Mitzi

they all fall down…

By Mitzi on December 10, 2009 in made for the maury show, too old for the road, work it white girl

So ‘Snooki,’ the tiniest of the girl guidos on MTV’s latest reality show, Jersey Shore is about to get punched in the face in this week’s episode, huh? Interesting. Not quite sure why a woman getting knocked the f’k out by a grown ass man makes for appropriate television even if it is on cable but hey, who am I?

Oh wait, they’re going to run a PSA afterwards to denounce violence against women. Ahhhh, of course. Now that makes it all better… Not. ‘Cause I love a messy reality show more than most people I know (hence, my morbid obsession with A&E’s Intervention and Hoarders) but even I have to draw the line in the dirty, broken glass, syringe needle filled sand on this one.

how do you say slut…

By Mitzi on December 9, 2009 in desperate cry for help, made for the maury show, work it white girl

Hmm, not for nothing, I don’t remember my high school teachers being anything close to… HOT?

Let alone covered in tattoos and wearing low cut tops or low rise jeans? WTH? But wait on it… seems that the change in appearance and relaxed dress code aren’t the only things popping off in the NYC public school system: According to the Daily News, a male janitor caught two female Language Arts teachers at James Madison High School in Brooklyn, Alini Brito and Cindy Mauro butt nekkid and getting it on inside a classroom DURING SCHOOL HOURS. Mmm-Hmm, just like that.

But wait on it… ya girl Cindy? Yeah, she’s married. *crickets*

Okay, let’s forget the whole closeted lesbian angle for a second. Real talk? Where is the discretion? How you gonna be screwing your lover in the high school building during the middle of school day. Boo. Hiss. Boo. Get a freaking room.

I’m sorry but ya’ll sloppy hoes are just as bad as Tiger ‘I-ain’t-never-seen-a-white-waitress-I-don’t-wanna-screw’ Woods.

Now mind you, all this happened on Nov. 20th. Since then, the two women have been reporting for work at the Dept. of Ed. Somehow it got leaked and it’s just now hitting the press. But when reporters reached out to Cindy’s husband for a comment, he insisted he’d never even HEARD of the allegations (let alone know that his wife was reporting to the Dept. of Ed for work instead of a classroom)!! Dayum homie… SMH. I can only imagine what the two of them talked about when homegirl got home from “work” that day.

Jesus be the foot on the small of Cindy’s back as he kicks that trifling ass the hell out. Amen.

sleeping with one eye open…

By Mitzi on December 6, 2009 in end of days, going to hell in a handbasket, it's not a game out there, made for the maury show, tagging out

Just when you think you really know a person…

An HIV-positive man in Auckland, New Zealand was recently arrested for injecting his sleeping wife with his blood and infecting her with the fatal disease. Good GOD.

Apparently, the 35 year-old man was initially diagnosed during mandatory health-checks when the family of four moved to New Zealand in 2004. Even though she nor their children were infected, the woman chose to remain married and living with the man. and over the next couple of years things were as fine as they could be under the circumstances. Shoot, they even had ‘relations.’

But in 2007, homegirl had a change of heart. She became increasingly worried that she might also become infected ($100 says that he was probably trying to have unprotected sex with her- mmm-hmm). Ultimately, she insisted that if they continued living together, they would have to be abstinent.

So fast forward to a year later and ‘ole dude starts to get paranoid. He is convinced that the wife is planning to find another man and leave him. Determined to stay together, he pricks her two separate times with a sewing needle laced with his infected blood. Can you even imagine?

But wait on it… after basically condemning the mother of his own kids to a death sentence the maximum jail time this self-serving psycho can receive is FOURTEEN years!! Yep, you read that correctly, 1-4. So basically, this nut job will be a free man at the age of 49. *CRICKETS*

Light a candle and let the prayer circle commence.

lovin’ the angry white woman..

By Mitzi on December 3, 2009 in cuteness kills, i die, work it white girl

Oh my, and the tomfoolery on this Thursday keeps a coming… Lemme find out Saturday Night live might actually be worth staying up late and watching again!

And the very, very best part? Secretly, a whole lotta white girls out there swear they go this hard. Word.

WE LOVES IT.

kiki caught the yes…

By Mitzi on December 3, 2009 in end of days, made for the maury show, too old for the road, why we as a people can't get ahead

Okay, don’t say I ain’t never done anything to make you laugh. If this video- sent to me by my beloved friend Geoff- doesn’t bring joy to your heart and the word YAAAAAAASSSS your lips you are a confirmed cold-heated snake (get it Paula).

WORK, BEATS, FEIRCE, SOUND bee-yatches!

By all means, please feel free to get up out of your seat when the fork hits the garbage disposal. ‘Cause you know I did.

so this is how we’ll remember u…

By Mitzi on December 2, 2009 in made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, that sense of entitlement, why we as a people can't get ahead, work it white girl

Oh Tiger… *struggles to suppress the patent good-for-that-ass side-eye*

There you were, frontin’ like you transcended the average man and even the idea of race. Well lookey here… Not only are you just as bad as the average good-for-nothing man, when push comes to shove, race is exactly the reason you are sitting on the cover of every newspaper looking like Boo-Boo the Fool that caught a bad one with a 9-iron from his own wife (the former nanny).

Yeah, I said it.

See, it was the NEGRO (not even black), that made you assume that because you are wealthy and born with a penis, you can be sloppy with the side chick selection and affair behavior. Who da hell in this day cheats with the nothing-to-lose COCKTAIL WAITRESS (who apparently also appeared on VH1’s Tool Academy) and then leaves a trail of over 300 raunchy text messages and lord only knows how many voice messages?? Um okay Mr. “I Will Wear You Out”…

Then that damned WHITE part, must be where you got the false sense of entitlement to try and simply dismiss the situation. Talkin’ about you sent the Florida police away ’cause you don’t have to answer any questions… Oh yeah? And guess who’s issuing public apologies to all their family and friends now? Pathetic.

And I’m take a wild guess here and assume that unfortunate ASIAN part of you is why all these women are pouring out the wood works to snitch. ‘Cause keep 100- ain’t NOBODY tryin’ to mess up the really, really good thing. READ: when the d-ck game is proper, hoes are too satisfied to snitch. *Drops the Mic*

Good luck out there my dear…

somebody doesn’t watch CSI…

By Mitzi on December 1, 2009 in desperate cry for help, end of days, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

Hmmm, I’m torn.

When I first turned on the computer and saw the breaking AP report about the guy in Washington State that murdered 4 police officers being shot to death, I figured I’d write about this recent trend of African-American serial killers and crazies. ‘Cause lord knows ever since the DC Snipers set it off, the folks been actin’ all out of pocket. Doin’ stuff we had pretty much left the pinktoes, i.e leaving half buried women around your house, going on unprovoked killing sprees, etc. *Dead Fish Eyes*

THEN, I read the story about Casey Johnson, the “troubled” 30 year-old lesbian heiress to the Johnson & Johnson fortune and daughter of the owner of The NY Jets. And I promise you, this story made me straight laugh out loud! WHY in the world would a woman who stands to inherit BILLIONS of dollars rob anyone? Least of all, a friend? Sigh. The only thing I can come up with is too much time on her hands… ‘Cause it seems Ms. Baby Lotion herself ganked “dozens of pieces of clothing, jewelry and some documents” from Jasmine Lennard, an alleged supermodel (although I ain’t never ever, ever hear of this chick before).

Oh and here’s the funny ‘ish- the socialite got caught ’cause her bottom bee-yatch ratted her out (mind you this is the same shady jump-off that apparently beat that ass and set #1 Jets fan’s hair on fire earlier in the year).

Anyhoo, Casey showed up at the on-again, off-again girlfriend’s crib acting CA-razy! So the chick freaked out (’cause who the hell wouldn’t) and sent Jasmine a text message talkin’ about: ‘There’s a problem Jaz, Casey Johnson just got into bed with me and she is wearing your underwear. You need to call the police. There are documents here, your shoes and your clothing– you need to call the police.” Wearing another woman’s panties? Tragic.

But wait on it… Casey was so gangsta with it, she left said supermodel a used vibrator in her bed and a wet towel on the floor.

And I’m DONE. Feel free to order the Walmart casket IMMEDIATELY.

all aboard…

By Mitzi on November 30, 2009 in it takes a village, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, why we as a people can't get ahead

Now before I go in, I need to state that a good friend of mine is one of the new owner/ exec producer of Soul Train Holdings, LLC. And I am very, very very proud of how far the show has come since the last time it aired. And considering that aside from the BET Awards, this is the only televised award show dedicated to “our” music, it’s important to support and encourage. Howsomeva…

Homeboy or not, there are a couple of things that I’m confused about:

- Was Fonzworth Bentley the most uninteresting red carpet host ever? No, forreal. The very sound of his voice was making my eyes roll back in my head.

- Please tell me my eyes were deceiving me but was the audience seated on FOLDING CHAIRS?

- When did Keith Sweat turn a thousand?!?!? That negro looked like the crypt keeper up on the stage.

- Didn’t Keri Hilson reading her thank-you list off of a bedazzled BB seem a bit much? I know, I know, she was probably still flustered from getting her grind on with the unbelievably sexy (and prob gay) background dancer but still…

- What was up with the return of the Hi-Tek and Timbaland boots? Mario, Raheem DeVaugn, Sean Garrett? Really? Are we bringing back to the 90s R&B thug look like that?

- Speaking of inappropriate throwbacks, why in the hell was K-Ci doing the stanky leg during the Charlie Wilson tribute?? Boo.

-Why does Terrance Howard STAY trying to sing to somebody? I’ma need him to focus less on his acoustic guitar career and more on not getting released from mega-blockbuster franchises.

- Which was worse, Robin Thicke’s porn-stache or those hot ass lookin’ leather pants?

- How funny was it when Chaka snatched the mic during her own tribute? Like, listen Angie I appreciate you trying and all but lemme show you how its really done.

- Is it really considered an awards show if you only give out 4 awards?

- Why was everyone from Toni to Taraji open-mouth kissing like herpes/ H1N1/ HIV ain’t real? Uugh, so disgusting.

Okay, okay, that’s all the flashbacks I can deal with on an empty stomach. Again, very proud of the award show itself as for the performances, eh not so much. But at least with time (and a bigger budget), that can be improved.

Fingers crossed.

my stomach is growling already…

By Mitzi on November 25, 2009 in Mitzi- all day every day, using our powers for good

It’s amazing how quickly this year has flown by! It’s like one minute I was standing in the bushes (literally), freezing my ass off in DC watching the first Black President of the United States get sworn in and now I’m trying to figure out how many more hours of exercise I’m going to have to add to my lazy ass workout routine to balance the ridiculous amount of food I plan to consume tomorrow afternoon. Crazy.

There’s so, so much to be grateful for… Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

hola mi gente…

By Mitzi on November 24, 2009 in it ain't easy, keep hope alive, Mitzi- all day every day

Things I learned on this vacation:

1. The sun is not my friend. The last thing I remember is laying out poolside with a drink. The next time I looked in the mirror, all I could only see the whites of my eyes. Not cute.

2. It is not a smart idea to laugh as the ocean drowns you. Real talk? One sec I was “frolicking “in the waves the next I’m upside down underwater- funniest shit ever. I’m still picking the sand out of my scalp as I type.

3. Being subjected to the sound of heterosexual sex through the hotel walls is way less uncomfortable than listening to homosexual sex. Mmm-hmm, you do the math.

4. Never take water pressure for granted. Forget the shower, that lag time on the toilet flush is a killer. Seriously.

5. There’s nothing like a direct flight. No offense to the folks in Texas but if I never, ever, ever see the Houston airport again in LIFE, it will be too soon. Nationwide computer glitch my ass…

Thank you Cabo for the sun, ocean and tranquil days but I’ll tell you what, there’s no place like home!

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