Mitzi Moments

Mitzi Moments

my bed is mad at me…

By on May 11, 2009 in desperate cry for help, it's not a game out there, miracle on 169th street, using our powers for good

Since the summer is (eventually) coming, I’ve decided to try and start my workdays a little earlier… as in four hours earlier.  Um yeah, you read that right.  The “I don’t use an alarm clock” queen is about to get it popping at 6am in the morning.  Feel free to stop laughing any time now… Cause I’m so forreal.  I see my friends with kids do it all the time, so I figure what the hell?  
This way I can actually go to bikram regularly (instead of just giving them my $115 a month), walk poor Drama before 3 o’clock in the afternoon (any day now she’s gonna call the ASPCA on my ass) and most importantly, spend more time trolling the headlines for news that makes you go hmm… Like the review of Tuesday night’s season premiere of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Which apparently left the reviewer from the NY Daily News thinking, “Good Lord, what a piece of trash. That was great!” Err-umm yeah, I will so be watching. Or better yet, how Rihanna’s people are cracking down on blogs that posted the alleged naked photos of her. But wait on it… not denying that the photos are of her.  Insert huge sigh.  
Of course, I am going to need your prayers in this endeavor because I don’t even know what six o’clock in the morning looks like let alone to be getting up and trying to function.  So light a candle,  yours truly is about to get focused.

do it for the kids…

By on May 8, 2009 in keep hope alive, Mitzi- all day every day, using our powers for good

So I’m getting ready to head to CHI and can I just say, my god, I hate packing.  

No matter how early I begin, I always wind up having to rush around at the last minute for something I almost forgot.  So damn stressful. Not to mention all the cleaning that has to go on before I can step a foot out the door.  ‘Cause there ain’t no way Elsa’s daughter is leaving a dirty bathroom, dishes in the sink or trash in the crib while she’s on the road. No maam.
But I shall not complain, because aside from the crazy weather I do love me some Chicago. Aaannd (drumroll please)- thanks to the unbelieveable success of the HOTLANTA series in the Chicago Public Schools, Denene and I have been invited to be recognized and participate as the keynote speakers at the 2009 Mayor Daley’s Book Club Spring Conference. Woo Hoo!! Go Mitzi, it’s ya birthday!  Go Denene, get busy!!
So think good thoughts, pray I don’t forget to pack the right bra and I’ll holler at ya’ll next week. 

karma is a 4-legged female…

By on May 6, 2009 in honorary white woman, tapped out, team obama, that sense of entitlement, too old for the road, work it white girl

Damn Elizabeth Edwards! Why don’t you tell us how you really feel about your husband’s affair, mistress and the illegitimate daughter he now has??

Seriously, how many years has it been since the former Senator John Edwards dropped outta the presidential race because his mistress came forward with his love child? And his ole girl still ain’t ready to let it go?? Hmm, guess the answer to that question would be a resounding HELL NAW since she’s written an entire book about her husband’s messy extra-marital affair and how it basically obliterated his entire political career (under the guise of being an inspirational self-help guide, of course).

But wait on it… now she’s making rounds in TIME magazine and on Oprah’s couch to throw John even further under the bus; I mean, promote her new project. Hee-hee. Talking about, “I’ve seen a picture of the baby. I have no idea. It doesn’t look like my children, but I don’t have any idea.” Um, did she just call that woman’s child, IT???

Damn, that’s cold.

On the forreal, forreal, I feel horribly for Elizabeth Edwards. I can’t imagine what it must be like to discover that your husband is cheating on you with some no-count, golddigging, bottle-blonde while you’re trying to beat breast cancer. And then the whole messy situation is played out in the headlines? Yikes, no thank you.

But not for nothing… if she’s still so pissed, why stay? White woman in distress, don’t you know the whole world belongs to you? Pack yo shit, get your child and bounce. Otherwise ma, go sit down. Whatever you do, please stop hatin’ on the side-piece- it just make you look bitter. And Lord knows you already look like the cryptkeeper besides that man; no offense.

i’ll bet she killed JR…

By on May 5, 2009 in desperate cry for help, it's in the genes, it's not a game out there, pocket full of dirty tissue, stressed the hell out, too old for the road, work it white girl

In yet addition of ‘White Women Are SO NOT Handling the Recession Well’- Whatchu know about old school Dallas star, Victoria Principal a.k.a Bobby’s wife Pam Ewing pulling a damn gun on her maid because wait on it… Maribel was taking too long to walk the dog!!

What in the crazy ass-demanding-impatient-pinktoe hell??

It seems the poor domestic engineer took the spoiled Shih-Tzu out for a walk and that little bad ass just wouldn’t drop her load. By the time the two finally returned to the ranch, ole girl was wildin’ out. On sight, Victoria pulled a gun out and ordered Maribel to get the hell off the damn property ‘fore she pumped that ass full of lead. (Okay, maybe she say it exactly like that, but you get the idea).

Humph, humph, humph, I tell ya… Jesus be the melanin that provides coping skills.

Mind you, Pam is currently training to become a civilian astronaut on Richard Branson’s commercial space flight venture, Virgin Galactic. Just so we’re all clear- this woman can’t handle the everyday pressure of her maid taking five minutes too long with the pooch but she wants to head out into space??
I swear ‘fore God I couldn’t make this mess up if I wanted to!!

she get it from her father…

By on May 4, 2009 in it takes a village, Mitzi- all day every day

Okay so, I went in to pick up my bridesmaid dress this past Friday and lo and behold, that sucker still doesn’t fit: the strapless top is too big, the sash is too short to cinch and the entire backside is damn near see-through (yes, I know Toya wants a Super Sexy Second Wedding theme across the board but that does not include me being topless and ass out, homie). Sigh, so annoying. Cause it’s all fun and games till the wedding day when I wind up looking scandalous friend with no home training in all the photos.

With that said, I’m now on the hunt for shoes. Which in theory should be simple because the dress is black… yeah, not so much.

For whatever reason, I can’ seem to find a pair of black strappy, sparkly sandals with a four inch heel that 1) match the black in the dress (cause don’t you hate blatantly mismatched blacks) and 2) fit my feet comfortably.

And no, I can’t just “go get a pair from 9 West or Aldo,” dammit. Why? Because 9 West/ Aldo+Mitzi’s wide ass feet= severe pain. And after all the money I’m spending on this mess, I have no intention of spending half the night in my seat or worse being the girl that has to do the hot foot dance all the way home after the reception. (And you know exactly what I mean by hot foot- foot all twisted out, limping like someone smashed your toes with a sledgehammer and then pushed you unto a bed of hot coals.) No thank you.

So if you see any cute black sandals please let a sister know ASAP. I’ve only got 19 days to pull it together…

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