Category: too old for the road

Yo, what ever happened to Kelly Price? I was listening to the the radio yesterday afternoon and the remix to ‘Friend of Mine‘, that song she recorded with Mr. Big and the ‘R’ came on. I was like damn… that big girl could BLOW! And not for nothing, how hilarious was Ron Isley with the nonstop call and response throughout the song?
My God, I miss good music.

I’m so excited about the two days straight of sunshine, I don’t know what to do with myself! Oh wait, yes the hell I do.  

I need to earn a living and also find the time to run some overdue errands- take the car to get new brake pads (call me crazy but something about that grinding noise every time I stop seems a little ominous), finish the laundry and retrieve my cell phone from my mom’s house.  

Sometimes this whole being a grown-up is waaay boring, no?

Theoretically, I could just sell my multi-million dollar ranch, move around the world to India, become a transsexual named Elizabeth and live in a community of eunuchs and transgenders.  Oh wait, John Jeffords, a primary member of the old money, blueblood family that owned the legendary racehorse, Man ‘O War already beat me to it. And apparently he wants to tell the whole world about it on an upcoming ABC special: ‘Primetime: Outsiders’ which airs on August 25th.  

Sigh, rich kids have all the fun.   

So if you were wondering how long it was going to take Eminem to respond to Ms. Mariah’s cute little single, Obsessed (which for the record, I actually like), this video is your answer. 

Dayum… can you feel the shank? Marshall went IN.  

Ya know, I might be going out on a limb here BUT I’m thinking that Mariah and Nick should probably just go sit down somewhere, be quiet and reflect for a sec. Cause I don’t care how many red carpets you wanna wear between now and forever and this right here… this is NOT okay.

Okay, you know what?  I’m gonna need folks to turn off the Law & Order marathons and step away from the TNT. 

Not now but RIGHT NOW.

This fool straight dressed up like his mother- wig, sunglasses, moo-moo and all, picked up his homeboy to play his part and the two of them headed down to the DMV and tried to get a new State ID for this woman. Mmm-hmm…

But wait on it… the real reason he even got caught is because when his mother’s home was sold into foreclosure (naturally, he wasn’t making any payments), he refused to vacate the premises and tried to sue the new owners-AS HIS MOTHER.

Uh-uh, I. Can’t. Lord, it’s too early in the week for this nonsense…

So last night, my boy G-Payton scored tix to see the dress rehearsal performance of The Wiz featuring Ashanti and Orlando Jones. Under normal circumstance, you’d have to drag me kicking and screaming to anything remotely Ashanti related but it’s The Wiz. I couldn’t resist.

And I am SOSOSO happy to report that for the most part the play was really good. As expected, LaChanze (she played Celie in Oprah’s The Color Purple musical) was phenomenal. Orlando Jones looks like he’s put on a couple of pounds but still dead on as The Wiz. I seriously heart the Scarecrow, Tin Man And Cowardly Lion. Them brother right there can BLOW. And don’t sleep, even though she only had two and a half scenes, Tichina Arnold straight STOLE the show as Evillene (the Wicked Witch of the West).
But I did say for the most part.  As in not completely… Sigh. 
Poor, poor Ashanti. Her costume was probably the most unflattering thing I’ve seen in a LONG time. Cause we all know that girl got cankles and big feet.  Who in the unholy costume-design-school-dropout HELL thought it would be cute to put her in a dress that tea length dress and black Converse sneakers?? 
And even though it seemed like they tried to rearrange the tone/pitch of the songs to accommodate her limited range, homegirl still came up waaaay short. Although, I must give her points for being creative enough to try and whisper sing  (like Janet), so that folks couldn’t really tell that she can’t sing. Unfortunately, them type of smoke and mirror shenanigans don’t really work when you’re performing with or right after folks that can really, really SANG. 
I just thank GOD that the producers/writers kept her speaking parts to a bare minimum (at least it seemed). So there were moments that you could sorta- if you tried very, very hard and clicked your heel 3x- forget that she was there.

Can we please have an extended moment of silence for those two female news reporters that were just sentenced to 12 years of hard labor in a North Korea jail???  

According to news reports, the journalists were working on a story for Current TV, a San Francisco-based media company co-founded by former VP Al Gore about the trafficking of women from North Korea into China, but other reports said they were reporting on North Korean refugees who had fled their country. Whatever the case, border patrol officers from the North snatched them chicks up  and charged them with illegally entering North Korean territory.
Amnesty International reports that prisoners in these work camps often work 10 hours or more a day, with no rest days, performing demanding work that can include logging and stone quarrying. Beatings are not infrequent, even for simple stuff like forgetting the words to patriotic songs. And obviously, food, hygienic conditions and medical care are poor at best.  

But wait on it… in the meantime, US politicians are describing the situation as “high stakes poker game.”  Huh?
What in the back-breaking-foreign-torture-mind-game hell is this? I. Can’t. No you heartless idiots, this is not a damn game.  Two women are up shit creek without a paddle for doing their JOBS.  And folks need to stop playing the who’s balls are the biggest foolishness and bring them the hell home. Seriously.

See now….

Sometimes a cause of death should just remain undisclosed. Did we really, really need to know that David Carradine was found with a rope tied to his neck and another to his genitals? Seriously? I just threw up in my mouth.

Cause now, anyone with a good gay friend (hey, G.P.) or S&M fetish (don’t even look over here)can tell you that this man done messed around and kilt himself playin‘ the reindeer games. And he was in Thailand? Land of the underage prostitutes and anything goes erotica scene? Sigh.

Damn Grasshopper…

Dayum, Craiglist just can’t catch a break!!

Not that either scenario is better than the other but at least the masseuse understood that every time she responded to an ad, there was the possibility of some craziness jumping off. This poor woman unknowingly went to sleep (mind you, their two kids were in the crib) and the man that was supposed to love her ’till death do them part set her up for the straight okey doke. Err-um, no thank you.

And what about the poor schlub who actually raped the victim? As much as rape role play ain’t never gonna be my type of hype, everyone is entitled to their own turn-on. HOWSOMEVER, there’s a gargantuan difference between fulfilling an extreme fantasy and actually committing the crime. This dude has to live with the fact that he RAPED someone for the rest of his life.

Jesus ring the bell…

In yet another example of how close we are to the end of days, why was a U.S. Marine Corps Recruiter arrested for pimping out a 14 year-old to potential enlistment recruits??

Alledgedly, Staff Sgt. Bryan Damone Cunningham (Um, Bryan Damone? $50 says this fool is Black. Sigh. My people, my people puh-lease STOP watching Hustle & Flow) attempted to barter the girl to a pair of 18 and 19 year-old interested recruits as an incentive to sign the dotted line. Sick Perv.

But wait on it… According to the po-po, homegirl met Cunningham online and had sex with all three men. She also told the cops Cunningham wanted her to work as a prostitute and had tried to take her to Los Angeles County against her will.

So basically, she was down to have sex with all three but just didn’t want to go to Los Angeles? Uh-uh, I can’t.

Jesus be a 7-year stint in a convent far, far away.

PRAISE God there are less than 48 hours until Toya & Dre’s freaking wedding!!!  My goodness, this whole bridesmaid dress situation has been a NIGHTMARE. Exhale. Got me feeling like a broke-down Keyshia Cole singing, ‘I jus’ want it to be OVAAAA!’  

No offense.
Forget the fact that I’ve been existing in a perpetual state of hunger for the last 6 weeks, why has it taken SIX freaking fittings to get a “custom-made” dress to fit properly?? Seriously?? , I’m a need you to do a little better dude.  Cause beyond the $250 for a dress that I won’t ever wear again, you’re wasting MY TIME.  
SIX times over the past EIGHT weeks, I’ve had to stop any and everything that I was doing and DRAG my ass down to midtown and below (because after the 4th attempt, it required a totally different tailor to execute the necessary damage control) from Washington Heights,.  For those who aren’t familiar with NYC, that’s about 120 blocks or a 40 min trip. Mind you, as I type this post the dress is not in hand. I still have to go pick it up for the shop.  Uh-huh, one word: beyond.
Jesus be the open bar reception.  ‘Cause Lord, I can’t do it in my right mind…



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