Mitzi Moments

Mitzi Moments

stolen scene from stand by me…

By on May 26, 2010 in end of days, i die, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out

OMG, as if yesterday’s bus driver and spit situation wasn’t enough to make me wanna dry heave, then I clicked on ESPN.com and read about the 21 year-old freak from New Jersey who just got sentenced for VOMITING on a off-duty police officer and his 11 year-old daughter at a Phillies game back in April.


*back-flips in an open casket*

According to various reports, this fat, nasty mo-f’ker and his homeboy decided to get drunk beyond belief at the baseball game. Then Dumb and Dumber started needlessly harassing the people sitting in front of them. Unfortunately, those people just so happened to be Easton, PA Police Captain Michael Vangelo and his two daughters, aged 15 and 11.

So anyhoo, after a couple of innings of cussing, spilling beer and all around ridiculous behavior, the 15 year-old turned around and asked the two to stop. Well don’t you know, in response Clemmen’s buddy decided to spit on her???

*flatline*

But wait on it… In what can only be described as an epic show of restraint, the cop did NOT kick homeboy’s ass. BLANK STARE. No, instead he calmly went and got an park usher and had Clemmen’s buddy booted from the stadium. (Yeah, I don’t know those type of good samaritans either).

So in retaliation, this worthless bottom feeder starts yelling about how he’s gonna be sick, sicks not one but TWO fingers down his throat and BARFED on the cop and his 11 year-old daughter. Then starts starts throwing mad sucker punches at the cop.

*raises from the dead to kill myself again*

BUT WAIT ON IT… so another off duty-cop intervenes, breaks up the fight and restrains Clemmens until the actual Philly police arrived. At which point, this failed abortion (yeah, I said it) straight UP-CHUCKED on another cop.

*seals the bedazzled Walmart casket with super strength Elmer’s Glue*

PS. the ONLY encouraging thing that I can report about as it relates to this entire story is that is you look really, really closely at the tiny mugshot I was able to find, dude has a crazy black eye. Here’s hoping there was more of that to come after they took the mugshot.

spit goes both ways…

By on May 25, 2010 in going to hell in a handbasket, it's not a game out there, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

So I just read the article in the NYT about the 51 bus drivers taking an average of THREE months paid leave after being SPIT on by an angry rider in 2009. And wait on it, in the past year, 80 drivers have already reported being spit on at some point by an angry rider.

SILENCE.

There are so many things wrong with that statement it’s hard for me to get started.

*Inhales deep, deep calming breath*

First of all, who SPITS on people? I don’t know if this became some sort of fad after the craziness of that dirty white girl hocking a fat ball of phlegm at fellow contestant ‘New York’ during season one of VH1’s Flavor of Love but I’ll tell you what…. This ain’t no damn reality TV. You can get AIDS, swine flu and all kinds of foolishness from contact with the wrong person’s saliva. Spitting on someone is beyond nasty, it’s life threatening.

If I was the bus driver, I would’ve taken that as a straight up attempt of my life, and wilded the hellout. Forget taking days off a work, I’m johnny-on-the-spot. I’m gonna do my damndest to shove that ‘ish right back down your throat. I’m just saying, don’t try me.

DEAD FISH EYES.

But on the other hand, unless that saliva started to burn the flesh off your body- there’s NO GOOD REASON anyone should require 3 months or in the case of one man, 191 days paid leave to recover from a spitting incident. Nope, not at all. You’re a New Yorker goddammit. Man up and pull yourself together.At the most take a couple of days, get all your blood tests done, relax your nerves and get back at it.

Cause in case you hadn’t heard, there’s already a freaking MTA budget shortfall to the tune of $400 million dollars.

Blank Stare W/ 3 Looooong Blinks.

Bottom line: I fell your pain. But if you’re that damn scarred, you need to go drive a taxi or snow truck or something. But for God’s sake, don’t bilk my already paying-through-the-nose, single-with-no-kids taxpaying self. Please and thanks.

*kanye shrug*

self-esteem on extra, extra low…

By on May 24, 2010 in desperate cry for help, it takes a village, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

So err-um a yeah, about Venus’s outfit at the French Open… How can I put this nicely? No way, no ma’am, not even on a dare.


DEAD FISH EYES.

Although strategically, I can see how it worked to her advantage. Cause honestly, who in their right mind is not going to be completely thrown off when her tall lanky self pranced unto the court in some trashy.com super sale lingerie? And then the first time the wind blew and it seemed as if she was completely naked underneath? GAME OVER. If I was that poor girl, I’d need more than a minute to get my mind behind some mess like that.

And while I’m all for doing what you have to do to get the win, at the end of the day it still grossed me out. Aside from the fact that I absolutely hate black and red as a lingerie color combo, the entire outfit just looks inappropriate. You weren’t home playing a random game of pick-up in our pjs with your homegirl. This was one of the biggest tournaments of the season.

You can’t tell me that she’s not starting to resent how much of a media darling Serena has suddenly become now that she’s dating Common. And I get it. It’s gotta be miserable being the sibling that genetics fairies forgot to drop a lil booty on. So you decide to do something to get folks’ tongues wagging about you too. But still, this is nuts.

Um hello. Venus Williams you’re the #2 ranked tennis player in the world and THIS is what you wanna do? Uh-uh.

Survey says LAME.

historically correct, politically dead wrong…

By on May 24, 2010 in desperate cry for help, that sense of entitlement, work it white girl

Damn Fergie Ferg… SMH. I know times are hard on the royal boulevard since that Weight Watchers gig ran out in 2007 but seriously, you really have to do better. Trying to extort random folks that want to meet your ex-husband to the tune of £500k? Fail. You look so crazy right now… Talking about you’re an aristocrat. Way tacky, mama.


Although, truth be told, this type of underhanded behavior is how most aristocrats historically made money- through connections and familial influence as opposed to actual work. So perhaps you almost had it right. Almost.

*kanye shrug*

why i hate pretty ricky…

By on May 21, 2010 in i'm not ready to be a grandmother, it ain't easy, never too grown

Awww, remember ABC?


Not for nothing, when ‘Iesha’ hit the radio them lil’ boys were like the hottest thing since sliced bread. Jumping around all over the place, wearin’ bedazzled overalls with no shirts on, doing one-handed push-ups, talking about how they met this cutie with a bootie at the playground. Mmm-hmm… Oh and please don’t front like we weren’t ALL trying to learn every step of their dances including Red’s backflips.

Too funny.

Every time I see these little knuckleheads on the train breakdancing for dollars, I’m reminded of the group. Sigh. I wonder where they are now… Back in Atlantic City? Fingers crossed, they saved some of that 2-hit wonder money for college. I’d sure hate to find out they were still chillin’ at the playground….

*blank stare*

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