Mitzi

mix guilt w hindsight & call me in the am…

By Mitzi on April 7, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, Mitzi- all day every day, why we as a people can't get ahead

One of the most difficult aspects of being an adult is knowing when to say when and put yourself on time out.

No, I’m talking about that last shot of tequila or walking away from the $900 pair of sparkly Louboutins. Nope, not that.

I’m talking when that first tickling in the back of your throat happens. And you’re sneezing every five minutes for no good reason. It’s at those moments that you inherently know that you really, really need to pass up on dinner with the crew but since you haven’t seen them in ‘oh-so-long’… Sigh.

When I woke up on Saturday, I KNEW I should’ve stayed my light-headed butt in bed and minded my business. But no sir, there I was trying to be Superwoman. Finishing up my confounded taxes, going shopping and hitting up not one but two birthday parties in a single bound. Mmm-hmm, just like that. Crazy.

So now I’m sitting here with a pounding headache, sucking spit (cause of course, there ain’t healthy grocery the first up in the fridge.). I honestly keep trying to get up and be productive but something about the bile in the back of my throat just makes that seem like a really bad idea. Sigh. I am so over myself right now.

Can somebody send me a care package, please?

she is the boss of me…

By Mitzi on April 3, 2009 in desperate cry for help, pocket full of dirty tissue, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, too old for the road

Oh wait, so lemme tell you what I did this morning…

Instead of getting my butt up and working on the never ending pile of receipts that need to be added up before my Sunday afternoon appointment with my new tax preparer, my dumb ass decided to attempt to groom my dog.

Mind you, Drama is not, I repeat, is NOT a small DOG. The only time she was light enough for me to carry her was the very first week she came to live with me. And I swear, after those first 7 days, I was like uh-uh you gots to sit your big ass on the floor. So now, at almost 12 years old, the last thing her sleep-fart-eat behind wants to do is hold still while I fumble around with some pathetic little brush. Okay?

But I was determined to be economically conscience and save myself the $90 by brushing/ bathing her myself. I mean, in these tight times every little bit counts right?

Okay so, I’m an idiot.

After two whole hours of brushing and begging her to stay still (cause she may not run but she certainly will lay the hell down) and brushing, my white tile kitchen floor looks like a black shag carpet. The airborne pet danger is making me wheeze like a dying asthmatic. And worse of all, that fat hooker still stinks. Sigh. I’m done. the rest of my day will now be spent cleaning up the huge mess I’ve just created.

It’s official- the Lord don’t like a cheap ass.

its good to be me….

By Mitzi on April 3, 2009 in it ain't easy, mama gotta eat, Mitzi- all day every day

So all in one HOTLANTA-fied week, I’ve been written up in not one but TWO really amazing blogs! Aww suckey-suckey now…

The first posted yesterday on IN HER SHOES, a fast tracked blog that’s dedicated to-and I quote- “Showcasing some of the most driven, talented, inspiring and let’s not forget, flyest female entrepreneurs on the planet.” Whew! Ain’t that a mouthful? We LOVE. Check out that feature HERE.

The second is a cute lil’ Q&A that just hit the internet this morning. That’s actually on and popping at THE B-LIFE. Which for those who are totally out of the loop, is for and about those who choose to indulge in the best life in NYC and beyond has to offer. Get into it. Feel free to check that out HERE.

And as soon as you finish reading, take all that warm and fuzzy energy and go buy my new book HERE. This way, they’ll have a good reason to continue writing about me!

in the name of the father…

By Mitzi on April 2, 2009 in desperate cry for help, stressed the hell out, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget

Just yesterday my girl Joan brought up an ongoing conversation we’ve been sharing about the increasing number of ‘crimes of desperation’ occurring around the country ever since our economy jumped on the little red wagon to hell. You know, like daytime bank robberies, purse snatchings, rich folks in S.C sinking their sailboats for the insurance money, etc.

And then lo and behold, what do I read this morning but the breaking news story about a man in Washington state that held up a convenience store at gunpoint with wait on it… his 9 year-old daughter in tow. Seriously? What in the worthless-ass-child-protective-services part of “bring your kids to work day” is this?

No sir, I cannot and I will not.

Robert Daniel Webb, I rebuke thee!

public service announcement…

By Mitzi on April 2, 2009 in Mitzi- all day every day, using our powers for good

Note to the NYC area weather: it is officially spring. So cut the crap and cue the sun.

I am sick of looking out my window at the gray skies and chilly weather. This misty rain b.s that you’re carrying on with is working my nerves. I’ve had nothing but frizzy, unfortunate looking hair days for so long, I’ve lost track of time. And not for nothing, I don’t want to wear my full length down coat not one more time.

Do you hear me?? I am D-O-N-E.

That’s all for now, thanks.

run, tell it…

By Mitzi on April 1, 2009 in mama gotta eat, Mitzi- all day every day, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, too old for the road

HAPPY HOTLANTA DAY!!!!

Soooo after much ado, WHAT GOES AROUND- the third installment of my award-winning teen book series HOTLANTA- hits bookstores nationwide today.

WOO HOO!!! Go Mitzi, it’s your book drop date, Go Mitzi get busy!! It’s a celebration B*TCHES!!

Okay party people, you know what the deal is… time to put your money where your mouth is and show your homegirl some love. Please take a friend and go buy your copies of WHAT GOES AROUND, not now but right now.

And for those who simply don’t have time to stop by a Barnes & Noble, books-A-Million, Daltons or Borders, then by all means, feel free to click your way over to amazon.com and purchase it online.

And not for nothing, it’s still being sold at the recession-friendly price of $9.99. So be sure to cop a copy or two or ten…. I’m just saying.

It takes a village my brother…

ain’t enough dirty drawers in the world…

By Mitzi on March 30, 2009 in desperate cry for help, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

See now I was planning to write today’s post about the two old ass Roman Catholic priests in Miami that got caught stealing almost $8 million from their church collection plates. Umm-hmmm, just like that. Apparently the former Fathers John Skehan and Francis Guinan were using the loot to purchase real estate, travel, rare coins and wait on it… girlfriends. Seriously? Girlfriends??!!

See what I mean about that damn viagra? THE DEVIL.

But then I read about the craziness that just popped off in Milton, MA and I LITERALLY had to pause. Read the story twice. And pray. Cause you know what? When Black folks start recreating Killing Fields/ Slasher Film/ Trailer Trash-esque type massacres it’s time for us all to go sit down and have a word with the big man upstairs.

Apparently 23 year-old Kerby Revelus was feeling some kind of ways from a fistfight that he got into last Friday night. So being all non-directional, two days later he turned that angst on his overacheiving 17 year-old sister and STABBED her to death. Next, this looney tunes negro proceeded to DECAPITATE his little 5 year-old sister. Mind you, the little girl just celebrated her fifth bday 24-hours before. Then, as he attempted to SLICE the third and final sister to pieces, the police rushed in and shot him dead on the spot. But the real tragedy? The entire time this tom foolery was popping off, their poor unsuspecting mother was downstairs in the basement doing laundry. Can you even imagine?

Light a candle, I’m done.

not so fast with the co-sign…

By Mitzi on March 26, 2009 in Mitzi- all day every day, taking it one day at a time, using our powers for good

Okay don’t nobody dislike stank ass folks more than the kid. Forreal, forrreal. For as long as I can remember, my sense of smell has been extremely heightened. Honestly, I believe it has a lot to do with the fact that I’m five foot flat a.k.a armpit level. So where as the odor has to rise to meet a taller person’s nose, that mess just smacks me dead in the face.

So you’d think that the announcement of this new stink-free underwear that Japanese astronauts are testing out in space would make Mitzi a very happy girl. But then again…

I’m not sure about folks being able to run around in the same pair of drawers for days at a time… Just because it don’t stink that doesn’t make you any less dirty.

And not for nothing, I depend on my sense of smell to help me decide when the hell to keep it moving. Like, no sir don’t let the fly shoes fool you. that chick right there ain’t put on deodorant OR take a shower today! And let’s not even talk about all the implications for those still playing the quickie hook-up game… humph, humph, humph.

Jesus be the bacteria that grows in dark places. Cause I sure the hell don’t want it.

everybody’s wearing a french roll w/ tendrils…

By Mitzi on March 26, 2009 in feedback

I was in the grocery store last night picking up some odds and ends when I noticed that New York Magazine’s 2009 Weddings issue has a BLACK bride on the cover!! Now you know… I almost crapped in my pants.

‘Cause not for nothing, the way previous issues have blatantly excluded any and all images of African-Americans, I wasn’t so sure they knew that Black folks actually getting married in New York City too. Please feel free to insert your own side-eye at New York Mag too.

But all that excitement just made me think about another old poll question that I posted and never discussed with you guys… How important is having an actual wedding ceremony?

Interesting, 6% said you don’t want one, 56% responded that you could give or take it and for the final 36% its an absolute must.

Honestly, I don’t know where I stand on this one anymore. There are two things I live for: getting dressed up and throwing parties. So naturally I’ve always dreamed of a ridiculously huge wedding with a reception that lasts until the wee hours of the morning.

And the Lord knows, I was born to be a bridezilla. I can see it now, making my girls wear orange taffeta dresses in the dead of summer and losing my shit over the not finding the perfect pair of Loubotins to wear under the big poofy dress at the reception… No sir, I’m just kidding!

But on the other hand, the more and more I listen to my friends complain about the cost of planning a their weddings and watch how miserable it makes everybody involved, the more I’m starting to considert putting that celebrity DJ retainer towards a down payment on a big ole house on the hill instead.

Like Elsa always says, aint no shame in the City Hall game. And quietly, I could always throw a big party celebrating the signing of the certificate in my manse if I play my cards right.

So I guess well see.

who needs scary movies…

By Mitzi on March 24, 2009 in it ain't easy, pocket full of dirty tissue, too old for the road

Lord haf mercy, mama gettin’ old!

So I ventured out to Bungalow 8 last night to help my homegirl DJ Kiss celebrate her bday and surprise engagement to her man, Mos (YEAH KISS!!) And while I LOVE , LOVE , LOVE getting dressed up and celebrating special occasions w the crew… I gotta tell you, it sure ain’t as easy to do the whole dancing till 3am on a weeknight stroll no more. No maam. When I woke up this morning, I felt like a mack truck had rolled over, stopped and reversed over every part of my body from the top of the head to the bottoms of my feet. Just a mess.

And I’m not going to even try to explain how hard it was to wrap my head around the story I just read about the 31-year-old Indonesian man who was mauled to death by two kimono dragon lizards! What in the world??

So basically, homeboy is professional fruit picker (err-um, who knew those even existed?). And he’s up in some sugar-apple tree doing what he does best. Then for whatever reason, poor thing falls off of the godforsaken tree and the lizards who just happen to be chilling at the bottom of the tree ATTACK!!! They bit the shit outta his hands, body, legs and neck. Mmm-hmm…

Apparently, the reptiles (which can grow up to 10 feet long and weigh damn near 150 pounds) have shark-like serrated teeth. And addition to the cuts, the bite can be deadly because its saliva contains roughly 50 different known bacteria strains. Eeeewwaa!! So dirty!

Seriously? If this ain’t some ole cracked-out-Wes-Craven-sci-fi-animals gone-wild-type mess I don’t know what it is. Good freakin’ luck.

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