pocket full of dirty tissue | Mitzi Moments

granny goes hard…

By Mitzi on March 26, 2010 in end of days, it's in the genes, pocket full of dirty tissue, stressed the hell out, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, why we as a people can't get ahead

Oh wait, now this is some fun-ny ‘ish!

An 81 year-old grandmother in Queens, Maria Cartagena is claiming that her upstairs neighbors intentionally made so much noise that they PROVOKED her into shooting one of them point blank in the head.

PAUSE

After numerous unresolved calls to 311, apparently Maria hit the wall. She freaked out, called her husband at work, started screaming that she couldn’t take the torturous noise anymore. Then as fate would have it, she just so ‘happened’ to run into said neighbor, Iraida Palmieri in the elevator shortly thereafter. According to Maria , Iraida was actin’ funny and refused to move over and make space in the elevator car. So Maria told her to move or she was gonna shoot that ass. Iraida who is the wife of a famous Latin jazz pianist, wrongly called Maria’s bluff and ended up with one to the head (well, really just upside the head since she only grazed her head). Just. Like. That.

BLANK STARE WITH 3 SLOOOOOW BLINKS

All I can say is the devil is a busy man.

And not for nothing, my upstairs neighbors are kinda nuts too. They’re like an apartment full of 20-something years old corner boys who clearly think their spot in the hood is the new Playboy Mansion. At 3 am on any given day of the week, they’ll host full on parties, practice dribbling a basketball and or simply play reggaeton until the walls shake.

Puh-lease believe me when I say, I hate Daddy Yankee.

So I understand where Granny was coming from but still…. this right here is nuts.

if Madea shows up, I’m walking out…

By Mitzi on March 25, 2010 in end of days, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Well lookey here, something else kinda controversial that happened while I was busy celebrating the Health Care Bill (that could potentially be no more thanks to the fabulous US Senate):

Tyler Perry finally announced the cast to the upcoming feature adaptation of Ntozake Shange’s famous choreopoem “For Colored Girls Who Have Considered have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf.”

Or rather, I should say a partial list. Because although there are only seven nameless women in the original work that we’ve all come to know and love, Mr. Perry has stated that there will be FIFTEEN roles in the film.

*DEAD FISH EYES*

Anyhoo, here it is:

- Whoopi Goldberg, Phylicia Rahsad, Jurnee Smollett, Kimberly Elise, Kerry Washington, Janet Jackson, Mariah Carey, and Macy Gray

*crickets*

Yeah… I was rocking with him right up until Janet. After that, no. Not so much. But hey, I love a surprise and believe in prayer. So you never know, maybe Macy will surprise us all….

*whips out rosary and gets to mumblin’ my Hail Marys”

$95,000 ain’t worth spit…

By Mitzi on March 18, 2010 in end of days, i die, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Jesus, it sucks to be Sandra Bullock today. Cause not for nothing, having your husband’s affair with the trashy tattoo-covered stripper/ wanna-be hairdresser as the lead story of every major news outlet cannot feel good. Especially after that heartfelt shout out Sandra gave Jesse when robbed Gabourey for the Oscar. You remember… “I love you so much and you are really hot. I want you so much.” Uh-huh, exactly.

But before you start to cry a river for Miss Congeniality, be sure to save a few for Anthony McCoy, the Tennessee man who was arrested for not paying his child support. During the booking process, homeboy had his gold fronts (mind you, these were the permanent kind that are attached by dental glue) RIPPED from his mouth by a pissy police officer because she didn’t think they were appropriate for his mugshot. You did see where I wrote, right? RIPPED from his mouth. Pause. How crazy is that? According to his lawyer, in addition to the golds, LAYERS of enamel and small pieces of the gum line were pulled off during the ordeal as well.

* gags uncontrollably*

Now, I’m so not not a fan of men that refuse to pay child support but this ‘ish is beyond barbaric. Who does stuff like this? In her defense, I guess the police officer thought he was lying about the fronts being removable but still…

Once the man’s mouth filled with BLOOD and TISSUE, it’s obvious she was wrong. But wait on it… instead of admitting an error she simply tossed him a garbage can to spit inside. And then all the correction officers at the jail where he was held (cause they didn’t let him go) denied his repeated requests for medical attention for TEN freaking DAYS???

SILENCE (with mouth firmly shut)

Can you even imagine the kind of pain this man was in???? Good Lord. I get nervous if the dentist scrapes too hard during my bi-yearly cleaning. To suffer through something like that, I’d probably die. No. I take that back. I’d definitely die.

everybody is not built to be a parent…

By Mitzi on March 12, 2010 in end of days, it's not a game out there, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

So for the record, I am LOVING the new Lady Gaga video featuring Beyonce. Well done! If I ever decide to swing the other way, please believe it will be with that white woman. Homegirl is on a whole other level and I for one am not mad at all.

Speaking of hot music videos… Did ya’ll hear about the craziness with director of the Fugees’s killing Me Softly video? To quote my boy Special P, YOOOO!

In addition to having TWELVE kids with three women (mind you, nine of them were by one woman alone), why did homeboy systematically rape his DAUGHTERS and father SIX more babies???

DEAD FISH EYES

Talking about he was trying to create a pure bloodline because the world was coming to an end and it was just going to be him and his offspring inheriting the earth.

SILENCE

But wait on it- Dude wasn’t even attempting to be discreet about the crazy like those other pervs we’ve heard about recently. Nope, there were no children locked in a Brooklyn basement. This negro was brazenly running around calling his daughters his wives in PUBLIC. Like what, say something.

Matter of fact, he even told the woman that he was living with back in 2002, the whole story. This chick was a LAWYER at a top Manhattan firm. And she didn’t say a single WORD.

“He was this successful artist who had worked with the Fugees,” explains Subhana Rahim to The Daily News. “I was shocked when he told me that they were his daughters and that he’d been sleeping with them. I didn’t try to understand something so ridiculous.”

Okay… so at the time you refused to understand but eight years later you want to tell people about it? Really??

Can we all say, Educational FAIL.

I’ll tell you what, if ANYONE I know ever starts talking about sleeping with his own offspring, boyfriend, baby father, husband or not, I’m going to the po-po IMMEDIATELY. As in not now, but RIGHT NOW while wearing nothing but my pajamas and head scarf. And I don’t give a DAMN if you were just kidding.

I do NOT play those reindeer games.

My heart goes out to these kids. I pray that not only does this animal get thrown UNDER the jail for these crimes but that ALL the women who had knowledge and were complacent about the abuse, join him there as well.

*tosses holy water like I’m popping champagne*

r.i.p. corey haim…

By Mitzi on March 10, 2010 in end of days, moment of silence, pocket full of dirty tissue

In the spirit of full disclosure, I must confess that I am tired. For various reasons- none worth discussing or even remembering-I haven’t gotten enough sleep over the past couple of days. So my ability to stomach the crazy is dangerously low.

Needless to say, when I read the Reuters headline: ‘Seal Meat to Be on Menu at Canadian Parliament‘ something TOLD me to mind my business and not click the link… You know I clicked, right? Sigh.

The devil is a busy man.

It seems that Canada’s Conservative government has decided to demonstrate their OPPOSITION to the European Union’s ban on the imports of seal products and the annual seal hunt- which takes place from March to April and involves killing the helpless seals by shooting them or a hit over the head with a spiked club called a hakapik- by serving seal meat in the parliamentary restaurant today. The ban was imposed last July on the grounds that the hunt is inhumane. Uh, ya think?

*dead fish eyes*

Just so I’m clear- Canada is supposed to be this big ‘ole country full of humanitarians and peaceful people, correct? YET they co-sign on murdering defenseless animals by knockin’ them upside the head with a spiked club? And you not only co-sign, but you go so far as to put the meat on your lunch menu? Yeah, okay…

Sounds like the same shady grass that grows here in the US.

I’m so sure there’s a warm seat in hell for folks that do stuff that this. By all means, please feel free to make yourself comfortable.

the new kanye…

By Mitzi on March 8, 2010 in going to hell in a handbasket, i die, it's in the genes, love be a cellulite cream, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out

On a whole, I didn’t necessarily dislike the Oscars so much as I felt they were extremely predictable. We all knew Mo’Nique was going to receive a well deserved win and with all the backlash from his notoriously messy divorce and Svengali ways swirling, I also kinda understood it was time for James Cameron to take an L. And quite honestly, I didn’t love most of the dresses… Um, Zoe’s too big purple Can-Can dress? No thank you.

But one thing or rather person I was SO not prepared for was Elinor Burkett, the out-of-control, chubby Willy Wonka looking white woman who bumrushed the stage and pulled a straight Kanye on hapless director-producer, Roger Ross-Williams. No sir, that one COMPLETELY caught me off guard.

Just as the poor guy was about to start speaking, out of nowhere this busty red-head snatched the mic and began to talk over him. LOUDLY. And unlike Kanye, this bish didn’t even give the mc back, Nope, she keep it going till the traveling music started to play.

*crickets*

It’s being reported that Burkett was one of the original producers of the winner of the Best Doc Short Award, “Music by Prudence,” follows Prudence, a disabled woman in Zimbabwe with an incredible singing voice. And that Williams and she had some sort of fall out over the direction of the film and was removed. A year ago.

*Dead Fish Eyes*

All I’m saying is, all’s fair is entertainment and humiliation. And if the entire world can hold a grudge against Kanye and stay crying a river for poor Taylor Swift, then there better be some tears shed for ‘ole dude. READ: Either Rog is now entitled to have his own best year EVER with folks just GIVING him project money and film awards whether he actually has a anything work producing (just like they GAVE Taylor Swift’s semi-talented ass all those Grammys) or I don’t wanna see this chick at another Oscar ceremony for at least the next 5 years. The End.

PS. Peep how in the very beginning Mama Williams blocked Burkett from getting out of the aisle and following behind her son. HEE-Larious!

not really that funny…

By Mitzi on March 3, 2010 in keep hope alive, love be a cellulite cream, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out

Another day, another new tidbit about one of our fave celebs- so Mo’Nique and her husband (who I must admit is rather charming looking) have an open relationship, huh? Interesting.

And according to the NY Daily News, apparently I’m tardy to the party on this bit of Hollyweird info.

Honestly, it’s not for me to judge. If you’re cool with your husband sleeping with other women and he’s cool with you having sex with other men, so be it. I don’t have to crazwl into that bed with either of the two of you at the end of the night. Whatever keeps peace in the home. But is it just me or is something a little off/ sad when one spouse is so adamant about being faithful within the union as she/he shrugs’ off the other’s dalliances? Mmm-hmmm…

Check it out the quote that made me pause:

“Let me say this: I have not had sex outside my marriage with Sidney,” the Academy Award nominee says in this year’s 29th Barbara Walters Oscar special. “Could Sid have sex outside of his marriage with me? Yes. That’s not a deal-breaker.”

Really Mo?

*serious side-eye*

Sigh… It just seems like there was a better way to word that, no? Like maybe she could’ve said, ‘I’ve been so busy with my new film projects and TV show that haven’t had the time to have sex outside my marriage’… or SOMETHING. Anything that would’ve stopped it from seeming like while you have no interest in sleeping with other men besides your husband, he’s allowed to do whatever in the hell he feels like (because you’d rather turn a blind eye than break-up). You feel me? Or am I just reading into this too much?

PTA gangstas…

By Mitzi on February 25, 2010 in desperate cry for help, end of days, pocket full of dirty tissue

Wow, Rhode Island is NOT playing when it comes to their children’s education (or more importantly, taxpayers’ moolah). Straight up firing an entire high school’s faulty because the students are under performing? That ‘ish is GANGSTER!!

*throws serious side -eye at some of these worthless public schools here in Harlem*

And while I like the idea of completely cleaning house, the fact that 97 % of the students are living in poverty (which means they don’t have anywhere NEAR supportive home environment) and 65% are 1st generation Hispanic where for most English is not the first language (which means a whole lot of stuff is getting lost in translation), leads me to believe that some of these teachers were up against some pretty shitty odds from the gate.

But you know, I guess we’ll have to see.

money tastes better than chocolate…

By Mitzi on February 10, 2010 in desperate cry for help, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

So former Disney wunderkind turn washed up actress before the age of 25, Amanda Bynes went off on a little twitter rant this morning. Talking about how even though she’s “VANILLA” she loves “CHOCOLATE.” And she doesn’t care who has a problem with it.”

*crickets*

Um really, Amanda? Vanilla and chocolate? Sigh. Okay, in your defense I’m sure you thought that you’re making a powerful political statement. But how can I put this nicely… Sweetie, you sound STOOPID. No, really. And not because I don’t think that you enjoy having sex with Black men, I just don’t believe that if you have to announce it in a Twitter, it will ever, ever, ever be more than that- a f’ck.

In my experience, folks that have to make these kind of proclamations, don’t mean a word that they’re saying. They just want attention and generally to hear the sound of their own voices.

And surprise, surprise I guess little Amanda’s voice wasn’t as loud and proud as those of her publicists, the Disney reps and her all white middle-American fans. ‘Cause please believe that homegirl deleted that nonsense within 2 hours of posting. Just. Like. That.

DEAD.

i see dirty people…

By Mitzi on February 4, 2010 in desperate cry for help, i die, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, work it white girl

So as most folks know, I am totally obsessed with the A&E show, Hoarders- totally and completely.

My obsession is to the point where I’m seeing the signs of potential Hoarders EVERYWHERE- from the lady in the grocery line buying 100 cans of cat food to the extra-messy looking chick that keeps spilling old food wrappers, crumpled papers and empty bottles of water out of her bag on the subway car. I swear, if you look they are all over!

And while I’m sure some of you probably think I’m a itty bit nutso, I’m TELLING you, that freakin’ Lindsey Lohan is a damn hoarder!

Exhibit A: Just look at this photo of a room in her condo!

What in the unholy-nasty-white-trash-hell is going on? Who lives like this? Talking about, “I try not to go in there… It gives me anxiety being in here. The clutter takes up a lot of space mentally.” Err-um, really??

And this is the same worthless chick that they had the NERVE to pay to be the face of Ungaro? DEAD. Real talk, they might as well have asked the homeless lady that that lives at the end #1 Train subway platform at the 168th Street stop. No offense…

On an upnote, the shameless starlet is going to let The Insider come in and film a ‘De-cluttering Lindsey’ special about her situation that’s scheduled to air next week. So I’ll get to watch the whole shit show up close and personal.

I. Can. Not. WAIT!

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