Mitzi

yo, where are his clothes…

By Mitzi on July 20, 2010 in end of days, i die, it's in the genes, made for the maury show, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Oh. My. GOD. This video is so many things, and every last one a damn shame.

Real talk? Can’t nobody tell me that YouTube wasn’t created by the devil explicitly to drive people to commit social suicide. The. End.

“Can I be the one that hold you dooooown? Can I be the one that hold you doooown? “

Err-um 50 Tyson, wherever your mumble mouth ass is “uptown in Minnesota,” puh-lease stop the madness. Not now but RIGHT now. Sounding like a cross between an severely injured basset hound and a freshly paroled rapist on the prowl… Dude, neither this nor any of the SEVENTEEN other videos you got posted are the business.

Oh and just so you know, I blame the ENTIRE Republican party for this shit right here.

Mmm-hmm… Had they voted to extend jobless aid, this fool could’ve paid somebody to give him a shirt and clue. But no. Instead of looking for a job that requires the intelligence of a 1st grader, this neanderthal is spending his days trolling through the woods, looking like a mentally challenged serial killer, screeching made-up songs and threatening radio station djs.

(And all foolishness aside, this is the kind of illiterate nonsense that those crazy ass TeaBaggers play at their recruitment rallies to get hype. SMH. We have got to do better folks.)

*drops to my knees and prays*

a mouthful…

By Mitzi on July 19, 2010 in cuteness kills, Mitzi- all day every day

Uuugh, just got the call from the dentist’s office. It’s time for the bi-annual cleaning. FML.

I hate going to the dentist. No, I mean I really, really HATE going to the dentist. Like, I get freaked out from the moment I enter the building until my feet hit the sidewalk on the way home. And please don’t let me me actually need to have something more than a quick cleaning done… Oh uh-uh, more times than I care to share, tears have rolled down my face in that godforsaken office.

DEAD FISH EYES.

And I understand that I should be used to it by now but no matter how hard I try and psyche myself into thinking it’s no big deal, I can’t relax. I just don’t like anyone scraping, scratching and lasering all up in my mouth. Cause not for nothing but the minute they mess up, I gotta walk around a shitty wreck for the next week or so. And I don’t care how apologetic they are, there’s NOTHING worse than when your teeth hurt. You can’t eat, sleep, hear, or even think without being in pain! Sigh.

Okay, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest. I guess I’ll call this chick back and make my appointment. Dammit.

tell the truth, shame da devil…

By Mitzi on July 15, 2010 in made for the maury show, Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

Hold up one goddamn minute! Why’d I just hear on the radio that K-Ci and Jo-Jo have a new album AND a reality show coming soon? BLANK STARE. You know what… the Devil is a liar and I will not succumb. Nope, no ma’am I will not. I rebuke this tomfoolery in the name of Dalvin, Devonte and an old school Mary J ass whooping.

*backflips into a bedazzled Walmart casket*

I’m so sorry, but dem two crackheads have been nothing but two strong hits out of a grave for the longest. Exhibit A: the above video clip where Jo-Jo falls the hell out mid-performance and K-Ci kindly steps over that big ass as he continues to wail, OOOOOOOO YEAH!!!

Uh, huh. And you know why? Cause he sees that nigga black out e’ryday and what?

So no. I CANNOT imagine what kind of “hot” new material they could call themselves putting out…. Unless it’s an instrumental album accompanied by sounds of an inhale, choke and cough.

DEAD FISH EYES

SMH. Forget about that Dru Hill nonsense that Keith Sweat is trying to peddle. This right here is about to be a damn shame of Whitney & Bobby epic proportions…

*immediately jots down reminder note to be on the look out for commercials*

paging ted & peggy bundy…

By Mitzi on July 14, 2010 in desperate cry for help, love be a cellulite cream, made for the maury show

I’m convinced celebrity marriage and divorce are the new American Apparel leggings and off-the shoulder t-shirt.

No, seriously. What else could explain the latest tomfoolery that is Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston’s engagement announcement? Talking about they took Tripp for a walk and voila, they’re back in love. Um, didn’t I JUST see Levi clowning the shit out of the entire Palin pack on Kathy Griffin’s ‘My Life on the D-List’ two seconds ago???

DEAD FISH EYES

And let’s not even get started with Ochocinco’s dating show, The Ultimate Catch. Which for those who missed the hour and a half long premiere it’s basically the 2010 Flavor of Love with a better looking buffoon for these nickel and dime hookers to chase. Mmm-hmm, yeah I said it. The man is a wealthy B-U-F-F-O-O-N.

But regardless of what I think about Chad’s personality and proclivity for coonery, there is one thing that I will commend the Pro-Bowler for- he keeps it 100.

When it comes to dating, there are two things he’s never made any bones about:

1) he not attracted to Black women

2)he’s treats all women like expendable objects

Three days later and I’m still laughing my ass off at the memory of the shocked expression on the faces of all the pretty, young, excited Black girls in the original group of 85 contestants as he walked up and whispered ever ever so gently, “Sweetheart, you’re cut.” You know, like he really cared about their feelings and shit. And then, in the very next breath he green lights this plastic looking white woman who I swear to God/Jehovah/ Allah looks old enough to be his damn mother.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I am so not mad at him. And I don’t think Black women should be either. Nope, not at all. Like my mom always reminded me, why share your toys with someone who doesn’t like you? Fuck that. You don’t want me, I don’t want you. No hard feelings, it is what it is. Onward.

Think of it like this: Now, those same pretty girls can take that all that fresh weave (that probably cost all of of their rent money for the next 2 months) to a club and find a fool who’ll appreciate their $55 metallic spandex pants.

the end of an era…

By Mitzi on July 13, 2010 in moment of silence

Oh wow, George M. Steinbrenner passed away today.

Say what you want about the man’s personal politics and the ruthless way that he conducted business (i.e. that whole paying a gambler to dig up dirt on Dave Whitfield while he was still on the squad was a lot even for us die hard fans), at the end of the day- the man got it done. Out of a failed sports team and built a championship franchise that while at times may be a little messy (side eyes A-Rod) remains unrivaled.

*tips my fave fitted*

RIP George.

the year of the downgrade continues…

By Mitzi on July 12, 2010 in love be a cellulite cream, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, that sense of entitlement

And to think, I was worried that missing out on all of last week’s Oscar Grant and LeBron James craziness was going to leave me with nothing to discuss this morning.

*mails a thank you card to Terius Nash*

Sigh. Oh The Dream… Getting caught on the romantic rendezvous in the Caribbean with your slutty personal assistant? Really? Does it get more cliche than that?

I must say the images of Terius in his beachwear glory: extra snug pink-n-white striped board shorts, jiggly man-boobs and Buddha gut with the dark permanent side crease frolicking in the ocean with the equally sloppy body trick (how are you’re supposed to be the sexy sidepiece w the loosey goosey tummy & unflattering flattering 2-piece, ma?) for the all of the paparazzi to photograph sickens me to my soul.

But I guess we shouldn’t be that surprised that the Umpa Luma is this sloppy. His comments about Christina and their home life since she got pregnant have been nothing short of blatantly disrespectful. And that’s to say nothing of the ignorant first single from the crappy ass album that he released last week, “Make Up Bag.” Talking about, “If you ever make your girlfriend mad. Don’t let your good girl bad. Drop five stacks on the make up bag.”

Simple ass negro.

Granted, I’ve always thought Christina Emillian was kind of typical. You know what I mean: cute, marginally talented with some very obvious signs of gold digger tendencies when it comes to the men she chooses to date. *shrug* But still… ain’t no lifestyle worth this type of humiliation. At the end of the day, homeboy put the ring on it. Knocked-up or not, the two could’ve just co-parented if he didn’t intend to TRY to be monogamous.

Maybe LaLa and Melo were onto something by waiting five years to actually get married….

puttin myself in the timeout corner…

By Mitzi on July 7, 2010 in Mitzi- all day every day

For the record, I had the bestest time down in New Orleans. I literally ate till I made myself sick- catfish, po’boys, oysters, alligator sausage, friend chicken liver, beignets and hurricanes galore. And then was back at it 20 min later- No judgements please. Saw some really great shows for free- Janet and Mary tore the Superdome DOWN. And that’s to say nothing of the plethora of friendly eye candy…

Cough *you already know* Cough

Yeah, it was a pretty fantastic. But it’s nice to be back in New York. Even with the 102 degree weather, there’s still no place like home.

Howsomever, part of being back at the crib means making the money to keep the A/C on. Le Sigh. So in an effort to catch up on some very overdue work, I’m gonna have to take the rest of the week off from the tomfoolery and focus.

No worries, I promise to be back at it next Monday. Until then…

*cues Empire State of Mind at maximum volume*

feeling real jazzy…

By Mitzi on July 2, 2010 in Mitzi- all day every day

Are you ready for the weekend?!? I sure am. ‘Cause yours truly will be celebrating the Fourth of July down in N’awlins at my very first Essence Music Festival.

READ: eating myself into a complete cajun stupor for the next the three and a half days.

*wipes the string drool dangling from the corner of my mouth*

So while I’m busy putting back on the pounds that my trainer has so painstakingly helped me lose over the last 2 months and jammin’ on the ones to Alicia, Mary and Janet “Ms. Jackson If You Nasty’, you all have yourselves a wonderful holiday weekend!

*cues the soundtrack to Treme and gets to steppin’*

BBQs, Warm Weather & Fireworks for E’rybody!!!

hope she’s workin somewhere w a cool breeze…

By Mitzi on June 30, 2010 in Mitzi- all day every day

So this is what the redesigned Wonder Woman cartoon looks like, huh?

*struggles to find something nice to say*

Yeah no, I’m not a fan. She just seems extremely pale, super slimmed down, way more conservatively dressed and her overall vibe so damn dark. Like forreal, what’s really hood with the burgundy colored lipstick in 2010 and black dog collar? And please don’t get me started on those random square-toed boots. Hellloooo…. don’t you think by now, Wonder Woman would’ve upgraded her shoe game to a fly ass pair of stiletto boots??

BLANK STARE

At the end of the day, I don’t understand the need to even update her to this extreme. Not for nothing with Beyonce, Lady Gaga, et al, making leotards and tights acceptable day wear, it’s extremely plausible that she’d still be running around kicking ass in a shiny vintage onesie with stars on her booty.

Shoot, if you were the superhero, wouldn’t you?

speech, speech…

By Mitzi on June 30, 2010 in it takes a village, Mitzi- all day every day

Oooh-ee, it’s good to be me today. Not only did I finally get eight hours of uninterrupted sleep last night, but I woke up in one healthy piece to celebrate the 12 year anniversary of my liver transplant! Yep, TWELVE YEARS. Can you imagine? WOO HOO!!!

*cartwheels across the living room*

Now normally, I’d spend this day running the streets with my mom or BFFs. BUT in light of the recession, an impending bar examination and recent births, I’m forced to stay my fast ass at home and accomplish some work. Le Sigh. But before I return to the grown-up portion of this 2nd life…

I wanna give a quick shout to all the people and things that have helped me see another year:

-God... for blessing me in more ways than I’ll ever know. Good lookin’ on the save this past summer. It was definitely a little nervous but as always you came through.

-Elsa… for being my being my sounding board. I know I be talking a straight hole in your head but if not you, who?

-My Entire Family… I never underestimate the importance of knowing the origin of my craziness. Not to mention all the great home-cooked meals you guys have provided along the way!

-My Meds… I realize that very transplant recipient isn’t lucky enough to find the right combination. I appreciate every handful that I’ve swallowed.

-My Friends… Ya’ll knuckleheads inspire, motivate and amaze me with the non-stop shenanigans. I am so blessed to have folks in my life that I can depend on to flip a table or two when i’sh hits the fan. In return, I promise to change all names and incriminating details when I drop the tell-all.

-My Mentors… I stand on the shoulders of giants, especially when it comes to my career. ‘Preciate all the fab women and men who have talked my scary behind through my moments of crisis.

-My Agents… Your subtle threats get me up and working every morning. I appreciate your steadfast faith. And any moment now, I pinkie swear to deliver on those proposals.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

-The Brazee Family… Your selfless generosity during a time of unspeakable tragedy is the reason that I am here today. Truly, there’s not a day that goes by that I’m not aware of the second chance that I was given because of your loss. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

*curtsies and exits stage left*

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