

By Mitzi on August 17, 2009 in Mitzi- all day every day, using our powers for good

There are few things in the world better than good friends and free stuff.

So in the spirit of bringing the two together, MITZIMOMENTS will award the first reader to respond in the comment section with the name of the my neighbor’s bad ass chihuahua that I’ve mentioned/ contemplated tossing out a window several times in the past (most notably for constantly peeing on my doormat) with one GAP gift certificate good for a new pair of premium jeans and your very own eco-friendly Born to Fit tote.

Don’t say I ain’t never do anything for ya’ll!

making the booty smile…

By Mitzi on August 17, 2009 in miracle on 169th street, Mitzi- all day every day, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget

So at the top of the month GAP finally rolled out their new line of premium women’s jeans- GAP 1969. Which for those non-fashion folks is apparently a very big deal in the clothing world because it’s the first time like, EVER that the company has changed the design pattern of the jeans… (feel free to insert blank stare with 3 blinks).

Now truth be told, had it not been for the cute little monthly freebie situation, this info probably wouldn’t have garnered more than an “uh-huh, that’s nice” comment from the kid. But since a sample in just my size showed up at the door, I figured it couldn’t hurt to try the thing on. You know for kicks and giggles…

Well lo and behold don’t you know, the damn things actually fit!! GASP!

Yes, as in, the skinny jeans will slide up your thighs, over the booty and cinch close without leaving that angry red ‘yes, I know better but I still want them’ mark under the belly button. Added bonus for those with height issues: the various lengths are on point; sparing us the additional$15 hem fee (shut it up in peanut gallery, pls). Can you say praise the affordable priced clothing God????

But wait on it, just to ensure that the recession wasn’t clouding my fashion sense (’cause the $69.99 price tag def makes a bitch side-eye all the $200 pairs hanging in the closet), I bribed a few of my girls with chips, chaser and a free eco-friendly Born To Fit tote to spend this Sat night testing some of the samples too. And survey says… I’m not crazy, the Born To Fit campaign is officially a go.

There’s more than enough spandex in the skinny and real straight style to work for every size and shape (and please believe my crew proudly runs the 0-12 range). The weight of the jean is definitely legit (cause who doesn’t HATE thin, flimsy jean material). The various color washes are cute enough to wear to the club (LOVE the dark distressed look) or every day (you can never wrong with true indigo). And most importantly the back pockets made every one’s booty POP. Which is all a girl ever asks for, right?

Exactly.

so not ready for primetime…

By Mitzi on August 13, 2009 in honorary white woman, i die, it's in the genes, work it white girl

For a minute, when I woke up I thought I was going to have a real whatever day: the weather is beyond miserable, my tummy hurts and the sight of $1400 thigh-high Prada boots in the new Nordstrom catalog damn near drove me to stroll a corner near you. But then, I saw this video and my whole LIFE just changed.

‘Cause seriously, why are these two the most out of control dogs EVER? And even more importantly, why is these woman sitting there and LETTING the dogs basically hump on their faces and punk them??? It’s too much!

Call me a bad sport but at the point the little pitbull backs her dirty butt dead into the newscaster’s grill, that would’ve been the time to get up and call it a day. No?

You be the judge.

Page 40 of 5 38 39 40 41 42

Mitzi Moments

CONTACT

Author: Mitzi