For the first time in I don’t even know how many years, I’ve decided to dress up and celebrate Halloween. At first I was just going to comb out the ‘fro and throw together something from the back of my closet. But then I convinced myself that it’d been so long, I might as well go all out and dress up. Right?

So after 2 long hours (and at least 25 different slutty school girl outfits) in Ricki’s unbelievably crowded Halloween Store aisles, I finally settled on the naughty 5th Ave. maid costume (it’s just like the freaky french maid except my dress has more spandex for the curves).

And please believe, your girl has the whole look- from the feather duster to the frilly fire engine red panty covers (just in case a strong breeze blows) down to the 5-inch lucite heels (um yes, I know that stripper heels have nothing to do with a french maid but this is my fantasy, thank you very much). Don’t hate, I am sososo excited!

So last night I attended the world premiere of Malcolm D. Lee’s new film Soul Men starring Samuel L. Jackson and Bernie Mac. Thankfully, the screening was held at the Apollo, cause otherwise yours truly would’ve missed it. You know mama don’t play that cold weather business AT ALL and the temperature dropped down to the freaking 30s late night!

Anyhoo, overall it was a cool premiere. People got dressed up, there were a lot of Hollywood execs, Sam Jackson came out and so did Bernie’s family. Moreover, I’m happy to report, the movie is actually good (disclaimer: no, it’s not the best Black movie ever but it’s worth your $10). Sam and Bernie just have a natural comedic chemistry that makes you smile despite yourself. And I won’t spoil it for those of you who are planning see it but, there’s a tribute that plays as the credits roll that’s not to be missed.

But can I tell you? Movie aside, you know what made the greatest impression on me over the course of the night? The gentleman sitting directly in front of me. Mmm-hmmm, I surely won’t forget him for a while. Why you ask? Because his dreds were STINK. And I’m not talking slight patchouli oil overload. I mean, SOUR grease and DIRTY scalp mixed with rain water STINK. Every time he moved his head, my nostrils would flair and my eyes would tear up. I’m not even kidding you. It was so offensive, I thought I was going to vomit in my mouth whenever I caught a whiff.

To make matters worse, it wasn’t like he even had one of those full heads of hair that you’re probably envisioning. Oh no, he only had a few straggly pieces of dreds at the top and then I’m assuming the rest had fallen out along the sides. It was a hot ass mess. I was dying to dose him with some of that Pantene for colored hair. Finally, I had to call it a loss and give up my good seat in the center for an empty one off to the side with an obstructed view. It was just that bad.

We have to do better my people.