Category: too old for the road

So ‘Snooki,’ the tiniest of the girl guidos on MTV’s latest reality show, Jersey Shore is about to get punched in the face in this week’s episode, huh? Interesting. Not quite sure why a woman getting knocked the f’k out by a grown ass man makes for appropriate television even if it is on cable but hey, who am I?

Oh wait, they’re going to run a PSA afterwards to denounce violence against women. Ahhhh, of course. Now that makes it all better… Not. ‘Cause I love a messy reality show more than most people I know (hence, my morbid obsession with A&E’s Intervention and Hoarders) but even I have to draw the line in the dirty, broken glass, syringe needle filled sand on this one.

Okay, don’t say I ain’t never done anything to make you laugh. If this video- sent to me by my beloved friend Geoff- doesn’t bring joy to your heart and the word YAAAAAAASSSS your lips you are a confirmed cold-heated snake (get it Paula).


By all means, please feel free to get up out of your seat when the fork hits the garbage disposal. ‘Cause you know I did.

DJ, cue the music because… Bom, bom, bom another one bites the dust. 

I swear, these old ass former athletes just can’t let it go…. Like of all the women in the world that are down for the discreet-two-consenting-adults get down, this fool managed to find and screw the crazy ass, unstable, young chick that would shamelessly stoop to the level of incessantly harassing his wife, then cyber stalking his 16 year-old son on Facebook AND wait on it… showing up at the CT manse with the nasty old school ‘Hi-my-name-is-Brooke- and-I’m-screwing-ya-man’ letter mentioning the ugly birthmark above his crotch. So 1987.

Mind you, according to good ‘ole Steve, he only slept with homegirl 3 times. Uh-yeah, right. Please feel free to insert the DEAD FISH EYES right… here.

It’s like, did we learn NOTHING from the Steve McNair tragedy?  Why in the middle-age-crisis hell is anyone still chasing these immature broads that have absolutely nothing to lose? Does the young vagina feel that much better??? Cause not for nothing… thanks to decrease in modern day morality and fluidity of sexuality I’m pretty confident most of that young stuff be pretty worn out nowadays.  But I digress…

Bottom line: Steve you suck.  You put your entire family, livelihood (did I mention ESPN has now suspended this fool for a week?) and reputation in jeopardy over a fling with a certified bird. 

Survey says no thank you.

Hmmm, am I the only person that doesn’t feel bad for Plaxico Burress? And mind you, I mean to say I’m not feeling even a second worth of remorse for the guy. 

Think about it.

Not only was Plaxico stoopid enough to carry a dangerous firearm into a nightclub… This numskull tucks the piece into the waistband of his pants??  Like he’s the outlaw in some sort of gangsta flick?  Are you serious right now?  And then you got the nerve to be jumping around the Latin Quarter, popping bottles? Aye dos mio…

Real talk? Plaxico put everyone that went out that night to have a good time in mortal danger because he “didn’t feel safe.”  Well shit, then stay your scary ass at home.  But definitely don’t bring a gun- that you clearly don’t know how to operate responsibly- into a crazy environment like a packed NYC club. Ever. 

See now, this is EXACTLY what I mean when I tell people: can’t nothing good happen in New Jersey… Why in the retirement-home-escapee-hell was an 82-year old man arrested for fondling four different women in a freaking Walmart in Trenton??

As if life isn’t miserable enough when you’re waiting in those long ass lines, now you’ve got the perverted geriatric dude who really should be wasting away in a hospice somewhere rubbing up against you and fondling himself!  WTF???

And wait on it- apparently Hector (yeah, that’s really his name) has already served two years in prison for sexual assault and lewdness.
Uh-uh, Jesus take the wheel, because I. Can’t.

OMG, I was so blown when I heard that the Hostra chick who cried gang rape was straight up lying.  Like, who does that?? Um hello, this is 2009. If you want to get it poppin’ with 5 boys in the bathroom at school dance then that’s ya business.  Granted, you wouldn’t be no friend of mine but still…  go ‘head ma.

The whole situation is tragic.  Putting those boys and their families through the ringer b/c she didn’t want her boyfriend to find out that she was a lil’ fast ass? When all along homegirl was more than a willing participant in the amateur porn shenanigans. 
Not for nothing, if it was MY son that was accused of some random mess like this, I’d press criminal charges in the blink of an eye AND then sue the shit outta that loony tune. Of course, this is after I beat fire outta him for even being involved in some foolishness like running a train with four of his friends. Sigh. I. Can’t.
Jesus be the camera phone that set them free.

There’s nothing like the morning after a music awards show; always so much drama and confusion to discuss. 

We should probably start with Kanye’s outburst…  But honestly, there’s so little to say.  If it wasn’t before; it’s now confirmed- dude has the social skills of a freaking 5 year-old. You appreciate him the most when you only have to deal with him for short periods of time.  Anything more and he becomes exhausting and in need of a good backhand. No offense. 

And I’m curious, what did you really think about the MJ tribute???  I mean, we ALWAYS love the dancers but real talk, weren’t you hoping Janet would’ve done just a little bit more? I’m just saying. 

But then again, who had time to miss Miss Jackson with all of Lady Gaga’s constant costume changes? Mmm-hmm, Ca-RAZY.  But quietly, I LOVED every moment of it it. Oh and puh-lease don’t even front like, her performance of ‘Paparazzi’ wasn’t one of the most memorable of the entire night (um, note to Kid Cudi?  I’m gonna need you to do a little better next time. Thank you very much.). 

I must say, after that ‘Ava Maria’ foolishness at the BET Awards, I was happy ya girl Bey pulled it together with the flawless performance of  ‘Single Ladies’. No to mention, how thoughtful inviting Taylor Swift back to the stage seemed (even if it was staged). 

All in all, I wasn’t mad at the show. Nope, sure was not. Now the size of Alicia Keys’ knees?  Err-um, that’s another story. But I guess we can’t have everything, right?

Um, so what a minute. Just so I’m clear- that whole story about pioneer female rapper Roxanne Shante negotiating to get a Ph.D as part of her payment from the record company is a lie???  Well damn, I don’t even know what to say. 

Not for nothing, I JUST saw her being honored at this Women in Hip-Hip Achievement dinner thingy not too long ago… Sigh.  It’s just so sad when people lie to get attention and then get caught out like this. 

Kinda reminds me of good ‘ole Tyler Perry. Remember how long he was running around here insisting that he was heterosexual? Oh wait, he’s still talking that ‘ish.  My bad.

It’s official, poor white trash is NOT handling the recession well. No ma’m, Not. At. All.

But wait on it… Apparently the 61-year old, Roger Stephens didn’t know Sonya Mathews or her 2 year-old from NOWHERE.  As in, they were complete strangers up until the moment they turned down the same aisle. 

Then according to the news report, Roger warned her that “if she didn’t quiet down the child, he would do it for her.” And just like that, when the ‘ole girl didn’t do anything, he proceeded to slap the little girl not once but SEVERAL times across the face. Talking ’bout, “See I told you I would shut her up.”  I. Am. Done.

Jesus be a fresh pair of Depends cause I swear I’m peeing on myself right now.

Now I admit… there have been many a day where I’ve fantasized (vividly) about smacking fire out of some unruly brat throwing a temper tantrum in a grocery store or public place of business.  Especially when it’s clear that all the cerebral ” we don’t hit, we do time-outs” bullcrap some of these parents are using isn’t worth the spit coming out of the kid’s mouth and the lil’ punk really just needs a swift backhand to cut the shit short. But these are my FANTASIES.  

Now homeboy right here? He is bananas.  

And more importantly, I’m just trying to envision what-in-the-petite-weakish-non-violent-hell this woman looks like or comes from. ‘Cause not for nothing, I really wish a random old man would go hard with ANY of the women I know that have kids. SHEEEIT.  All I’m gonna say is, this right here is the reason for emergency bail money savings accounts.

Let the police sirens wail…

Okay, for the record I’m all for teenagers using intimate dance moves to express their sexuality. Call me liberal but all means, get on the dance floor and grind it out all night if that’ll knock off the edge (read: keep the unplanned pregnancy rate down). HOWSOMEVA, there is a LIMITATION to the stupidity. And this recent dancehall craze called daggerin’… well, this is where mama gots to draw the line.

Honestly? Peep the video. I wouldn’t even describe this as imitating rough sex. Nope, survey says straight domestic violence. WTF is that Pum Pum dive at about 3:01?? I wish some negro would leap off a ladder and land on top of me… Shoot. Not for nothing, these hips ain’t NEVER, EVER, EVER been built for that.

Like Elsa used to say, these kids are making my nerves bad. Sigh.

Jesus be a broken pelvis.



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