desperate cry for help | Mitzi Moments

he’s not the boss of me…

By Mitzi on May 12, 2009 in desperate cry for help, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Okay Rick Ross, first you’re outted as a fake drug lord and now you’ve been caught wearing the frugazzy Louis Vuitton sunglasses on the cover of XXL?? I am D-O-N-E.

Um Officer Ricky, I’m gonna need you to go sit down somewhere and be quiet.

Cause what you know about Louis Vuitton sending XXL magazine the xtra, xtra nasty letter about their recent cover? It’s so unbelievable, I have to post the notice/ pinktoe pimp slap:

Dear Editor:

We were dismayed to see the cover of the May 2009 issue of XXL Magazine, which features a photo of Rick Ross wearing a pair of sunglasses prominently featuring counterfeit Louis Vuitton trademarks. Because the photo has generated considerable confusion among your readers and Louis Vuitton customers among others, we feel it is important to clarify several points.

The first is that the sunglasses Mr. Ross is wearing were not made by Louis Vuitton, and in fact, are counterfeit. Louis Vuitton did not grant permission to Mr. Ross or to whoever did make the sunglasses to use our trademarks. The second is that no affiliation, sponsorship or association exists between Rick Ross or XXL and Louis Vuitton. The third is that counterfeiting is illegal.

Thank you for giving us the opportunity to correct the confusion.

Sincerely,

Michael D. Pantalony, Esq.
Louis Vuitton Malletier

Mmm-hmm, Jesus be the whiteboys that STAY lawyered up.

But seriously? What kinda shitshow are they running over there? Never in my nine years of journalism have I heard of someone wearing bootleg name brands on a freaking COVER. I mean sure, you can try and sneak it in a video but on a magazine cover? One that’s gonna sit on a newsstand for 5 weeks? And worse, people can take with them into the store? (Cause you know that’s how they got caught, right? Pookie and all his boys bumrushed their local LV store with cover in hand talkin’ bout, “We want dis right ‘ere.”

And as further proof XXL’s situation is 1-800-over, the mag’s website won’t allow folks to leave comments about or ping the post. DAYUM.

Unless… and you know this is just my conspiracy mind at work here but bear with me… What if the editors put him on the cover with the Canal Street special on purpose??? Uh-huh, yeah. You know, as a subliminal way of calling him a fraud?? Almost to say, if this fat fool really knew anything about the LV lines, he’d have known that he wasn’t rocking the real stuff??

No? Not so much? What you say? I’m over thinking it? Oh well, can’t say I ain’t try to help our folks out… NEXT.

my bed is mad at me…

By Mitzi on May 11, 2009 in desperate cry for help, it's not a game out there, miracle on 169th street, using our powers for good

Since the summer is (eventually) coming, I’ve decided to try and start my workdays a little earlier… as in four hours earlier. Um yeah, you read that right. The “I don’t use an alarm clock” queen is about to get it popping at 6am in the morning. Feel free to stop laughing any time now… Cause I’m so forreal. I see my friends with kids do it all the time, so I figure what the hell?

This way I can actually go to bikram regularly (instead of just giving them my $115 a month), walk poor Drama before 3 o’clock in the afternoon (any day now she’s gonna call the ASPCA on my ass) and most importantly, spend more time trolling the headlines for news that makes you go hmm… Like the review of Tuesday night’s season premiere of the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Which apparently left the reviewer from the NY Daily News thinking, “Good Lord, what a piece of trash. That was great!” Err-umm yeah, I will so be watching. Or better yet, how Rihanna’s people are cracking down on blogs that posted the alleged naked photos of her. But wait on it… not denying that the photos are of her. Insert huge sigh.

Of course, I am going to need your prayers in this endeavor because I don’t even know what six o’clock in the morning looks like let alone to be getting up and trying to function. So light a candle, yours truly is about to get focused.

i’ll bet she killed JR…

By Mitzi on May 5, 2009 in desperate cry for help, it's in the genes, it's not a game out there, pocket full of dirty tissue, stressed the hell out, too old for the road, work it white girl

In yet addition of ‘White Women Are SO NOT Handling the Recession Well’- Whatchu know about old school Dallas star, Victoria Principal a.k.a Bobby’s wife Pam Ewing pulling a damn gun on her maid because wait on it… Maribel was taking too long to walk the dog!!

What in the crazy ass-demanding-impatient-pinktoe hell??

It seems the poor domestic engineer took the spoiled Shih-Tzu out for a walk and that little bad ass just wouldn’t drop her load. By the time the two finally returned to the ranch, ole girl was wildin’ out. On sight, Victoria pulled a gun out and ordered Maribel to get the hell off the damn property ‘fore she pumped that ass full of lead. (Okay, maybe she say it exactly like that, but you get the idea).

Humph, humph, humph, I tell ya… Jesus be the melanin that provides coping skills.

Mind you, Pam is currently training to become a civilian astronaut on Richard Branson’s commercial space flight venture, Virgin Galactic. Just so we’re all clear- this woman can’t handle the everyday pressure of her maid taking five minutes too long with the pooch but she wants to head out into space??

I swear ‘fore God I couldn’t make this mess up if I wanted to!!

happy 100 days…

By Mitzi on April 29, 2009 in desperate cry for help, keep hope alive, Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out

So this past week, the washer/ dryer at the boy’s house ate my favorite pair of jeans.

I’m not saying it was his fault of anything like that BUT… my jeans were just fine when I put them in them in his machine. Then lo and behold, when the cycle ended and I started to fold the clothes, there’s a big ass hole under the left back pocket!! Insert image of my mouth dropping wide open in shock like an idiotic cartoon character.

Forget how much the silly thing cost, I worked SO HARD to get those jeans to fit my booty the way I wanted!!! Those were my ‘get-‘em-girl/ it’s-ya-birthday’ jeans… sniffle, sniffle. What I’mma supposed to do now??

I’ve lost a loved one. Please light a candle…

the height of stupidity….

By Mitzi on April 28, 2009 in desperate cry for help, it's not a game out there, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, too old for the road

See…. cuteness is a tool of the devil.

I KNEW I should’ve stayed my vain self at home on Sunday night, enjoyed the unseasonable warm weather and minded my bid-ness. But NO. There I go, worrying about this godforsaken bridesmaid dress that I have to squeeze my ass into in exactly 23 days… and I decide to drag my butt to a 6.30p bikram class.

Well wait on it… don’t you know some worthless ass heifer STOLE my damn flip-flops from the friggin’ studio??

Uh-huh, you read that right: Just like hilarious episode of Sex And The City, where Carrie grudgingly goes to the baby shower and her gorgeous pair of silver Manolo Blahniks get ganked, my BRAND NEW black flip-flops were G-O-N-E.

(Insert image of me doing the most not to lose my shit on all the hippy ass pink toes standing around at the moment of discovery talking about, ‘are you sure you wore them here? Did you look carefully? Oh, I’m sure it was just an innocent mistake.’)

Innocent mistake my ass! I even waited until every last person had come to retrieve their shoes- just to see what was left (and quietly, still hoping the person might return with my shoes) Well, guess what? There wasn’t ONE pair of shoes left. NOTHING. NADA. Translation: that dirty mo-fo took theirs AND mine.

OMG, who does that? Sure its a recession, times are hard but MY GOD. Who steals flip-flops in 2009??

But Jesus be a neurotic black woman and her shower shoes… because despite all the side-eye that I catch for wearing flip-flops in the communal shower stall(apparently, they encourage folks to go barefoot to reduce the amount of outside dirt), at least my ass had something to wear go home.

Otherwise, picture me stepping out onto 145th Street barefoot!!! Shiiiiitttt! No maam, not even on a damn dare…

my type of mom…

By Mitzi on April 22, 2009 in desperate cry for help, it ain't easy, made for the maury show, tagging out, work it white girl

Okay seriously? White women are not , I repeat, they ARE NOT handling the stress of the recession well AT ALL!

What you know about a prominent attorney Park Avenue attorney/ well-to-do Westchester mom getting so sick & tired of her pre-teen daughters’ bickering that she kicked BOTH of their asses out of the car and drove the hell off???

Like seriously? Picture this frazzled white woman (see photo), pulling over to the side of the road in her expensive ass SUV/car and screaming at the top of her lungs- “BOTH OF YA’LL LIL’ GOOD-FOR-NUTHIN’ HEIFERS GET THE HELL OUTTA MY CAR!!!”

OMG, I can’t even breathe I’m laughing so hard right now. Bump that, I’m WHEEZING like a damn asthmatic!!! Cause you know, that right there is some end-of-the-line, to-hell-with-timeout, I’m-kickin’-you-out -I-don’t-kill-ya’ll-dead type ish!

Wait on it tho… While the 12 year-old was able to run, catch up with mom’s car at the next light and beg her way back in; not so much for the little sister. That one got left behind

But instead of carrying her ass home (like any halfway intelligent Black kid would’ve done), the 10 year-old went dry snitching to the cops. And when Ma-Dukes came to pick her up from the station, the po-po arrested that ass for endangering the welfare of a child.

Jesus take the wheel, I am DONE.

andele mi gente…

By Mitzi on April 17, 2009 in desperate cry for help, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

Yo, forreal? Sometimes advertisers be on that ish….

Can someone puh-lease tell me what in the world Burger King ad execs were thinking when they created a campaign for the new Texican burger that features a squat Mexican draped in his country’s flag next to a tall American?

And wait on it…A TV version of the ad shows the strapping cowboy and the pint-sized Mexican wrestler — nicknamed “Just a Little Bit” — living together as roommates. At one point, the American lifts up the Mexican to help him put a trophy on a high shelf.

Granted, this whole campaign will never hit the states or Mexico for that matter. It ran exclusively in Europe. Guess, they thought non of the Nordic folks would object, huh? (Insert razor sharp side-eye)

But all tomfoolery aside… Did it never occur to any of the gringos that green lit this blatantly racist idea that Mexicans (shoot, all native Spanish people) might be a teeny, weeny upset? No? Not even a little pause for concern? Yeah, didn’t think so.

You can take the mule to the water but you can’t make the ass drink.

say it loud…

By Mitzi on April 16, 2009 in desperate cry for help, i die, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

Oh-wee, it’s a hard time to be a white woman, huh?

First, old girl in Florida shot the back of her son’s head off to “save his soul.”

Then poor Luan De Lesseps, the countess on “The Real Housewives of New York” (the tall, funny acting chick who used to be a regular ass nurse in CT until she landed the hubby and then got all brand new on folks), was informed via email that her gravy train was leaving her for a much younger woman of (gasp) color. Which really, really sucks when she’s got this new autobiographical etiquette guide entitled Class With the Countess: How To Live With Elegance & Flair to promote (because clearly they’re giving away book deals like water). And wait on it… why is the book all about how seduce and hang on to a man. Hilarity!!

And now, on the other side of the country, the patron saint of poor white trash Gov. Sarah Palin is catching a bad one back in Alaska. In addition to the ongoing public fighting with a freaking 19 year-old kid just cause he knocked up your fast ass daughter and left her and the baby high and dry to do appearances on Tyra; apparently her fellow lawmakers aren’t feeling her new ambitious attitude at all. Um, you giving speeches in Indiana while folks is trapped in Juneau trying to balance the state’s budget?? No maam. Them rednecks ain’t having it. In response, they’ve stripped a bunch of her little pet projects like the natural gas pipeline from the proposed Senate budget and started talked junk to whoever will listen. Uh-huh, just like that….

What can I say? Jesus be the melanin that sets me free.

everybody ain’t able…

By Mitzi on April 15, 2009 in desperate cry for help, it ain't easy, keep hope alive, Mitzi- all day every day

I really, really meant to wake up at 6 am this morning, go to bikram, return home and post something profound from a place of spiritual enlightenment and THEN go to my taping for the Food Network. But alas, the road to hell is built on good intentions. And now there are exactly 40 minutes left till I have to walk out the door, I ain’t dressed, the hair looks crazy, the dog ain’t walked and I’ve got absolutely nothing enlightening to share. Sigh.

Light a candle, I already see what kinda day this is gonna be. Feel free to follow me on twitter to find out for yourself…

mama needs her nerve pills…

By Mitzi on April 9, 2009 in desperate cry for help, miracle on 169th street, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

I love the hell outta my ‘hood but I HATE my local post office.

No matter the time of the day, whenever I walk in there are at least 25 smelly people waiting in line and only two dusty ass service windows open. Talking about they’re sorry for the long wait but the branch is severely understaffed.

Bump that! We can ALL see the five random employees milling around behind the 1000 year-old teller doing a whole lot of NOTHING. Why don’t you go tell Maria and Jose to stop eating the arroz con pollo and come do something?? DAMMIT!

Not for nothing, I thought you had to at least have a GED to work for the US government? Am I right? So what’s the problem? Why is something so simple as choosing to pay for the stamps with my American Express card seem like I’m asking you to go through Armageddon??

Ay con Dios.

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