Mitzi Moments

Category: pocket full of dirty tissue

straight train wreck…

By on November 9, 2009 in desperate cry for help, honorary white woman, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

Oh JESUS, what in the holy hell happened to Sammy Sosa???


In my humble estimation- The former ‘roided out Chicago ballplayer showed up on the Latin Grammy red carpet looking like someone took a potato peeler to his epidermis and left this grotesque living human carcass behind. Talking about, he recently underwent a skin rejuvenation procedure… Yeah, right.

If you believe that crock of crap, I’ve got a luxury condo on the corner of crack and murder that I want to sell you for the low, low price of $1,000,000,000,000.

But seriously, beyond this obvious attempt to morph into a bloated Marc Anthony, can someone, ANYONE please explain the throwback ‘hazel green’ contacts or greasy wave nuevo? Lookin’ like a cross between Lil’ Kim’s long-lost brother and P. Diddy circa 1993… *Dead Fish Eyes*

It’s so tragic when folks clearly hate themselves.

the madness…

By on November 5, 2009 in Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out

Note to my beloved agent: I know I promised that I would meet that godforsaken deadline you’ve given me. And I swear, I really, really meant to… But unfortunately, the world is going to hell in a hand basket and it makes it a bit difficult for me to come up with funny, entertaining things to write about. Don’t believe me? Check it out:


-A 14 year old teen just admitted killing his 4 year-old neighbor. Apparently, he sodomized, drowned and then stuffed the poor little kid in the dryer to keep folks from thinking he was a child molester. *Dead Fish Eyes*

- a 29 year-old incest survivor who is imprisoned for cutting off and boiling her father’s penis, is now taking cooking classes at Rikers. Seriously? I’m not saying ‘ole dude didn’t get what he deserved BUT I’m just a little unclear who would ever okay this chick being in anyone’s kitchen like, ever.

- The number of corpses found at the former US Marine turn serial rapist/ killer’s crib in Cleveland is up to ELEVEN. And apparently, they haven’t even started breaking down the walls of the home

-Oh and Mayor Mike Bloomberg was re-elected.

So the next time you call and I’m hiding under my bed. Don’t ask why.

feel it in the air…

By on November 3, 2009 in it's not a game out there, pocket full of dirty tissue, that sense of entitlement

WOW, so now actor Nicholas Cage is broke too? Damn homie, didn’t you make over $40 million in one year? SMH. I don’t know party people, seems to me like this recession is kicking every damn body’s arse nowadays. Poor thang.


Speaking of poor thangs… What about Wendy William’s former sidekick turn solo morning show radio personality Charlamagne getting fired ’cause he allowed Beanie Sigel to air Jay-Z out?? Woah. Lemme find out Sean Carter can’t take a little criticism. Not for nothing Mr. Knowles, with all the other stuff going on in your life, you really shouldn’t be so thin-skinned. And if you ain’t bother sending ya mans/ former BFF a measly nickel or even a single word of encouragement when he was on lockdown, so be it. That’s just who you are. Claim it and move on.

Oh and here’s the million dollar question of the day: Does anyone really, really think we’re going to get anything interesting out of Rih-Rih when she sits down with Diane on GMA? Or even 20/20?

in a funk…

By on October 29, 2009 in Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

To be quite honest, thanks to last night’s piss poor performance of my beloved Yankees there’s nothing I particularly feel like writing about today… 

 
I mean, aside from the SC state attorney who was picked up by the po-po for trying to get it in with a stripper in a graveyard.  Uh-huh, you read that correctly that 66-year-old fool had the Viagra and sex toys- just in case and was trying to get it poppin’ in the place where dead bodies go to decompose on his LUNCH BREAK. Sigh. *FAIL*

Oh yeah, I guess there is the aspiring 19 year-old singer from Canada that was mauled by two wolves while hiking alone on some nature trail… Mmm-hmm, crazy. I feel horribly for her and her family because being torn apart limb by limb is no way for anyone to spend their last minutes alive. But real talk?  WTF was she doing hiking in the woods by herself without a can of mace, a machete or some kinda gun?  *EPIC FAIL*

But on an upnote, that random white woman from Philly who got arrested for soliciting an undercover cop in exchange for two tix to the World Series actually wound up being given a pair to Sunday’s game from her local radio station and a car dealership.  *NICE*  

So see kids, sometimes, it’s worth the court summons.

this whiteboy might could get it…

By on October 28, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, it's in the genes, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, that sense of entitlement

I gotta give it to the kid, that Levi Johnson never ceases to bring a nice satisfied smirk to my face. You know, kinda like the one that happens when you unintentionally witness a worthless ex get screamed on in public by his crazy ass stripper baby mama (don’t ask). Mmm-hmm… I swear, this dude STAY giving Sarah Palin da BID-NEZZ.


So peep game, now in addition to previously pulling the entire GOP strategy machine’s ho cards out in a recent Vanity Fair expose on what really happened on the campaign trail when they found out about the pregnancy and agreeing to pose nude for the upcoming Christmas issue of Playgirl, homeboy is threatening to personally AIR SARAH’S ASS OUT if she doesn’t quit poppin’ shit about him.  

Talking ’bout: “Now it’s my turn. If she’s gonna say things about me, I’m gonna leak things about her.  That’s just how it is.”

Oh snap!!!  It’s like THAT Levi?  Word???

All them Alaska rednecks besta stop staring at their view of Russia and come get this boy…

she ain’t even all that cute…

By on October 21, 2009 in pocket full of dirty tissue, too old for the road, why we as a people can't get ahead


DJ, cue the music because… Bom, bom, bom another one bites the dust. 

I swear, these old ass former athletes just can’t let it go…. Like of all the women in the world that are down for the discreet-two-consenting-adults get down, this fool managed to find and screw the crazy ass, unstable, young chick that would shamelessly stoop to the level of incessantly harassing his wife, then cyber stalking his 16 year-old son on Facebook AND wait on it… showing up at the CT manse with the nasty old school ‘Hi-my-name-is-Brooke- and-I’m-screwing-ya-man’ letter mentioning the ugly birthmark above his crotch. So 1987.

Mind you, according to good ‘ole Steve, he only slept with homegirl 3 times. Uh-yeah, right. Please feel free to insert the DEAD FISH EYES right… here.

It’s like, did we learn NOTHING from the Steve McNair tragedy?  Why in the middle-age-crisis hell is anyone still chasing these immature broads that have absolutely nothing to lose? Does the young vagina feel that much better??? Cause not for nothing… thanks to decrease in modern day morality and fluidity of sexuality I’m pretty confident most of that young stuff be pretty worn out nowadays.  But I digress…

Bottom line: Steve you suck.  You put your entire family, livelihood (did I mention ESPN has now suspended this fool for a week?) and reputation in jeopardy over a fling with a certified bird. 

Survey says no thank you.

so not impressed…

By on October 16, 2009 in pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

Just when I thought it wasn’t possible for Sean ‘Puffy/ Puff/ P.Diddy/ Diddy’ Combs to get any more ridiculous… Apparently this fool was on 106 & Park screeching his way through one of those horrendous Dirty Money tracks and tossing fake money into the crowds and managed to throw away his own $20,000 diamond ring. Fool.

But wait on it… once he realized that he’d lost the ring, Mr. Combs had security shut down the entire studio. And they proceeded to frisk the entire studio audience of teens and students like a bunch of criminals. Really? So this is what you sign up for when you go to BET?

So not interested.

But forreal, forreal, here’s what I don’t understand- if you’re such a baller, why you gonna lock down and frisk folks? Shouldn’t all your jewelry be insured? And if not, shouldn’t you be able to just charge it to the game? Like my bad, next time I’ll be sure to purchase jewelry that fits me properly? Sigh.

Damn P.Dummy.

munchies like a mo-fu…

By on October 5, 2009 in end of days, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Err-um, what in the lowest-common-denominator-next-stop-is-the-crackhouse hell is happening in the suburbs??

According to the NY Daily News, over the weekend Norwell, Massachusetts authorities arrested a couple for assaulting a fellow patron outside their local KFC restaurant. Why? Apparently, homeboy, 31 year-old Jared Garfagna and his girlfriend, 24 year-old Sara Mohn became pissed off with the slowass service and the two started wildin’ out inside the restaurant.  In response, this random dude asked/ told  them to keep all that crazy screaming and cussin’ to themselves- for the sake of the children (aww, we love the good samaritan who sticks up for the kids).

Unfortunately, that didn’t go over as well with the ghetto Bonnie and Clyde.  At. All. And when dude came outside, the two of them beat FIRE out of him! 

Umm-hmm, the po-po said that Jared cold clocked the man upside the head while good ‘ole Sara got a couple of swift kicks in.  Okay, maybe they didn’t say it EXACTLY like that but… Poor guy wound up with cuts on his eyelids and wrists. Ouch.

Seriously?? Over some damn fried chicken? Sigh.

KFC is the devil ya’ll. 

random weekend musings…

By on October 2, 2009 in desperate cry for help, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Praise the Lord, it’s Friday!  


Even if the sun is barely shining, Dave Letterman just received an undeserved round of applause for admitting to adultery and Chicago lost the bid for the Olympics (sorry Mama Oprah), I’m still happy as hell that the weekend is upon us.

I think I want to go to the movies this weekend… Doesn’t the comedy with Vince Vaughn come out today?  Or wait, maybe it was that new roller derby Drew Barrymore movie with Ellen Page, Whip It. Whichever one, I sure hope it’s entertaining.  ‘Cause I’m going to need something  to help me forget about the scary daycare worker in England that was arrested for abusing year old babies with toothbrushes, taking pictures and sending them to some pedophile she had the hots for. 

On second thought, it might take a little more than a movie to forget that mess.

You know, it really makes me wonder whether homegirl’s mother smoked cigarettes while she was in the womb.  According to a report on Reuters, children born to women who smoke during the pregnancy have a greater risk of developing psychotic tendencies. And let’s be clear, anyone who feels the need to sodomize an infant to score points with any sort of love interest let alone a sexual deviant is clearly a hot ass psycho mess.

I’m just saying… this is not the type of ish that Gandhi would have wanted to hear on his 140th  birthday people! Okay? 

where 2 or more gather…

By on September 30, 2009 in made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

In what can only be further proof that we are living at the end of days, a Pentecostal church in Louisville, Kentucky has knowingly ordained a convicted sex offender as their newest minister.  Um, feel free to insert dead fish eyes, right HERE.


Apparently, the minister, Mark Hourigan was convicted of sexually abusing an 11 year-old boy in central Kentucky.  He served 5 years (lemme guess, this is where he found God) and is now officially listed on Kentucky’s sex offender registry for the rest of his life. Really?

Now, I’m not saying that dude doesn’t have a right to religion but an ordained minister?  Come on!  Forget about celebs and athletes, aren’t ministers supposed to be role models? 

I’m just saying.

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