Mitzi Moments

Category: Mitzi- all day every day

i’ll give you somethin’ to cry about…

By on April 21, 2009 in it ain't easy, Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue, using our powers for good

I hate the first day of my period. Okay, perhaps hate is a strong word. Let me rephrase that: I really dislike the first day of my period.

Every single time without fail, I’ll wake up on said morning with the starving African orphan-esque bloated belly, killer lower back pain and feeling extra extra evil. Like it’s so not a game for those initial minutes after the wake-up. All the way up until I finally figure that ‘duh, I got my period! That’s what all the drama and confusion is about!!’

Thankfully, I generally wake up alone. So, time permitting, I’ll promptly proceed to lay around in the bed, tossing from side to side, feeling sorry for myself and watching things that make me cry like Steel Magnolias/ the Christian the Lion youtube video for about half a day or at least until I remember those times when the period was late… ‘Cause please believe, nothing makes a woman pull it together and be grateful for a little cramp more than the memory of the times you had to commence the prayer circle and send the bloodhounds out to find it.

Uh-huh… Jesus be the 25th day.

But wait on it… so this morning before I could even get in a good hour of the whole ‘woah is Mitzi on her period’, I noticed an online article about a white woman in England who’s allergic to WATER. Can you imagine? Apparently Michaela Dutton has a rare allergy to water called aquagenic urticaria. Therefore anytime her skin gets wet, she breaks out in a painful rash!! YIKES!

Mind you, the post is 100% PC and solely focuses on the fact that this poor woman can’t even hold her own son because his sweat hurts her so much. Which I will definitely agree, is a heartbreaking issue. But you wanna know what I think is really, really the most tragic aspect of this situation? This woman CAN’T BATHE. For her entire life, she’s just been STINK.

I mean think about it. How can she possible take a shower? EVER? She busy talking about “people don’t come around anymore because they think I’m contagious.” No my dear, folks don’t come around cause you SMELL. I can’t.

Between this and the 22 year-old Boston University medical student killing Craigslist prostitutes in hotels for thrills, I had to cut the pity party short. My life is too damn good. Onward my people.

it’s all about the cover-up…

By on April 20, 2009 in cuteness kills, keep hope alive, Mitzi- all day every day, tagging out, too old for the road

Now that the weather is attempting to warm up and we’re in the final stretch of whatever damage control folks will actually accomplish before open-toe season begins, it’s time to deal with the least appealing aspect of the change of season: the new bikini dilemma.

Uuuggh, can I tell you? I ABHORE (yes, breaking out the big GRE words folks) shopping for new bathing suits. Like, seriously? I can by new tanks tops, sundresses and sandals all day every day, but say the word two-piece and I literally wanna throw-up in my mouth. And it doesn’t matter how much I physically or mentally prepare, trying to find a swimsuit that can simultaneously hide all the lumps and bumps yet still qualify as sexy is like water torture.

Honestly, I think the root of problem is that every year, my overall body shape changes- sometimes for the better, most times not. Therefore, the hella cute string bikini style that might’ve been the answer last season, looks nothing but cra-razy this time around. And please, don’t even get me started on those damn boy short bottoms that cut dead in the middle of the saddle bag? No maam, nobody needs that AT ALL.

And call me cheap but the thought of spending damn near a $150 of bullshit sized piece of material that’s only going to hightlight the areas of my body that I’m most insecure about is beyond painful.

So if you see me walking out of Bloomies looking dazed and confused ike I someone just kicked me in the neck, you know what the deal is. There’s nothing to say, just pray.

everybody ain’t able…

By on April 15, 2009 in desperate cry for help, it ain't easy, keep hope alive, Mitzi- all day every day

I really, really meant to wake up at 6 am this morning, go to bikram, return home and post something profound from a place of spiritual enlightenment and THEN go to my taping for the Food Network.  But alas, the road to hell is built on good intentions.  And now there are exactly 40 minutes left till I have to walk out the door, I ain’t dressed, the hair looks crazy, the dog ain’t walked and I’ve got absolutely nothing enlightening to share. Sigh.

Light a candle, I already see what kinda day this is gonna be. Feel free to follow me on twitter to find out for yourself…

mix guilt w hindsight & call me in the am…

By on April 7, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, Mitzi- all day every day, why we as a people can't get ahead

One of the most difficult aspects of being an adult is knowing when to say when and put yourself on time out.  

No, I’m talking about that last shot of tequila or walking away from the $900 pair of sparkly Louboutins. Nope, not that.
I’m talking when that first tickling in the back of your throat happens. And you’re sneezing every five minutes for no good reason.  It’s at those moments that you inherently know that you really, really need to pass up on dinner with the crew but since you  haven’t seen them in ‘oh-so-long’… Sigh.
When I woke up on Saturday, I KNEW I should’ve stayed my light-headed butt in bed and minded my business.  But no sir, there I was trying to be Superwoman.  Finishing up my confounded taxes, going shopping and hitting up not one but two birthday parties in a single bound.  Mmm-hmm, just like that. Crazy.
So now I’m sitting here with a pounding headache, sucking spit (cause of course, there ain’t healthy  grocery the first up in the fridge.).  I honestly keep trying to get up and be productive but something about the bile in the back of my throat just makes that seem like a really bad idea. Sigh.  I am so over myself right now.
Can somebody send me a care package, please?

its good to be me….

By on April 3, 2009 in it ain't easy, mama gotta eat, Mitzi- all day every day

So all in one HOTLANTA-fied week, I’ve been written up in not one but TWO really amazing blogs!  Aww suckey-suckey now… 

The first posted yesterday on IN HER SHOES, a fast tracked blog that’s dedicated to-and I quote- “Showcasing some of the most driven, talented, inspiring and let’s not forget, flyest female entrepreneurs on the planet.” Whew!  Ain’t that a mouthful?  We LOVE. Check out  that feature HERE. 
The second is a cute lil’ Q&A that just hit the internet this morning.  That’s actually on and popping at THE B-LIFE. Which for those who are totally out of the loop, is for and about those who choose to indulge in the best life in NYC and beyond has to offer. Get into it.  Feel free to check that out HERE.
And as soon as you finish reading, take all that warm and fuzzy energy and go buy my new book HERE.  This way, they’ll have a good reason to continue writing about me! 

public service announcement…

By on April 2, 2009 in Mitzi- all day every day, using our powers for good

Note to the NYC area weather: it is officially spring.  So cut the crap and cue the sun.

I am sick of looking out my window at the gray skies and chilly weather. This misty rain b.s that you’re carrying on with is working my nerves.  I’ve had nothing but frizzy, unfortunate looking hair days for so long, I’ve lost track of time. And not for nothing, I don’t want to wear my full length down coat not one more time.

Do you hear me?? I am D-O-N-E.
That’s all for now, thanks.
 

run, tell it…

By on April 1, 2009 in mama gotta eat, Mitzi- all day every day, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, too old for the road

HAPPY HOTLANTA DAY!!!!

Soooo after much ado, WHAT GOES AROUND- the third installment of my award-winning teen book series HOTLANTA- hits bookstores nationwide today. 
WOO HOO!!!  Go Mitzi, it’s your book drop date, Go Mitzi get busy!! It’s a celebration B*TCHES!!
Okay party people, you know what the deal is… time to put your money where your mouth is and show your homegirl some love. Please take a friend and go buy your copies of WHAT GOES AROUND, not now but right now.  
And for those who simply don’t have time to stop by a Barnes & Noble, books-A-Million, Daltons or Borders, then by all means, feel free to click your way over to amazon.com and purchase it online. 
And not for nothing, it’s still being sold at the recession-friendly price of $9.99. So be sure to cop a copy or two or ten…. I’m just saying.  
It takes a village my brother… 

not so fast with the co-sign…

By on March 26, 2009 in Mitzi- all day every day, taking it one day at a time, using our powers for good

Okay don’t nobody dislike stank ass folks more than the kid. Forreal, forrreal. For as long as I can remember, my sense of smell has been extremely heightened. Honestly, I believe it has a lot to do with the fact that I’m five foot flat a.k.a armpit level.  So where as the odor has to rise to meet a taller person’s nose, that mess just smacks me dead in the face. 

So you’d think that the announcement of this new stink-free underwear that Japanese astronauts are testing out in space would make Mitzi a very happy girl. But then again…
I’m not sure about folks being able to run around in the same pair of drawers for days at a time… Just because it don’t stink that doesn’t make you any less dirty.  
And not for nothing, I depend on my sense of smell to help me decide when the hell to keep it moving. Like, no sir don’t let the fly shoes fool you.  that chick right there ain’t put on deodorant OR take a shower today! And let’s not even talk about all the implications for those still playing the quickie hook-up game… humph, humph, humph.
Jesus be the bacteria that grows in dark places. Cause I sure the hell don’t want it.

i’d rather cut off cable…

By on March 17, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue

So apparently the sale of sex toys is down in France.

Accordimg to the Reuters (cause no, I don’t make this foolishness up) “at ‘Big Eropolis,’ an erotic fair that opened on Friday near Paris and bills itself as the biggest of its kind in the world, attendance was healthy but stall owners said customers were not spending as much as in previous years. ” So basically what you’re telling me is that nowadays people can only afford to buy one Mandigo sized dildo as opposed to the dido, body paint, handcuffs, vibrating ring and so on?

It’s offical, times are hard my people.

off to see the little mermaid…

By on March 11, 2009 in i'm not ready to be a grandmother, miracle on 169th street, Mitzi- all day every day

So after much ado, Shayla and Sklylar Ann Marie (a.k.a Sam) arrived for Sam’s first ‘Big Girl’ trip to New York. YIPPIE!!! I am thrilled beyond belief to have the BFF around.

But for the record, as much as I love, love, love me some Sam; I am sososo clear that everybody (specifically yours truly) ain’t able. Who knew so many questions can be asked in the span on of day? Damn that, one minute? Sam’s energy level is unbelieveable. She’s like a non-stop Energizer bunny- going, going, and still going. For the record, hell hath no fury like a four year-old without her midday nap.

What is most amazing to me is how calm Shayla is about everything. Oh, you fell down? No problem, just get up. Oh, you want to be carried up and down steps? Up you go. Oh, you want to scream/ whisper the same secret 30 times in my ear? Feel free. I promise you she was calmer than a Jedi Master- unforreal.

And to think that crazy woman has 14 children and 0 help??? Sheeeit. Good luck.

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