Category: it ain’t easy

There’s nothing like the morning after a music awards show; always so much drama and confusion to discuss. 

We should probably start with Kanye’s outburst…  But honestly, there’s so little to say.  If it wasn’t before; it’s now confirmed- dude has the social skills of a freaking 5 year-old. You appreciate him the most when you only have to deal with him for short periods of time.  Anything more and he becomes exhausting and in need of a good backhand. No offense. 

And I’m curious, what did you really think about the MJ tribute???  I mean, we ALWAYS love the dancers but real talk, weren’t you hoping Janet would’ve done just a little bit more? I’m just saying. 

But then again, who had time to miss Miss Jackson with all of Lady Gaga’s constant costume changes? Mmm-hmm, Ca-RAZY.  But quietly, I LOVED every moment of it it. Oh and puh-lease don’t even front like, her performance of ‘Paparazzi’ wasn’t one of the most memorable of the entire night (um, note to Kid Cudi?  I’m gonna need you to do a little better next time. Thank you very much.). 

I must say, after that ‘Ava Maria’ foolishness at the BET Awards, I was happy ya girl Bey pulled it together with the flawless performance of  ‘Single Ladies’. No to mention, how thoughtful inviting Taylor Swift back to the stage seemed (even if it was staged). 

All in all, I wasn’t mad at the show. Nope, sure was not. Now the size of Alicia Keys’ knees?  Err-um, that’s another story. But I guess we can’t have everything, right?

Can you imagine living in an apartment that smelled so bad, people assumed there was a DEAD BODY inside???

According to the NYPost, the cops were originally called to an apartment complex in Long Island City for a domestic dispute but the noticeable stench and dead flies outside of one of the other apartments caught their attention. So after knocking on the door and getting no response, they reported a possible dead body in the apartment.

Later in the day, fire fighters showed up to bust down the door and recover the corpse. And that’s when a very much alive tenant, Ming Li Sung surprised them by jumping out up from underneath piles of trash, and yelling “Get out! Get out!” *

But wait on it… Not only were police officers on the on the scene straight vomiting from the smell of rotting garbage but when they tried to remove the trash AN ARMY OF ROACHES ran out into the hall!!! Please feel free to insert image of me running in circles, screaming my head off and scratching myself to death right about NOW.

You know, there are so many things wrong with this situation, I don’t know where to begin…

First of all, how are you even able to breathe when the air is so stink that the flies are dying on the outside the apartment?? What you got, an extra pair of lungs?

Then all that jumping up out of the piles of garbage? No ma’am, this ain’t some Jason-Woorhees-meets- Micheal-Myers-in-da-hood-esque movie. That fool is lucky one of those firefighters didn’t split his head in two with a damn axe.

And the river of roaches flooding out of the apartment? Uh-uh… there ain’t no way. If you want to live amongst the roaches and rats your ass is more than welcome to hit the streets. Do NOT play yourself and move next door to me. Cause I am not the one. I would’ve been banging on that door night and day until your nasty ass did something about the tomfoolery.

Now please excuse me while I go take a scalding hot shower.

OMG, this video clip of Oregon State football player LaGarrette Blount dropping Boise State’s Byron Hout like a bad habit is CA-RAZY

Like seriously? Can someone say, “He got knocked the HELL out??” My god, that poor white boy ain’t even see it coming. At. All.

I only pray that lil’ dude doesn’t lose his football scholarship behind this craziness… Not because I think LeGarrette was right for losing his temper. Cause I don’t. Good sportsmanship is a vital part of the game and Lord knows, there’s NOTHING worse than a sore loser (cough, Kanye West, cough)…

HOWSOMEVER, I am a firm believer that there’s a reason parents teach children to talk with their mouths and not with their hands. At the end of the day, when you lay hands on folks, you besta be prepared to get dealt with. Period.

It’s because the LAST thing we need is another unemployable, angry black man roaming the streets talking about what could’ve been had the man not held him down. Feel free to insert huge sigh and eye roll. No offense, I’m just saying….

Oh and note to all the brand new, fearless, genX pinktoes out there: Puh-lease don’t let Obama and the front row ticket you bought to Jay-Z’s last concert get you gassed. You can still get it.

Huh.  Halfway through July and I still can’t figure out where to go on vacay this summer… Sigh, it’s not looking good for the kid. 

For a second, I was thinking I’d go back to the Bahamas cause I absolutely LOVED their beaches… but that was before I heard about the family of feral pigs that have started swimming in the ocean.  Mmm-hmm… Feel free to insert blank stare with three blinks.

Apparently, the parents and piglets were once domestic and now running amuck in the wild.  They’ve made their home on Big Major Spot Island beach.  And have no qualms about swimming alongside the visiting tourists.  Um, how do I best say this?  No ma’am.

But pigs in the ocean is nothing compared to the crappy tourism pr West Virginia is dealing with right about now.  Where else in the WORLD do you hear about someone breaking into a house to have sex with a DOG??? What in the unholy-inbred-missing-chromosome hell is that? 

Uh-uh. I. Will. Not.

Maybe this is a sign from above that I need to keep my behind local. You know, pull a folding lawn chair out onto the sidewalk, relax with the corner boys and let the hood entertain me.

Dang! The po-po ain’t catching no breaks this week

Apparently, NYPD Detective Christopher Perino thought he was slick and denied threatening a suspect Erik Crespo in court. Well don’t you know the tech savy teen taped the entire “conversation” that included threats to the then 17 year-old’s mother and sister on a tiny MP3 player he had in his pocket?  

So much for doing a thorough job of frisking the suspect, huh?

Therefore, when the trifling Detective got on the stand talking about he never interrogated Crespo let alone threatened him, the defense attorney basically whipped out the 62-page transcript of the taped convo and cold busted his ass.  Mmm-hmm, just like that.

In addition to being played to the left in front of a courtroom full of people, the Detective was immediately charged with perjury and arrested. He is suspended without pay, will probably lose his pension and could now go to jail his DAMN self.

You know…. I wanna say I feel bad for the former Detective, especially since it turns out the kid is truly guilty of the crime they arrested him for (he was caught on tape shooting someone). 

BUT at the end of the day, I’m not really for all that threatening of folks mothers and sisters… No sir, not at all.

Here’s the thing, I’m all for fashion forwardness.  I love seeing new trends emerge (so about to cop an adorable one-piece pantsuits) and disappear (baby doll dress be damned).  

Even if good old fashioned commonsense/ awareness of my body shape won’t necessarily allow me to get involved (thigh high boots), more power to those constantly push the envelope.  
With that said, this morning I have serious beef with Rihanna.
What the in the unholy my-stylist-had-the-night-off HELL was she doing prancing around NYC in a damn over-sized cardigan like it’s a sweater dress?? 
Shit is a certified wreck.  Oh and PS, the random bustier tossed up under there doesn’t make it any better. At. All. Cause really, it just looks like  ya girl put on the pretty drawers, the sweater and said bump wearing pants/shorts/anything to properly cover her butt.
Listen, I know the poor thing done been through some shit recently but that’s simply no reason to hit the pavement assed-out and half-naked.  Uh-uh, no maam.  Not today, not tomorrow, not even on a dare.
But the FORREAL, FORREAL reason that I’m mad at Rih-Rih?  For every time her tall and skinny behind tries to pull something crazy like this off.  There’s a confused girl with a TOTALLY Different shape following her lead…  AND FAILING MISERABLY.  
Exhibit A: Homegirl following right behind her in the shiny shirt, leather boots and a crazy looking cardigan vest of her own. Need I say more?
Jesus be a fill-length mirror. Light a candle ya’ll…

Raise your hand if you managed to get up at the crack of dawn (approximately 6:10am for those on the east coast) to watch President Obama’s speech in Cairo live? Yeah, me neither.

But since I was bombarded with opinions, reviews and commentary from the moment I logged on to the internet, I decided to bite the bullet and watch all 54:52 min online (My god, that’s a long time for anyone to speak continuously, no?).

Gotta say, I’m so not mad at Michelle’s man.
Not only does President Obama continue to be one of the most engaging and eloquent public speakers of modern times, but the man does it with a smile. He managed to take responsibility for our nation’s history of poor decisions (Iraq War, Guantanamo Bay, unjust discrimination against Muslims) while still making it clear that any and every damn body can get it if they mess with the US.

Uh-huh, I see you moving and shaking Barack… Do it. Check it out for yourself HERE.

It’s official-  Toya & Dre’s Super Sexy Second Wedding is a wrap!  Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I am free at last!  No more multiple dress fittings, late night invitation stuffing, frantic shoe shopping, last minute make-up appointments or drama-filled weather report watches to endure.  

Mr. & Mrs. Brown are safely in Thailand (making up for the 60 days of abstinence that crazy ass Toya insisted upon ‘to make it feel like the first time all over again’) and my feet are still soaking in a bucket of ice cold water (who knew it was humanly possible to stand/dance for 7.5 hours in a pair of 4 in stilettos?)
Oh and yes, with the help of a whole lot of prayer and sticky tape, the dress managed to stay up and over most of the boobs all night long. Ain’t God good? 

Okay seriously? White women are not , I repeat, they ARE NOT handling the stress of the recession well AT ALL!

What you know about a prominent attorney Park Avenue attorney/ well-to-do Westchester mom getting so sick & tired of her pre-teen daughters’ bickering that she kicked BOTH of their asses out of the car and drove the hell off???

Like seriously? Picture this frazzled white woman (see photo), pulling over to the side of the road in her expensive ass SUV/car and screaming at the top of her lungs- “BOTH OF YA’LL LIL’ GOOD-FOR-NUTHIN’ HEIFERS GET THE HELL OUTTA MY CAR!!!”

OMG, I can’t even breathe I’m laughing so hard right now. Bump that, I’m WHEEZING like a damn asthmatic!!! Cause you know, that right there is some end-of-the-line, to-hell-with-timeout, I’m-kickin’-you-out -I-don’t-kill-ya’ll-dead type ish!

Wait on it tho… While the 12 year-old was able to run, catch up with mom’s car at the next light and beg her way back in; not so much for the little sister. That one got left behind

But instead of carrying her ass home (like any halfway intelligent Black kid would’ve done), the 10 year-old went dry snitching to the cops. And when Ma-Dukes came to pick her up from the station, the po-po arrested that ass for endangering the welfare of a child.

Jesus take the wheel, I am DONE.

I hate the first day of my period. Okay, perhaps hate is a strong word. Let me rephrase that: I really dislike the first day of my period.

Every single time without fail, I’ll wake up on said morning with the starving African orphan-esque bloated belly, killer lower back pain and feeling extra extra evil. Like it’s so not a game for those initial minutes after the wake-up. All the way up until I finally figure that ‘duh, I got my period! That’s what all the drama and confusion is about!!’

Thankfully, I generally wake up alone. So, time permitting, I’ll promptly proceed to lay around in the bed, tossing from side to side, feeling sorry for myself and watching things that make me cry like Steel Magnolias/ the Christian the Lion youtube video for about half a day or at least until I remember those times when the period was late… ‘Cause please believe, nothing makes a woman pull it together and be grateful for a little cramp more than the memory of the times you had to commence the prayer circle and send the bloodhounds out to find it.

Uh-huh… Jesus be the 25th day.

But wait on it… so this morning before I could even get in a good hour of the whole ‘woah is Mitzi on her period’, I noticed an online article about a white woman in England who’s allergic to WATER. Can you imagine? Apparently Michaela Dutton has a rare allergy to water called aquagenic urticaria. Therefore anytime her skin gets wet, she breaks out in a painful rash!! YIKES!

Mind you, the post is 100% PC and solely focuses on the fact that this poor woman can’t even hold her own son because his sweat hurts her so much. Which I will definitely agree, is a heartbreaking issue. But you wanna know what I think is really, really the most tragic aspect of this situation? This woman CAN’T BATHE. For her entire life, she’s just been STINK.

I mean think about it. How can she possible take a shower? EVER? She busy talking about “people don’t come around anymore because they think I’m contagious.” No my dear, folks don’t come around cause you SMELL. I can’t.

Between this and the 22 year-old Boston University medical student killing Craigslist prostitutes in hotels for thrills, I had to cut the pity party short. My life is too damn good. Onward my people.



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